How Do I Trust that DH Did Not Have an Affair?

[Anonymous]

My DH went on a long-term assignment for the Government overseas. I did not go with him because of my career and work here and our DC's school. I did visit DH several times and each time I was there we would go out and he would know all manner of women. We would be in a bar or restaurant and some woman would come up to him, say hello, kiss him on the cheeks, etc. Needless to say, I was feeling very jealous. One of the women he introduced me to said she did not know my DH was married. Now, DH says that nothing sexual ever happened between him and any woman while he was overseas. I do not believe him. I don't know what to do, because it is just eating inside at me that he has not been faithful to me. Should I get a divorce? Can I prove he had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Well, for starters, I assume that your husband went to Europe on assignment. Cheek-kissing is a very common and acceptable way of greeting in many Western European cultures.

Second of all, it's possible that your DH simply was not socializing with the woman who did not know he was married. Some people do not discuss their personal lives with their coworkers. I don't talk about my family or personal life at work very often. There are people in my office who I do not work with frequently who do not know that I have a child at all.

As for your insecurity, I don't know what you want from your husband. You did not go with him. He says that nothing sexual happened with him or anyone. You don't believe him, for reasons that you do not list. So far, it sounds like he's done nothing other than be greeted in a culturally appropriate way by female acquaintances, at least one of whom did not know that he was married.

If you get a divorce based on this, you're an idiot. Please seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Cheek kissing is also the common greeting in South America.

But yes, agree with pp. You need individual counseling. The fact that you're considering divorce because of the cheek kissing and one woman not knowing your husband is married makes you sound unhinged and in need of therapy

[Anonymous]

Needless to say, I was feeling very jealous.

I would not feel jealous in this situation at all. Plus one on the individual counseling. You have trust issues, big time.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that individual counseling is the best idea. However, I am a woman who trusted her husband implicitly and he did have an affair while working on assignment. Your husband is unlikely to admit to an affair, and you'll never have proof -- so you need to decide whether you can trust him. Perhaps some couples therapy would help. I don't want to add to your misery, but if your gut doesn't trust him -- there may be a reason.

That being said, if he was fooling around -- the women would probably not have felt comfortable coming up and introducing themselves to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know. It just seems everywhere he went there was some attractive woman or group of women always there to talk to to him. He took me to a fashion show and I just had to leave because he was chatting up the women at the bar while waiting in line to get us drinks.

Once, in the past, he went on a business trip with a female colleague and didn't tell me she was coming too. I was insanely pissed.

The woman who told me she didn't know he was married was the fiancee of one of his co-workers. We met at a bar, and he knew all the women there too. WTH? Why was he going to bars so much if not to hook up with other women. He never went out when he was home.

[Anonymous]

If all you have is him having lots of women friends...you have nothing. Trust your husband. If he cheated, the information will come out when it is supposed to, but it doesn't sound like he did. He might go out more when overseas because he doesn't have a kid and wife to come home to. I know I would go out a lot more if I didn't have a kid to get home to.

Also, sounds more like you are insecure. So tell him what you are feeling and ask him to show up for you in the ways you need to feel more secure.

Also agree with counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't know. It just seems everywhere he went there was some attractive woman or group of women always there to talk to to him. He took me to a fashion show and I just had to leave because he was chatting up the women at the bar while waiting in line to get us drinks.

Once, in the past, he went on a business trip with a female colleague and didn't tell me she was coming too. I was insanely pissed.

The woman who told me she didn't know he was married was the fiancee of one of his co-workers. We met at a bar, and he knew all the women there too. WTH? Why was he going to bars so much if not to hook up with other women. He never went out when he was home.

OP, here's the thing. Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings at all? When he was gone and you were not there, did you talk to him about what his life was like overseas? Maybe he took you to a fashion show because he thought you would be excited to attend one. Maybe like PP says he is going out to experience the culture where he lives because there is nothing for him to come home to.

It also seems to me that you have been very quick to notice every female interaction he has, but you do not mention any men. Is that because he's not hanging out with any men, or because you only care about his relationships with women?

[Anonymous]

There is so much here to comment on, but I agree that OP should go to counseling.

Out of all you mentioned, the ONLY thing that would annoy me is the not telling me about the colleague going. If me or my DH was on assignment overseas without family, there is no way I would expect him to just be hanging out in his apartment every night. I would expect him to go out and enjoy the culture. Secondly, if he was banging chicks that he picked up in bars, would he be stupid enough to bring his wife to the same bars? Only you can asnwer that.

[Anonymous]

If he was having affairs, why would he take you to places where people know him? He could just pick places where no one knew him and therefore not raise suspicion. You are reading too much into some cultural differences, I think.

[Anonymous]

I would never cheat on my wife, but if I am on assignment for a few months I would certainly go out and meet other people. Just to hang out with and talk, nothing more.

[Anonymous]

OP- you have trust and anger issues, not your husband. Unless you have a legit reason to not trust him- and the examples you cited are not legit IMO- get your head out of your ass, fix yourself, or you'll lose your marriage. You sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH went on a long-term assignment for the Government overseas. I did not go with him because of my career and work here and our DC's school. I did visit DH several times and each time I was there we would go out and he would know all manner of women. We would be in a bar or restaurant and some woman would come up to him, say hello, kiss him on the cheeks, etc. Needless to say, I was feeling very jealous. One of the women he introduced me to said she did not know my DH was married. Now, DH says that nothing sexual ever happened between him and any woman while he was overseas. I do not believe him. I don't know what to do, because it is just eating inside at me that he has not been faithful to me. Should I get a divorce? Can I prove he had an affair?

Yes, please get a divorce. No man should have to be subjected to this level of crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much here to comment on, but I agree that OP should go to counseling.

Out of all you mentioned, the ONLY thing that would annoy me is the not telling me about the colleague going. If me or my DH was on assignment overseas without family, there is no way I would expect him to just be hanging out in his apartment every night. I would expect him to go out and enjoy the culture. Secondly, if he was banging chicks that he picked up in bars, would he be stupid enough to bring his wife to the same bars? Only you can asnwer that.

That was very very early on in our marriage. He said he did not tell she was going because he knew I would be jealous.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are irrationally jealous. It may have been slightly wrong for your husband to not disclose that he was going on a business trip with a female colleague, but your reaction when you found out basically justifies his silence. This is not Saudi Arabia. Men and women work together. There is nothing wrong with taking business trips with colleagues of the opposite sex. Of course your husband goes out to bars when he is on assignment - he doesn't have you to come home to. He certainly wouldn't take his wife out to the bars if he was trolling women there regularly.

Stop being such an insane, insecure person. Get therapy.