Fourth Date Silence

[Anonymous]

As an unrelated observer whose coworkers are trying to get me to do online dating, I really feel for the OP, and maybe the OP's date if she's sending him a message? I have no idea. I don't understand the back and forth etiquette of online dating.

Is it worth it, people who've done it? Is it worth the constant self-doubt? I've been fine for years, feel like the last thing I need is a (or any, online, multiple?) person who aren't really interested. I don't want to waste my time, and it seems like any online thing is going to be a waste of time.

I'm second hand jaded! Really, others' experiences make me appreciate silence so much more...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait so should OP have asked her on her last date POLITELY, hey we are on date 4. Are we going anywhere with this relationship if not its OK, but I'd like to know? I keep hearing that is way to weird to ask a girl that soon. But you guys are saying be direct.

Not necessarily like that. But you can acknowledge that "the fourth date" for many people is loaded with meaning and is often a decision point for people. You can just say that you're having a good time and would like to continue to ask her out, taking it one date at a time. For you, it's pretty simple: you ask someone out if you enjoy their company. If things veer to the friend-zone or more romantically, both outcomes are ok. (Someone out there is probably better at imagining how to say this than I am. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait so should OP have asked her on her last date POLITELY, hey we are on date 4. Are we going anywhere with this relationship if not its OK, but I'd like to know? I keep hearing that is way to weird to ask a girl that soon. But you guys are saying be direct.

Not necessarily like that. But you can acknowledge that "the fourth date" for many people is loaded with meaning and is often a decision point for people. You can just say that you're having a good time and would like to continue to ask her out, taking it one date at a time. For you, it's pretty simple: you ask someone out if you enjoy their company. If things veer to the friend-zone or more romantically, both outcomes are ok. (Someone out there is probably better at imagining how to say this than I am. )

I think you said it very well. It's unreasonable, I think, to ask for a commitment from someone you've been on 4 dates with - especially if you feel like you won't get immediate confirmation that they want the same thing. That said, it IS ok to talk about where you see things going at that point- are they looking for a long-term relationship? Are you? Could you invite them to be your date somewhere to an event with friends/coworkers, or is that too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an unrelated observer whose coworkers are trying to get me to do online dating, I really feel for the OP, and maybe the OP's date if she's sending him a message? I have no idea. I don't understand the back and forth etiquette of online dating.

Is it worth it, people who've done it? Is it worth the constant self-doubt? I've been fine for years, feel like the last thing I need is a (or any, online, multiple?) person who aren't really interested. I don't want to waste my time, and it seems like any online thing is going to be a waste of time.

I'm second hand jaded! Really, others' experiences make me appreciate silence so much more...

I was much like you, resisted the online thing for a LONG time, was mostly content on my own and with the few relationships I'd have from people I met in real life. But honestly,I was ready for a relationship, and real-life offers limited meetings, and online dating exposes you to many people you'd never meet otherwise. Just know (as it sounds like you do) that there will be a learning curve. Try a site for a few months. If that isn't working, rejig your profile, your approach, or try another site. It's overwhelming at first, but becomes much easier if you stick with it for awhile. If you're seeing someone several times, and there's a lot of doubt, they likely aren't the person for you.

I've been doing it off-and-on, tried 3 different sites, for a year now, and have not made it farther than 5 dates with anyone. However, my first date #6 is scheduled for this week. This person has met some of my friends, I can see them fitting in with my life, and I'm contemplating exclusivity.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP above, and wanted to say to your point about wasted time - one of the best pieces of advice I got when I started online dating was that I needed to manage my own time, because no one else was going to do it for me. I know one woman who went out with 40 different people in the space of 4 months. She was sometimes having multiple dates/day. Coffee/drinks or lunch/dinner. I couldn't do that even if I found that many people I was interested in (which I didn't). I found that at absolute most, I could manage casually seeing (up to 4 or so dates, funnily enough) two people at once, seeing them each once a week. Set your own pace, whether that's for replying to messages, how many dates/week you go on, etc. The whole goal, after all, is to find someone who is compatible with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she actually did text me back but many hours later. Which to me is not normal behavior for her. I sent her a friendly message a few hours later. Was out to dinner with same cousin whose in town for 10 days with her husband. Haven't heard back yet, but I do know she has lost interest.

