Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would be more approving if she appeared to care about the girls and want to build a relationship and lasting bond with them. But she clearly has multiple priorities, and a relationship with the girls isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

So you think you'd get married to him and in case something happens to him you want to make sure you get the house... but you wouldn't leave him your house? Simply because yours costs less than his? And he "doesn't need your income" and therefore the asset of your house, right? Oh, and your son grew up there but that's TOTALLY NOT the real reason.

And his daughters grew up in his house that you claim is 3x more than yours, but you should get it if you're married because you're poorer than him/they would be if he died and left it all to them.

This is what we call a double-standard. Unless you sign a pre-nup, then your house should become his.

Your comment about his girls kicking you out of the house if he dies indicates they don't like you. Is that the case? And does your son like SO? Work on these relationships first and don't seem so greedy. Maybe that's why they don't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

Clearly you don't know any of these people.

None of you do.

What maternal grandmother fears being removed from the lives of her 17 and 18 year old iphone-owning, car driving grandchildren?

I'm LOL'ing!

Laugh all you want. You are a disgusting person.

And clearly you're a miserable person.

There is nothing disgusting about planning to marry a widow--and all that comes with it.

I'm sending you e-hugs.

The timing is disgusting. So is the way she wants to take the home from those girls.

You don't get to dictate the timing on how someone lives his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Riiiiight. It sounds like you're the rebound.

Okay.

Whatever the case, here we are.

Preparing to marry and I'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed from a financial/assets standpoint.

But thanks for your perspective.

The best way is DON'T. Or at least wait. If you're planning to date for more than a year, then why do you have to figure all of this out now?

You should see a financial planner. Maybe you can come up with some sort of scheme in which you only get the house if you have been married for a certain time. Or, the daughters get the house but only if they are under a certain age or willing to come live in it, otherwise you get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would be more approving if she appeared to care about the girls and want to build a relationship and lasting bond with them. But she clearly has multiple priorities, and a relationship with the girls isn't one of them.

As if your approval matters.

You do realize you're of NO importance to anyone in this situation, don't you?

Geeze, you ask for anonymous advice and people start to overestimate their importance in the matter.

[Anonymous]

OP here once again thanking all for chiming in!

Just want to be very clear that I take anonymous DCUM advice with a humungous grain of salt. You've got to: No one here knows me, my SO, our children, etc.

So continue to post your thoughts and opinions freely. I will continue to nod and carefully consider some of the opinions and laugh and scoff at others. And trust me, some of these posts are just HILARIOUS to me!

Heading out to spend time with SO!

Will check in later!

[Anonymous]

OP - Are you divorced from your son's father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you expect the wife's parents to say about it?
If they told him they were uncomfortable with the dating, it is very likely that the widower would distance himself--and the grandchildren--from them. Their daughter is dead. They are going to support the new widower in everything because their ties to the grandchildren could be precarious if they don't.

I agree, her parents will say whatever they need to in order to remain in the grandkids lives.

Clearly you don't know any of these people.

None of you do.

What maternal grandmother fears being removed from the lives of her 17 and 18 year old iphone-owning, car driving grandchildren?

I'm LOL'ing!

Laugh all you want. You are a disgusting person.

And clearly you're a miserable person.

There is nothing disgusting about planning to marry a widow--and all that comes with it.

I'm sending you e-hugs.

The timing is disgusting. So is the way she wants to take the home from those girls.

You don't get to dictate the timing on how someone lives his life.

I'm commenting, not dictating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

More clarification:

1. The in-laws told him they're okay with him moving on BEFORE we started dating, likely right at or after the one year mark. Friends have played match maker. Clearly, those who actually know him and the family know where they all are in the grieving process and recognize that it's time.

2. We just started dating but given our history and where we are in life (older, knowing what we want) we already know where this is going and yes, marriage was brought to the table pretty quickly--as I've found it often is with older people who know who the heck they are and what the heck they want. That's a huge part of the reason I can easily wait another year or two and date this thing out before marrying and moving in. But the question was asked explicitly and I said that I need more time before I can say yes. I am that one who got away that he's likely been pining for but because he's such a decent human being, he never pursued or acted on it while married. And he's the one who got away from me. Ditto on being too decent to pursue it while he was married.

Face it, you were second choice for him. He chose her NOT you. He had kids with her, not YOU. He gave her his youth.
You get her sloppy seconds.

PP, you have Issues. I gather your husband has "one that got away" and you're a wee bit insecure about it....

OP, second the advice that you work it out with a financial planner. What would your future husband want to happen to the house if he passed? Whatever it is, you can work out the legalities. But it sounds like you haven't had that conversation with him. You should have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again thanking all for chiming in!

Just want to be very clear that I take anonymous DCUM advice with a humungous grain of salt. You've got to: No one here knows me, my SO, our children, etc.

So continue to post your thoughts and opinions freely. I will continue to nod and carefully consider some of the opinions and laugh and scoff at others. And trust me, some of these posts are just HILARIOUS to me!

Heading out to spend time with SO!

Will check in later!

