Where are all the single men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about why a woman who is 40+ and professionally established would so prefer a never-married over a divorced man that she would bother to discount the divorced guy?

My friends all seem to agree that never-married men over 40 are usually odd or commitment-phones. You know a divorced guy was at least willing to try.

As for what these women were doing in their 20's, I know what they were doing -- they were being incredibly picky. They wouldn't even consider going out with a guy that wasn't perfect. They are all jealous of my wonderful husband, but they would have never given him a chance. I'd try to set them up with great guys, but they always had some "flaw" that disqualified them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about why a woman who is 40+ and professionally established would so prefer a never-married over a divorced man that she would bother to discount the divorced guy?

My friends all seem to agree that never-married men over 40 are usually odd or commitment-phones. You know a divorced guy was at least willing to try.

As for what these women were doing in their 20's, I know what they were doing -- they were being incredibly picky. They wouldn't even consider going out with a guy that wasn't perfect. They are all jealous of my wonderful husband, but they would have never given him a chance. I'd try to set them up with great guys, but they always had some "flaw" that disqualified them.

Phobes not phones. I hate autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get hit on all the time by single men. Where are you trying to find one? I bike, run, hike, row, the Seersucker Social, etc. If you are looking in church or at a restaurant, they aren't there.

This. I'm married with kids but I do a lot of activities. No shortage of single guys, but they don't want the type of woman that is still single at 40+. Usually these women were career-obsessed, or list/requirement obsessed, or both in their prime dating years and they'd focus on all of the wrong things. As they've aged, instead of loosening up they have become (understandably) bitter. That's not attractive. There are, of course, successful, confident, sexy women at 40+ but they have no shortage of admirers, much like their 20-30 something counterparts do. Personality and confidence are huge factors here.

I remember my male friends in their early to mid 30s were looking for a life partner. Their female peers that were still single but not by choice sometimes were too but they came with a laundry list of requirements. Too short? Back to the pond you go. Not working in the right firm/agency/office? Not ambitious enough. Women do a disservice to each other by saying that the perfect guy is out there. He's not. He does not exist. There are lots of men that can be perfect for YOU but usually it involves some patience and training. If you enjoy someone's company and they can be a good partner to you, at any age, just run with it. Ignore the list.

I'm Jewish also, so I get that aspect. I did marry another Jew but I also have a lot of friends that are happy with non-Jews. This is a very personal issue and it depends on how you and your partner want to raise a family.

Then there is the last and touchiest point: there just are more women than men in this city. 40 something men are able to get 30 something women. But these then goes back to loosening requirements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about why a woman who is 40+ and professionally established would so prefer a never-married over a divorced man that she would bother to discount the divorced guy?

My friends all seem to agree that never-married men over 40 are usually odd or commitment-phones. You know a divorced guy was at least willing to try.

As for what these women were doing in their 20's, I know what they were doing -- they were being incredibly picky. They wouldn't even consider going out with a guy that wasn't perfect. They are all jealous of my wonderful husband, but they would have never given him a chance. I'd try to set them up with great guys, but they always had some "flaw" that disqualified them.

Phobes not phones. I hate autocorrect.

This is so true. Every guy I try to hook up my 34 year old friend with, she finds something she doesn't like about them. I guess she will be single and childless for a few more years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few - a couple of divorced dads from school, a couple of my neighbors, a couple of guys at work. Don't know how a single woman would meet men like them. The dads you'd probably have a hard time meeting them outside school functions/kid-oriented stuff. The never-marrieds are kind of set in their bachelor ways by the time they hit their late 30s/early 40s and hang out in the golf course, sports events, sports bars. Guess that's where your single friends would have to go to run into them.

This would explain how my recently divorced 40 something female friends are jumping into relationships right away - with other divorced dads they meet through their kids schools. I was one of those women in their late 30s trying to meet a nice guy to get married and start a family 10 years ago and had the hardest time and I'm so surprised to see my divorced friends in new relationships so quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There aren't many of them. My single friends and I have tried all of the dating websites and the few men who are okay with a woman who is too old for kids just seem odd. I have a kid so I a stuck between being too old to have another kid and has one of her own. The only men who seem interested are men who already have their own kids. They don't seem to understand that I have mine 24/7.

odd in what way? just curious

not in the right tax bracket odd

ah ok - why didn't you just say that then (i.e. just put in your profile, 'no poors')?

PP, I don't think the person who wrote the snarky "tax bracket" post is the same person who wrote the "odd" post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kind of sounds like they missed the boat, to be honest. It's really difficult for a woman to get married for the first time past the age of 35. I imagine these women probably have a laundry list of qualifications to match their own - potential partner has to be Jewish, high income, educated at certain colleges, good family, similar age (not too much older or younger), good looking/in shape, etc. There's just not a lot of men that fit into that mold, period, and the ones that do, have their choice of women. I agree they should move out west, the dating market is much better for women in cities like Seattle.

My knowledge is 15 years old....I was a mid-30's Jewish guy. 15 years ago, I found this area to be horrible. Basically, it seemed like the women had such a wall up that they did not want to open up. That was a huge turn off. I figured maybe it was related to being a female trying to protect herself. But, I had women lose interest in me when they discovered I did not have a six figure income (I was just out of grad school...phd scientist). At the other end, I met very needy women. But I found it very hard to meet anyone in this area.

