Where are all the single men?

[Anonymous]

I think that a lot of the time, women AND men who have trouble are extremely emotional and it turns potential partners off. I've seen it time and again with people I know who struggle in the dating scene - they get overly excited about the relationship potential of every new person who comes along, they get really attached really fast, they often have sex right away, they're really open about their intense feelings and hopes, and they scare the other person away.

I think the abilities to control your emotions, play it cool, give things time and space to play out naturally, and not push too hard are ESSENTIAL. Unfortunately, the older people get, the more anxious they get and the more they try to rush things, and it all backfires. And the cycle keeps repeating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Month 4 or 5 is when everyone's crazy begins to show. Co-workers at a new job. New neighbors. Hell, that's when babies start letting it all hang out.

+1000

This is the real deal - we all put on our best face for as long as we can, but we slip up and our real selves show through, usually in just 2-3 months, but sometimes longer, and by 4-5 months you really know who the person is.

This is not the same thing as rejecting people constantly right off the bat for not meeting some criteria on a checklist..in fact, it's the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a lot of the time, women AND men who have trouble are extremely emotional and it turns potential partners off. I've seen it time and again with people I know who struggle in the dating scene - they get overly excited about the relationship potential of every new person who comes along, they get really attached really fast, they often have sex right away, they're really open about their intense feelings and hopes, and they scare the other person away.

I think the abilities to control your emotions, play it cool, give things time and space to play out naturally, and not push too hard are ESSENTIAL. Unfortunately, the older people get, the more anxious they get and the more they try to rush things, and it all backfires. And the cycle keeps repeating.

I'm a guy and I completely agree with this. I've been guilty of this kind of "too much" behavior myself. One of my wife's very good friends who is a PHENOMENAL CATCH is like this - smart, hot, successful, nice and outgoing. She is the whole package. I would totally have dated her and pursued her if I hadn't met her through my wife, LOL! But, she gets crazy intense, much much much too quickly. It scares off the guys. Plus, she does, unrelated to her emotional attitudes, just happen to have those wide big eyes that are attractive, but kind of like the demotivational poster crazy girlfriend eyes.

It's OK to be excited about someone, but don't have sex right away and don't be so open about your intense feelings and hopes...you should be on a long slow reveal - the 3-6 month timeframe - even if you think you've met 'the one' (which is BS, there are many, and you've probably had that "the one" feeling more than once!) after the first date.

[Anonymous]

There is no "the one". A lot of falling in love is about timing and serendipity. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no "the one". A lot of falling in love is about timing and serendipity. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 38 year old single mom and I haven't had any issues meeting single guys and dating. I'm also a bit career focused and have a fat belly to boot.

I met a lot of guys through my meetup group - that I started - so that sort of naturally made me a magnet for people to talk to. And I met a lot of nice guys online.

I think the trick is your approach. I gave pretty much most guys a shot if they contacted me (and the contact wasn't creepy or overtly sexual). I didn't have a big list of expectations other than they had a job and if they had kids, they were involved. The guys I met were all college educated, in a professional career, and nice. Tall, short, small, fat -- whatever. I went into the first meeting just looking to meet a new person -- not to see if this guy was 'the one'. I think guys can smell that and it freaks them out. I wanted to get to know them and go from there. I ended up meeting a great guy online and we've been together for 10 months.

Tell your friends to give people a chance, lower their guard, and just look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new. If it clicks, great. If not, no big deal...it's one evening or coffee date in a life time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no "the one". A lot of falling in love is about timing and serendipity. Sorry.

The Galfinakis poster is on a tear...such great cartoons! Another haxnut here.

There is no "one" for sure, totally agree.

The idea of meeting someone when you least expect it has some validity though. I think it has more to do about your own frame of mind/attitude when you're "least expecting it" precisely because of the stuff other PPs have said about getting too excited too fast and scaring people off. You're more likely to be your natural self and not scary needy/desperate/too-excited when you aren't really looking for or expecting a relationship with someone...when the relationship kind of sneaks up on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 38 year old single mom and I haven't had any issues meeting single guys and dating. I'm also a bit career focused and have a fat belly to boot.

I met a lot of guys through my meetup group - that I started - so that sort of naturally made me a magnet for people to talk to. And I met a lot of nice guys online.

I think the trick is your approach. I gave pretty much most guys a shot if they contacted me (and the contact wasn't creepy or overtly sexual). I didn't have a big list of expectations other than they had a job and if they had kids, they were involved. The guys I met were all college educated, in a professional career, and nice. Tall, short, small, fat -- whatever. I went into the first meeting just looking to meet a new person -- not to see if this guy was 'the one'. I think guys can smell that and it freaks them out. I wanted to get to know them and go from there. I ended up meeting a great guy online and we've been together for 10 months.