Definite troll. Please stop feeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

More clarification:

1. The in-laws told him they're okay with him moving on BEFORE we started dating, likely right at or after the one year mark. Friends have played match maker. Clearly, those who actually know him and the family know where they all are in the grieving process and recognize that it's time.

2. We just started dating but given our history and where we are in life (older, knowing what we want) we already know where this is going and yes, marriage was brought to the table pretty quickly--as I've found it often is with older people who know who the heck they are and what the heck they want. That's a huge part of the reason I can easily wait another year or two and date this thing out before marrying and moving in. But the question was asked explicitly and I said that I need more time before I can say yes. I am that one who got away that he's likely been pining for but because he's such a decent human being, he never pursued or acted on it while married. And he's the one who got away from me. Ditto on being too decent to pursue it while he was married.

Face it, you were second choice for him. He chose her NOT you. He had kids with her, not YOU. He gave her his youth.
You get her sloppy seconds.

PP, you have Issues. I gather your husband has "one that got away" and you're a wee bit insecure about it....

OP, second the advice that you work it out with a financial planner. What would your future husband want to happen to the house if he passed? Whatever it is, you can work out the legalities. But it sounds like you haven't had that conversation with him. You should have it.

+100

[Anonymous]

NP here. Assuming it is not a troll, I actually get OP's question. How many times do you hear about someone with substantial wealth passing away and legal battles between the children and the step mom? Legally speaking, spouse inherits unless you have clearly spelled out otherwise. I see OP as trying to be fair to his children, fair to her son, and fair to herself. I think there are three things to consider. The day to day budget and how you split expenses, how things for the kids will be handled like if either of you want to help pay for weddings or downpayments for a home or to bail kids out of financial trouble and the will/estate planning. As other people have mentioned, you can get something legally that his daughters inherit the house but you get to live there until your death.

The more challenging will be that you guys agree on how big financial decisions are made including those that involve the soon to be blended family. My only advice is if you want to have money that you combine from the point that you are married on, make sure you agree up front on big gifts/supports for adult children and any of their children (future grandchildren) up front. I personally think what you do for one child, you do for all the children.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to assume that the OP's story is true and make a few points based on my experience and my friends' experiences:

1. Although you say you plan to marry, you also plan to date for a long time as well. You are really putting the cart before the horse here by worrying about the financial arrangements before you meet his kids, he meets your ds and kids meet each other, etc. Work on that first. You need to "blend" the family first and then go to an attorney and financial planner for advice on how to work out the finances. Also, for someone who has a job and two homes, you seem hyper focused on his money...

2. Don't ever tell his daughters that you think you were the "one that got away." Even if his marriage wasn't perfect (and what marriage is perfect, really?), he and his wife had two kids and a life together.

3. Please honor their mother and remember that she had an importance place in their father's life. Yes, you have known him for 30 years but he had a life and a family and don't minimize that. My stepmother has never "allowed" my father to answer a question about my (deceased) mother when my children have asked about my mom in her presence. She could have said "it's fine - I'm sure the kids want to know about their grandmother or something." Instead, she's silent so my dad ignores the questions. Be generous - you're alive, she isn't.

4. Of course, his in-laws, etc. want him to be happy and not be alone. But that doesn't mean it is going to be easy on everyone and that you will be welcomed with open arms. Especially if you are moving into their daughter's house and re-arranging everything.

If you are waiting two years to get married, then you have plenty of time to work all of this out. You are likely going to have a lot more to work out on the emotional side than the financial side as you seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that you are involved with a widower with two kids who recently lost their mom. It sounds like you think that he's been sitting around waiting for you to come back into his life all these years and the girls are just inconveniences. I'm sure that you didn't intend to come across that way but that's how it came across to me.

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you are a troll. You sound too crass, vulgar ("the house is palatial" "I'm going to date this thing out") and uncaring for this story to be true. If it somehow is, just remember karma is a bitch and if there is any justice in this world you will get yours some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

More clarification:

1. The in-laws told him they're okay with him moving on BEFORE we started dating, likely right at or after the one year mark. Friends have played match maker. Clearly, those who actually know him and the family know where they all are in the grieving process and recognize that it's time.

2. We just started dating but given our history and where we are in life (older, knowing what we want) we already know where this is going and yes, marriage was brought to the table pretty quickly--as I've found it often is with older people who know who the heck they are and what the heck they want. That's a huge part of the reason I can easily wait another year or two and date this thing out before marrying and moving in. But the question was asked explicitly and I said that I need more time before I can say yes. I am that one who got away that he's likely been pining for but because he's such a decent human being, he never pursued or acted on it while married. And he's the one who got away from me. Ditto on being too decent to pursue it while he was married.

Face it, you were second choice for him. He chose her NOT you. He had kids with her, not YOU. He gave her his youth.
You get her sloppy seconds.

PP, you have Issues. I gather your husband has "one that got away" and you're a wee bit insecure about it....

OP, second the advice that you work it out with a financial planner. What would your future husband want to happen to the house if he passed? Whatever it is, you can work out the legalities. But it sounds like you haven't had that conversation with him. You should have it.

It sounds like OP is insecure and is competing with a dead woman. She is trying to downplay the love he had for his wife.
She is a POS.