You don't go four weeks of replaying within an hour or less of each text to all of a sudden 8 hour gaps. To everyone here I suggested a weekday date since she is again out of town this weekend. That she told me weeks ago as well so I don't think this is an excuse.

What did she say in her text?

Nothing just a friendly remark in regards to the article I had sent her earlier. I replied a few hours later to which I have no reply as of yet. Just asked her how her putting on Sunday was. Even if she did I have my answer now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but her excuse was not that she would be busy that night, but she already knows that she will be too tired to go out that night.

I wouldn't want to go out two nights in a row during the work week, either. because it would affect my work.

If I were you I'd ask her out for the weekend and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she actually did text me back but many hours later. Which to me is not normal behavior for her. I sent her a friendly message a few hours later. Was out to dinner with same cousin whose in town for 10 days with her husband. Haven't heard back yet, but I do know she has lost interest.

You don't go four weeks of replaying within an hour or less of each text to all of a sudden 8 hour gaps. To everyone here I suggested a weekday date since she is again out of town this weekend. That she told me weeks ago as well so I don't think this is an excuse.

What did she say in her text?

Nothing just a friendly remark in regards to the article I had sent her earlier. I replied a few hours later to which I have no reply as of yet. Just asked her how her putting on Sunday was. Even if she did I have my answer now.

oh dear lord, maybe she's busy for once. you sound like a stage 5 clinger

[Anonymous]

Hey OP,
You are a good guy. You are going to do just fine! We women can be a real handful -- even at the best of times. I can tell that you have good instincts and you seem to have read the situation quite well.

When you are interested in someone, don't be afraid to show it. You may be rejected outright by some, and you may be ignored by those who wish to play games, but you will end up with the right lady eventually. Plenty of lovely women out there who will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Have fun dating. Enjoy meeting some new people. DC is a wonderland for nice guys ready to settle down.

And don't take DCUM advice too seriously. The relationship board is skewed to women who have been mistreated by men, but there is some great advice to be had on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're not a kid anymore, then I'd take the straight-talk, say-it-like-it-is approach. In other words, be honest.

You can tell her you're really interested in seeing her again, you think you both have a good time together, but you're not sure if she's interested or maybe needs some more time to think about it? You can say that really, her feelings are none of your business unless she wants to make them your business but if she would like to go out again, she shouldn't hesitate to say so. You don't have any specific expectations on a date except to both have a good time. You're not on any particular timeline, deadline, or agenda, and you just feel lucky you found someone smart, beautiful, charming and funny who strikes your fancy.

You can also invite her to just say whatever it is she's thinking. If she's thinking that she doesn't see a date in the future, she can tell you this because you can take this news like a mature man. Yes, you'd be disappointed, but you'd wish her well and hope she finds the kind of happiness she wants and deserves.

As a grown woman, I would appreciate this kind of conversation. I would feel like I didn't have to drop hints, knowing that the adult man I canoodled can handle straight-talkin' women!

Is someone said that to me after a couple dates I would run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey similar thing happened to me last week. I didn't sleep with this girl, but we went on 3 dates. My question is I truly did like hanging out with her. She and I went salsa dancing as well. Even though she ignored my last text can I send her one in a few days inviting her out to dance with a few of my friends. Stating that we can hang out just as friends. Not sure if that is a weird thing to do?

So, doesn't anyone actually call women anymore? Is it all by text?

No wonder no one ever has any idea what the other one is thinking.

This seems to be the case. I've had some of the under 30 set say (on here at least) it's creepy when a guy actually calls them.

