Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

[Anonymous]

Go post on Money and Finances. You asked for the best way to blend the FAMILY, not the portfolios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him
their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.

My spouse died 8 months ago and I cannot fathom dating anyone right now. At all. The thought of it is repugnant. Most men seem to move on more quickly, as the can't seem to be alone.

Not the OP, but I wanted to say that I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

[Anonymous]

OP here--

More clarification:

1. The in-laws told him they're okay with him moving on BEFORE we started dating, likely right at or after the one year mark. Friends have played match maker. Clearly, those who actually know him and the family know where they all are in the grieving process and recognize that it's time.

2. We just started dating but given our history and where we are in life (older, knowing what we want) we already know where this is going and yes, marriage was brought to the table pretty quickly--as I've found it often is with older people who know who the heck they are and what the heck they want. That's a huge part of the reason I can easily wait another year or two and date this thing out before marrying and moving in. But the question was asked explicitly and I said that I need more time before I can say yes. I am that one who got away that he's likely been pining for but because he's such a decent human being, he never pursued or acted on it while married. And he's the one who got away from me. Ditto on being too decent to pursue it while he was married.

[Anonymous]

Riiiiight. It sounds like you're the rebound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

Clearly you don't know any of these people.

None of you do.

What maternal grandmother fears being removed from the lives of her 17 and 18 year old iphone-owning, car driving grandchildren?

I'm LOL'ing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

More clarification:

1. The in-laws told him they're okay with him moving on BEFORE we started dating, likely right at or after the one year mark. Friends have played match maker. Clearly, those who actually know him and the family know where they all are in the grieving process and recognize that it's time.

2. We just started dating but given our history and where we are in life (older, knowing what we want) we already know where this is going and yes, marriage was brought to the table pretty quickly--as I've found it often is with older people who know who the heck they are and what the heck they want. That's a huge part of the reason I can easily wait another year or two and date this thing out before marrying and moving in. But the question was asked explicitly and I said that I need more time before I can say yes. I am that one who got away that he's likely been pining for but because he's such a decent human being, he never pursued or acted on it while married. And he's the one who got away from me. Ditto on being too decent to pursue it while he was married.

Face it, you were second choice for him. He chose her NOT you. He had kids with her, not YOU. He gave her his youth.
You get her sloppy seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

Clearly you don't know any of these people.

None of you do.

What maternal grandmother fears being removed from the lives of her 17 and 18 year old iphone-owning, car driving grandchildren?

I'm LOL'ing!

Laugh all you want. You are a disgusting person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Riiiiight. It sounds like you're the rebound.

Okay.

Whatever the case, here we are.

Preparing to marry and I'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed from a financial/assets standpoint.

But thanks for your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

More clarification:

1. The in-laws told him they're okay with him moving on BEFORE we started dating, likely right at or after the one year mark. Friends have played match maker. Clearly, those who actually know him and the family know where they all are in the grieving process and recognize that it's time.

2. We just started dating but given our history and where we are in life (older, knowing what we want) we already know where this is going and yes, marriage was brought to the table pretty quickly--as I've found it often is with older people who know who the heck they are and what the heck they want. That's a huge part of the reason I can easily wait another year or two and date this thing out before marrying and moving in. But the question was asked explicitly and I said that I need more time before I can say yes. I am that one who got away that he's likely been pining for but because he's such a decent human being, he never pursued or acted on it while married. And he's the one who got away from me. Ditto on being too decent to pursue it while he was married.

Face it, you were second choice for him. He chose her NOT you. He had kids with her, not YOU. He gave her his youth.
You get her sloppy seconds.

LOL!

Okay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are so selfish, and I am so sorry for this man's children. You know that these children are not ready to have another woman move into the home they shared with their now-dead mother, and your first concern about this is...protecting yourself from them in the future if their dad dies, too?

If you love this man, you will tell him that, for the sake of maintaining a good relationship with his children, he needs to delay marriage/your moving in for a year or two and seek family counseling with the children to make sure they are adjusting OK and give them time to grieve. If this doesn't happen, he may lose one or all of them forever, and really mess them up in a lot of other ways.

But of course you only care about yourself, so better prepare for how you're going to keep those brats from taking advantage of you.

My own dad married a woman just like you a year after my mom died. It changed out relationship forever, and his wife made it clear that she regarded my brothers and I as annoying.

You are only in this man's children's lives because their mom is DEAD. Do you get that? You need to move slowly if you care about them, not move in right away. Why not just date the man AND get to know his children, earning their trust and allowing them time to grieve their dead mom before you plow in.

OP here. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and wish you the best in someday moving forward. Clearly you're projecting your issues onto my situation--which has absolutely nothing to do with yours.

Sending e-hugs your way.

OP you are a good woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him
their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.

My spouse died 8 months ago and I cannot fathom dating anyone right now. At all. The thought of it is repugnant. Most men seem to move on more quickly, as the can't seem to be alone.

Not the OP, but I wanted to say that I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

Clearly you don't know any of these people.

None of you do.

What maternal grandmother fears being removed from the lives of her 17 and 18 year old iphone-owning, car driving grandchildren?

I'm LOL'ing!

Laugh all you want. You are a disgusting person.

And clearly you're a miserable person.

There is nothing disgusting about planning to marry a widow--and all that comes with it.

I'm sending you e-hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds flighty and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

Clearly you don't know any of these people.

None of you do.

What maternal grandmother fears being removed from the lives of her 17 and 18 year old iphone-owning, car driving grandchildren?

I'm LOL'ing!

Laugh all you want. You are a disgusting person.

And clearly you're a miserable person.

There is nothing disgusting about planning to marry a widow--and all that comes with it.

I'm sending you e-hugs.

The timing is disgusting. So is the way she wants to take the home from those girls.