my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

Do you realize how you sounds? Cold as ice, that's how.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how people are responding to this post. OP, there is nothing wrong with you for wishing your parents were more involved. I grew up with grandparents who attended all my events, vacationed with us, came over a lot etc and am so disappointed my own parents don't have the same interest in my children that their parents had in me. It's okay to wish that and it doesn't mean I need a sitter, or my kids must be bad, or my house messy or any of the other crazy previous posts blaming OP.

FWIW, my mother rips my pics off Facebook and posts them to her own and it drives me up the f'ng wall. Sorry but why should she get to look like the super involved loving grandma when she chooses not to be one? Rant away OP, I feel ya.

This post sooo resonates with me. My first thought was, "Did I write this in my sleep?" I'm only an child. My father died a few years ago and he was the fun loving, adoring, playful grandfather most of us want in our fathers. My mother is still alive and lives in another state than us. She loves her grandkids, is super independent and retired -- she travels to see us once a year, despite the financial ability to travel on weekly basis if she wanted to. I do think it's a combination of her personality and the Baby Boomer generation schtick. I mean, looking back on my childhood, I shouldn't be surprised by the outcome. Like a PP, I practice the mantra of not trying to change others but try to work on myself as much as possible (but deep down I'm still disappointed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...interesting posts on here! I appreciate those who "get it". Here is some more background info that might help complete the picture. Both my parents are in their mid 60's and in good health. My mom was a SAHM until I was in school and then worked 9-3. We were very much a "leave it to beaver" family where my dad went to work, made most decisions and my mom was happy working part time and being a mom.

Hmm are you sure she was genuinely happy with this life? Just because she did it well doesn't mean it was her dream. Expectations and opportunities for women were different 40 years ago than they are today. Maybe she's making up for it now by doing her own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I did have a really nasty reaction to your post. In fact, I closed DCUM in disgust after I read it. Your parents sound like they've got LIVES, and that is just so great. My dad is dead and my mom has dementia now (she's only 70) but they had no friends, no hobbies, no travel, no retirement savings. They were entirely dependent on me and my brothers for support, validation, company, anything. Mostly they just sat and watched TV. They loved us very much. I appreciated them once I stopped trying to change them.

My in-laws are divorced. Neither has a single friend or a hobby in the world. All they do is smoke (MIL), watch TV, buy things off HSN, and wait for us to call with stories about the grand kids. They have no where to go, nothing to do, no interests but us (but they're not the babysitting type)....they like to come over and spend the day just sitting and watching us interact with the toddler. They are sedentary and in bad health. They can't be persuaded to go anywhere or try anything new. If DH doesn't call for a couple of days, they freak out because they have literally nothing else in their lives. Their company is not at all enjoyable but DH feels pressured to have them over often because he has the pretty crushing burden of being their only reason for living. We love them but we don't enjoy them.

I'd trade you any day for healthy, loving parents who have interests, something to discuss, meaningful existences other than TV, and interests other than the minutae of our daily lives.

This is my family too and it's awful. Nothing interesting to discuss and I don't share my news because then that becomes my mom's news that she will share with anyone and everyone. They have ceased to have full and engaging lives and want to usurp ours.

+1

At least my family and DH's family live far away. So I have that going for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

Sure, my spouse and I plan to be each other's life-long support. As to children - I love them. I am sure I will love my grandchildren. But just as now, as a grown-up, I am fine not seeing my parents every day, I will be fine not seeing my grandchildren/grown-up children every day. Would I like to see them on a regular basis? Sure. Would I want to be an unpaid childcare worker for them all the time? Nope.

[Anonymous]

OP, accept your parents as they are. It's sad, but if you want your kids to have (better) relationship with their grandparents, you have to make an effort to take them to your parents' house. Learn from your relationship with your parents and correct it with your kids. One thing for sure. You will be a better grandmother than your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

Sure, my spouse and I plan to be each other's life-long support. As to children - I love them. I am sure I will love my grandchildren. But just as now, as a grown-up, I am fine not seeing my parents every day, I will be fine not seeing my grandchildren/grown-up children every day. Would I like to see them on a regular basis? Sure. Would I want to be an unpaid childcare worker for them all the time? Nope.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

Sure, my spouse and I plan to be each other's life-long support. As to children - I love them. I am sure I will love my grandchildren. But just as now, as a grown-up, I am fine not seeing my parents every day, I will be fine not seeing my grandchildren/grown-up children every day. Would I like to see them on a regular basis? Sure. Would I want to be an unpaid childcare worker for them all the time? Nope.

