DD doesn't want to be in family portrait

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't your husband told his mother to stfu. I would refuse to go to the reunion of allow any of my kids there. I would have no contact with MIL. You can see other family members at different times. What kind of mother would tell her son and his wife that their 12 yr old kid is ugly and needs plastic surgery. Your family needs to opt out. You need to get therapy for your DD and probably therapy for you and your husband too to figure out how you can help DD and why you allowed a woman to attack DD for her whole life.

He has told her to stop, as have his sister and BILs. She has some weird hangup about pictures - she never mentions DD's looks in any context except this one. She includes DD in any activities that involve all the other girl cousins and never says a word about her looks then. It's only around the yearly family portrait.
We have talked about not going. However, it is the only time we get to see many of the family members (some of whom are in different countries) but more importantly DD wants to go. She has a fantastic week except for this three hour block of time. We've floated the idea of going on a different trip with just our immediate family by DD who always insists she wants to go. This is why we're stuck.

In your very first post you said she cried hysterically last night because she doesn't want to go. At best, you're a troll. At worst, you're a terrible mother.

[Anonymous]

Don't feed the troll people...jesus...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't feed the troll people...jesus...

I hope it's a troll. Unfortunately she sounds like someone I knew growing up and she was a vile, evil person. Never could take any responsibility for things, would force her kids into situations her kid hated, over all very sad. Point being, I know people like OP exist so while I hope this is a troll, I don't think it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't your husband told his mother to stfu. I would refuse to go to the reunion of allow any of my kids there. I would have no contact with MIL. You can see other family members at different times. What kind of mother would tell her son and his wife that their 12 yr old kid is ugly and needs plastic surgery. Your family needs to opt out. You need to get therapy for your DD and probably therapy for you and your husband too to figure out how you can help DD and why you allowed a woman to attack DD for her whole life.

He has told her to stop, as have his sister and BILs. She has some weird hangup about pictures - she never mentions DD's looks in any context except this one. She includes DD in any activities that involve all the other girl cousins and never says a word about her looks then. It's only around the yearly family portrait.
We have talked about not going. However, it is the only time we get to see many of the family members (some of whom are in different countries) but more importantly DD wants to go. She has a fantastic week except for this three hour block of time. We've floated the idea of going on a different trip with just our immediate family by DD who always insists she wants to go. This is why we're stuck.

In your very first post you said she cried hysterically last night because she doesn't want to go. At best, you're a troll. At worst, you're a terrible mother.

Yes, she doesn't want to go to the photo shoot. She wants to spend the week with family. DD is 12 - she gets dramatic, that's how many girls are at her age. So yes, she's blown not wanting to be in the picture up into not wanting to go on vacation at all. We are trying to parse out which parts are true feelings and which are dramatic statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't your husband told his mother to stfu. I would refuse to go to the reunion of allow any of my kids there. I would have no contact with MIL. You can see other family members at different times. What kind of mother would tell her son and his wife that their 12 yr old kid is ugly and needs plastic surgery. Your family needs to opt out. You need to get therapy for your DD and probably therapy for you and your husband too to figure out how you can help DD and why you allowed a woman to attack DD for her whole life.

He has told her to stop, as have his sister and BILs. She has some weird hangup about pictures - she never mentions DD's looks in any context except this one. She includes DD in any activities that involve all the other girl cousins and never says a word about her looks then. It's only around the yearly family portrait.
We have talked about not going. However, it is the only time we get to see many of the family members (some of whom are in different countries) but more importantly DD wants to go. She has a fantastic week except for this three hour block of time. We've floated the idea of going on a different trip with just our immediate family by DD who always insists she wants to go. This is why we're stuck.

In your very first post you said she cried hysterically last night because she doesn't want to go. At best, you're a troll. At worst, you're a terrible mother.

Yes, she doesn't want to go to the photo shoot. She wants to spend the week with family. DD is 12 - she gets dramatic, that's how many girls are at her age. So yes, she's blown not wanting to be in the picture up into not wanting to go on vacation at all. We are trying to parse out which parts are true feelings and which are dramatic statements.

Tell her that your family will go on the vacation and she will be allowed to skip the family photo and do something she wants to do at that time. Then see her reaction. If her reactions are tied to that photo and the stress involved, you'll see the reaction (most times immediately, but it may take a while to sink in so give her a day or so for it to sink in and get your reaction). If she's still resistent to the vacation, then there may be other issues affecting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't your husband told his mother to stfu. I would refuse to go to the reunion of allow any of my kids there. I would have no contact with MIL. You can see other family members at different times. What kind of mother would tell her son and his wife that their 12 yr old kid is ugly and needs plastic surgery. Your family needs to opt out. You need to get therapy for your DD and probably therapy for you and your husband too to figure out how you can help DD and why you allowed a woman to attack DD for her whole life.

