Newly pregnant. Looking to hire housekeeper/nanny

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered adoption? There is no shame in that. If your DH doesn't want kids, this unexpected baby will likely implode your marriage, and the only thing worse than the situation you describe is a being a single mom, working 12-14 hours a day.

I am doubting that you will want to have someone raise your kid while you are out of the house working for 12-14 hours per day. (I say this as a WOHM, who believes that you can raise your own kids while working. But you can't do that in a few minutes here or there.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

My DD loves when I show up at her class to volunteer. And the drudge work really bonds you to the kids. kids are far close to the grandparents that change diapers, feed them, console them, etc, than with the grandparents that just read a story occasionally.

I was visiting daycares today, and a little girl came out of the room with her teacher BEAMING with joy- she announced to me "I had my snack with mommy today!" It was totally cute. It's the small moments.

[Anonymous]

What exactly will be your relationship with this child, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly will be your relationship with this child, OP?

Benefactor

[Anonymous]

OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

I would. I would question that man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

Come on. There's a big difference between fobbing off all the childrearing on one parent versus both parents fobbing it off on two or more hired nannies. Seriously, comedies have been made about families like this where the parents are essentially strangers to their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

I would. I would question that man.

Same here. How the hell does it make sense to have a kid only to pay two people a combined $150k a year to raise that kid for you? We have enough problems, the world simply does not need you to replicate your genes that badly if you're so disinterested in the whole endeavor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

I would. I would question that man.

13:35 here. I do not have to lay off. the OP NEEDS to have all the perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

I feel like kids understand at some intrinsic level the difference between a truly involved parent/caregiver and one who just comes in for the photo-ops. I see it now with my own kids and their grandparents. Once grandmother has been very hands-on from birth - doing the 'grunt' work , changing diapers, giving baths, etc., while the other just attends birthday parties and reads a few books at storytime. Our kids are much more bonded to the grandmother who is hands on.

They'll never have the bond with you that they would have had if you took a deep interest in all aspects of the life - even the drudgery. And that's sad for them, but when you get to be a very old person, it'll be mainly sad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

Come on. There's a big difference between fobbing off all the childrearing on one parent versus both parents fobbing it off on two or more hired nannies. Seriously, comedies have been made about families like this where the parents are essentially strangers to their own children.

that's kind of my point - a high powered man is never questioned because he fobs off the childcare on his wife. but a high-powered woman IS questioned, because her husband will very rarely pick up the slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

I feel like kids understand at some intrinsic level the difference between a truly involved parent/caregiver and one who just comes in for the photo-ops. I see it now with my own kids and their grandparents. Once grandmother has been very hands-on from birth - doing the 'grunt' work , changing diapers, giving baths, etc., while the other just attends birthday parties and reads a few books at storytime. Our kids are much more bonded to the grandmother who is hands on.

They'll never have the bond with you that they would have had if you took a deep interest in all aspects of the life - even the drudgery. And that's sad for them, but when you get to be a very old person, it'll be mainly sad for you.

Sob, all those dads who left the grunt work to the moms never bonded with their children at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

I feel like kids understand at some intrinsic level the difference between a truly involved parent/caregiver and one who just comes in for the photo-ops. I see it now with my own kids and their grandparents. Once grandmother has been very hands-on from birth - doing the 'grunt' work , changing diapers, giving baths, etc., while the other just attends birthday parties and reads a few books at storytime. Our kids are much more bonded to the grandmother who is hands on.

They'll never have the bond with you that they would have had if you took a deep interest in all aspects of the life - even the drudgery. And that's sad for them, but when you get to be a very old person, it'll be mainly sad for you.

Sob, all those dads who left the grunt work to the moms never bonded with their children at all!

I think this is probably true to some extent. Going to the zoo with your kids once a year does not really create a strong bond sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

Come on. There's a big difference between fobbing off all the childrearing on one parent versus both parents fobbing it off on two or more hired nannies. Seriously, comedies have been made about families like this where the parents are essentially strangers to their own children.

that's kind of my point - a high powered man is never questioned because he fobs off the childcare on his wife. but a high-powered woman IS questioned, because her husband will very rarely pick up the slack.

I do think it's different when a parent picks up the slack. I think a high-powered woman with a SAH husband today is not that uncommon, and a set up like that would get way fewer raised eyebrows than a household of two busy parents who outsource 95% of parenting.