Newly pregnant. Looking to hire housekeeper/nanny

[Anonymous]

Do you even want this baby OP? Adoption is not a bad thing.

A 12 hour day leaves no time to see your kid. I am gone 6:30 - 5 (nanny comes at 7 when DH leaves) T- F. It still feels crunched to spend enough time with each of my kids. Plus the first year both kids were in bed by about 7 so getting home at 7 would have meant never seeing them.

It's one thing to be able to logistically make it work but it's another to look at whether you SHOULD make 5 12 hour days work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here and this is basically the kind of job I do. My last family I worked with twins from age 1-age 6. During that time I was the default "parent." I would get up with them and get them ready and take them on outings and then during nap I made all of their food from scratch and also prepped some food for family dinner. Three nights a week, parents walked in at 6pm to dinner on the table and kids bathed and in jammies and would eat dinner as a family while I washed dinner dishes then I'd wipe the kids up and handle toothbrushing, etc. then parents would read a bedtime story and kiss them goodnight while I prepped for the day. The other two nights, parents stayed at the office to work so that they could leave early some nights or if they had a light week they'd catch dinner/drinks with friends or one another.

In a bigger sense I also kept their things organized, bought all of their clothes and toys as they aged out of things, did grocery shopping and other errands weekly, took them to all doctors' appointments (and yes, because I was their primary attachment figure, they were perfectly happy to have me care for them when sick and during doctor visits), researched and signed them up for activities, volunteered in their preschool class, planned and executed birthday parties, etc.

We also did things like go on vacations just the kids and I. When their mom had to travel for work, the kids and I would go camping or on a road trip to Williamsburg, Jamestown, Virginia Beach, Niagara Falls, even all the way to St. Louis once, and when mom got back the kids would tell her all the fun they'd had and how she missed out instead of being sad that she was gone and that they missed her the entire tire.

OP here. This sounds perfect! Exactly what I'm looking for. Glad to hear these things do work out well and everyone is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here and this is basically the kind of job I do. My last family I worked with twins from age 1-age 6. During that time I was the default "parent." I would get up with them and get them ready and take them on outings and then during nap I made all of their food from scratch and also prepped some food for family dinner. Three nights a week, parents walked in at 6pm to dinner on the table and kids bathed and in jammies and would eat dinner as a family while I washed dinner dishes then I'd wipe the kids up and handle toothbrushing, etc. then parents would read a bedtime story and kiss them goodnight while I prepped for the day. The other two nights, parents stayed at the office to work so that they could leave early some nights or if they had a light week they'd catch dinner/drinks with friends or one another.

In a bigger sense I also kept their things organized, bought all of their clothes and toys as they aged out of things, did grocery shopping and other errands weekly, took them to all doctors' appointments (and yes, because I was their primary attachment figure, they were perfectly happy to have me care for them when sick and during doctor visits), researched and signed them up for activities, volunteered in their preschool class, planned and executed birthday parties, etc.

We also did things like go on vacations just the kids and I. When their mom had to travel for work, the kids and I would go camping or on a road trip to Williamsburg, Jamestown, Virginia Beach, Niagara Falls, even all the way to St. Louis once, and when mom got back the kids would tell her all the fun they'd had and how she missed out instead of being sad that she was gone and that they missed her the entire tire.

The things that made it work:

1) They had a weekend "mother's helper" so Saturday and Sunday I was 100% off.

2) Pay was good and I had lots of flexibility and time off, which I didn't abuse. But basically as long as I could find a sitter to fill in for me, they were fine with me taking time off as needed or taking kids with me on a personal errand. If I didn't have that, the 12 hour days would have been tough.

3) The parents, like you, were very honest with themselves and with me about their needs. They didn't need or want to be the primary caregiver and they were willing to follow my lead on most things because I was in the trenches and they weren't.

4) Parents were appreciative verbally for all the hard work I did and showed that they valued my relationship with their kids. While I am no longer their nanny, I still see the kids a few times a month and they are a big part of my life. The mom still occasionally will call or email and say, "What do I do about Larla? She's been doing X." And we talk it through as a team.

this is nuts. good for those kids that they had you, but still. this is nuts.

Why is this nuts? Isn't this the forum that LOVES to rag on SAHMs? So if a working mom wants to hire someone to do this grunt work for her, shouldn't you all be in praise? This OP is the woman you all aspire to be

[Anonymous]

Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

[Anonymous]

Working mom of twins here. I think you are getting some good advice here OP, but you also need some more specific, real-life feedback.

