DD doesn't want to be in family portrait

[Anonymous]

Google ads are really on point tonight. I am seeing one for professional photo editing....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got much bigger problems than the one you're asking.

+1000 Your MIL is a shrew and you participate in the trauma that is perpetrated on your poor daughter. Why haven't you stepped up and defended her all these years. And why is beauty and plastic surgery such a priority? Shame on you and your pathetic MIL. Your poor daughter; sounds like she has no one to turn to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You agree that your daughter should get plastic surgery??? Do you tell her you agree she needs ps?

Jesus, no wonder she is screwed up.

She doesn't, because her daughter is "only 12."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, did she have some sense when she was 4 that she was "unphotogenic". What has been said in front of her to make her think this way? I agree with pp - this seems like the tip of a horrible iceberg for her self-esteem.

Our other two kids are traditionally gorgeous - strangers in the supermarket stop us to suggest we get them into child modeling. So since she was a little girl she's heard "Oh, your son is going to be SUCH a heartbreaker! Gush, gush gush..." and then they turn to her and say "Your dress is adorable!" or "Your hair looks so cute!" and she's not stupid. Kids judge other kids based on looks. Kids pick up on their parents actions and words. I've had other mothers whisper to each other in front of DD "what do you think happened there?" Her brother and sister are invited to a birthday party almost every weekend. DD has gone to three this year. She's smart, she's sweet and kind, has a great sense of humor, all these fabulous attributes. But as time goes by and she gets made fun of (both directly and in subtle ways) and rejected, she is less and less outgoing. It's heartbreaking. Sometimes her sister will be playing outside with her, a neighbor will play with them, then invite my other girl over to her house and if she says "Can my sister come too?" the neighbor will say no. And this is multiple kids in the neighborhood, not just one kid.

What do you say in response to the people who say these things in front of your child?

We say thank you and then something like "We think all our children are beautiful" or "We value what's on the inside of all our kids most of all." It's a very delicate balance - we don't want our kids to feel guilty for being good looking or whatever. When parents at school have made comments in front of DD/me I've gone over to them and very quietly said "She's NOT deaf," to shame them into shutting up which DH has pointed out is not the most productive reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You agree that your daughter should get plastic surgery??? Do you tell her you agree she needs ps?

Jesus, no wonder she is screwed up.

No, we don't tell her we agree - that would be horrible! We say that we love her just the way she is, we think she's adorable. When she pushes it, we say people change as they grow throughout childhood and if at the end of childhood she is still not happy then we can discuss it at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each summer, the extended family gets together. Each year, my MIL insists on a professional family portrait. One of my daughters is ... unphotogenic. We have spent every single summer since she was three with her hysterically crying and screaming that she doesn't want to be in the photo shoot because she hates how she looks. Each year MIL insists she be in it, each year we force her to be in it. Each year my MIL bitches to DH and I about how DD looks terrible and ruined the portrait and have we considered plastic surgery, she's found a great surgeon, etc. MIL also talks to other adults in the family about it. So she wants her to be in the photo but complains she wrecks it.

To be frank, DD wants plastic surgery (but she's 12, so too young), and we understand why. Our genes just didn't mix in the same way for her that they did for our other two kids. The problem is, now DD doesn't even want to go on the family trip which is a week long, solely because of the portrait, even though she loves and misses her cousins and otherwise has a great time. Last year she had an upset stomach the whole night before.

We just got the email from MIL about the dress code for this summer's portrait, and DD has already cried hysterically last night about hating how she looks and not wanting to go at all. She never wants to be in pictures at all and we force her once a year in case she's ever kidnapped and we have to give a picture to police (slightly paranoid, I know). She has felt this way since she was about 4.

Is there any solution to this we haven't seen? It hurts me to see my daughter so miserable.

You are aiding and abetting your MIL's cruelty to your daughter. This stress and torment is so strong that your child has gotten physically sick from the tension and you still cave to your MIL's unreasonable demand that your daughter go through with such a photo so that her grandmother can then insult her to her extended family?

The easy solution is to take out your cell phone, and snap a few photos of your child in private the day before you go on the trip. Put those photos into a private album on your phone and leave them. Then make arrangements for something enjoyable and stress-free for your daughter to do while the rest of you are at the family photo. If your MIL makes a stink about your daughter not being in the photo, you just respond, "Why would I subject Sally to your photos just for you to criticize how she looks and make her feel bad. She knows and hears what you say about her and I'm not going to subject her to that. She's at the library and we'll pick her up after the photo session."

We say thank you and then something like "We think all our children are beautiful" or "We value what's on the inside of all our kids most of all." It's a very delicate balance - we don't want our kids to feel guilty for being good looking or whatever. When parents at school have made comments in front of DD/me I've gone over to them and very quietly said "She's NOT deaf," to shame them into shutting up which DH has pointed out is not the most productive reaction.

Be careful. The message you could be conveying is that you agree that your daughter is unattractive and not in the same league as her siblings. Your first statement is better.

Another good one "All my children are beautiful to me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You agree that your daughter should get plastic surgery??? Do you tell her you agree she needs ps?

Jesus, no wonder she is screwed up.

No, we don't tell her we agree - that would be horrible! We say that we love her just the way she is, we think she's adorable. When she pushes it, we say people change as they grow throughout childhood and if at the end of childhood she is still not happy then we can discuss it at that point.

tl;dr: "your time for plastic surgery will come, you're only 12."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You agree that your daughter should get plastic surgery??? Do you tell her you agree she needs ps?

Jesus, no wonder she is screwed up.

No, we don't tell her we agree - that would be horrible! We say that we love her just the way she is, we think she's adorable. When she pushes it, we say people change as they grow throughout childhood and if at the end of childhood she is still not happy then we can discuss it at that point.

Wrong answer! Better to say, "no way! You're beautiful just the way you are! No way would we pay to have your beautiful face cut up!"

Do you live in la or somewhere like that?

[Anonymous]

We wouldn't go on the vacation. End. Of. Story.

[Anonymous]

Why would you put your child through this? I would take her out for ice cream during the portrait. I would plan a special day with her. I would do anything but put her through an experience calculated to hurt her feelings. Step up, Mama Bear.

[Anonymous]

Get a really good family therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trollicious. Valiant effort.

Agee. Or the worst example of parenting and family dynamics possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We wouldn't go on the vacation. End. Of. Story.

And you probably would've stopped after the first year the grandmother demanded it. Why? Because you value your child's self esteem more than how she looks and would protect her from emotional a users.

[Anonymous]

Why hasn't your husband told his mother to stfu. I would refuse to go to the reunion of allow any of my kids there. I would have no contact with MIL. You can see other family members at different times. What kind of mother would tell her son and his wife that their 12 yr old kid is ugly and needs plastic surgery. Your family needs to opt out. You need to get therapy for your DD and probably therapy for you and your husband too to figure out how you can help DD and why you allowed a woman to attack DD for her whole life.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are just unattractive.

The "random strangers tell my kid to be a model". You still buy into that OP? Get a clue, people say it but they don't mean it, and they say it all the time.

Skip the vacation tis year. Do something else.