DD doesn't want to be in family portrait

[Anonymous]

The actress Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing said she regretted getting a nose job. After her plastic surgery no one recognized her and she stopped getting roles.

[Anonymous]

Guys, as another "ugly duckling," I think you're putting too much stock in the "you're beautiful the way you are!!" approach. That's what my parents did, and it made me feel worse, because I wasn't blind or stupid. I could see how I looked, and it made me unhappy. Constantly being told "no! You're beautiful" or "it's what's on the inside that counts" just made me feel patronized and alone, because it clearly wasn't true, and I wasn't allowed to talk about how I actually felt or get any help with real solutions to my problem areas. I'm not saying that parents should start leaving brochures for plastic surgeons on their kids beds, but just toeing the party line isn't the answer either. It's a balancing act between acknowledging the realities of your kids appearance, the fact that society (and especially kids) can be cruel and painful to ugly kids (especially girls) AND trying to teach the importance of inner beauty. It's a hard line to walk, and I don't envy OP, but I think it's great that she's trying to really hear what her daughter is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys, as another "ugly duckling," I think you're putting too much stock in the "you're beautiful the way you are!!" approach. That's what my parents did, and it made me feel worse, because I wasn't blind or stupid. I could see how I looked, and it made me unhappy. Constantly being told "no! You're beautiful" or "it's what's on the inside that counts" just made me feel patronized and alone, because it clearly wasn't true, and I wasn't allowed to talk about how I actually felt or get any help with real solutions to my problem areas. I'm not saying that parents should start leaving brochures for plastic surgeons on their kids beds, but just toeing the party line isn't the answer either. It's a balancing act between acknowledging the realities of your kids appearance, the fact that society (and especially kids) can be cruel and painful to ugly kids (especially girls) AND trying to teach the importance of inner beauty. It's a hard line to walk, and I don't envy OP, but I think it's great that she's trying to really hear what her daughter is saying.

Do you want plastic surgery? Did you want it as a chulf?

[Anonymous]

^^ as a child

[Anonymous]

No, not now. Then, maybe. And again, I'm not saying parents should always encourage or entertain a teen's desire for plastic surgery. But 1) every case isn't mine and 2) parents should at least listen without inappropriately dismissing their kid's feelings.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was constantly emotionally attacked by MIL when I first got married (at 21 years old), PLEASE defend your child against the women! I wish I was strong enough to stand up for myself but I was young and taught to be a pleaser. DH didn't defend me. I don't have a relationship with her and DH wonders why....

Love your daughter for who she is and over the next year make a concerted effort to build your relationship with her as she grows into a teenager.

[Anonymous]

My mom and her mom suggested I get a nose job when I was a teenager. I mean, they pushed for it. I was told that all if my features were too big for my face (eyes, lips, nose). And I still am convinced they think I'm ugly- despite the fact that I turn heads on a daily basis. Sure, my nose is a bit ethnic, but I've grown into it and my other features (fuller lips and big eyes are now considered beautiful) . I'm happy. I'm married to one of the most gorgeous men I know. I dated some absolutely hot guys in college and afterward (escaping my Mom did wonders for my ego). Honestly, the best things I did for my self is to get into running, staying well educated, learning how to dress smart and-being happy!! My mom on the other hand has had plastic surgery to fix some "breathing problems" and she is still so hung up on trying to look perfect she's one of the most miserable people I know. If she ever suggests that my DD get a nose job, that would be her last time to see her. I still am so angry about that.

[Anonymous]

^^ pp here. Forgot to mention that my brother was voted best looking in high school. My parents we're so proud of that. More proud of that than all the academic and other social achievements that he or I earned. It's hard growing up as the ugly one. But, you learn to develop your other skills. Please stop focusing on looks with your DD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your answers. DH and I talked about this all weekend. Although it's not happening weekly, over the years yes, people have made comments to other adults right in front of me and in front of DD about her looks. Yes, people have fawned over my other two kids right in front of DD. Other kids have absolutely excluded DD and their parents have just shrugged at me like "Kids. What are you going to do? So fickle!"

DD does have various interests that we help her pursue and we do focus a lot on personality rather than looks in our family. DH and I HAVE spoken strongly with MIL about her comments regarding DD's looks. It's basically a yearly argument.

We spoke with our other two kids and told them we want for our entire immediate family to skip the portrait this summer and why. I am embarrassed to not have thought of this myself - thank you for the idea - when we told DD she was very happy. So happy in fact that she asked if she can still be part of the "cousins picture" that's informally taken on a staircase with all the kids.

Regarding the plastic surgery, DD is beautiful and adorable to us, absolutely. But we can also recognize that she isn't those things to others, and that DD picks up on that. She started asking several years ago, when she first found out what plastic surgery was, if she could get it. We've told her we'll discuss it when she is finished growing, but DH and I have already agreed privately the answer is yes. I won't apologize for this - if we can do something so others can see her the way we do then we will.

Thanks for posting OP! Good luck. She may just need to feel heard by her family in a few of these types of situations to build her self esteem. It may be that once, someone made a comment at this photo tradition and that she hasn't been able to shake it. My husband has been reading a lot of books on thimpact fathers can have on their daughters self esteem. Maybe look into some of those. Her father can really help here....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not now. Then, maybe. And again, I'm not saying parents should always encourage or entertain a teen's desire for plastic surgery. But 1) every case isn't mine and 2) parents should at least listen without inappropriately dismissing their kid's feelings.

This. I do think that it is a bad idea to get cosmetic surgery before a person has finished growing. Proportions can really change, and what is awkward and disproportionate on a child can be perfectly striking on an adult. That said, if a kid knows she's not pretty, telling her she really is does her a disservice. Take her feelings seriously, even as you remind her that she is beautiful to you, that she has other valuable gifts, etc., etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, your poor daughter. Be her advocate and stand up for her. This is traumatizing for her. Say no to the portrait. Your MIL is a selfish f'ing cow.

This. Protect your child.