my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

Just because you capitalize it and make it a statement like a fact, does not make it anything other than an opinion. Its a very COLD and MINIMAL relationship. See what I did there?

No more or less valid than the way that you see this situation. Its very family specific. Not one set of feelings or "rules" applies.

OK, I'll keep value measures out. OP's parents see her children numerous times a year on various occasions, both celebratory and ordinary.

I'm trying to do as she asks - help her accept the fact that she has involved, living grandparents to her children, but that she and her children are not their primary hobbies in retirement.

They also don't share what she considers deep, meaningful conversation.

Love the parents you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. It's a pretty good mantra for every relationship. Love the kids you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. Love the husband you have. Quit feeling resentful because people are not everything you wish them to be. Work on what you can control: yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

Just because you capitalize it and make it a statement like a fact, does not make it anything other than an opinion. Its a very COLD and MINIMAL relationship. See what I did there?


No more or less valid than the way that you see this situation. Its very family specific. Not one set of feelings or "rules" applies.

OK, I'll keep value measures out. OP's parents see her children numerous times a year on various occasions, both celebratory and ordinary.

I'm trying to do as she asks - help her accept the fact that she has involved, living grandparents to her children, but that she and her children are not their primary hobbies in retirement.

They also don't share what she considers deep, meaningful conversation.

Love the parents you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. It's a pretty good mantra for every relationship. Love the kids you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. Love the husband you have. Quit feeling resentful because people are not everything you wish them to be. Work on what you can control: yourself.

OP here... you make a fair point without the nastiness. I get it. like the mantra you said too. Very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

Just because you capitalize it and make it a statement like a fact, does not make it anything other than an opinion. Its a very COLD and MINIMAL relationship. See what I did there?


No more or less valid than the way that you see this situation. Its very family specific. Not one set of feelings or "rules" applies.

OK, I'll keep value measures out. OP's parents see her children numerous times a year on various occasions, both celebratory and ordinary.

I'm trying to do as she asks - help her accept the fact that she has involved, living grandparents to her children, but that she and her children are not their primary hobbies in retirement.

They also don't share what she considers deep, meaningful conversation.

Love the parents you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. It's a pretty good mantra for every relationship. Love the kids you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. Love the husband you have. Quit feeling resentful because people are not everything you wish them to be. Work on what you can control: yourself.

OP here... you make a fair point without the nastiness. I get it. like the mantra you said too. Very true.

OP, I did have a really nasty reaction to your post. In fact, I closed DCUM in disgust after I read it. Your parents sound like they've got LIVES, and that is just so great. My dad is dead and my mom has dementia now (she's only 70) but they had no friends, no hobbies, no travel, no retirement savings. They were entirely dependent on me and my brothers for support, validation, company, anything. Mostly they just sat and watched TV. They loved us very much. I appreciated them once I stopped trying to change them.

My in-laws are divorced. Neither has a single friend or a hobby in the world. All they do is smoke (MIL), watch TV, buy things off HSN, and wait for us to call with stories about the grand kids. They have no where to go, nothing to do, no interests but us (but they're not the babysitting type)....they like to come over and spend the day just sitting and watching us interact with the toddler. They are sedentary and in bad health. They can't be persuaded to go anywhere or try anything new. If DH doesn't call for a couple of days, they freak out because they have literally nothing else in their lives. Their company is not at all enjoyable but DH feels pressured to have them over often because he has the pretty crushing burden of being their only reason for living. We love them but we don't enjoy them.

I'd trade you any day for healthy, loving parents who have interests, something to discuss, meaningful existences other than TV, and interests other than the minutae of our daily lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize but you really aren't going to be able to change them. You are going to have to come to terms to this somehow.

I confess that I do understand your parents. I love my children dearly and enjoy raising them, but once they are independent adults, I have no desire to go for round 2 with my grandchildren (while being much older and much less energetic to boot, no less). I would probably enjoy 'me and my husband time' a lot and be iffy on willing to be a babysitter.

This is SO me and I don't have grandkids, but I do not want to go through it all again as a grandparent. I'll be there plenty but would not appreciate my children getting angry if we didn't want to spend vacations together every year.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to have struck a cord with some posters on here. Point taken we deal with the cards we are dealt and appreciate having good health and family no matter what. It was just a vent after a conversation with my mom when I felt disappointed. Didn't realize it would stir up so many strong feelings on here. The take away for me is I guess what I needed to hear.... thank you for reminding me to love my parents and accept how they choose to live their lives. I will continue to focus on my family and treasure the times my parents choose to spend with us.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say your parents invite you over but won't come to your house or share a beach house with you. Are you messy perhaps? Is your house in need of cleaning? Do you have a chaotic home environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

Just because you capitalize it and make it a statement like a fact, does not make it anything other than an opinion. Its a very COLD and MINIMAL relationship. See what I did there?

