Where are all the single men?

[Anonymous]

They need to give any potential guy at least three dates before deciding there's no connection. Some people don't make good first impressions. Some people are really nervous on first dates. Most people's best qualities (certainly the ones that are most important for long term relationships) can't be seen on a first date. My husband thinks it's hilarious that after our first date I thought, "Eh. Probably not, but I'll give it two more dates." By the third date, my opinion had changed to "Well, maybe. . . " It's just a fantasy to think that you need to feel some connection right away. Chemistry is not always immediate.

Writing someone off after one date is like house hunting and refusing to consider any home without good curb appeal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to give any potential guy at least three dates before deciding there's no connection. Some people don't make good first impressions. Some people are really nervous on first dates. Most people's best qualities (certainly the ones that are most important for long term relationships) can't be seen on a first date. My husband thinks it's hilarious that after our first date I thought, "Eh. Probably not, but I'll give it two more dates." By the third date, my opinion had changed to "Well, maybe. . . " It's just a fantasy to think that you need to feel some connection right away. Chemistry is not always immediate.

Writing someone off after one date is like house hunting and refusing to consider any home without good curb appeal.

+1

I think this is a problem everywhere. I am the only one of my siblings/ cousins to be married. The rest were so career oriented they didnt keep an eye open. I worked and kept my eyes open. When I saw my DH the first time, my gut reaction was to run. 2 yrs later we dated and a year later we were married. We just had our 9th anniv. My male cousins are single too. I dont think they date either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about why a woman who is 40+ and professionally established would so prefer a never-married over a divorced man that she would bother to discount the divorced guy?

My friends all seem to agree that never-married men over 40 are usually odd or commitment-phones. You know a divorced guy was at least willing to try.

As for what these women were doing in their 20's, I know what they were doing -- they were being incredibly picky. They wouldn't even consider going out with a guy that wasn't perfect. They are all jealous of my wonderful husband, but they would have never given him a chance. I'd try to set them up with great guys, but they always had some "flaw" that disqualified them.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ So to answer OP's question, head to Jackson's at the Reston Town Center for happy hour! Or Chix n Wings in Tysons. Join a group to train for the Reston triathlon...

I dunno, training for triathlons can be a cult thing in and of itself...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My friends all seem to agree that never-married men over 40 are usually odd or commitment-phones. You know a divorced guy was at least willing to try.

I'm a guy, and frankly, this applies equally to never married >40 women too - frankly, for either sex, never-married >35 this is true.

As for what these women were doing in their 20's, I know what they were doing -- they were being incredibly picky. They wouldn't even consider going out with a guy that wasn't perfect. They are all jealous of my wonderful husband, but they would have never given him a chance. I'd try to set them up with great guys, but they always had some "flaw" that disqualified them.

Yes, exactly, and in women commitment-phobic (or fear of intimacy & daddy issues, aka "emotional unavailability") often masquerades as "picky" where these women don't actually bother seeing if they emotionally connect with the person and instead focus on the resume/checklist...the ones who are successful in finding a guy who matches the checklist then wonder why they wake up 10 years and two kids later and feel nothing but contempt for the person they find in the bed next to them.

BTW, I am not a bitter guy, and I don't hate women; I'm a guy who is friends with his ex wife and is very happily remarried. I could just as easily put the ugly truth spin onto guys (mostly guys who worry about too-perfect bodies/looks, which are ephemeral anyway) - this thread just happens to be about "where are all the single men". I definitely, definitely encourage single women to consider divorced (children or not) men - they have at least tried, aren't completely burned/scarred by the experience, and maybe learned something from their earlier failure.

Good Luck Ladies! There are sooooo many hot, smart and otherwise fantastic women in DC...as a man, it was the candy store for searching for a partner...of course, I'm a guy who wanted an LTR & marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to give any potential guy at least three dates before deciding there's no connection. Some people don't make good first impressions. Some people are really nervous on first dates. Most people's best qualities (certainly the ones that are most important for long term relationships) can't be seen on a first date. My husband thinks it's hilarious that after our first date I thought, "Eh. Probably not, but I'll give it two more dates." By the third date, my opinion had changed to "Well, maybe. . . " It's just a fantasy to think that you need to feel some connection right away. Chemistry is not always immediate.

Writing someone off after one date is like house hunting and refusing to consider any home without good curb appeal.

I totally agree with this. I almost missed out on my husband because of this. I called it off after our first date. He was so shy and awkward when it came to dating. Thankfully, I got another chance to get to know him casually through mutual friends about a year later. I thank my lucky stars every day for that second chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about why a woman who is 40+ and professionally established would so prefer a never-married over a divorced man that she would bother to discount the divorced guy?

OP again. They are open to divorced men. But other than online, they can't seem to meet them in real life. This seems to be a common situation in my circles so I thought I'd ask. In their twenties and early thirties they were focused on careers but I think they thought they would meet someone along the way. Yet suddenly they're 37, 41, 43 and no more prospects than five years ago. I'm sure some of them would move out west if they met the right guy but now they have careers on the east coast so starting anew in Seattle or Denver with only the hopes that the odds are better doesn't seem like the best idea.

Well as a 42 y.o. divorced dad I can tell you I don't hang out in bars or clubs when I don't have my kid (I equally co-parent with my exW). I pursue activities that I like and I've met women in all sorts of places. I've never done an activity with the intent of trying to meet someone - I'm a pretty social guy and it just happens that i can talk to women. I've had more women (single women & single moms) approach me when I've had the kid in tow - at restaurants, museums, super market, book stores, shops, etc.

