Marital rape?

[Anonymous]

The double standards are out in force in this thread. If the husband initiates while she is sleeping and she doesn't give consent after she wakes up is is rape? But when a woman gives her husband a blowjob while his is sleeping and he "enjoys" it, it's not rape? Please, they are the same thing. Enjoying something is not "consent", we've seen enough rape trials to know that how the victim responds does not mean they consented. For all he knew she WAS enjoying it, because she gave zero inclination otherwise even though she was clearly awake.

[Anonymous]

I think the most reasonable answer is that it depends on the established boundaries of the relationship.

If you just started blowing an unconscious stranger, that's almost certainly sexual assault. If you have an existing sexual relationship, it's different.

I don't know exactly where the line is, but I can say with confidence that the current trend of declaring anything short of "enthusiastic affirmative consent" to be rape, by outlets like Jezebel, has seriously polarized and contaminated the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ, you all. This is not a tough question:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ, you all. This is not a tough question:

Incorrect. The situation at question is more akin to someone forcing you to drink tea, you being awake and letting them pour the tea down your throat, and then you acting normal after this incident. The logical conclusion is that you really like having tea forced down your throat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The double standards are out in force in this thread. If the husband initiates while she is sleeping and she doesn't give consent after she wakes up is is rape? But when a woman gives her husband a blowjob while his is sleeping and he "enjoys" it, it's not rape? Please, they are the same thing. Enjoying something is not "consent", we've seen enough rape trials to know that how the victim responds does not mean they consented. For all he knew she WAS enjoying it, because she gave zero inclination otherwise even though she was clearly awake.

You're right, it's the same thing. Don't blow your husband in his sleep unless you have previous communications from him that he would like that. And if you have that, do it one time and it turns out he didn't like it, don't do it again.

This isn't rocket science. If it's OK in your relationship to wake your partner up for sex, great. But how hard is it to wake them up FIRST before you go super sexual on them? And when in doubt, don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ, you all. This is not a tough question:

Incorrect. The situation at question is more akin to someone forcing you to drink tea, you being awake and letting them pour the tea down your throat, and then you acting normal after this incident. The logical conclusion is that you really like having tea forced down your throat.

Unconscious people don't want tea. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ, you all. This is not a tough question:

Incorrect. The situation at question is more akin to someone forcing you to drink tea, you being awake and letting them pour the tea down your throat, and then you acting normal after this incident. The logical conclusion is that you really like having tea forced down your throat.

Unconscious people don't want tea. End of story.

True. But some of us want blow jobs even when we're unconscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

I have. I have explicit permission from my husband to wake him up with sex at any time.

I hate that kind of thing, however, and I'd be super-pissed if he did the same thing to me. I've told him explicitly that I don't consent to being sexed up while I am sleeping.

Amazing how clear things can be if you use your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

I have. I have explicit permission from my husband to wake him up with sex at any time.

I hate that kind of thing, however, and I'd be super-pissed if he did the same thing to me. I've told him explicitly that I don't consent to being sexed up while I am sleeping.

Amazing how clear things can be if you use your words.

Absolutely. "No. Stop that." works wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

I have. I have explicit permission from my husband to wake him up with sex at any time.

I hate that kind of thing, however, and I'd be super-pissed if he did the same thing to me. I've told him explicitly that I don't consent to being sexed up while I am sleeping.

Amazing how clear things can be if you use your words.

Absolutely. "No. Stop that." works wonders.

Sure. But that shouldn't be the default requirement - "I can do whatever I want to your body unless you tell me to stop." The default should be that you get consent - ongoing consent - in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

I have. I have explicit permission from my husband to wake him up with sex at any time.

I hate that kind of thing, however, and I'd be super-pissed if he did the same thing to me. I've told him explicitly that I don't consent to being sexed up while I am sleeping.

Amazing how clear things can be if you use your words.

Absolutely. "No. Stop that." works wonders.

Sure. But that shouldn't be the default requirement - "I can do whatever I want to your body unless you tell me to stop." The default should be that you get consent - ongoing consent - in advance.

If you leave your front door open, and someone walks in, are they guilty of trespassing?

Without more context, it's hard to say for sure.

The problem with affirmative consent is that it pretends that consent can be reduced to a simple math equation. Real life is not often so cut and dried.

[Anonymous]

For fucks sake, now I'm afraid to grab my wife's ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ, you all. This is not a tough question:

Incorrect. The situation at question is more akin to someone forcing you to drink tea, you being awake and letting them pour the tea down your throat, and then you acting normal after this incident. The logical conclusion is that you really like having tea forced down your throat.

Unconscious people don't want tea. End of story.

True. But some of us want blow jobs even when we're unconscious.

She wasn't unconscious, she most likely woke up immediately. And still didn't say anything while she was conscious, because she was pretending to be asleep.

[Anonymous]

I'm still stunned by the amount of people who enjoy sex with their unconscious/ half asleep partner.
That's just creepy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The double standards are out in force in this thread. If the husband initiates while she is sleeping and she doesn't give consent after she wakes up is is rape? But when a woman gives her husband a blowjob while his is sleeping and he "enjoys" it, it's not rape? Please, they are the same thing. Enjoying something is not "consent", we've seen enough rape trials to know that how the victim responds does not mean they consented. For all he knew she WAS enjoying it, because she gave zero inclination otherwise even though she was clearly awake.

Enjoy was a poor choice of words. If the partner in question male or female is fine with their partner initiating sex while they are sleeping or even completing sex before waking up then it's not rape.
This is something that should be given the all clear beforehand.
Personally, even with consent that's not appealing to me.

It's clear in the scenario in the OP the wife was not okay with what happened. The biggest red flag in the OP is that the husband brushed off the wife's complaints when she confronted him.
As this thread shows I can see how some people still (wrongly imo) believe they are free to do as they please with their spouse, but if your spouse tells you they aren't cool with it your response shouldn't be get over it.