Marital rape?

[Anonymous]

To the people making this about them and their political agenda - f*ck you.

How about we talk about what the poster can do to fix the situation, instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people making this about them and their political agenda - f*ck you.

How about we talk about what the poster can do to fix the situation, instead?

The poster can't do anything to fix the situation because it didn't even happen to her. We are hearing about something she heard from a friend, so the details probably aren't even all correct to begin with.

I think the husband is fine as long as he doesn't do it again, now that he KNOWS after she finally told him that it's not ok. How many married woman have not had to shrug off unwanted advances from their husband when they are not in the mood? Those are just as "non-consensual". If she had spoken up the first time I don't think there would have been a second. Hopefully he learned his lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people making this about them and their political agenda - f*ck you.

How about we talk about what the poster can do to fix the situation, instead?

Oh you mean, the posters not saying that women should accept that the husbands own their bodies, STFU.

Here's the problem: this woman is uncomfortable but can't find her voice, because of .. Well, posters like half the folks on here.

He married her. She married him. They should be equal, but the "taking" of a woman when she can't consent is an aggressive move. I doubt he would move in an immediately penetrate her digitally if she was awake. He fact that he does it when she is asleep is exactly the point. She is not chattel.

If you want to turn it into politics, we can. Consider even woman who is "asking for it" by dressing provocatively, by being put late, or hell, by being a woman and maybe being unconscious At the time.

There is a difference between "dream time" sex, and taking advantage of someone who is unconscious. Re read the thread to understand the difference.

[Anonymous]

My husband has rubbed against me, groped and sometimes touched me intimately in order to initiate sex while I'm sleeping. Honestly, it never bothered me. I (almost) always wake up and have sex with him. I've done the same to him. I personally do not view this as rape.
I'm not saying that OP's friend shouldn't be bothered by this. I just think it has a lot to do with the health of the couple's intimacy. For instance, if I am happy in my marriage- I welcome my husbands touching. If we are going through a rough patch, I tell him to stop (and he does).
I really think that the woman should get into counseling WITH her husband.

[Anonymous]

So if a wife reaches over and fondle a husband while he is sleeping...what is that? What if he is still sleeping and she has sex with him?

[Anonymous]

I don't think the op is real. This topic and scenario is a reoccurring troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people making this about them and their political agenda - f*ck you.

How about we talk about what the poster can do to fix the situation, instead?

Oh you mean, the posters not saying that women should accept that the husbands own their bodies, STFU.

Here's the problem: this woman is uncomfortable but can't find her voice, because of .. Well, posters like half the folks on here.

He married her. She married him. They should be equal, but the "taking" of a woman when she can't consent is an aggressive move. I doubt he would move in an immediately penetrate her digitally if she was awake. He fact that he does it when she is asleep is exactly the point. She is not chattel.

If you want to turn it into politics, we can. Consider even woman who is "asking for it" by dressing provocatively, by being put late, or hell, by being a woman and maybe being unconscious At the time.

There is a difference between "dream time" sex, and taking advantage of someone who is unconscious. Re read the thread to understand the difference.

No, I mean let's debate ways the situation can be improved instead of talking about generalized injustices, many of which have NOTHING to do with this situation. F*ck that is annoying.

How about she start with telling her husband she'll break his hands if he does that again? That's what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Look, realistically, one spouse initiating while the other is asleep is not uncommon. My husband has tried to initiate with me when I'm sleeping, but you know what? When I don't wake up, he stops. He doesn't put his fingers inside me and masturbate, because that is sexual activity that I did not consent to and my husband is not a rapist.

I can understand the OP's friend freezing up, particularly due to her previous history of abuse. The posters who say "She should've spoken up" or "That's not what I would do" fail to remember that people respond to things in different ways. Perhaps it wouldn't bother you if this happened to you. It would bother me, and it bother's the OP's friend.

The real problem is that her husband does not realize that what he did isn't okay. He is upset with HER for still being upset. That's not a respectful reaction to this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a stranger does this to you we know what to call it, why is it different if it's your husband??

Context matters. If it's your husband, presumably you have had sex with him many times in the past and are generally agreeable to doing so many times in the future. That suggests at least a reasonable chance that you'll be agreeable to it right now.

With a stranger, the context is completely different. The chance that you'll want to have sex with a stranger right now is miniscule.

A stranger knows or should know that the answer to "do you want to have sex with me right now" is probably "no fucking way." With a spouse, the answer is much more uncertain and there are a non-trivial number of spouses who are probably happy to be woken up with sex. And for those who would not like that under any circumstances, "no, don't do that" isn't an inordinate amount of effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he was being inappropriate, but why does she not say anything when it is happening. My DH sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night turned on and may start rubbing up against me and touching me, but if I'm not into it I just snap at him that I'm tired and we go back to sleep. The times that I have been into it I sometimes just don't say anything and enjoy it. I think my Dh would be a little upset too if in the morning I told him he raped me after not objecting at all when it was happening.

This. I like it when we wake each other like this. But if she didn't, I don't understand why the OP wouldn't say something. Not that it isn't non consentual rape, but you can't compare to stranger rape because there is preexisting intimacy and communication style between spouses. They need to work on both of theirs, it sounds like.

Also, if she's laying there pretending to be asleep, her change in breathing and slightly tense body would tip her partner off that she's 'playing along' wouldn't it? I think she needs to make it clear that it's not ok. They need to establish an action code word for when it's on, and if no code word is forthcoming, he needs to spank it alone and not mess with her. Maybe there are some cultural/religious issues at play here because I can't imagine my DH continuing along penetrating without me being involved/aware, and I also can't imagine not telling him to stop if I wanted him to.

I'm sorry for anyone who had/has this as an ongoing issue. It sounds like necrophilia.

[Anonymous]

It's one thing to wake up to a hand on your boob because your husband is in the mood, but digital penetration? That is completely wrong. I would tell your husband that while your flattered that is so attracted to you and comfortable doing that - you are not comfortable with that. If he ever does it after that talk, he's sleeping elsewhere and because he dose not respect what you said.

[Anonymous]

digital? Like on the internet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has rubbed against me, groped and sometimes touched me intimately in order to initiate sex while I'm sleeping. Honestly, it never bothered me. I (almost) always wake up and have sex with him. I've done the same to him. I personally do not view this as rape.
I'm not saying that OP's friend shouldn't be bothered by this. I just think it has a lot to do with the health of the couple's intimacy. For instance, if I am happy in my marriage- I welcome my husbands touching. If we are going through a rough patch, I tell him to stop (and he does).
I really think that the woman should get into counseling WITH her husband.

1+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:digital? Like on the internet?

Digital as in the digits on your hands. Fingers, duh.

[Anonymous]

My neighbor is divorcing her husband over this now. He took it a step further though...she woke up with his penis in her mouth.