I know some divorced dads and those in my circle - high income, very well educated, kid/family focused, we don't waste time chasing young tail - most of us date women 35+ and I personally prefer to date single moms because they know the lifestyle and challenges of being a single parent.

My advice to your friends - 1) be open. That means body language and how they simply are in public. Women think they're approachable but often times they give off the vibe of 'don't bother me'. 2) be confident not desperate. I can't tell you how sexy that is and a guy worth pursuing has suitors - and I will purse attractive and confident women, not wall flowers. 3).don't be afraid to approach a guy (after that, it's the guys job to chase) but there's nothing to lose - I've had women strike up conversations when I'm having dinner by myself (if I'm eating at the bar). 4) throw the long check list out the window as it does more harm than good. Of course, we all have our deal breakers but really, but they need to be open minded and they just might be pleasantly surprised.

Agree with much of what you've said above. 41 year old single mom, in a LTR with a late-40s single dad. We met online and I've posted in response to a lot of the recent threads about meeting online. But first and foremost, I gave him a chance. His personality won me over instantly, even though he did not meet a couple of my almost "must haves." Clearly they were negotiable. I'm Jewish and tried all of the ways I knew to meet Jewish men, including being on and off Jdate. That's one area where we do not match. The thing about that is, having been in a horrible marriage, I know where there is room for compromise. He's a good man and if I'd used any sort of a check list, I would have missed him. I also agree with a PP who said everyone should be giving more than one date to determine whether they other person is a good match. I think at least two...but it also takes a fair amount of dating to be good at weeding out the potential guys from the no-way guys.

Your friends need to be willing to branch out, to let go of some things that are not important (height, car he drives, etc.), forgive some of the appearance issues that can be changed (he dresses bad, old glasses, whatever). Get to know the person and then think -- is this a family guy? Would this guy work on our relationship to make me happy? How does he interact with his female family members? Does he have close relationships with people? How does he handle stress? I could go on. The right guy may not be the guy that catches their eye. I'd suggest that they think about your DH. You said they wouldn't give him the time of day way back when, but now they are jealous. What are the qualities they're talking about?

Where to meet them? Hmmm, yeah, aside from online, I don't know! Try not to buy into the "DC sucks for meeting people." If that's where they are established, going into it with such a negative perspective isn't going to help. It never really worked for me, but suggest that they get out of the house a lot doing things they already enjoy. Probably not an all-female book club or the spa...but if it's running, join a club. If it's photography, take a class. If it's cooking, do one of those groupon activities. Driving range on a weekend. May not meet single guys, but if this is a numbers game, it helps their chances. Going with one friend -- married is even better b/c they are good wing-people -- is fine. More than that, you are not going to be as approachable. If your friends are open to single dads, most I know are in the suburbs because they have kids in school. There is a difference between being 35 and looking to marry and have kids vs. being 45 and willing to start a relationship with a man the same age or older, divorced with kids. I think those friends are looking for different guys.

[Anonymous]

I never understand questions like this. Walk into any bar - mostly men. Sports events, Home Depot, mostly men. Golf course, mostly men. Online dating, mostly men. How in the world can any woman complain about where men are? Men are the ones who approach 95% of the time and face rejection. There are always more men than women who are approachable. Yes, if you are looking for a hedge fund manager who went to Ivy League schools, looks like George Clooney, speaks five languages, was an ex Navy Seal, and tried out for the Olympics, then it is going to be tough finding someone.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

The reality is that if a woman is attractive and nice to him, most men are fine. But with women, a man has to meet 539 requirements for her to be interested. Women also initiate 2/3 of all divorces so no question they are much pickier than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There aren't many of them. My single friends and I have tried all of the dating websites and the few men who are okay with a woman who is too old for kids just seem odd. I have a kid so I a stuck between being too old to have another kid and has one of her own. The only men who seem interested are men who already have their own kids. They don't seem to understand that I have mine 24/7.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few - a couple of divorced dads from school, a couple of my neighbors, a couple of guys at work. Don't know how a single woman would meet men like them. The dads you'd probably have a hard time meeting them outside school functions/kid-oriented stuff. The never-marrieds are kind of set in their bachelor ways by the time they hit their late 30s/early 40s and hang out in the golf course, sports events, sports bars. Guess that's where your single friends would have to go to run into them.

This would explain how my recently divorced 40 something female friends are jumping into relationships right away - with other divorced dads they meet through their kids schools. I was one of those women in their late 30s trying to meet a nice guy to get married and start a family 10 years ago and had the hardest time and I'm so surprised to see my divorced friends in new relationships so quickly.

I'm a single mom in my 40s. Have yet to meet any men through my child's school or activities. Not sure how everyone else is. I have met men online. Seems like most men who email me are divorced and I their 50s. Issue is that their kids are older/college while mine is 9. Just met someone recently with younger kids. Not sure the relationship will last but I find his flexibility about scheduling/kid stuff really nice.

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced dad and have the opposite problem. In good shape but not really into playing the game. You would never know this by looking at me, but I like somewhat quirky, slightly nerdy women who are big on things like art and things like foreign languages. Where are you? With summer here we could be having a great time!

[Anonymous]

The men?

They're getting McDonald's breakfast Sunday mornings, 10:00 ish. To Go. They haven't showered or shaved. It's clear they're in need of female companionship, hardly feeding themselves.