How Do I Trust that DH Did Not Have an Affair?

[Anonymous]

PP, mood disorders are mental health issues. What kind of dramatic behavior do you engage in when your heart "hurts?" If you and your DH are a "team" why don't you join him on his overseas assignments. I know a lot of Foreign Service and military spouses who are able to "take one for the team" so to speak, and they end up with a pretty good life. It is very difficult when one partner always wants things her way and views the marriage as a series of quid pro quos. If that is the way you view things, then your DH is better off with a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the rest of the thread. Demand all his passwords to accounts he had access to over there. Money, email, everything. If he doesn't hand them over, that would be it for me.

No snark, but y ou really should read the rest of the thread before you give advice on this point. OP has added further info and it may change your advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the rest of the thread. Demand all his passwords to accounts he had access to over there. Money, email, everything. If he doesn't hand them over, that would be it for me.

And OP should have to do the same for the time she has been in the U.S. without DH. Perhaps she is the one who has been cheating and is projecting her behavior onto her DH.

[Anonymous]

I'm all aboard the OP is out of touch with reality train...but at the same time, this man chose to leave his family for years on end to pursue his work. He's making a good salary, but probably one that can be equaled in the states or in the same city as his wife and child.

He is not in the military and he is not a contractor making a shit-ton of money. Families of those people make incredible sacrifices in their families for the greater good (or in some cases, b/c the money justifies the sacrifices for their family). Sorry, but I think pursuing a decent job overseas for years when you have a school-age child back home is being selfish. Maybe if it was necessary for career advancement and both spouses were in agreement...but that is not the case here.

Anyway, OP, this is not a healthy marriage or a happy family. Why would you expect your DH to return from overseas b/c you had a very bad case of strep throat? What if you were single? You would manage. But most importantly and separate from your marital issues, how is your child handling the situation? Is your home a happy place with just you two? I cannot imagine this is good for anyone.

If you want to divorce but money is holding you back, at least meet with an attorney. You work and that is just a lame excuse to stay stuck in a horrible situation (for everyone involved).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, that half needs to keep away from my DH and he from them if he wants to keep me.

Let me get this straight:

1. you have been married for many years, but have always been jealous.
2. early in your marriage, he took a business trip and one of the people on that trip was a woman.
3. he did not tell you that this woman was going because he did not want to make you insanely jealous.
4. he has taken several overseas assignments that were multiple years long.
5. you are unwilling to accompany him on these assignments because you would have to quit your job and remove your child from school.
6. he has refused to look for other work.
7. when you visited during one of his long overseas assignments, he introduced you to his friends and coworkers, half of whom were female, and kissed them on the cheek in greeting.
8. one of these friends invited you to her home for dinner with her daughter, and you are suspicious because she and her daughter are attractive.
9. he took you to a fashion show, where there were women present (because so many men attend fashion shows) and you left in a huff because he was talking to the people standing next to him while he was buying you a drink.
10. you have demanded that he stop being friends with anyone female, and he has refused to acquiesce.

Does that about cover it?

It sounds to me like what we have here is the story of a man who works internationally who is married to someone who refuses to participate in married life with him for periods of many months (if not years) at a time, who is perfectly okay with saying "You should quit your job but I refuse to quit mine" and who is telling him who he is and is not allowed to be friends with, while also accusing him of having an affair and then saying she does not believe him when he denies it.

Outstanding summary PP! OP, you are uncompromising and jealous. There are schools overseas. Your DH wants adventure and excitement and not the monotony of DC for the rest of his life. Another reason DH leaves for long assignmnets is to get away from you. Your insane jealousy is driving him away. He will end up cheating with someone who treats him well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, that half needs to keep away from my DH and he from them if he wants to keep me.

Let me get this straight:

1. you have been married for many years, but have always been jealous.
2. early in your marriage, he took a business trip and one of the people on that trip was a woman.
3. he did not tell you that this woman was going because he did not want to make you insanely jealous.
4. he has taken several overseas assignments that were multiple years long.
5. you are unwilling to accompany him on these assignments because you would have to quit your job and remove your child from school.
6. he has refused to look for other work.
7. when you visited during one of his long overseas assignments, he introduced you to his friends and coworkers, half of whom were female, and kissed them on the cheek in greeting.
8. one of these friends invited you to her home for dinner with her daughter, and you are suspicious because she and her daughter are attractive.
9. he took you to a fashion show, where there were women present (because so many men attend fashion shows) and you left in a huff because he was talking to the people standing next to him while he was buying you a drink.
10. you have demanded that he stop being friends with anyone female, and he has refused to acquiesce.