I'd suggest talking candidly w/ every working mom you know about how they handled the first few years, what level of care they needed/used, what the drawbacks were for the various approaches, what they would do differently if doing it over, etc...

There are pluses and minuses for all solutions, but money can help a great deal if you can afford to spend significantly to get what you want. Affording a live-in level of support might be great also if you can provide good space. (A live-in nanny for instance is a solution that hasn't been mentioned. I don't think you really want to have to deal w/ au pairs for an infant, or as a first time mom w/ a demanding career. Au pairs are limited in infant qualifications, and take significant management/support themselves.)

I do think a two person solution is smart as you will need back-ups for sick days, vacation leave, holidays, etc...

And you need to think about how you are going to manage what I promise will be stressful. Managing a nanny, let alone two, let alone with a significant career and a disengaged father, will be tremendously challenging.

You may also encounter periods of personal doubt/stress/guilt about the various choices you're making (or having to make), your marital dynamics will shift in ways you can't foresee, and life will basically start being much tougher to control and manage the way you are likely accustomed to being able to.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Holy crap. Hope you aren't surprised when your kid grows up and wants nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

This poor kid. I used to nanny for a family like this. They also had a Ft weekend nanny. The kid bonded to me and the other nanny. Many days, the kid never saw the parents at all. If she did, it was for 20-30 minutes. If you are serious about raising a child, you need to get serious about cutting back at work. I know many people who stagger their hours so at least the kid gets to spend some time with both of them. Be prepared to pay big bucks to the person raising your child. You'll most likely want someone like yourself OP who is educated, intelligent and a self-starter. This will cost you. I made appr. $80K per year with full health benefits and 4 weeks paid vacation and this was 10+ yrs ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here and this is basically the kind of job I do. My last family I worked with twins from age 1-age 6. During that time I was the default "parent." I would get up with them and get them ready and take them on outings and then during nap I made all of their food from scratch and also prepped some food for family dinner. Three nights a week, parents walked in at 6pm to dinner on the table and kids bathed and in jammies and would eat dinner as a family while I washed dinner dishes then I'd wipe the kids up and handle toothbrushing, etc. then parents would read a bedtime story and kiss them goodnight while I prepped for the day. The other two nights, parents stayed at the office to work so that they could leave early some nights or if they had a light week they'd catch dinner/drinks with friends or one another.

In a bigger sense I also kept their things organized, bought all of their clothes and toys as they aged out of things, did grocery shopping and other errands weekly, took them to all doctors' appointments (and yes, because I was their primary attachment figure, they were perfectly happy to have me care for them when sick and during doctor visits), researched and signed them up for activities, volunteered in their preschool class, planned and executed birthday parties, etc.

We also did things like go on vacations just the kids and I. When their mom had to travel for work, the kids and I would go camping or on a road trip to Williamsburg, Jamestown, Virginia Beach, Niagara Falls, even all the way to St. Louis once, and when mom got back the kids would tell her all the fun they'd had and how she missed out instead of being sad that she was gone and that they missed her the entire tire.

The things that made it work:

1) They had a weekend "mother's helper" so Saturday and Sunday I was 100% off.

2) Pay was good and I had lots of flexibility and time off, which I didn't abuse. But basically as long as I could find a sitter to fill in for me, they were fine with me taking time off as needed or taking kids with me on a personal errand. If I didn't have that, the 12 hour days would have been tough.

3) The parents, like you, were very honest with themselves and with me about their needs. They didn't need or want to be the primary caregiver and they were willing to follow my lead on most things because I was in the trenches and they weren't.

4) Parents were appreciative verbally for all the hard work I did and showed that they valued my relationship with their kids. While I am no longer their nanny, I still see the kids a few times a month and they are a big part of my life. The mom still occasionally will call or email and say, "What do I do about Larla? She's been doing X." And we talk it through as a team.

this is nuts. good for those kids that they had you, but still. this is nuts.

Why is this nuts? Isn't this the forum that LOVES to rag on SAHMs? So if a working mom wants to hire someone to do this grunt work for her, shouldn't you all be in praise? This OP is the woman you all aspire to be

volunteering in your child's classroom, planning bday parties isn't grunt work. that's parenting. showing up when the kids are bathed and fed for a kiss, lollipop and a bedtime story is called being an aunt or a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here and this is basically the kind of job I do. My last family I worked with twins from age 1-age 6. During that time I was the default "parent." I would get up with them and get them ready and take them on outings and then during nap I made all of their food from scratch and also prepped some food for family dinner. Three nights a week, parents walked in at 6pm to dinner on the table and kids bathed and in jammies and would eat dinner as a family while I washed dinner dishes then I'd wipe the kids up and handle toothbrushing, etc. then parents would read a bedtime story and kiss them goodnight while I prepped for the day. The other two nights, parents stayed at the office to work so that they could leave early some nights or if they had a light week they'd catch dinner/drinks with friends or one another.

