Newly pregnant. Looking to hire housekeeper/nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

Come on. There's a big difference between fobbing off all the childrearing on one parent versus both parents fobbing it off on two or more hired nannies. Seriously, comedies have been made about families like this where the parents are essentially strangers to their own children.

that's kind of my point - a high powered man is never questioned because he fobs off the childcare on his wife. but a high-powered woman IS questioned, because her husband will very rarely pick up the slack.

But that is a husband problem not a problem of those criticizing. I have a friend who works all of the time. Her husband handles most of the children related work. Totally fine. They are with a great parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

I would. I would question that man.

+1, and I'm a WAHM (who used to be a WOHM) who posted above about a 50hr/wk nanny who does most of the household work for us. I agree with PPs that even with an amazing nanny like ours, it's work/effort to manage a full-time employee who is in your house and has primary responsibility for your child all day. She's a human being too with her own needs/desires. I guess if you start with an expectation that it's 100% their responsibility to also figure out what to do if they are sick or have a doctor's appointment or a relative in health crisis and also are willing to let them 100% decide what you are eating etc, maybe it's workable. But that's just not me.

It's maybe a little hypocritical of me to ask this question since a lot of people would say that I work too much, but I am genuinely unclear what aspects of having a child appeal to you OP? I agree with not wanting to do any of the drudgery. I like cooking, but found it was too much extra work for me at the end of the day since I would prefer to use that time to play with my daughter and have her nanny prepare dinner beforehand. Ditto for laundry and dishes. The reality is, she has spent more daytime hours with DD than I have, but I use every opportunity I get to take DD to the zoo or park etc, whether it be on a random afternoon where I'm free from work early or especially on weekends.

I take her to doctor's appointments myself, because I want to be informed and able to advocate for her health. As an example, she had some relatively minor health issues as a newborn, but it was incredibly difficult to figure out what was going on. We got a lot of conflicting advice from healthcare providers, and eventually I just had to step in and trust myself to do what was best for her. We're lucky that I was right, but would you want to outsource that kind of thing to a nanny? I'm not taking major, life-altering health issues...just something that needed to be dealt with but is somewhat routine. I'm pretty sure most kids experience something like this at some point in their lives.

Based on some of the replies, you will probably be able to find someone who fits your needs. My nanny is amazing, and she makes our lives so much easier. But at some point I do think it's worth drawing some lines for yourself as a parent and asking what are your desires as a mother and responsibilities as a parent. For me, even leaving aside time to just be together, that very much includes healthcare, making decisions about what new things to expose her to and when, and instilling her with my values. All of these things take time...either in person (like going to a doctor and talking to and showing my DD directly what we think is an important part of being a citizen of the world) or by proxy (like talking regularly with my nanny about what activities DD is doing etc). A current example with my 2 y.o. DD is our focusing on her being responsible for picking up/putting away her toys etc. I talk to her a lot about the importance of responsibility, like taking care of things that belong to you and the environment around you, and I talk to her nanny about reinforcing that messaging. It's a minor thing, but that's how a child develops into who they are going to be. I don't think this requires being a SAHM, but it does require a certain level of involvement and time commitment. I think understanding how you want to manage your nanny (and what decisions you want to be a part of) is also going to be an important thing to be aware of before hiring someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

I feel like kids understand at some intrinsic level the difference between a truly involved parent/caregiver and one who just comes in for the photo-ops. I see it now with my own kids and their grandparents. Once grandmother has been very hands-on from birth - doing the 'grunt' work , changing diapers, giving baths, etc., while the other just attends birthday parties and reads a few books at storytime. Our kids are much more bonded to the grandmother who is hands on.

They'll never have the bond with you that they would have had if you took a deep interest in all aspects of the life - even the drudgery. And that's sad for them, but when you get to be a very old person, it'll be mainly sad for you.

Sob, all those dads who left the grunt work to the moms never bonded with their children at all!

Um, they probably didn't.
The point is, if you outsource so much of your kids' life then you're not really doing much parenting at all. You're just funding the parenting.
And I say this as someone who works full time and makes a good income.
And yes, I'd hold the dad as accountable as the mom. What's the point? Either commit to being a fully engaged parent or don't bother with it. There are enough badly-adjusted children out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

that's kind of my point - a high powered man is never questioned because he fobs off the childcare on his wife. but a high-powered woman IS questioned, because her husband will very rarely pick up the slack.