Tell your friends to give people a chance, lower their guard, and just look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new. If it clicks, great. If not, no big deal...it's one evening or coffee date in a life time.

This. Truthfully, any woman can have a boatload of men if she wants. Men still do the asking and face getting told to get lost in ways that most women never have to experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't quite see the Darwinian appeal of dating sites and bars. What's wrong with meeting someone at work or through work? That's how I did it.

My older brother's only dating advice for me was "Don't shit where you eat."

I agree and you have to be very careful and understand probblems that could occur. I met my DH at work. We were co workers. I changed jobs shortly afterwards and kept our relationship a secret until we were engaged. Secret from coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no "the one". A lot of falling in love is about timing and serendipity. Sorry.

The Galfinakis poster is on a tear...such great cartoons! Another haxnut here.

There is no "one" for sure, totally agree.

The idea of meeting someone when you least expect it has some validity though. I think it has more to do about your own frame of mind/attitude when you're "least expecting it" precisely because of the stuff other PPs have said about getting too excited too fast and scaring people off. You're more likely to be your natural self and not scary needy/desperate/too-excited when you aren't really looking for or expecting a relationship with someone...when the relationship kind of sneaks up on you.

+1

This was true for me but I did meet THE ONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The idea of meeting someone when you least expect it has some validity though. I think it has more to do about your own frame of mind/attitude when you're "least expecting it" precisely because of the stuff other PPs have said about getting too excited too fast and scaring people off. You're more likely to be your natural self and not scary needy/desperate/too-excited when you aren't really looking for or expecting a relationship with someone...when the relationship kind of sneaks up on you.

+1

This was true for me but I did meet THE ONE.

Ha! Well, I met my wife under those circumstances too...but I don't think I'll know for sure if she is "the one" until I'm dying and we're still married. I am remarried....so I kind of thought I'd met "the one" twice (at least) now.

I hope yours lasts! Congrats!

[Anonymous]

I work in an ES and there are maybe half a dozen men who work here. They are either married or gay. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 38 year old single mom and I haven't had any issues meeting single guys and dating. I'm also a bit career focused and have a fat belly to boot.

I met a lot of guys through my meetup group - that I started - so that sort of naturally made me a magnet for people to talk to. And I met a lot of nice guys online.

I think the trick is your approach. I gave pretty much most guys a shot if they contacted me (and the contact wasn't creepy or overtly sexual). I didn't have a big list of expectations other than they had a job and if they had kids, they were involved. The guys I met were all college educated, in a professional career, and nice. Tall, short, small, fat -- whatever. I went into the first meeting just looking to meet a new person -- not to see if this guy was 'the one'. I think guys can smell that and it freaks them out. I wanted to get to know them and go from there. I ended up meeting a great guy online and we've been together for 10 months.

Tell your friends to give people a chance, lower their guard, and just look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new. If it clicks, great. If not, no big deal...it's one evening or coffee date in a life time.

Yes!

41 and in good shape, but his was basically my attitude all along. I did go out on too many dates where I pretty much knew it wasn't LTR-potential (guys too young, or just really different lives)...but I was social and gave even guys who were unappealing at least a first date if they showed genuine interest. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in an ES and there are maybe half a dozen men who work here. They are either married or gay. ?

ES is like that. Single guys are considered a bit suspicious at that level.

When I taught HS, there were a lot of divorced male teachers. I dated a few. Both my ex-DH and the guy I'm in a serious relationship with are educators. My ex has dated a lot of other teachers, mostly never married ES in their mid to late 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't quite see the Darwinian appeal of dating sites and bars. What's wrong with meeting someone at work or through work? That's how I did it.

Well, good for you! If the OPs friends have multiple options at their places of work, why would she be asking where the single guys are?

For what it's worth, I've worked in a professional environment since I was 26. I have met and dated exactly 0 men from work or even really that I met through work. Just doesn't happen for me. When I was starting out, I was too focused on figuring out how to work full time (I'd been in school for a long time). When I reentered the dating world in my late 30s, all of my male colleagues were married with kids. Basically me, minus the divorce. Plus, with little kids, when I'm at work, I'm working. I have lots of friends, but with my male colleagues, there isn't a lot of hey, do you have any single friends type of conversations. I think it depends on what you do and where you work.