How Do I Trust that DH Did Not Have an Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, please get a divorce. No man should have to be subjected to this level of crazy.

LMAO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His assignment was three years. He had his own apartment. He has always enjoyed the company of women - I can't stand it. I've asked him to stop, repeatedly. He says he is just being social.

When we met, at least 1/2 his friends were women. To this day, and we have been married 12 years, he is still in contact with his college girlfriend's best friend and another woman he knew in college. She is single and 47, so I don't know what is wrong with her.

They are his friends!! He has always been like this - platonic friends with women.
My DH is like this too, and I appreciate that about him. I have become friends with his female friends too. Why in the world would you pathologize that? And it sounds like you have tried to end these friendships!! That is so f-ed up, OP!! How has your ash tolerated this all these years?
I'm not buying this anymore.

+1 if he was always "like this" then I have no idea why OP thought that would change. I'm in the reverse situation -- my husband is on extended travel for an overseas project (months/years, not weeks) and I'm here in DC, but I've always had a lot of platonic male friends. It's a non-issue. DH is glad I'm not just sad home alone. He goes out far more frequently when on assignment, too. We talk daily and email frequently and neither of us has any worry about the other.

Usually, I'd say "trust your gut" but this sounds like extreme insecurity in your relationship.

Also "she's single and 47" doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with her. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much here to comment on, but I agree that OP should go to counseling.

Out of all you mentioned, the ONLY thing that would annoy me is the not telling me about the colleague going. If me or my DH was on assignment overseas without family, there is no way I would expect him to just be hanging out in his apartment every night. I would expect him to go out and enjoy the culture. Secondly, if he was banging chicks that he picked up in bars, would he be stupid enough to bring his wife to the same bars? Only you can asnwer that.

That was very very early on in our marriage. He said he did not tell she was going because he knew I would be jealous.

OP - you need help. I don't give my husband a list of every person accompanying me on business trips, or who was at dinner each night, or who was at happy hour. I mention people he knows or if they come up in a story I want to tell him. My husband is the ONLY man in his department besides the branch chief. I don't even pretend to know the difference between Alli and Kelly and which one showed him a new sandwich shop on Monday. You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy like this once.

Lots of female friends.

A lot of times guys who have lots of female friends crave female attention. A lot of times they flirt in order to get that attention.

So op's feelings may be warranted.

I broke up with the guy - I can't date that personality type. It makes me feel insecure.

Three years is crazy. Unless it was Afghanistan or something, I would have gone with him or convinced him not to go. That is too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much here to comment on, but I agree that OP should go to counseling.

Out of all you mentioned, the ONLY thing that would annoy me is the not telling me about the colleague going. If me or my DH was on assignment overseas without family, there is no way I would expect him to just be hanging out in his apartment every night. I would expect him to go out and enjoy the culture. Secondly, if he was banging chicks that he picked up in bars, would he be stupid enough to bring his wife to the same bars? Only you can asnwer that.

That was very very early on in our marriage. He said he did not tell she was going because he knew I would be jealous.

Well you certainly proved him right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy like this once.

Lots of female friends.

A lot of times guys who have lots of female friends crave female attention. A lot of times they flirt in order to get that attention.

So op's feelings may be warranted.

I broke up with the guy - I can't date that personality type. It makes me feel insecure.

Three years is crazy. Unless it was Afghanistan or something, I would have gone with him or convinced him not to go. That is too long.

Well, no it was not a war zone and I could've gone, but then I would have had to quit my job, move my kid from school, etc. and I didn't want to do that. I tried to convince DH to stay or find another job, but he refused. We have had two such separations in our marriage due to his work and I cannot take it, but he refuses to quit and find something better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much here to comment on, but I agree that OP should go to counseling.

Out of all you mentioned, the ONLY thing that would annoy me is the not telling me about the colleague going. If me or my DH was on assignment overseas without family, there is no way I would expect him to just be hanging out in his apartment every night. I would expect him to go out and enjoy the culture. Secondly, if he was banging chicks that he picked up in bars, would he be stupid enough to bring his wife to the same bars? Only you can asnwer that.

That was very very early on in our marriage. He said he did not tell she was going because he knew I would be jealous.

Well you certainly proved him right.

The problem is that you two are feeding off each other. He doesn't tell--and he SHOULD--and you become understandably jealous.
IMO, the real problem is that he isn't telling you about the women he meets. He should not be keeping these women secret. It's the secrecy that breeds problems in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much here to comment on, but I agree that OP should go to counseling.

Out of all you mentioned, the ONLY thing that would annoy me is the not telling me about the colleague going. If me or my DH was on assignment overseas without family, there is no way I would expect him to just be hanging out in his apartment every night. I would expect him to go out and enjoy the culture. Secondly, if he was banging chicks that he picked up in bars, would he be stupid enough to bring his wife to the same bars? Only you can asnwer that.

That was very very early on in our marriage. He said he did not tell she was going because he knew I would be jealous.

OP - you need help. I don't give my husband a list of every person accompanying me on business trips, or who was at dinner each night, or who was at happy hour. I mention people he knows or if they come up in a story I want to tell him. My husband is the ONLY man in his department besides the branch chief. I don't even pretend to know the difference between Alli and Kelly and which one showed him a new sandwich shop on Monday. You sound exhausting.

This made me LOL.

[Anonymous]

He introduced me to two of his women friends from the assignment - a mother - daughter pair. Mother is slightly older than me - she is 46, redhead (like), tall slender - and her daughter is gorgeous 24 and blonde. Wouldn't his make you suspicious?

[Anonymous]

We went to dinner at their house.

[Anonymous]

No, it wouldn't.

Honestly, OP, what are you expecting? That he had some twisted affair with this mother/daughter pair? That they invited you over to dinner to laugh at what a chump you must be?

It seems to me that if your husband was cheating on you, he would not be in such a rush to introduce you to his affair partner(s), their mothers, daughters or fiances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He introduced me to two of his women friends from the assignment - a mother - daughter pair. Mother is slightly older than me - she is 46, redhead (like), tall slender - and her daughter is gorgeous 24 and blonde. Wouldn't his make you suspicious?

OP, you need therapy. Seriously.

No, I would not be suspicious if my husband introduced me to colleagues who invited us for dinner. I like to believe I married a man smart enough to be a bit more stealthy if he was having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He introduced me to two of his women friends from the assignment - a mother - daughter pair. Mother is slightly older than me - she is 46, redhead (like), tall slender - and her daughter is gorgeous 24 and blonde. Wouldn't his make you suspicious?

OP, you need therapy. Seriously.

No, I would not be suspicious if my husband introduced me to colleagues who invited us for dinner. I like to believe I married a man smart enough to be a bit more stealthy if he was having an affair.

Maybe OP is right. I had the experience of my DH carrying on an "in the open" affair for 5 years, and I never suspected that his woman "friend" who came to dinner parties at our house, stayed overnight at our summer cottage when visiting from Europe, etc. was the same woman he was sleeping with on the side. So, perhaps this is his way to show that he not really having an affair while actually have his cake and eating it too - or two as the case may be.

[Anonymous]

Plus said woman and DH danced a mean salsa together.

[Anonymous]