He has told her to stop, as have his sister and BILs. She has some weird hangup about pictures - she never mentions DD's looks in any context except this one. She includes DD in any activities that involve all the other girl cousins and never says a word about her looks then. It's only around the yearly family portrait.
We have talked about not going. However, it is the only time we get to see many of the family members (some of whom are in different countries) but more importantly DD wants to go. She has a fantastic week except for this three hour block of time. We've floated the idea of going on a different trip with just our immediate family by DD who always insists she wants to go. This is why we're stuck.

In your very first post you said she cried hysterically last night because she doesn't want to go. At best, you're a troll. At worst, you're a terrible mother.

Yes, she doesn't want to go to the photo shoot. She wants to spend the week with family. DD is 12 - she gets dramatic, that's how many girls are at her age. So yes, she's blown not wanting to be in the picture up into not wanting to go on vacation at all. We are trying to parse out which parts are true feelings and which are dramatic statements.

Tell her that your family will go on the vacation and she will be allowed to skip the family photo and do something she wants to do at that time. Then see her reaction. If her reactions are tied to that photo and the stress involved, you'll see the reaction (most times immediately, but it may take a while to sink in so give her a day or so for it to sink in and get your reaction). If she's still resistent to the vacation, then there may be other issues affecting her.

Agree with this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each summer, the extended family gets together. Each year, my MIL insists on a professional family portrait. One of my daughters is ... unphotogenic. We have spent every single summer since she was three with her hysterically crying and screaming that she doesn't want to be in the photo shoot because she hates how she looks. Each year MIL insists she be in it, each year we force her to be in it. Each year my MIL bitches to DH and I about how DD looks terrible and ruined the portrait and have we considered plastic surgery, she's found a great surgeon, etc. MIL also talks to other adults in the family about it. So she wants her to be in the photo but complains she wrecks it.

To be frank, DD wants plastic surgery (but she's 12, so too young), and we understand why. Our genes just didn't mix in the same way for her that they did for our other two kids. The problem is, now DD doesn't even want to go on the family trip which is a week long, solely because of the portrait, even though she loves and misses her cousins and otherwise has a great time. Last year she had an upset stomach the whole night before.

We just got the email from MIL about the dress code for this summer's portrait, and DD has already cried hysterically last night about hating how she looks and not wanting to go at all. She never wants to be in pictures at all and we force her once a year in case she's ever kidnapped and we have to give a picture to police (slightly paranoid, I know). She has felt this way since she was about 4.

Is there any solution to this we haven't seen? It hurts me to see my daughter so miserable.

Emphasis mine.

You and your husband need to put your foot down and respect your daughter's wish not to be photographed in the family portrait (the once-a-year photo in the evenience of a kidnapping is another kettle of fish altogether. Kudos for doing it, seriously. Pheraps you can reason with her about the pic's purpose - I think she's old enough for that - and assure that the pic will never ever be seen by anyone but Mum and Dad unless you need to show it to a police officer?) . Also, you both need to read your MIL the riot act concerning her harping your family re. your daughter's looks and plastic surgery. Look at what she's doing to your child! Your daughter wants plastic surgery! At 12! And she wants to forfeit her family vacation because of the cruel, sorry excuse for a Grandma that fate dealt her.

I think that, for your daughter's wellbeing, therapy should be considered. And that both you and your husband need to stand up to MIL when she starts on your kid's looks and tell her: "This kind of talk is unacceptable. It is cruel and it hurts Daughter. Stop it." Every. single. time. If Grandma Hell-on-Wheels doesn't get a clue in a reasonable amount of time, then reducing or cutting contact is in order, in my book.

Your poor daughter. Give her a hug from me.

[Anonymous]

Your entire family skips the photo, not just your daughter. Honestly nobody needs an annual photo of everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your entire family skips the photo, not just your daughter. Honestly nobody needs an annual photo of everybody.

This. On the off chance this isn't a troll. Telling her she can skip it sends the message that you agree she's too ugly for the picture. The entire extended family will be in the photo without her?? No. Iour immediate family all sits out.

But seriously you all sound pretty terrible. The first time MIL brought up her looks I would have told her I was cutting off contact if she ever said that again. Instead you let your daughter think she needs plastic surgery?? What is wrong with you!

[Anonymous]

I really hope this is BS. If it isn't...what a bunch of shallow people who clearly need therapy. Your are feeding your daughter's complex, without question. Poor girl.

[Anonymous]

If this story is real I'm willing to adopt your daughter... things can't be worse for her here than they are there.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe the op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your entire family skips the photo, not just your daughter. Honestly nobody needs an annual photo of everybody.

+1000

[Anonymous]

This is one of the more depressing things I've read on here. You agree your daughter is not as beautiful as her siblings, and you've let HER KNOW for her entire life that you know this to be true with every little interaction you've had. The ground work has been laid for 12 years. You've set her up for a lifetime of horrid self esteem. Perhaps a family counselor could help un-do some of this, but I'm doubtful. Your poor daughter. She's needed a mother who thought she was just as beautiful as her sister no matter what. Instead she got one who discusses when she can get plastic surgery with her.

Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Troll