In a bigger sense I also kept their things organized, bought all of their clothes and toys as they aged out of things, did grocery shopping and other errands weekly, took them to all doctors' appointments (and yes, because I was their primary attachment figure, they were perfectly happy to have me care for them when sick and during doctor visits), researched and signed them up for activities, volunteered in their preschool class, planned and executed birthday parties, etc.

We also did things like go on vacations just the kids and I. When their mom had to travel for work, the kids and I would go camping or on a road trip to Williamsburg, Jamestown, Virginia Beach, Niagara Falls, even all the way to St. Louis once, and when mom got back the kids would tell her all the fun they'd had and how she missed out instead of being sad that she was gone and that they missed her the entire tire.

The things that made it work:

1) They had a weekend "mother's helper" so Saturday and Sunday I was 100% off.

2) Pay was good and I had lots of flexibility and time off, which I didn't abuse. But basically as long as I could find a sitter to fill in for me, they were fine with me taking time off as needed or taking kids with me on a personal errand. If I didn't have that, the 12 hour days would have been tough.

3) The parents, like you, were very honest with themselves and with me about their needs. They didn't need or want to be the primary caregiver and they were willing to follow my lead on most things because I was in the trenches and they weren't.

4) Parents were appreciative verbally for all the hard work I did and showed that they valued my relationship with their kids. While I am no longer their nanny, I still see the kids a few times a month and they are a big part of my life. The mom still occasionally will call or email and say, "What do I do about Larla? She's been doing X." And we talk it through as a team.

this is nuts. good for those kids that they had you, but still. this is nuts.

Why is this nuts? Isn't this the forum that LOVES to rag on SAHMs? So if a working mom wants to hire someone to do this grunt work for her, shouldn't you all be in praise? This OP is the woman you all aspire to be

volunteering in your child's classroom, planning bday parties isn't grunt work. that's parenting. showing up when the kids are bathed and fed for a kiss, lollipop and a bedtime story is called being an aunt or a grandparent.

...or a dad. Ok I said it. But it's often true.

[Anonymous]

My cousin has been trying to adopt for a few years. How about you give the kid to her and you can play with it a couple hours on the weekend, since that seems to be the goal. You won't miss it and this will give you what you want and save you 70k/year.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you include money for therapy for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kudos to you op for identifying what you need and not having mom guilt. It sounds to me like you are going to outsource all the blah housework stuff so that you can focus the few precious hours you have on fun stuff with your kid. That's how I view your situation.

And

Kudos to the SAHPs because that's what the op needs...and people are saying she needs two people to get it all done.

I am the first poster. I was in this position. I eventually decided to quit my job because that is how I wanted to structure my life, but it is very different with your own kids if you don't have a job. Now that I don't work, I have the kids come along on my errands if possible. Or I hire a babysitter. Or if I am sick, I just phone it in and nothing gets done except the kids are kept alive and fed. When you are hiring someone else, those people will have their own personal lives that will need time. They will get sick. 2 people is really the only want to get adequate coverage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

My DD loves when I show up at her class to volunteer. And the drudge work really bonds you to the kids. kids are far close to the grandparents that change diapers, feed them, console them, etc, than with the grandparents that just read a story occasionally.

[Anonymous]

I'm a host mom, and I've had great experiences with au pairs. That said, you really need to have a look at the au pair forums and the aupairmom.com blog to see what having an au pair is like. If you have an AP, you have to give her consecutive time off per week. She cannot work more than 45 hours per week. Also, if she's your default every weekend, you're going to have an unhappy AP. An unhappy AP means a likely rematch, and rematch is stressful. You are talking about managing two people to take care of your child, and you cannot imagine how complicated that's going to be. You know your husband isn't going to be a partner in any of this.

I think it's possible to either get the $100K/year nanny who is essentially the parent, or get a great nanny plus a great au pair, but you're going to have to figure out how each of these employees can have normal weekend time with friends and family.

I also recommend sticking with one child. Having an only child can be great, and it's ultimately so much less work than having more. I'm sorry, I also need to say that having one child will be easier on you in case of divorce. If I had a husband who was a completely uninvolved parent, I'd be resentful and over time I would find it hard to love and live with someone like that.