What are Fair Expectations for Stay-at-Home Dad
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Anonymous
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I agree with 14:32 to focus on the speech therapy. It's about DC so it's the easiest sell, easier than "clean up after yourself more," and clearly the most consequential.
I'm a WOHM and DH is a SAHD. (I started a thread on it a few wqeeks ago actually) Baby is just 6 months so it's still a bit of a honeymoon period for us all. He washes and dries laundry, I sort, fold, and put away. He cooks all meals we don't pay for, does most dishes, does about 80-90% of shopping when I'm at work (the rest we do together on weekends), drives me to and from work and brings the baby for lunch to BF. I make doc appts, we both go but he would go alone if need be. He handles social scheduling. We do the 6pm SAHP handoff where he gets dinner on the table and checks out for alone time, and I do baby's evening/bath/bed. He does almost no cleaning or decluttering. We can barely afford it but we have a housecleaner because I am too pooped right now to hold up that end of the bargain. The bills are in my name and I pay them because it's just a mouse click. Our DC has no special needs right now, but if there were any he'd work on them and execute any plan I come up with (he lets me take point on things that require research like that, we've done it with establishing the sleep schedule, for example). The major difference I see in our sitch and how you talk about yours is that you guys don't seem to see each other as partners in the family. There's still a lot of whats-hers-is-hers, what's-his-is-his going on (you do your laundry and meals? he lost his job and _you_ gave up on his looking for another one?) It's meaningful to me that you blame him for the speech delay but say he's a good engaged dad too. Does he talk to DC all day or doesn't he? How long have you been keeping score this way--since baby, or before? Is he depressed? Isolated? Does he go to any of the SAHD groups? |
Anonymous
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I SAH home for a few years. I did everything. My husband focused on work. He did not cook, clean, shop, bill pay, schedule appts, do drs visits. He showed up for fun.
The house was immaculate and dinner from scratch each night. I also worked out daily and maintained my body. |
Anonymous
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All shopping, meals, most nighttime wake ups during the week (you handle weekend), meals, errands, appts, kid outings, most cleaning, most laundry. House does not to be spotless.
What do you mean that you pay half the bills? Why aren't they on automatic payments? You should pay them all if you are already doing half. I don't think you being in charge of cleaning the bathrooms is a big deal. You should be in charge of your cleaning your work clothes or anything that needs special care. He can wash your other clothes with his and kids. From your post it sounds like he is doing what he should be. How do you know how long he is in the playpen? You can't manage your child's day down to the minute. You trusted your husband to be a sahd so just trust him. Maybe dad needs some ideas about what to do with kid during the winter months. |
Anonymous
I disagree. it's useful to know how other people organize their time and their lives. It broadens one's horizons and gives one ideas for ways to improve. I don't think OP is looking to take someone else's model and get it adopted in her house. OP, pick up the book Spousonomics. A lot in there about the economics within marriage, like how to split chores fairly when one person is much better at doing them than another. And abut the sex supply/demand curve. Is DH happy in that department? |
Anonymous
I would agree with this but for the speech delay. How worried are the docs? |
Anonymous
You assume a SAHM does parenting too by default then? |
Anonymous
How do you parent in shorter amounts of time? That's what I'm asking. I assume a stay at home parent is going to parent, yes. |
Anonymous
i was talking abou tthe "to do " stuff errandss, chores etc. |
Anonymous
I'm not trying to manage the day down to the minute. I know that DC is in the playpen most of the day, because DH has been "about to" put up our new baby gate for about 6 months. Accordingly, DC would fall down the stairs unless someone is running after him, and DH tells me every evening not to put him down outside of his room or playpen. Then, I ask how long he played in his room, and at most, it is 30 minutes or an hour every day. That leaves hours in the playpen. Plus, DH talks about what "they watched" and what video games "they played" while DC was in the playpen. I think DH is a great dad in that he loves our son and loves "playing" with DC by doing things with him, like TV and games and errands. The concern is that the things he does are not great, especially with a speech delay, and he isn't interested in changing those activities. No books are read that I don't read, no playdates ever unless I do them myself, no outside play during the weekdays, etc. The docs say DC is 1-1.5 years behind for both expressive and receptive. |
Anonymous
Right. And the OP is not thrilled with his parenting, and you, if you are one of the PPs above, would watch porn and throw your kids in front a television. So, nice staying at home part. No dad part. |
Anonymous
So put up the baby gate yourself! WTH?? It's not that hard. |
Anonymous
and how many moms on here watch porn and m during nap time? |
Anonymous
Yeah, it sounds like chores are the least of your concerns right now. If it were me, I'd put that issue on the back-burner and focus on either getting DH enrolled in a parenting class or back to work so your child can have a nanny or daycare and won't be neglected all day. |
Anonymous
WTF is honestly your problem? |
Anonymous
DH would flip out if I did it myself. He "wants" to do stuff but then doesn't do it. If I try to do it myself, he gets defensive. |