my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!

[Anonymous]

I love my parents... we have always been "close" and they raised us in a very loving family. However, they are very much of the mindset of "we raised you, you are now married and we get to have our own life again". Maybe it is the way baby boomers think but it is really making me very resentful of them. They live 25 minutes away, never offer to babysit or even ask to come visit. When I offer to come to see them, they are always accepting and excited...but when I ask for them to come to our place it is "let me check with your dad" or "I don't know if we can do that"....and babysitting is another story... "As of now we can, but I don't know what to tell you if something else comes up"... I have such a hard time understanding why they aren't begging to see their grandchildren or spend time with them. They love to brag to their friends about how we live so close and how wonderful their grandchildren are... I even just offered a suggestion to go to the beach together (we would even pay for the house) and my mom's response was "I don't know...I want to plan a trip to ...blah blah blah... and I've been talking to your dad about doing..blah..blah..blah..." I just couldn't believe that they wouldn't jump at an offer to spend a week (free) at the beach with their grandchildren.

Because of this, I never ask them for any help and pretty much only see them for special occasions when I make the effort...all despite being 25 minutes away! I honestly believe they are just in a selfish retired me-me-me phase of their life and it isn't anything we have said or done to them... whenever I have made little comments about "most grandparents would be so grateful to live close to their grandchildren" it doesn't seem to phase them because they just keep talking about their own travel and daily plans.

I want to accept this but it is hard and I wish they wanted to spend more time with our family. Just a vent...thanks for listing!

[Anonymous]

Have you tried telling your mom honestly how you feel instead of dropping passive-aggressive comments?

[Anonymous]

My folks were the same way, until they turned 65 and started facing their own mortality. Maybe yours will "grow up" too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents... we have always been "close" and they raised us in a very loving family. However, they are very much of the mindset of "we raised you, you are now married and we get to have our own life again". Maybe it is the way baby boomers think but it is really making me very resentful of them. They live 25 minutes away, never offer to babysit or even ask to come visit. When I offer to come to see them, they are always accepting and excited...but when I ask for them to come to our place it is "let me check with your dad" or "I don't know if we can do that"....and babysitting is another story... "As of now we can, but I don't know what to tell you if something else comes up"... I have such a hard time understanding why they aren't begging to see their grandchildren or spend time with them. They love to brag to their friends about how we live so close and how wonderful their grandchildren are... I even just offered a suggestion to go to the beach together (we would even pay for the house) and my mom's response was "I don't know...I want to plan a trip to ...blah blah blah... and I've been talking to your dad about doing..blah..blah..blah..." I just couldn't believe that they wouldn't jump at an offer to spend a week (free) at the beach with their grandchildren.

Because of this, I never ask them for any help and pretty much only see them for special occasions when I make the effort...all despite being 25 minutes away! I honestly believe they are just in a selfish retired me-me-me phase of their life and it isn't anything we have said or done to them... whenever I have made little comments about "most grandparents would be so grateful to live close to their grandchildren" it doesn't seem to phase them because they just keep talking about their own travel and daily plans.

I want to accept this but it is hard and I wish they wanted to spend more time with our family. Just a vent...thanks for listing!

When you say the bold, do you really mean spend more time or do you really mean babysit/take care of your kids? Are they happy to interact when they know you are going to be the primary caregiver?

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize but you really aren't going to be able to change them. You are going to have to come to terms to this somehow.

I confess that I do understand your parents. I love my children dearly and enjoy raising them, but once they are independent adults, I have no desire to go for round 2 with my grandchildren (while being much older and much less energetic to boot, no less). I would probably enjoy 'me and my husband time' a lot and be iffy on willing to be a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're just pissed that you don't have free babysitting. Are you sure your kids aren't brats? Maybe they reject because you push so hard. Ask less and see if they offer more. You're acting like your kids are the greatest thing since sliced bread and your parents should be falling all over themselves to accept the honor of spending time with them. You assumed how their relationship would be. Ever ask them what role they view themselves taking in their grand kids lives? Clearly it's different than your view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize but you really aren't going to be able to change them. You are going to have to come to terms to this somehow.

I confess that I do understand your parents. I love my children dearly and enjoy raising them, but once they are independent adults, I have no desire to go for round 2 with my grandchildren (while being much older and much less energetic to boot, no less). I would probably enjoy 'me and my husband time' a lot and be iffy on willing to be a babysitter.

Sad. I can't imagine not maintaining a close relationship with my son and his family when he is an adult. My in-laws are so supportive in this way and it's no big surprise that I am actually closer to my MIL than I am to my own mother, who is 65 going on 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're just pissed that you don't have free babysitting. Are you sure your kids aren't brats? Maybe they reject because you push so hard. Ask less and see if they offer more. You're acting like your kids are the greatest thing since sliced bread and your parents should be falling all over themselves to accept the honor of spending time with them. You assumed how their relationship would be. Ever ask them what role they view themselves taking in their grand kids lives? Clearly it's different than your view.