There is plenty of possibilities between those two options.

[Anonymous]

Anything but babysitting or loaning/giving money I'm up for. Of course, they really want babysitting. Get a babysitter and ask your parents to an orioles game. I'll bet they will go.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I get it--sort of.
My mom, who lives across the country, adores the kids, but she can't really watch them, she's too frail and they're too little She does babysit when she comes to visit for a night--we will put the kids to bed and she will stay home and we go out for a late dinner--she would be capable in an emergency but running after them for a day or night is too much for her. But the desire is there and she's so sad that she's so far away. We Skype, etc, and visit her as much as feasible and vice versa.

My dad and his wife, on the other hand (who also live across the country) are happy to see the kids on their schedule only. THey don't seem to realize the cost and difficulty of all of us traveling to see them frequently--and they travel all around the world (this year, italy, china, all over the us for various things). They are perfectly happy to get a visit from us--as long as we've cleared it way in advance since they do travel a lot--but it would never, ever occur to them to come here specifically to visit us. If my dad has something to do in DC, he will swing by for a night.

DH's parents are not involved either, for other reasons.

so what makes me sad is that my kids don't have a strong relationship with most of their grandparents--and that's how I grew up. 2 were dead before I was born, 1 died w hen I was 4, and the other lived far away and visited only on occasion.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. Our parents are also not the type of grandparents I wish they were. My parents live across the county--retired to the West Coast, and we see them twice a year. They will never move closer.

My in-laws are horrible people. FIL has no interest in meeting our child. MIL is a selfish, nasty, passive aggressive woman who is currently not speaking to my husband.

We spend every holiday alone, it is very depressing.

I feel sad for my son that he won't grow up with a large, loving extended family around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

So just out of curiosity, are there any lifelong relationships that have love and support? I find this view of family as floating islands breaking off of each other with each generation to be depressing and cold. My husband's family is like this and its hard for me to understand why people prefer this over the alternative of loving, warm and supportive across generations. I know that someone will respond about mettlesome mothers, boundaries, etc. but that's not the the same thing and doesn't have to be the case!

I totally agree, PP. I think this is what the OP might be feeling (I know I do!). I feel sad that my mom visits for a couple of hours a month and chooses to spend time with people outside of the family when she does have free time. She loves my children, but it does feel like we are all drifting apart. My kids have absolutely no relationship with my husband's family due to geography/lack of interest. I was so close with my grandparents, so it seems strange that my children will only know this "floating island" kind of family.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents here to six ranging in age 1-15. We love our children dearly, but are enjoying our time as a couple now (lots of traveling). Also, though we love our grandchildren, the younger ones are challenging and we don't offer to babysit. We do enjoy sharing in the older kids' activities when we're around. As for making an effort to visit, we do occasionally, but, frankly, we appreciate our kids coming to see us. We have spent our lives raising our children to be successful contributing members of society. We pay for annual holiday trips, have payed all weddings and education costs and feel this is something you can now do for us, make an effort to call us and visit. The door will always be open to our children, but we are putting ourselves first now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents here to six ranging in age 1-15. We love our children dearly, but are enjoying our time as a couple now (lots of traveling). Also, though we love our grandchildren, the younger ones are challenging and we don't offer to babysit. We do enjoy sharing in the older kids' activities when we're around. As for making an effort to visit, we do occasionally, but, frankly, we appreciate our kids coming to see us. We have spent our lives raising our children to be successful contributing members of society. We pay for annual holiday trips, have payed all weddings and education costs and feel this is something you can now do for us, make an effort to call us and visit. The door will always be open to our children, but we are putting ourselves first now.

This is an interesting perspective, thanks for sharing. May I ask, if you as grandparents chose to retire thousands of miles away from your kids/grandkids, for the weather (and no other reason--no family in the area you retired to), would you still feel the same way? My parents chose to retire to the West Coast and we only see them twice a year. It's hard to go out to see them with young children because of the distance. I feel sad that my kids won't have much of a relationship with their grandparents, especially since we have no local family.