Newly pregnant. Looking to hire housekeeper/nanny

[Anonymous]

For those objecting to the weekend nanny, I think 0P needs to be clear on what she means by that. I agree that if she barely sees the kids all week and then send them away with the weekend nanny all weekend, that the kids are not going to get a chance to get to know her and bond with her or her husband. But what she said was that she does have work to do and doubts that her husband will actually want to get his hands dirty doing any of the real work of parenting. If that is the case, then it may make sense to have a weekend nanny so that there is one person whose job it is to make sure the kids diapers are changed, that kid eats at regular times, naps, and generally stays on schedule, but that doesn't mean that mom and dad can't also have time with the kid. For the first few years, the child will be napping for several hours every weekend. If OB schedules most of her weekend work around nap times, that still gives her the whole morning in the whole afternoon/bedtime to spend with her baby. By the time the kid drop snaps, they will also be staying up later at night and hope he will be able to see them during the week more

[Anonymous]

Wait - you haven't even had the child yet and you want someone else to take it to doctor's appointment? RED FLAG!

You want a weekend nanny to cover a suspected unavailability of both you and your husband? And you say he's basically out of the patenting game? And you seem ok with that? RED FLAGS!!!!

You say this is basically your only chance to have a baby but mention no reasons and imply no iota of wanting to be a mom? RED FLAG!

Also, au pairs don't really take care of babies full time. I'd hold off several years and go with a FT and PT nanny. But before that, I'd seriously examine whether or not you want to have a kid, or if this will destroy your marriage, and if this unusual (because it is unusual) set up is fair to the kid. Hint hint: it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the responses but can you get a live in nanny? I think an au pair will be too much work for you to train and supervise. Plus they only last a year or two. Find an experienced nanny with a drivers license who doesn't have small kids at home and is willing to work long hours. I know my nanny would love to work as many hours as possible Bc she wants to earn as much as possible. If you offer a generous comp package you can find what you need. Sign up for White House nannies emergency back up service for when she's sick and get a regular weekend babysitter too who can take one or both weekends days if needed.

If one of your parents is helpful and is willing to move in your best bet is one nanny who wants to work the full 60 hours for you plus the live in or close by grandparent for the occasional sick day or day you need to travel.

If you can work from home at night you don't need a nanny at night except for the first few months when the baby isn't sleeping through the night.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think some people are really taking things to an extreme here, but think a lot of it is coming from a place of genuine concern and is worth reflecting on. As I read your posts, one thing that came to mind for me is what will you do if your child has special needs, either immediately from birth or that become apparent a few years later? Are you and your husband willing to make the compromises necessary to make sure your child gets proper care? Obviously there are skilled care providers you could hire so you could still work, but you would also need to be present for visits to specialist, therapies (at least enough to understand what's happening in the therapies, even if your nanny covers the majority of the appointments), surgeries, meetings at etc., which probably means one or both of you stepping back a bit at work. Who would be willing to make that sacrifice? Or what if your child simply has a social issue at school? The school will expect your child's parents, not the nanny, to be the one involved in resolving it. Who's going to cover those things, not just in a superficial "I showed up and now I'll just relay it to the nanny" sense, but in the serious, hands-on sense? Obviously we all hope never to face these kinds of challenges, but we don't necessarily get a say in it, and the worst thing you could do to a child facing those challenges is to abandon them to a nanny. If you two haven't had these conversations yet, I think you really to before you make permanent decisions about this pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Based on some of the replies, you will probably be able to find someone who fits your needs. My nanny is amazing, and she makes our lives so much easier. But at some point I do think it's worth drawing some lines for yourself as a parent and asking what are your desires as a mother and responsibilities as a parent. For me, even leaving aside time to just be together, that very much includes healthcare, making decisions about what new things to expose her to and when, and instilling her with my values. All of these things take time...either in person (like going to a doctor and talking to and showing my DD directly what we think is an important part of being a citizen of the world) or by proxy (like talking regularly with my nanny about what activities DD is doing etc). A current example with my 2 y.o. DD is our focusing on her being responsible for picking up/putting away her toys etc. I talk to her a lot about the importance of responsibility, like taking care of things that belong to you and the environment around you, and I talk to her nanny about reinforcing that messaging. It's a minor thing, but that's how a child develops into who they are going to be. I don't think this requires being a SAHM, but it does require a certain level of involvement and time commitment. I think understanding how you want to manage your nanny (and what decisions you want to be a part of) is also going to be an important thing to be aware of before hiring someone.

But the model OP is describing is going instill her values. She doesn't value close family relationships, and her kid isn't going to grow up understanding them either.

[Anonymous]

Usually I defend parents who want/need help and find people who badh them for it ridiculous but this.....is alot. I'm from a developing country where my parents had cleaning help everyday and a woman to help with child care so I don't find it odd at all about outsourcing, whether you sahm/wahm/wohm/need date nights/whatever, BUT my parents were still very much engaged with us. They're the ones who went to doctor's appts with us, parties, put us to bed often, etc. Your situation and a dew others' on here sounds so cold in that it's like the kid is just a burden and you don't want to deal with him.

It is what it is though. At least you recognize what you need and can financially afford to pay for it, unlike many parents who end up physically neglecting or endangering their kids because of their frustrations in having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire a family member to do it? Like maybe one of your moms if she is retired?