No more or less valid than the way that you see this situation. Its very family specific. Not one set of feelings or "rules" applies.

OK, I'll keep value measures out. OP's parents see her children numerous times a year on various occasions, both celebratory and ordinary.

I'm trying to do as she asks - help her accept the fact that she has involved, living grandparents to her children, but that she and her children are not their primary hobbies in retirement.

They also don't share what she considers deep, meaningful conversation.

Love the parents you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. It's a pretty good mantra for every relationship. Love the kids you have, not the ones you feel entitled to. Love the husband you have. Quit feeling resentful because people are not everything you wish them to be. Work on what you can control: yourself.

love X you have (vs one one feels entitled to) doesn't mean being blind to the failing of X.

OP's parents are kinda cold toward OP. sure, it's their right, their job is done, yada yada. but they are basically not reciprocating feelings she has for them, and that would make anyone sad and disappointed. i am not a grandmotherly type at all, and have an interesting career and a lot of interests, but if my kids, even when they are adults, want me, i will be there. not to babby-sit and serve them, but as a company. the relationship OP has with her parents is not balanced, in emotion, effort, time etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to have struck a cord with some posters on here. Point taken we deal with the cards we are dealt and appreciate having good health and family no matter what. It was just a vent after a conversation with my mom when I felt disappointed. Didn't realize it would stir up so many strong feelings on here. The take away for me is I guess what I needed to hear.... thank you for reminding me to love my parents and accept how they choose to live their lives. I will continue to focus on my family and treasure the times my parents choose to spend with us.

You're all right, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I have to laugh at the posts who said it sounds like I want free babysitting. I have explained we have a nanny who we pay for babysitting on a regular basis. This has nothing to do with free babysitting. This is a simple post about my own wishes verses reality of my parents involvement in my and my children's life. The PP who wrote a grieving letter gets it...that is how I feel...like I am seeing my parents in a new light now that I am a parent and I need to just accept it although I wish it were different. The PP's who wrote that my mom may have anxiety may be on to something. My parents never want to have heart felt meaningful conversations...maybe this is part of the big picture and I should try to have an open conversation with them about this.

Pp who wrote about her MIL here. I should also mention that my mom was secretly anxious for years and hid it from me. She was just better at getting up and going places than MIL so I wouldn't have guessed it without her telling me. It's like being a secret drinker or something -- a toxic, hidden secret life. I suffer badly from anxiety now and then myself but I have learned to be up front about it. Anyway, I'm sharing all this with you because sometimes anxious people are very good at hiding that they're anxious. I don't know if that's what's going on with your mom but I was struck by the fact that you told her you thought she might be worried about driving and she said she wasn't. Yeah, maybe she's just a self-centered person but if she were like my mom she would just lie through her teeth about being scared. Anyway, I shouldn't make assumptions about your mom based on mine so take my advice with a grain of salt. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

I can't believe how people are responding to this post. OP, there is nothing wrong with you for wishing your parents were more involved. I grew up with grandparents who attended all my events, vacationed with us, came over a lot etc and am so disappointed my own parents don't have the same interest in my children that their parents had in me. It's okay to wish that and it doesn't mean I need a sitter, or my kids must be bad, or my house messy or any of the other crazy previous posts blaming OP.

FWIW, my mother rips my pics off Facebook and posts them to her own and it drives me up the f'ng wall. Sorry but why should she get to look like the super involved loving grandma when she chooses not to be one? Rant away OP, I feel ya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how people are responding to this post. OP, there is nothing wrong with you for wishing your parents were more involved. I grew up with grandparents who attended all my events, vacationed with us, came over a lot etc and am so disappointed my own parents don't have the same interest in my children that their parents had in me. It's okay to wish that and it doesn't mean I need a sitter, or my kids must be bad, or my house messy or any of the other crazy previous posts blaming OP.

FWIW, my mother rips my pics off Facebook and posts them to her own and it drives me up the f'ng wall. Sorry but why should she get to look like the super involved loving grandma when she chooses not to be one? Rant away OP, I feel ya.