Are you always this nasty, or just on the internet?

[Anonymous]

They should be nice and respectful. Accept or decline invitations, offer dates to get together, etc., they way you would with friends. And make plans for holidays, birthdays, some recitals as they come along as you do with family. That seems a lot more than they're doing but a lot less than you're wishing.

[Anonymous]

<<Maybe it is the way baby boomers think>>

Please don't bash the baby boomers for this. I'm a tale end boomer and already looking forward to grandkids... in a decade or so.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws revolve their life around alcohol. Which would they choose- vodka and beer or their grandchildren? They always choose booze. Drunk grandparents are horrible grandparents so we see them rarely. Your parents sound selfish. You can not change them. Just be the best mom you can be and someday the best grandmother that you can be. I try to do the opposite of all the family members who suck in our family. Just be as loving to your children as you can be as long as you are on the planet.

[Anonymous]

Poor little you. All you want is free childcare, house l meaning, financial help and your mean, selfish , mommy and daddy won't do what you believe you are entitled to. Grow up. They are your kids and you parents are correct.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why some of you are being so hard on the OP. Expecting one's parents, especially retired parents, to drive 25 minutes to visit their kids and grandkids is a far cry from expecting them to take over the daily grind of raising their grandchildren. The reality is that most of us raising young kids, especially with two working parents, are busier than our parents. It is much easier for two self-sufficient adults to drive 25 minutes to see their kids and grandparents than it would be to clear everyone's activity schedules and pack up a young family for the same car ride. Also, while I do think it is unreasonable to expect grandparents to provide primary childcare services (i.e. to act in lieu of daycare or a nanny), I don't think it is unreasonable to wish or even expect that they would babysit occasionally.

OP, is it possible this is more about your mother's basic personality than it is about her placing a low priority on family relations? Does she have a history of anxiety or ADHD-type behavior?

My mother lives a fair distance away so we don't do last-minute visits, but she is great about caring for my kids. When she's with them, she is 100% present. She's actually like that about every single thing in her life. But the flip side of that intensity is poor executive management skills. She is frustratingly hard to pin down to a schedule and she always seems to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated--even by her many personal leisure activities--in part because she has trouble planning beyond whatever she is giving her 100% attention to at any given moment. She was exactly like this when I was a kid: She was always late for pickups and almost always stressed out by busy-ness when she did arrive. Dinner time might be 6 pm or it might be 8:30 pm; she could never really plan or predict and would explode with anxiety if she was trying to prepare a meal to accommodate an immovable evening commitment. Now that I am an adult, my own household is all about moving parts and tight schedules. When my mom is in town, it stresses her out.

In your case, the fact that your mom loves to have you visit but seems overwhelmed by the idea of coming to you tells me this might be anxiety or ADHD rather than disinterest.

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks for the insightful responses. Posting on DCUM I knew I would get the snarky remarks but I know myself and my intentions well enough not to let the nastiness bother me. The truth is I am not looking for free babysitting at all. DH and I work and I have a nanny who watches my kids when I work. We pay her on weekends and even some over night times when DH and I needed our date nights. I think I have asked my parents to babysit 4-6 times in the last 4 years. And, when they have accepted, I usually throw in "I'll cook you dinner" just so it makes it easier on them. I am a very empathetic and accommodating person. I understand that they want their own life and babysitting may not be their top priority. It just makes me sad that I don't have the type of parents who WANT to spend time with their grandchildren as much as I see other grandparents doing. Because they live close, I always get the comment "you are so lucky to have your parents close by so that they can babysit and see your kids all the time". It makes me sad that this isn't the case.

I have said something to my mom one time about her being retired for over a year and not once offering to come over and see us. Her response was "I'll meet you half way at the mall." So, I asked her if she is scared to drive on the beltway because I can give her the back ways to our house too. She said she wasn't scared but thought it would be easier to meet half way. And then went on about having to return something at the mall anyway so it was easy for her. So it goes back to the fact that they will see me and my children when it is easy and fits in their life. I always suck it up and "meet half way" or bring them over to their house. My kids are really well behaved and they love when I bring them to their house. So, this isn't about having misbehaving kids or wanting free babysitting. This was just a way for me to vent and see if there was helpful advice or families who can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<Maybe it is the way baby boomers think>>

Please don't bash the baby boomers for this. I'm a tale end boomer and already looking forward to grandkids... in a decade or so.

Yes, there is at least one poster on DCUM who can't accept that her parents just suck. She has to blame it on an entire generation. Face it, OP, you got a raw deal. It's got nothing to do with what generation your parents belong to.