my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

Sure, my spouse and I plan to be each other's life-long support. As to children - I love them. I am sure I will love my grandchildren. But just as now, as a grown-up, I am fine not seeing my parents every day, I will be fine not seeing my grandchildren/grown-up children every day. Would I like to see them on a regular basis? Sure. Would I want to be an unpaid childcare worker for them all the time? Nope.

There is plenty of possibilities between those two options.

OP is mad about the lack of babysitting. That's is in the middle, like you say, but many of us don't think it's valid.

[Anonymous]

Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

Sure, my spouse and I plan to be each other's life-long support. As to children - I love them. I am sure I will love my grandchildren. But just as now, as a grown-up, I am fine not seeing my parents every day, I will be fine not seeing my grandchildren/grown-up children every day. Would I like to see them on a regular basis? Sure. Would I want to be an unpaid childcare worker for them all the time? Nope.

There is plenty of possibilities between those two options.

OP is mad about the lack of babysitting. That's is in the middle, like you say, but many of us don't think it's valid.

No, OP is not upset about babysitting, she has a nanny for that. Her parents simply don't care for her or her kids, I mean they do care somewhat but not a lot. Thats their right, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

This is not about rights, it's about feelings. Also, kids can stay home alone from age 9 or so. Only severely impaired need babysitters for 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

You sound bitter and frustrated in your role of a parents. That's sad but not a good reason to lash out on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

You sound bitter and frustrated in your role of a parents. That's sad but not a good reason to lash out on OP.

Wow. You sound completely self-absorbed!
(1) You failed PP's exercise in seeing another person's point of view.
(2) You imposed your own point of view on PP.

You sound lovely! I wish I could spend more time with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

This is not about rights, it's about feelings. Also, kids can stay home alone from age 9 or so. Only severely impaired need babysitters for 18 years.

I agree with the 1st PP.

You missed the point, which is: Don't impose your idea of happiness (which seems identical to your own happiness) on your parents' happiness. PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT FEELINGS. We're all different. That's actually OK! Let them be happy with what works for them.

Also, you know what's meant by babysitting until age 18. Unless your kids were free range from age 9 and you didn't worry about where they were or how fast they were driving or what they were drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

This is not about rights, it's about feelings. Also, kids can stay home alone from age 9 or so. Only severely impaired need babysitters for 18 years.

I agree with the 1st PP.

You missed the point, which is: Don't impose your idea of happiness (which seems identical to your own happiness) on your parents' happiness. PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT FEELINGS. We're all different. That's actually OK! Let them be happy with what works for them.

Also, you know what's meant by babysitting until age 18. Unless your kids were free range from age 9 and you didn't worry about where they were or how fast they were driving or what they were drinking.

Yes, we are all different. Some people are cold and selfish.

[Anonymous]

It is easy to understand OP's parents choose to limit time spent with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the insightful responses. Posting on DCUM I knew I would get the snarky remarks but I know myself and my intentions well enough not to let the nastiness bother me. The truth is I am not looking for free babysitting at all. DH and I work and I have a nanny who watches my kids when I work. We pay her on weekends and even some over night times when DH and I needed our date nights. I think I have asked my parents to babysit 4-6 times in the last 4 years. And, when they have accepted, I usually throw in "I'll cook you dinner" just so it makes it easier on them. I am a very empathetic and accommodating person. I understand that they want their own life and babysitting may not be their top priority. It just makes me sad that I don't have the type of parents who WANT to spend time with their grandchildren as much as I see other grandparents doing. Because they live close, I always get the comment "you are so lucky to have your parents close by so that they can babysit and see your kids all the time". It makes me sad that this isn't the case.

I have said something to my mom one time about her being retired for over a year and not once offering to come over and see us. Her response was "I'll meet you half way at the mall." So, I asked her if she is scared to drive on the beltway because I can give her the back ways to our house too. She said she wasn't scared but thought it would be easier to meet half way. And then went on about having to return something at the mall anyway so it was easy for her. So it goes back to the fact that they will see me and my children when it is easy and fits in their life. I always suck it up and "meet half way" or bring them over to their house. My kids are really well behaved and they love when I bring them to their house. So, this isn't about having misbehaving kids or wanting free babysitting. This was just a way for me to vent and see if there was helpful advice or families who can relate.

OP, my feelings would be hurt if my parents were like this too. You want them to WANT to spend time with your kids. My mom loves to have DC over, but some of my friends have parents who only want grandkids around for photo ops.

So you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Maybe kids are brats.

[Anonymous]

So many selfish, cold people responding here. Why many of you had children in the first place is a total mystery. You could have skipped the whole thing and have more money now to spend on you, you, you and your hobbies and your adventures and you, you, you.

To the OP, I don't think you are out of line for feeling this way. I don't think your desires are unreasonable, even if they are not achievable. I hope you can find peace about this.

And The next time I see my parents I'm going to hug them both and say thank you to them yet again for being so loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

Sure, my spouse and I plan to be each other's life-long support. As to children - I love them. I am sure I will love my grandchildren. But just as now, as a grown-up, I am fine not seeing my parents every day, I will be fine not seeing my grandchildren/grown-up children every day. Would I like to see them on a regular basis? Sure. Would I want to be an unpaid childcare worker for them all the time? Nope.

There is plenty of possibilities between those two options.

Precisely what I was thinking. PP is a dramatic ice queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents spent 18 years babysitting you and another 4 years paying for your college.

Now it's their time for themselves, to use however they want for the years that remain to them. If smoking on a ratty sofa watching reality shows makes them happy, then let them do it.

It may be less family time than you (or I) would like, but they've earned have a right to make their own choices now. As long as they make a reasonable effort to respect family ties and obligations, you have no right to demand they do more. Guilting them into babysitting your kids is just unfair.

WTH? Raising children = babysitting? Some of you really are pathological.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many selfish, cold people responding here. Why many of you had children in the first place is a total mystery. You could have skipped the whole thing and have more money now to spend on you, you, you and your hobbies and your adventures and you, you, you.

To the OP, I don't think you are out of line for feeling this way. I don't think your desires are unreasonable, even if they are not achievable. I hope you can find peace about this.

And The next time I see my parents I'm going to hug them both and say thank you to them yet again for being so loving.

Amen, especially that last sentence...only in my case it's my MIL/FIL. SO GLAD I have them since my side are all selfish bastards like 90% of the posters here.