Op here...we could be good friends. You get it. We're on DCUM so I expected some flaming posts...doesn't bother me. I know I have a clean home, well behaved kids and am a pretty easy going, respectable parent. I was reminded that I am lucky to have healthy parents who do have some relationship with my kids. I feel badly for those posters who have alcoholic, abusive, sick, absent parents/grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is super helpful and will go well out of her way to be with the grandkids. My ILs are nice and present when there, but never offer to watch the kids (even after they are fast asleep) and just aren't the step up to the plate kind of people. I wouldn't mind except they caused me extra work when my kids were babies and I had ppd and resented that they didn't even bring their dishes to the kitchen after the dinner I had cooked with a 1 month old in a sling and a 2.5 year old difficult toddler screaming at my leg. Now that my kids are older I am not as angry about it because I'm well-rested, but at the time when I was at wits end I couldn't imagine that they could be so selfish. I don't expect people to do my dishes for me or tidy my house, but if I saw anyone, friend family stranger who was so in need of an extra set of hands I wouldn't just wander into the other room to relax without even offering to help. It's just who I am so I can't fathom people who are so blatantly unhelpful.

Op--you just have to accept who they are and move on. They aren't going to change for you and the sooner you are peace with it, the sooner you will be at peace.

NP here. This thread has been helpful to me in as I have a MIL who has moved to town, will help for emergencies, but really just wants to live her life (IMHO). She makes vague offers of help, but it's usually more trouble than it's worth (always late, needs a lot of direction, etc). This post resonated with me because I was very sick during my second pregnancy, with ER trips and hospital stays. MIL did help watch our older child for a day while I was in the hospital, so I am obviously grateful for that. But after I got out, I was still pretty sick (on bed rest) and DH had to watch the older one on his own. I couldn't believe that MIL never once offered to come over with food or in any other way help out. If my parents lived in my neighborhood, and I got out of the hospital and was 8 mo pregnant on bed rest, I'm sure they would be over with food every day.

After that, I vowed that I would pretty much never ask MIL for help again as to me her actions showed her true colors. Like some of the PPs, I think DH (and I) had high hopes for her as a grandma because she was a very involved mom (homemade Halloween costumes, never missed a game, etc). But the reality is that she feels like she didn't get to make a lot of choices in her life (due to parental pressure, married at a young age, controlling husband, etc). My take on her is that now that she's divorced and moved out of her dreary hometown and to the big city, she's done doing what is expected of her. She does what she wants to do. So, she is a good grandma in that my older child adores her, she brings him presents, etc. But she's definitely not looking for any kind of regular babysitting gig.

She's hard for me to deal with because she is totally passive aggressive and very indirect. E.g., she asks if she can bring something for dinner. I ask if she can bring a veggie. So she brings 2 bags of FROZEN veggies to cook. Uh, OK. She will over to come over "early" for dinner to "help", but is always 30-45 min late so by the time she shows up, I have already cooked dinner with kids around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?

Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.

Do you realize how you sounds? Cold as ice, that's how.

[Anonymous]

OP, haven't read the thread -
- but I think that they were also not the kind of parents you really wanted for yourself.

Seek therapy because your inner child needs to be ok with them more than your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I did have a really nasty reaction to your post. In fact, I closed DCUM in disgust after I read it. Your parents sound like they've got LIVES, and that is just so great. My dad is dead and my mom has dementia now (she's only 70) but they had no friends, no hobbies, no travel, no retirement savings. They were entirely dependent on me and my brothers for support, validation, company, anything. Mostly they just sat and watched TV. They loved us very much. I appreciated them once I stopped trying to change them.

My in-laws are divorced. Neither has a single friend or a hobby in the world. All they do is smoke (MIL), watch TV, buy things off HSN, and wait for us to call with stories about the grand kids. They have no where to go, nothing to do, no interests but us (but they're not the babysitting type)....they like to come over and spend the day just sitting and watching us interact with the toddler. They are sedentary and in bad health. They can't be persuaded to go anywhere or try anything new. If DH doesn't call for a couple of days, they freak out because they have literally nothing else in their lives. Their company is not at all enjoyable but DH feels pressured to have them over often because he has the pretty crushing burden of being their only reason for living. We love them but we don't enjoy them.

I'd trade you any day for healthy, loving parents who have interests, something to discuss, meaningful existences other than TV, and interests other than the minutae of our daily lives.

This is my family too and it's awful. Nothing interesting to discuss and I don't share my news because then that becomes my mom's news that she will share with anyone and everyone. They have ceased to have full and engaging lives and want to usurp ours.