my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: How old are you and how old are your parents? We are older parents and the grandparents were just too old to really get into the kids. At about age 58-65 the parents realize that this is their time to travel, do things, start that hobby and so on. They know that if they wait later, they will not have the energy to enjoy these things that they looked forward to for so long. So while the kids are delightful, other things are calling. Also there is the issue of how you parent and having accidents. Our parents wee really too old to take care of the kids and they did not love when the babysitter came over (because it made them feel old) -- they were old. 70 is old in general no matter how spry they look.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op here...interesting posts on here! I appreciate those who "get it". Here is some more background info that might help complete the picture. Both my parents are in their mid 60's and in good health. My mom was a SAHM until I was in school and then worked 9-3. We were very much a "leave it to beaver" family where my dad went to work, made most decisions and my mom was happy working part time and being a mom. While we were a close and loving family we never had any real deep conversations. Even as adults, our conversations are still so surface level. They come to every birthday and we celebrate some holidays together (not all). My sibling lives less than 2 miles away from them with three kids. Yet still they don't see them a lot either. The bottom line is they love us and their grandchildren and despite being geographically close, they want their own life. I guess I just have to come to terms with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my parents are the same. I am sorry. It sucks. I have kind of accepted it, but I am not happy about it.
Try to talk to them if you can.
I did, but it didn't work. My mom acted all hurt, and my dad blamed me for upsetting her, didn't get anywhere.

Op here...exactly one reason why I haven't brought it up. My mom would get upset and my dad would react the same way as yours. You nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Sympathies OP. I have similar issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written your post. I had a wonderful, close relationship with my grandparents growing up - they always wanted to be us - and I had so hoped that my children would have that. Sadly my Mother runs a one woman PR campaign on Facebook that makes her seem like the perfect grandparent but rarely sees my children. Always an excuse. And she does nothing with her time. I guess she'd rather look like a loving grandparent to her cyber friends than actually be one. So sad.

op here...I literally had to LOL at your post...my mom does the same thing....loves posting pics of grandkids on Facebook....she even takes the pics I post on Facebook of my kids and reports them on her wall as if she was with them when I took the picture!

[Anonymous]

I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written your post. I had a wonderful, close relationship with my grandparents growing up - they always wanted to be us - and I had so hoped that my children would have that. Sadly my Mother runs a one woman PR campaign on Facebook that makes her seem like the perfect grandparent but rarely sees my children. Always an excuse. And she does nothing with her time. I guess she'd rather look like a loving grandparent to her cyber friends than actually be one. So sad.

op here...I literally had to LOL at your post...my mom does the same thing....loves posting pics of grandkids on Facebook....she even takes the pics I post on Facebook of my kids and reports them on her wall as if she was with them when I took the picture!

Now you're just being a jerk, OP. did you not say your mom comes to every birthday? Your mom sees her grand kids often and obviously loves them. She's not an absent grandmother; you just want her to want to spend a lot more time with you. But she is not pretending to be a loving grandmother; she is one. The fact that she posts pics that you took to her wall only means she is excited about sharing beautiful pics of grand kids. You are seriously over thinking and pathologizing very normal grandparent behavior.

[Anonymous]

It's strange that you think you're "so close" and yet you can't have an honest conversation with them (or haven't, anyway). To me, being close with someone means that we can discuss things, even things that might make us feel uncomfortable. Anyway, you should talk with them about this and ask what's going on. Not in an accusing way, just in a curious, wondering what's up with this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

I don't think OP is a brat. I think she wants her grandparents to be more involved, which is fine. I think the larger point is that she hasn't brought this up with them and needs to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

I don't think OP is a brat. I think she wants her grandparents to be more involved, which is fine. I think the larger point is that she hasn't brought this up with them and needs to.

Sorry, meant "the grandparents" not "her grandparents."

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, OP? Certain ages can be draining or boring for people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...interesting posts on here! I appreciate those who "get it". Here is some more background info that might help complete the picture. Both my parents are in their mid 60's and in good health. My mom was a SAHM until I was in school and then worked 9-3. We were very much a "leave it to beaver" family where my dad went to work, made most decisions and my mom was happy working part time and being a mom.[b] While we were a close and loving family we never had any real deep conversations. Even as adults, our conversations are still so surface level. They come to every birthday and we celebrate some holidays together (not all). My sibling lives les[/bs than 2 miles away from them with three kids. Yet still they don't see them a lot either. The bottom line is they love us and their grandchildren and despite being geographically close, they want their own life. I guess I just have to come to terms with it.

See bolded above OP. How can you be close but only have surface level conversations? For some reason, your parents seem to have not fostered true intimacy in your relationships. So it seems you are seeking something you never really had. I have friends I have not seen face to face in years, but they have my heart and we share a real, deep, "close" friendship and love. You need to examine whether or not your family ever shared a real closeness.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I would forget babysitting 100%. You have a nanny, your parents are not interested.

But do continue to invite your parents to things. Birthday parties. Dinners at your house. A nice afternoon at the park. Grandparents' day at the nursery school Take it as it comes and don't let them think you are upset when they turn you down.

And if they do invite you over, accept much of the time, but not to the point of heroism. Don't make a point of it.

It's disappointing, sure, but I tihnk if you limit your expectations to a little bit of a relationship rather than babysitting the dynamic might be helped.

Sadly, I think I agree with a PP about how the grandparents see the kids as weird competition, though. If you do see that, don't let it bite for a nanosecond. Just ignore any weird comments/behaviors. When your mom suggests meeting at the mall, change the subject. don't let your parents change your priorities. And don't let them see you be needy. They seem to like that. But when you see your parents' friends when you are over, don't gloss over the shitty grandparents they are. It seems like your parents like to claim to be great , so embarrass them where it hurts as your revenge. No, not grown up, but advice to just be an angel all the time wouldn't really be feasible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled, completely baffled as to what is wrong with your parents having their own lives. They come to every birthday, they see you at some holidays, and they are delighted to see you at other times when you visit them. That is a LOT.

You sound like an entitled brat who can't believe that your parents' lives don't revolve around you and your kids. They are retired and want to enjoy their own hobbies, travels, and pursuits. I can't fathom what could be wrong with that except that you expect them to consider you and your family one of their main hobbies.

You are all grown up. Their JOBS are done, both with parenting children and in careers. That's a lucky, successful progression of their lives. Now they can enjoy your company occasionally, knowing they raised you and you are independent and flourishing. Please stop feeling entitled to their attention and adoration. You will enjoy their company more when you stop feeling entitled to it.

Just because you capitalize it and make it a statement like a fact, does not make it anything other than an opinion. Its a very COLD and MINIMAL relationship. See what I did there?

No more or less valid than the way that you see this situation. Its very family specific. Not one set of feelings or "rules" applies.

[Anonymous]

Are the non-committal with everything? Are they afraid of making ANY plans? Do they just sit around in the comfort of their home most of the time?