Marital rape?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, haven't had a chance to look at this thread since yesterday and wow. The discourse is surprising and interesting. I spoke with a therapist today who was very helpful. Thanks to those who have shared helpful contributions. I will catch up on reading now.

You spoke to a therapist about a friend's problems!???? Do you have too much time on your hands? Too much money to burn on therapists??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, haven't had a chance to look at this thread since yesterday and wow. The discourse is surprising and interesting. I spoke with a therapist today who was very helpful. Thanks to those who have shared helpful contributions. I will catch up on reading now.

You spoke to a therapist about a friend's problems!???? Do you have too much time on your hands? Too much money to burn on therapists??

Clearly...but we knew that already when she came to DCUM to discuss her friends sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, haven't had a chance to look at this thread since yesterday and wow. The discourse is surprising and interesting. I spoke with a therapist today who was very helpful. Thanks to those who have shared helpful contributions. I will catch up on reading now.

You spoke to a therapist about a friend's problems!???? Do you have too much time on your hands? Too much money to burn on therapists??

Clearly...but we knew that already when she came to DCUM to discuss her friends sex life.

The OP is probably the friend...

[Anonymous]

OP here again, checking out for good since this is getting ugly for no apparent reason. Thanks again to all who commented with helpful intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone marries me, I presume they like having sex with me. If they say no, obviously I will stop. But if they say nothing at all and don't push me away then I assume it's okay.

It's ridiculous that suggesting that someone speaks up and let's their thoughts known is victim blaming. Some people just want to be victims, I guess, without putting in any work to change the world around them.

Exactly this! Unless I specifically say "no" in my marriage, it means yes.

That's kind of fucked up. Unless you're just saying you're normally game for it.

Um, yea. Why wouldn't I normally be up for it? Isn't that the point of being married and sharing an intimate life as opposed to having to start from square one and getting explicit consent every time? No always means no, but silence means different things depending on the context. Of course so many of you are in sexless marriages and otherwise screwed up situations...

2 entirely different issues: (1) If folks are normally up for sex in a marriage, and (2) if it's OK to presume 'yes' in a marriage. #2 is the problem. It's OK to assume you'll get the yes, it's never OK to assume you already have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone marries me, I presume they like having sex with me. If they say no, obviously I will stop. But if they say nothing at all and don't push me away then I assume it's okay.

It's ridiculous that suggesting that someone speaks up and let's their thoughts known is victim blaming. Some people just want to be victims, I guess, without putting in any work to change the world around them.

Exactly this! Unless I specifically say "no" in my marriage, it means yes.

That's kind of fucked up. Unless you're just saying you're normally game for it.

Um, yea. Why wouldn't I normally be up for it? Isn't that the point of being married and sharing an intimate life as opposed to having to start from square one and getting explicit consent every time? No always means no, but silence means different things depending on the context. Of course so many of you are in sexless marriages and otherwise screwed up situations...

2 entirely different issues: (1) If folks are normally up for sex in a marriage, and (2) if it's OK to presume 'yes' in a marriage. #2 is the problem. It's OK to assume you'll get the yes, it's never OK to assume you already have it.

Wait, so you want me to be faithful, but I can't presume that you'll consent to sex? Hahahahaha. Please. If we are married, I assume you are fine with me touching you, end of story. I won't push if you say no, but if you want me to woo you every time to get to yes... Lol I'd rather be with some young thing that wants me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone marries me, I presume they like having sex with me. If they say no, obviously I will stop. But if they say nothing at all and don't push me away then I assume it's okay.

It's ridiculous that suggesting that someone speaks up and let's their thoughts known is victim blaming. Some people just want to be victims, I guess, without putting in any work to change the world around them.

Exactly this! Unless I specifically say "no" in my marriage, it means yes.

That's kind of fucked up. Unless you're just saying you're normally game for it.

Um, yea. Why wouldn't I normally be up for it? Isn't that the point of being married and sharing an intimate life as opposed to having to start from square one and getting explicit consent every time? No always means no, but silence means different things depending on the context. Of course so many of you are in sexless marriages and otherwise screwed up situations...

2 entirely different issues: (1) If folks are normally up for sex in a marriage, and (2) if it's OK to presume 'yes' in a marriage. #2 is the problem. It's OK to assume you'll get the yes, it's never OK to assume you already have it.

Wait, so you want me to be faithful, but I can't presume that you'll consent to sex? Hahahahaha. Please. If we are married, I assume you are fine with me touching you, end of story. I won't push if you say no, but if you want me to woo you every time to get to yes... Lol I'd rather be with some young thing that wants me.

Not PP, but why not?
A no doesn't always have to be verbal either.
But I didn't get married just for sex on demand, but I also see a spouse as more than a blow up doll.

[Anonymous]

Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

Yes, as long as you think what the husband did is rape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

Depends on how the boyfriend/husband feels about it?
Millions of people do lots of things, doesn't make it right or okay?
In general I prefer my sexual activities to be with the fully conscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ever "woken up" your boyfriends/husbands with a surprise BJ?

Millions of women have. Does that make them rapists?

Yes, as long as you think what the husband did is rape.

It depends did he wak e up and was into it, I would say no.
If he didn' fully wake up or did not respond favorably like the OP's "friend" I would say yes.

[Anonymous]

Schrodinger's rapist. You don't know if you've raped until after he wakes up & tells you if he liked the bj.

[Anonymous]

Just pointing out that consent isn't a simple math equation as feminist academics insist.

As the "Wake-up BJ" example indicates, there are shades of gray, and a lot of women unwittingly implicate themselves when they reflexively support "affirmative consent" legislation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone marries me, I presume they like having sex with me. If they say no, obviously I will stop. But if they say nothing at all and don't push me away then I assume it's okay.

It's ridiculous that suggesting that someone speaks up and let's their thoughts known is victim blaming. Some people just want to be victims, I guess, without putting in any work to change the world around them.

Exactly this! Unless I specifically say "no" in my marriage, it means yes.

That's kind of fucked up. Unless you're just saying you're normally game for it.

Um, yea. Why wouldn't I normally be up for it? Isn't that the point of being married and sharing an intimate life as opposed to having to start from square one and getting explicit consent every time? No always means no, but silence means different things depending on the context. Of course so many of you are in sexless marriages and otherwise screwed up situations...

2 entirely different issues: (1) If folks are normally up for sex in a marriage, and (2) if it's OK to presume 'yes' in a marriage. #2 is the problem. It's OK to assume you'll get the yes, it's never OK to assume you already have it.

Wait, so you want me to be faithful, but I can't presume that you'll consent to sex? Hahahahaha. Please. If we are married, I assume you are fine with me touching you, end of story. I won't push if you say no, but if you want me to woo you every time to get to yes... Lol I'd rather be with some young thing that wants me.

Not PP, but why not?
A no doesn't always have to be verbal either.
But I didn't get married just for sex on demand, but I also see a spouse as more than a blow up doll.

I didn't get married for sex on demand either. But I also didn't get married to play these passive aggressive games. If you don't want it, tell me or move my hand. If we regularly have sex in a certain way, I'll obviously think you like it that way unless you SPEAK UP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A no doesn't always have to be verbal either.
But I didn't get married just for sex on demand, but I also see a spouse as more than a blow up doll.

When a nonverbal "no" doesn't get the job done, elevating it to the very short, one syllable verbal "no" isn't a titanic effort. If the guy is abusive and has conditioned you to fear saying "no," that's a different story. Being able to stop sex with a single word is hardly "sex on demand."