I disagree with this...and I actually don't know any fathers who are uninvolved to the level OP's DH wants to be...or even to the level that it sounds like she wants to be from her post. Maybe it's just wording, but the schedule she's describing doesn't seem to include even 1 waking hour a day where a biological parent is responsible for the child. I think that's pretty rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are asking for seems really like you do not want to be a mother. Rather you want the opportunity to give birth. You realize what you are asking for is for someone else to go ahead and raise your child once you give birth. You may pass the child by and smile, but someone else will have bonded with YOUR child because they will be the primary caregiver. Before you get all happy that you can pay people to do the job for 24 hours a day, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself, what you really truly want and what you think you will be able to handle. Children are not an accessory. You may be better off putting the child up for adoption.

Have you thought of any of this....Do you plan to take any maternity leave? Do you plan to breastfeed or use formula? Who will get up with the baby in the middle of the night (I'm assuming you will be hiring a night nanny for this as well). What will you do when your nanny is sick? Will you ever take care of your child by yourself? Who will go to school functions for the child? Plus, once your DH realizes he does not want this life, you are left as a single parent after the divorce due to your marriage falling apart.

I'm going to admit that part of me is really hoping this is a troll post.

Lay off of OP. She'll figure it out in time. There wouldn't be a single person who would question a man who was making this kind of decision (in particular if he was going to fob everything off on his wife).

Come on. There's a big difference between fobbing off all the childrearing on one parent versus both parents fobbing it off on two or more hired nannies. Seriously, comedies have been made about families like this where the parents are essentially strangers to their own children.

that's kind of my point - a high powered man is never questioned because he fobs off the childcare on his wife. but a high-powered woman IS questioned, because her husband will very rarely pick up the slack.

Actually, I know lots of families in DC where the mom is high-powered and the dad is the one either at home or in a more flexible job. This happens in NY and SF, too. And I don't think any people, other than some dinosaurs, think this is a problem. But if both parents refuse to make any changes to include a child in their lives, really, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Any chance a family member is willing to take on a bulk of the childrearing? Or at least be present for a lot of it even if a nanny is the one who does the heavy lifting? Things just seems very difficult to manage/throw money at without one person really vested in the actual work related to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

that's kind of my point - a high powered man is never questioned because he fobs off the childcare on his wife. but a high-powered woman IS questioned, because her husband will very rarely pick up the slack.

I disagree with this...and I actually don't know any fathers who are uninvolved to the level OP's DH wants to be...or even to the level that it sounds like she wants to be from her post. Maybe it's just wording, but the schedule she's describing doesn't seem to include even 1 waking hour a day where a biological parent is responsible for the child. I think that's pretty rare.

Oh, and I should add that my father has a high-powered career (e.g. 7 figure income) and often didn't come home until after I was in bed, but he generally was home for dinner a couple days a week. And even though he worked part of the weekend he also spent time with me doing homework etc. Neither of my parents would win any awards for their parenting, but it's the day-to-day stuff like dinner together that I feel are the crux of our relationship, not the annual vacation we took.

[Anonymous]

I don't get all the backlash. If OP works 12 hours a day that's the only way to manage things. And if she can afford help why not? Why is it that there is such a premium on being a martyr to housework, and most of all to school volunteering?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to give you different advice.

If there is a daycare near your work sign up now. That will enable you to visit during the day if you have any downtime.

Then, hire an evening / weekend nanny. Don't go the Au Pair route for this - Au Pairs turn over every couple of years and - while certainly can be awesome - I've heard a number of stories about poor attitude and reliability. If you need absolute reliability this is not a good option for you. Use a good agency to find someone reliable and that will also provide temporary / sick day coverage (either if nanny is sick or your baby is sick from daycare which will happen)

Hire a night nanny beginning day one until baby is sleeping through the night so that you are not exhausted when you go back to work (so that you can work more efficiently and be more present when you are with your child).

Either have evenings nanny come early to prep meals and / do housekeeping or hire a separate housekeeper for this.

And, as others have said your feelings on work might change once your child is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We have a situation like this. We have a full time day nanny who works 55 hours a week and in the beginning we also had a night nanny. We let that fade out when DC started STTN consistently. We have a weekend nanny as well who travels with us.