Does that about cover it?

It sounds to me like what we have here is the story of a man who works internationally who is married to someone who refuses to participate in married life with him for periods of many months (if not years) at a time, who is perfectly okay with saying "You should quit your job but I refuse to quit mine" and who is telling him who he is and is not allowed to be friends with, while also accusing him of having an affair and then saying she does not believe him when he denies it.

Outstanding summary PP! OP, you are uncompromising and jealous. There are schools overseas. Your DH wants adventure and excitement and not the monotony of DC for the rest of his life. Another reason DH leaves for long assignmnets is to get away from you. Your insane jealousy is driving him away. He will end up cheating with someone who treats him well.

Well, we all want adventure and excitement, but we can get it on vacation or some other outlet, not by leaving our family for years at a time. My DH had this long term dream of bicycling across the U.S., but I talked him out of it long ago. "When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Cor. xiii. 11.

[Anonymous]

I understand if the DH needs to get away from his unhappy marriage, but that's not a good enough reason to spend 3+ years away from your child.

[Anonymous]

OK, so DW has made the home life unbearable for the DH and he needs to stick around for the "child." Who is to say he is not involved. I have Foreign Service friends who are divorced and they manage to have a relationship with their children. It may not be the every other weekend type of thing, etc. Usually, the non-custodial parent has the kids all summer and on school breaks, the kids get a great inter-cultural experience, work overseas (teens) and still get to see their Mom or Dad. People make it work.

[Anonymous]

When he's making love to you, do you think he's fantasizing about another woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He introduced me to two of his women friends from the assignment - a mother - daughter pair. Mother is slightly older than me - she is 46, redhead (like), tall slender - and her daughter is gorgeous 24 and blonde. Wouldn't his make you suspicious?

You think the daughter is his?

[Anonymous]

No. That means my DH would have had to have been having an affair for 24 years. He has only known these two women for 2 - 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. That means my DH would have had to have been having an affair for 24 years. He has only known these two women for 2 - 3 years.

I was joking OP. I don't think a mother -daughter family is threatening.
On a serious note: you seem to be married to a man who enjoys women's attention. I am familiar with this type and in my experience men like this flirt all the time, but rarely cheat. It can be exhausting to live with them, but you probably have nothing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, that half needs to keep away from my DH and he from them if he wants to keep me.

Let me get this straight:

1. you have been married for many years, but have always been jealous.
2. early in your marriage, he took a business trip and one of the people on that trip was a woman.
3. he did not tell you that this woman was going because he did not want to make you insanely jealous.
4. he has taken several overseas assignments that were multiple years long.
5. you are unwilling to accompany him on these assignments because you would have to quit your job and remove your child from school.
6. he has refused to look for other work.
7. when you visited during one of his long overseas assignments, he introduced you to his friends and coworkers, half of whom were female, and kissed them on the cheek in greeting.
8. one of these friends invited you to her home for dinner with her daughter, and you are suspicious because she and her daughter are attractive.
9. he took you to a fashion show, where there were women present (because so many men attend fashion shows) and you left in a huff because he was talking to the people standing next to him while he was buying you a drink.
10. you have demanded that he stop being friends with anyone female, and he has refused to acquiesce.

Does that about cover it?

It sounds to me like what we have here is the story of a man who works internationally who is married to someone who refuses to participate in married life with him for periods of many months (if not years) at a time, who is perfectly okay with saying "You should quit your job but I refuse to quit mine" and who is telling him who he is and is not allowed to be friends with, while also accusing him of having an affair and then saying she does not believe him when he denies it.

Outstanding summary PP! OP, you are uncompromising and jealous. There are schools overseas. Your DH wants adventure and excitement and not the monotony of DC for the rest of his life. Another reason DH leaves for long assignmnets is to get away from you. Your insane jealousy is driving him away. He will end up cheating with someone who treats him well.