That's too bad. I met DW in 1990, before cell phones and texting. When we couldn't see each other we'd spend hours on the phone in the evening just talking. Now everything is short one-sentence blurbs.

NP here. I met DH in 1994, also no cell phones or texting. We talked a lot on the phone as well. OP, you think it's over because she didn't respond to a text message within 1 day? Good grief. Just call her and ask her for a date for next week or next weekend. She is busy getting ready for her trip, etc for this coming weekend.

All these people commenting that didn't have to date in this century need to realize things are done differently now, I know it is strange but the judgments you have made about OP when you have no idea what it is like are obnoxious. People met online, we text because it is easier to accommodate everyone's schedule, Ghosting is a thing..sorry you can't relate but you can't help OP with your "good griefs" and "in my day back in the 90's" shit

Point taken. But maybe if people today acted more like men and women they'd not be posting sad little laments on parenting boards when some girl he met hasn't texted him back in a few hours.

You may see this as a modern relationship when it's really just sad and immature.

If I ever found myself single again there's no way I enter into these bullshit games. I'd rather just be by myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're not a kid anymore, then I'd take the straight-talk, say-it-like-it-is approach. In other words, be honest.

You can tell her you're really interested in seeing her again, you think you both have a good time together, but you're not sure if she's interested or maybe needs some more time to think about it? You can say that really, her feelings are none of your business unless she wants to make them your business but if she would like to go out again, she shouldn't hesitate to say so. You don't have any specific expectations on a date except to both have a good time. You're not on any particular timeline, deadline, or agenda, and you just feel lucky you found someone smart, beautiful, charming and funny who strikes your fancy.

You can also invite her to just say whatever it is she's thinking. If she's thinking that she doesn't see a date in the future, she can tell you this because you can take this news like a mature man. Yes, you'd be disappointed, but you'd wish her well and hope she finds the kind of happiness she wants and deserves.

As a grown woman, I would appreciate this kind of conversation. I would feel like I didn't have to drop hints, knowing that the adult man I canoodled can handle straight-talkin' women!

Is someone said that to me after a couple dates I would run.

Not to stir that pot but as a single guy a lot of taken women give me advice that I would never say to a woman. Like the one mentioned above so early on in dating. That is a conversation to be had way down the road. Online dating is great and bad at the same time. No one really has a commitment to the other person vs. someone met through mutual friends. Online dating has really pushed the term ghosting to a new level. But you do have access to people you never would have normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're not a kid anymore, then I'd take the straight-talk, say-it-like-it-is approach. In other words, be honest.

You can tell her you're really interested in seeing her again, you think you both have a good time together, but you're not sure if she's interested or maybe needs some more time to think about it? You can say that really, her feelings are none of your business unless she wants to make them your business but if she would like to go out again, she shouldn't hesitate to say so. You don't have any specific expectations on a date except to both have a good time. You're not on any particular timeline, deadline, or agenda, and you just feel lucky you found someone smart, beautiful, charming and funny who strikes your fancy.

You can also invite her to just say whatever it is she's thinking. If she's thinking that she doesn't see a date in the future, she can tell you this because you can take this news like a mature man. Yes, you'd be disappointed, but you'd wish her well and hope she finds the kind of happiness she wants and deserves.

As a grown woman, I would appreciate this kind of conversation. I would feel like I didn't have to drop hints, knowing that the adult man I canoodled can handle straight-talkin' women!

Is someone said that to me after a couple dates I would run.

Me too, and I'm a very open, non-game playing person. It's just too much, somehow, and could backfire. It's showing that you're actually already way invested, even if that's not your intention.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be too nice a guy at the beginning. Most women will never admit it, but you need a 5-15% jerk quotient to be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm currently a woman, 30, in the dating scene. The 3rd or 4th is a fade point for some women. She likes you but either isn't attracted to you or doesn't see that you have enough in common (or both). Good luck OP, keep trying!

Translation= thanks for all the dinners and drinks, off to the next victim.