Finally, I met someone out of town. Been for quite a while.

And why Jewish? It has to do with values. Most reform Jews will have similar social values as me, including the importance of social justice and education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get hit on all the time by single men. Where are you trying to find one? I bike, run, hike, row, the Seersucker Social, etc. If you are looking in church or at a restaurant, they aren't there.

I do too, but I'm married. There is a huge contingency of men out there that chase married women. They don't want the commitment and just want to have fun.

If you are married, then I assure you, they are just looking to score some ass.

[Anonymous]

I have many awesome girlfriends in this same boat (and some guys too). It's largely just (bad) luck and timing, in my opinion, combined with the really unfavorable gender balance in DC. All the women I know work in DC at associations, law firms, nonprofits, etc., while most guys I know are engineers and work out in the Dulles area. They just literally don't cross paths at work, happy hours, etc. But it's mostly luck and timing.

[Anonymous]

^^ So to answer OP's question, head to Jackson's at the Reston Town Center for happy hour! Or Chix n Wings in Tysons. Join a group to train for the Reston triathlon...

[Anonymous]

What about those Event and Adventures groups? They sound like fun and a good way to meet people. Those weren't around when I was single and looking 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

The only single men I know are dating 20-30 somethings and have no desire to settle down. It seems as though the odds are in their favor. They are good looking guys and have good jobs. They are not going for the older women who want to settle down. They can be picky because there is always another cute, single girl right around the corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This. I'm married with kids but I do a lot of activities. No shortage of single guys, but they don't want the type of woman that is still single at 40+. Usually these women were career-obsessed, or list/requirement obsessed, or both in their prime dating years and they'd focus on all of the wrong things. As they've aged, instead of loosening up they have become (understandably) bitter. That's not attractive. There are, of course, successful, confident, sexy women at 40+ but they have no shortage of admirers, much like their 20-30 something counterparts do. Personality and confidence are huge factors here.

I remember my male friends in their early to mid 30s were looking for a life partner. Their female peers that were still single but not by choice sometimes were too but they came with a laundry list of requirements. Too short? Back to the pond you go. Not working in the right firm/agency/office? Not ambitious enough. Women do a disservice to each other by saying that the perfect guy is out there. He's not. He does not exist. There are lots of men that can be perfect for YOU but usually it involves some patience and training. If you enjoy someone's company and they can be a good partner to you, at any age, just run with it. Ignore the list.

I'm Jewish also, so I get that aspect. I did marry another Jew but I also have a lot of friends that are happy with non-Jews. This is a very personal issue and it depends on how you and your partner want to raise a family.

Then there is the last and touchiest point: there just are more women than men in this city. 40 something men are able to get 30 something women. But these then goes back to loosening requirements.

Yep. These are list people, a decade past their looks prime, encountering other list people.The unicorns will hook up, and the left-overs will be bitter with no sense of irony.

[Anonymous]

In truth I don't really know any single women either.
I have one friend who is 40+ and still looking, and I have one divorced friend but she is in a relationship with a man she happened to meet at a grocery store (he is divorced too).
But that's it - everyone gradually coupled off over the past 10 years or so. I'm surprised PPs have so many single girlfriends. I have one divorced male friend but nobody to introduce him too, so the opposite problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about why a woman who is 40+ and professionally established would so prefer a never-married over a divorced man that she would bother to discount the divorced guy?

OP again. They are open to divorced men. But other than online, they can't seem to meet them in real life. This seems to be a common situation in my circles so I thought I'd ask. In their twenties and early thirties they were focused on careers but I think they thought they would meet someone along the way. Yet suddenly they're 37, 41, 43 and no more prospects than five years ago. I'm sure some of them would move out west if they met the right guy but now they have careers on the east coast so starting anew in Seattle or Denver with only the hopes that the odds are better doesn't seem like the best idea.

Well as a 42 y.o. divorced dad I can tell you I don't hang out in bars or clubs when I don't have my kid (I equally co-parent with my exW). I pursue activities that I like and I've met women in all sorts of places. I've never done an activity with the intent of trying to meet someone - I'm a pretty social guy and it just happens that i can talk to women. I've had more women (single women & single moms) approach me when I've had the kid in tow - at restaurants, museums, super market, book stores, shops, etc.

I know some divorced dads and those in my circle - high income, very well educated, kid/family focused, we don't waste time chasing young tail - most of us date women 35+ and I personally prefer to date single moms because they know the lifestyle and challenges of being a single parent.

My advice to your friends - 1) be open. That means body language and how they simply are in public. Women think they're approachable but often times they give off the vibe of 'don't bother me'. 2) be confident not desperate. I can't tell you how sexy that is and a guy worth pursuing has suitors - and I will purse attractive and confident women, not wall flowers. 3).don't be afraid to approach a guy (after that, it's the guys job to chase) but there's nothing to lose - I've had women strike up conversations when I'm having dinner by myself (if I'm eating at the bar). 4) throw the long check list out the window as it does more harm than good. Of course, we all have our deal breakers but really, but they need to be open minded and they just might be pleasantly surprised.