Well, we all want adventure and excitement, but we can get it on vacation or some other outlet, not by leaving our family for years at a time. My DH had this long term dream of bicycling across the U.S., but I talked him out of it long ago. "When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Cor. xiii. 11.

"When I was child, I loved life. Then I married a woman who stole my dreams."
- from the "Don't quote the bible to suit your own needs" handbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, that half needs to keep away from my DH and he from them if he wants to keep me.

Let me get this straight:

1. you have been married for many years, but have always been jealous.
2. early in your marriage, he took a business trip and one of the people on that trip was a woman.
3. he did not tell you that this woman was going because he did not want to make you insanely jealous.
4. he has taken several overseas assignments that were multiple years long.
5. you are unwilling to accompany him on these assignments because you would have to quit your job and remove your child from school.
6. he has refused to look for other work.
7. when you visited during one of his long overseas assignments, he introduced you to his friends and coworkers, half of whom were female, and kissed them on the cheek in greeting.
8. one of these friends invited you to her home for dinner with her daughter, and you are suspicious because she and her daughter are attractive.
9. he took you to a fashion show, where there were women present (because so many men attend fashion shows) and you left in a huff because he was talking to the people standing next to him while he was buying you a drink.
10. you have demanded that he stop being friends with anyone female, and he has refused to acquiesce.

Does that about cover it?

It sounds to me like what we have here is the story of a man who works internationally who is married to someone who refuses to participate in married life with him for periods of many months (if not years) at a time, who is perfectly okay with saying "You should quit your job but I refuse to quit mine" and who is telling him who he is and is not allowed to be friends with, while also accusing him of having an affair and then saying she does not believe him when he denies it.

Outstanding summary PP! OP, you are uncompromising and jealous. There are schools overseas. Your DH wants adventure and excitement and not the monotony of DC for the rest of his life. Another reason DH leaves for long assignmnets is to get away from you. Your insane jealousy is driving him away. He will end up cheating with someone who treats him well.

Well, we all want adventure and excitement, but we can get it on vacation or some other outlet, not by leaving our family for years at a time. My DH had this long term dream of bicycling across the U.S., but I talked him out of it long ago. "When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Cor. xiii. 11.

"When I was child, I loved life. Then I married a woman who stole my dreams."
- from the "Don't quote the bible to suit your own needs" handbook.

+1 LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, that half needs to keep away from my DH and he from them if he wants to keep me.

Let me get this straight:

1. you have been married for many years, but have always been jealous.
2. early in your marriage, he took a business trip and one of the people on that trip was a woman.
3. he did not tell you that this woman was going because he did not want to make you insanely jealous.
4. he has taken several overseas assignments that were multiple years long.
5. you are unwilling to accompany him on these assignments because you would have to quit your job and remove your child from school.
6. he has refused to look for other work.
7. when you visited during one of his long overseas assignments, he introduced you to his friends and coworkers, half of whom were female, and kissed them on the cheek in greeting.
8. one of these friends invited you to her home for dinner with her daughter, and you are suspicious because she and her daughter are attractive.
9. he took you to a fashion show, where there were women present (because so many men attend fashion shows) and you left in a huff because he was talking to the people standing next to him while he was buying you a drink.
10. you have demanded that he stop being friends with anyone female, and he has refused to acquiesce.

Does that about cover it?

It sounds to me like what we have here is the story of a man who works internationally who is married to someone who refuses to participate in married life with him for periods of many months (if not years) at a time, who is perfectly okay with saying "You should quit your job but I refuse to quit mine" and who is telling him who he is and is not allowed to be friends with, while also accusing him of having an affair and then saying she does not believe him when he denies it.

Outstanding summary PP! OP, you are uncompromising and jealous. There are schools overseas. Your DH wants adventure and excitement and not the monotony of DC for the rest of his life. Another reason DH leaves for long assignmnets is to get away from you. Your insane jealousy is driving him away. He will end up cheating with someone who treats him well.

Well, we all want adventure and excitement, but we can get it on vacation or some other outlet, not by leaving our family for years at a time. My DH had this long term dream of bicycling across the U.S., but I talked him out of it long ago. "When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Cor. xiii. 11.

"When I was child, I loved life. Then I married a woman who stole my dreams."
- from the "Don't quote the bible to suit your own needs" handbook.

Or maybe he married the woman of his dreams and she turned out to be a nightmare!