Reply to losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What about your marriage makes you describe it as good? [/quote]

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom. [/quote]

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.[/quote]

Hi, OP here.  That was not me.  What makes my marriage good is everything except sex.  We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc.  If we had sex I would say I am very happily married.  But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not.  That is how I feel now.  I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with.  I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.[/quote]

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.[/quote]

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids.  I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can.  I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc.  I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place.  At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce.  I am just looking for ideas from others in  my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible.  I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness.  If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.  [/quote]

I'm not the one who suggested it the first time, but I'm going to second the counseling suggestion. You were pretty resistant to it the first time it was suggested, and someone who's resistant to counseling often is the one who needs counseling. You can do "TONS of reading and research" about the experiences of others, but not about your own wife. It sounds like you go through the motions, but I'm not sure you and your wife actually connect on an emotional level, which could explain at least some of the issue.[/quote]

OP here.  I am not against counseling at all.  I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it.  When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........[/quote]

So what if she did that? Why does that mean you have to abandon the idea of counseling? It's stuff like this that makes me really question how committed you are to actually fixing your marriage as opposed to just staking out your territory as the victim.[/quote]

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