I see people saying you really need two people but what you *really* need imo is consistency. Your baby doesn't need to be with Mom or Dad necessarily but he or she will need to bond with one primary caregiver. The more time you can give with the primary nanny, the better off your baby will be.

Why would a mom retire and then want to work as a paid nanny for her grandkids? Get with the times.

This wouldn't be a bad solution for everyone. My mom is recently retired, and she would LOVE to be nanny to my children, except that we live 800 miles from her. And she'd be great too. One of my friends' FIL is a retired law professor and is now "nanny" to his 3 grandsons. What's the big deal ? Some people really love it!

I agree that if OP could get a family member to stand in, that would be the preferred solution...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Holy shit, lady you are nuts. You won't change a diaper or go to parent-teacher conferences! Why did you have a child at all??!!!!

[Anonymous]

New poster. Read the first and last pages.

Has OP come back at all in between?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny + au pair is right. Or save yourself the trouble and skip the kid!

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow 2 people to do a SAHM work. Does that mean the FMV would be $120,000? I'm a SAHM, but then my husband is the primary caregiver in the evenings when he comes home. OP, when you come home from work, do you and/your DH expect to do any of the care giving and/or housework? If so, maybe you can get away with 1 nanny.

Of course I am. I am worried about it though because I often have work to finish at home that's time sensitive and needs to be done by the following morning. DH is more of a definite no. In fact, he wants me to hire a sitter for the weekend too. I think he sees himself being a "50s dad." You know, kick the ball around on the weekend for an hour but other than that...


Would a nanny plus au pair be enough to provide some weekend coverage too? If I asked the au pair to work early evenings during the week and a few hours each weekend day?

You are both in for a rude awakening. You change your lives to accommodate your child, not vice-versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire a family member to do it? Like maybe one of your moms if she is retired?

I see people saying you really need two people but what you *really* need imo is consistency. Your baby doesn't need to be with Mom or Dad necessarily but he or she will need to bond with one primary caregiver. The more time you can give with the primary nanny, the better off your baby will be.

Why would a mom retire and then want to work as a paid nanny for her grandkids? Get with the times.

This wouldn't be a bad solution for everyone. My mom is recently retired, and she would LOVE to be nanny to my children, except that we live 800 miles from her. And she'd be great too. One of my friends' FIL is a retired law professor and is now "nanny" to his 3 grandsons. What's the big deal ? Some people really love it!

I agree that if OP could get a family member to stand in, that would be the preferred solution...

+1. My mom's dream was to take care of her grandchildren. When I got pregnant, she retired and they moved 1000 miles here to DC and they bought a house in my neighborhood. We're only letting her do it full time the first year and then baby will go to a half day preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Holy shit, lady you are nuts. You won't change a diaper or go to parent-teacher conferences! Why did you have a child at all??!!!!

There are actually a set of parents like this at my daughters' private school. It's pretty strange. It took me a awhile to realize the nanny was not the mom (nanny and kids have same hair color and the nanny showed up to all the birthday parties). The parents get home at 8, after the kids are asleep, and the nanny does everything. Even when the mom/dad have a few hours off from work, they let the nanny watch the child, and just watch tv or chat on the phone. They don't use that time to interact with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll people! Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here and this is basically the kind of job I do. My last family I worked with twins from age 1-age 6. During that time I was the default "parent." I would get up with them and get them ready and take them on outings and then during nap I made all of their food from scratch and also prepped some food for family dinner. Three nights a week, parents walked in at 6pm to dinner on the table and kids bathed and in jammies and would eat dinner as a family while I washed dinner dishes then I'd wipe the kids up and handle toothbrushing, etc. then parents would read a bedtime story and kiss them goodnight while I prepped for the day. The other two nights, parents stayed at the office to work so that they could leave early some nights or if they had a light week they'd catch dinner/drinks with friends or one another.

In a bigger sense I also kept their things organized, bought all of their clothes and toys as they aged out of things, did grocery shopping and other errands weekly, took them to all doctors' appointments (and yes, because I was their primary attachment figure, they were perfectly happy to have me care for them when sick and during doctor visits), researched and signed them up for activities, volunteered in their preschool class, planned and executed birthday parties, etc.

We also did things like go on vacations just the kids and I. When their mom had to travel for work, the kids and I would go camping or on a road trip to Williamsburg, Jamestown, Virginia Beach, Niagara Falls, even all the way to St. Louis once, and when mom got back the kids would tell her all the fun they'd had and how she missed out instead of being sad that she was gone and that they missed her the entire tire.

The things that made it work:

1) They had a weekend "mother's helper" so Saturday and Sunday I was 100% off.

2) Pay was good and I had lots of flexibility and time off, which I didn't abuse. But basically as long as I could find a sitter to fill in for me, they were fine with me taking time off as needed or taking kids with me on a personal errand. If I didn't have that, the 12 hour days would have been tough.

3) The parents, like you, were very honest with themselves and with me about their needs. They didn't need or want to be the primary caregiver and they were willing to follow my lead on most things because I was in the trenches and they weren't.

4) Parents were appreciative verbally for all the hard work I did and showed that they valued my relationship with their kids. While I am no longer their nanny, I still see the kids a few times a month and they are a big part of my life. The mom still occasionally will call or email and say, "What do I do about Larla? She's been doing X." And we talk it through as a team.

This is possibly the saddest post I have ever read on DCUM.