Nanny does it all - childcare, dr. appointments, sick days, teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, chauffeuring to school and activities, homework, errands, meal planning and prep, etc. We bought an extra car that she is allowed to drive during the day. We also have a 2x weekly cleaning service, grocery delivery, and a lawn service.

We basically don't do anything around the house that we don't want to do. Read a bedtime story? Fine. Change a diaper? Nope. Works well for us. I would not want to do it any other way. We wanted a kid but didn't want to make our lives completely revolve around him. We're not really "kid people." I hate going to kid birthday parties, for example, so it's nice to be able to send him with our weekend nanny.

Mm. You lost me at weekend nanny. Look I'm all for outsourcing drudgery, but at some point don't you cross a line where you are so disengaged with your child that you take no interest at all in being a parent? It's in the little moments that the bonds are formed and trust is built-in the bath tub, at the birthday party...yes "parent" is a relationship and not just a job, but how tuned in are you as a parent when you are this tuned out?

I feel like kids understand at some intrinsic level the difference between a truly involved parent/caregiver and one who just comes in for the photo-ops. I see it now with my own kids and their grandparents. Once grandmother has been very hands-on from birth - doing the 'grunt' work , changing diapers, giving baths, etc., while the other just attends birthday parties and reads a few books at storytime. Our kids are much more bonded to the grandmother who is hands on.

They'll never have the bond with you that they would have had if you took a deep interest in all aspects of the life - even the drudgery. And that's sad for them, but when you get to be a very old person, it'll be mainly sad for you.

OP and her husband don't seem that interested in having the kind of bond you describe. She is having the baby because this could be her only opportunity to have one. She will do her duty of taking care of the child, through proxy parenting, and the kid will later be just as dutiful when mom and dad are older. They are ok with it and many 1% families live like this. I suppose they are our equivalent of the royals and their friends in other countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the backlash. If OP works 12 hours a day that's the only way to manage things. And if she can afford help why not? Why is it that there is such a premium on being a martyr to housework, and most of all to school volunteering?

Come on. Nobody is objecting to the housework. They're saying it's crazy to have a child if both parents absolutely must work 12 hours a day and 5 hours on the weekends. I wouldn't even bother having a fish if I worked that schedule.

[Anonymous]

I grew up like this. I have a decent relationship with my mother thanks to lots of therapy and absolutely no relationship with my father. Not surprisingly my parents are also now divorced. I don't keep in touch with my nanny either. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I have issues with attachment and it took having my own husband and kids to fully start to mend from my childhood.

Op, please consider being there at least on weekends. Be fair to the human being you're bringing into this world.

[Anonymous]

You can probably hire out most of the care taking, house work etc. But what happens when this nanny, who has been your child's main bonded care giver, leaves? The nanny who posted previously said she still has a relationship with the kids. What if that wasn't possible? After 5 years of having this pseudo-mother, the nanny quits, because after all it's just a job. Whose hurt in this scenario? It's the child.

Hiring out the work of parenthood works to a degree, but not completely. The issue of bonding is huge. I think you can work a high powered job and still bond, but you have to work incredibly hard at it in the time you DO have. Which is weekends. Every parent I know that works crazy hours packs their weekends with nothing but their children because that is THEIR TIME. It's precious and they guard it fiercely. The part that broke it for me was the weekend nanny. I just, I can't imagine that lifestyle is good for the child. At all.

I really don't want to judge you OP. Women find all kinds of ways to make jobs and motherhood work, and I think almost all of us are just doing the best we can. But I'm concerned that maybe motherhood/parenthood isn't what's right for you and your DH. Please make some of your decisions with what's best for the child in mind.

[Anonymous]

When you have children, you OWE them your time and attention and the time and attention of a nanny(ies), au pair(s) does not make up for the time and attention of a parent! Those of you who think it does will find out how wrong you were.

Children are not accessories to be brought out for special occasions to be shown off as another one of your trophies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire a family member to do it? Like maybe one of your moms if she is retired?

I see people saying you really need two people but what you *really* need imo is consistency. Your baby doesn't need to be with Mom or Dad necessarily but he or she will need to bond with one primary caregiver. The more time you can give with the primary nanny, the better off your baby will be.

Why would a mom retire and then want to work as a paid nanny for her grandkids? Get with the times.