Men: do brains make up for lack of looks?

[Anonymous]

The answer is

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Brains alone don't make up for lack of looks, but brains + personality can. OP seems like she might be lacking in the personality department, which in my opinion is a bigger deal than either looks or brains.

[Anonymous]

Looks
Personality (sense of humor, kindness, affability)
Status (education, career, money)

Try to have at least 2 of these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I will be the first to admit that I am fat. I'm 5'4" and 200 lbs and the thinnest I've ever been is 185 lbs. I have never really attracted men. However, I went to HYP for undergrad and then Harvard Business School for my MBA, and now make a very nice living as a consultant. I have a wide circle of friends and am very well liked, and I know I'm smart. I've never really been able to attract men, however, because of how I look and because I can't really flirt.

I want to marry a man who has an Ivy League background and comes from a good family. I think that with my brains and career success and social network, I should look like attractive girlfriend material for a successful man. Will they be able to see past my weight? (Don't talk to me about weight loss - I've been down that road a million times, and now I've just decided to accept that I'm fat and the fat is here to stay.)

Describes my SIL and she has been married for 30 years.

She got married in 1984, times have changed a little bit since then.

Right, in the 1980's, men were all about dating obese women.

In 1984, Ivies were easier to get into, and she probably wasn't fat 30 years ago (god, none of us were).

Wow, sweet! SIL aced her way through Ivy then aced thru law school, then went to the top law firm became partner, but it was all very easy back then... and she was not thin back then. She is attractive but not pretty.

[Anonymous]

^^ but she is kind, sweet, loyal, a great cook, and maintains her friendships.

[Anonymous]

I really hope you witches aren't the same people posting about your dear little Larlo's and Larla's getting "bullied" at school!

OP needs to make some adjustments but there are kinder ways to give her advice.

You all are a bunch of harpies and nasty hags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admit it OP, you don't like me all that much.

Not everything is about you PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ, you all are a bunch if psychopaths, being unnecessarily cruel to OP for your own pleasure.

OP- I am am overweight woman and I am married to an Ivy League man. They are out there, you just need to believe you deserve it as much as anyone else. Don't listen to these sad people.

What does "deserve it" mean? How overweight are you, OP has identified herself as obese.

I find it kind of sad that OP with her Harvard, Ivy League, Training couldn't figure out the answer to her question independent of this forum, "do brains make up for lack of looks?"

So you think being smart and well educated means OP should be able to read minds? Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a difference between men and women:

A highly-educated, successful woman is usually not interested in a man who is less educated and doesn't have a great career.

A highly-educated, successful man is much less likely to expect his partner to have a near-equal, or above, level of attainment. Men just aren't wired to have expectations of "success" from women. A physically unattractive woman with an MBA from Harvard is less interesting to a man than a cutie who works at Starbucks.

Most ivy educated, successful guys are going to want a women whose looks and personality are commensurate with what he regards as his level of success.

OP, if you insist on an ivy educated man, you are probably going to have to look for a man who is older and just wants a companion.

This is increasingly less true as time goes by. In generally, men no longer "marry down" and women no longer "marry up."

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/13/world/europe/13iht-letter13.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

This is true, and data backs up that women are increasingly "marrying down," and not necessarily because they have to. Anecdotally, in my social circle, I can think of many couples where the woman is the more educated/successful one, and they didn't get married when they were 45 out of desperation, they married young, in their "prime."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you're hoping men won't be shallow for only wanting to date a thin women while you're just as shallow for only wanting to date a many with an Ivy League degree...

Ditto. You sound like an intolerable loser. No wonder you can't find a date.

[Anonymous]

I think that many of the PP's are taking what you said a bit too literally. I assume you are using "Ivy League" as a short-hand for any well-educated guy who has a job that requires brains and drive. Sometimes DCUM readers can miss the forest for the trees.

I am shorter than you and fatter. I am married to a double Ivy grad who is very successful professionally (and financially). I am a double Ivy grad myself. I think my husband is really handsome, but I like the professor look, so maybe he isn't everyone's cup of tea.

We are really happily married. I think it helps that DH and I really like spending time together so our relationship is based on shared interests and shared goals. I also think I am a nice person who really tries to support him in the things that he wants to accomplish, as he does for me. We are both committed to being good parents and I think we are doing pretty well so far.

Really, I know that I just got extraordinarily lucky. Fat or thin, ugly or pretty, sometimes being a nice person does pay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:200 lbs is not that fat. I know plenty of women that size who have lots of dates and get married. (I got married to an Ivy Leaguer when I was about 175 lbs, but he was bald.) The fact that you don't really date much probably has more to do with the way you are projecting and carrying yourself. Whoever said it's attitude had it right. I would suggest dating outside of the Ivy League to get some experience and confidence, and maybe even find love if you're open to it.

Also, not to pile on, but sometimes when women have stringent requirements like your Ivy League ultimatum, they're really afraid of rejection.

+1. OP sounds like a commitment phobe.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same height as you, 5'4. I'm blonde and typically around 130 pounds. I don't have a college degree. I've never had an issue attracting men and married young. My husband is well educated and wouldn't marry a fat woman because "they don't respect their bodies". His words, not mine. I would just find someone you have things in common with and go from there.

[Anonymous]

I say - don't drop your requirement that the men you date be intelligent and well educated. However, there are many good colleges that are not Ivy Leagues. Many people go to their state school for financial reasons. Many state schools are superb. U. Calif; U. Michigan; U. Wisc; etc. So you should probably expand your horizons in that manner.

Also, I think you should seriously consider making a huge effort to lose weight. I know this is easier said than done but so many men won't see past an overweight gal. If you really and truly want to get married and have kids, you have to work like heck to lose the weight sorry to say. Do it now. Don't wait until you are age 40 and life has passed you by. I know two women who lost a bunch of weight in their mid 40's after not dating very much their whole lives. They were mad at themselves and finally determined to do it and they did but they lost out on having relationships in their 20's and 30's and early 40's. (They didn't feel comfortable dating while chubby and/or they did not attract men. And these are wonderful funny smart women.)

200 is not terrible -- it is not like you are starting out at 250 or 300 - but if you were able to get down to a size 14 or less (say 170), your dating pool will expand greatly. You don't need to get to 120 which is impossibly hard but something more reasonable.

Finally, seek out less attractive geeky type men...Engineers! Computer guys! Science nerds!

[Anonymous]

what is HYP???