What are Fair Expectations for Stay-at-Home Dad

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is enjoying staying home but/because he is not doing the hard work of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH lost his job over the summer and we decided he'd SAH for a while. We have 3 kids ages 10-7 and two of them have multiple therapy appointments during the week. FWIW, one has a communication disorder that signficantly affects his expressive/receptive language and he goes to speech therapy twice a week.

My DH has ADHD and we've learned that if he doesn't have a list of things to do, nothing gets done. Understandably, it caused problems in our relationship because with one parent home, I was expecting to carry less of the household chore load. DH wasn't happy either. On a different thread, I saw someone had posted info regarding an Activity Log. You basically fill out how you spent your time during the day, rated how you felt while doing it and rated your sense of accomplishment. It's really helped DH see how he spent his time and where he had some black holes (like thinking he was on the Internet for only a few minutes when it was really 2 hours). That has helped him stay on track. I also provide him a detailed list of things that need to be done. It includes basic things like giving kids their meds in the morning and making sure one of the kids sits on the toilet before leaving for school and first thing when he gets home (he has bowel issues) to starting laundry to replacing light bulbs.

I know some might think that it's controlling. It's not. DH's strength is not in organization and planning. That's not a criticism, it's a fact. I'm good at organization and planning so we each do what we're good at. I make lists of things that need to be done and he gets them done. We're both happier with the results because the things that need getting done, get done. Our home life is a lot smoother now and we have more free time in the evenings and weekends.

PP here who suggested the hourly activity log (with ratings for enjoyment and accomplishment). I'm SO happy that it's been helpful to someone! It literally saved my life.

[Anonymous]

After reading the title and the first post, I came on here to defend the SAHD. I am a SAHM with a cluttered house and tend to be a little defensive on the subject.

But after reading your follow up posts, it sounds like clutter is the least of your concerns. It sounds like your DH needs therapy, he could be depressed or have other issues if he doesn't want to leave the house. An your poor DS desperately needs speeh therapy and interaction. You can get an IE evaluation and a therapist can come to your house. My son is also almost 2 and it makes me so sad to think of your son in a play pen all day every day. The reason my house is so messy is because I'm in the floor playing, and every day we go to the playground, or the library, or playdates, or something! I don't have a playpen and I cannot imagine my son would happily sit in one for more than a minute or two anyway.

Let the clutter and chores go and please stand up for your son! Something needs to change and fast.

[Anonymous]

Please, OP, you are being WAY to lax here about your son!!! Forget about housework. Your kid needs you! Put the gate up yourself and get your son into early intervention NOW. Stop prioritizing your DH's fee-fees over your son's brain development. DH will be defensive but who gives a fuck?!? His neglect of your son's development is indefensible. Stop enabling this lazy mope and prioritize your child!

[Anonymous]

OMFG! He is destroying this child! Call CPS!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like ds would be better off in preschool.

Suggest this to dh.

Get rid of the tv

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? if 1 to 1.5 years speech delayed, I'm imagining at least 2.5 Who puts a 2.5 year old in a playpen? ????

DC is almost 2 and came in at 6-9 months on speech scale. As for PP, DH doesn't have hobbies or activities and seldom leaves the house on his own. By seldom, I mean years ago...that is a whole different issue.

He doesn't even go to the gym?? That way at least the child could be with other kids for 1-2 hours a day or so

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to step up to the plate here. Your DH may be a sweetheart, but from what you've explained, at the very least, he has motivation issues. It actually sounds more like depression to me. Your little boy is not thriving in his care.

You need to take the bill by the horns. Even if your child were doing well developmentally, spending his days with a depressed person is not going to do him any favors. He has developmental issues. Your child needs to spend the majority of his waking hours in somebody else's care, not your DH's. Right now, your son needs to come first.

[Anonymous]

Put up the baby gate yourself, pronto.
Get rid of the playpen. A two year old should not be in a playpen.
Draw up a list of activities outside of the house: library story hour, playground, etc. Insist on a weekly schedule of activities and naps that your DH and DS will stick to.
TV is off all day except for 30 minutes.

This is not "nagging." This is insisting that your child's daily caregiver actually do things that are age appropriate with the child. You presumably would not allow a daycare to plop your child in a cage and have the TV and video games on all day. You would never pay someone for that kind of care. Therefore you should not accept it from your DH. You are working and contributing money for food, rent, etc. Your DH needs to step up and do childcare work if that his is job. Insisting on this is not nagging if you sit him down and talk about it seriously and make it clear you are acting out of sincere concern for your child.

Let everything else (clutter, etc) go.

Other things you say (the my laundry / his laundry thing, etc) and your fear of his defensiveness make me think you have problems in your marriage as well. I know it's hard to make time as a family, but if you have any access to any counseling services for the two of you it might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's extremely unlikely your DH caused your child's speech delay. Extremely unlikely. That being said, he should certainly bringing your DC to any therapy appointments and following up with any activities recommended by the therapist.
But I wouldn't correlate your child's progress or lack thereof with the level of your DH's involvement (unless he's being neglectful).

+1000

[Anonymous]

My husband stays home with our 18 month, 4yr and 6 yr old. I am the breadwinner in the family and I feel that if the roles were reversed he would expect everything to be immaculate. I come home to dirty dishes, laundry maybe in the washer or on the dryer, nothing folded. Dishes in the sink, dirty...etc. It is rare there is dinner made. I can go on and on and he says to me that all I do is bitch when things arent done. I still schedule appointments for the kids, grocery shop, take them to their sporting events, take time off work to do these things. He tells me if I sign the kids up for something its by responsibility for it. He tells me he loses track of time and sometimes forgets to feed the kids lunch but they get up later so they had a late beakfast. So frustrated that I feel like I would be better off on my own!