What are Fair Expectations for Stay-at-Home Dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your post it sounds like he is doing what he should be. How do you know how long he is in the playpen? You can't manage your child's day down to the minute. You trusted your husband to be a sahd so just trust him. Maybe dad needs some ideas about what to do with kid during the winter months.

I would agree with this but for the speech delay. How worried are the docs?

I'm not trying to manage the day down to the minute. I know that DC is in the playpen most of the day, because DH has been "about to" put up our new baby gate for about 6 months. Accordingly, DC would fall down the stairs unless someone is running after him, and DH tells me every evening not to put him down outside of his room or playpen. Then, I ask how long he played in his room, and at most, it is 30 minutes or an hour every day. That leaves hours in the playpen. Plus, DH talks about what "they watched" and what video games "they played" while DC was in the playpen.

I think DH is a great dad in that he loves our son and loves "playing" with DC by doing things with him, like TV and games and errands. The concern is that the things he does are not great, especially with a speech delay, and he isn't interested in changing those activities. No books are read that I don't read, no playdates ever unless I do them myself, no outside play during the weekdays, etc.

The docs say DC is 1-1.5 years behind for both expressive and receptive.

So put up the baby gate yourself! WTH?? It's not that hard.

DH would flip out if I did it myself. He "wants" to do stuff but then doesn't do it. If I try to do it myself, he gets defensive.

Who cares? Baby safety isn't something you wait 6 months on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do my own laundry, fix my own meals (microwave something and fix vegetables), and pay half of the bills. I also fix DC's breakfast every morning and get him dressed. On the weekends, I usually spend half a day cleaning (I don't think DH knows where the toilet brush even lives), the place is in a constant state of clutter (none of it mine or DC's), repairs get completed after a few months, and none of the speech therapy ideas get done, but DC watches a lot of TV and spends a lot of time in a playpen.

DH gets groceries about 90% of the time, does the dishes, does his laundry and DC's, does the repairs around the house (eventually), and pays his half of the bills. He also does almost all of the appointments (car repairs, post office, etc.).

I really want him to do more during the day, especially with DC, and would like him to do things without being asked 50 times. I genuinely don't want to be a nag or put too an unfair amount on his plate, but I feel like he puts me in a position where I have no choice. Asking nicely is just ignored.

It sounds like he does a lot of the housework. Caring for a child takes time.
My husband stays at home. U do most of the laundry - because I want to do it my way. He cooks, does dishes, appointments, home repair. I don't dictate to him what his schedule is or how to do dishes. I'm happy he fixes things - even of it takes a few weeks.
A toddler is a handful. They need constant attention. Take a breath and be appreciative of what he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do my own laundry, fix my own meals (microwave something and fix vegetables), and pay half of the bills. I also fix DC's breakfast every morning and get him dressed. On the weekends, I usually spend half a day cleaning (I don't think DH knows where the toilet brush even lives), the place is in a constant state of clutter (none of it mine or DC's), repairs get completed after a few months, and none of the speech therapy ideas get done, but DC watches a lot of TV and spends a lot of time in a playpen.

DH gets groceries about 90% of the time, does the dishes, does his laundry and DC's, does the repairs around the house (eventually), and pays his half of the bills. He also does almost all of the appointments (car repairs, post office, etc.).

I really want him to do more during the day, especially with DC, and would like him to do things without being asked 50 times. I genuinely don't want to be a nag or put too an unfair amount on his plate, but I feel like he puts me in a position where I have no choice. Asking nicely is just ignored.

He isn't cut out for this and that's ok. What bothers me is the tv and playpen time. If DH was spending quality time with your son I'd let some of the other stuff go. He should go back to work and you should find other childcare for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said he does dishes, most laundry, and most groceries, as well as house repairs and most appointments. That's reasonable. Don't push on that front.
You can't change everything, so focus on one thing. Otherwise it becomes overwhelming, and he just ignores and does what he wants, and you become the "nag." That one thing should the speech therapy. Your son needs to come
first and be the top priority. Push that one issue only, and compliment him on the things he does do.

Hire a monthly or twice monthly housekeeper if u can afford it

I agree with pp except for playpen and tv is not cool. Drop focus on chores and focus on getting him to spend more time interacting with kid.

I know - cut cable to pay for housekeeper !

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I haven't read all of the pages but I did read your initial thread and the past two comments OP made. Here's what I think:

1) I agree that "how much a SAH parent is able to do depends on the child". I am a SAHM of 4 kids all under the age of 6. Our oldest is in grade school most of the day, the middle two are in preschool a couple mornings a week and the youngest is at home with me everyday. I have the best intentions in the world and a morning plan that I try my best to get through but the children honestly drive that train. If they didn't sleep well then they are cranky and really need Mommy. This also means that I am breaking up constant squabbles and placing little ones in time out often. Or, there's the morning where we get a late start and I am rushing around like crazy and all I can do is get the kids dressed and where they need to be on time. Basically what I am saying is that I asking us, people who aren't your husband or know your child/routine personally, may not be a great starting point. Every child and every family is different.

2) I see a problem with time in the play pen and the TV/Video Games. While the child is awake, Daddy should be engaging him, watching him play with his toys. A child shouldn't be stuck in a play pen while Daddy enjoys his "games". It sounds to me like Dad thinks this set up is more of off time for him instead of a position in the family. As a Mother, I take my kids to play groups, the mall, the library, we meet friends for lunch or have friends over with packed lunches. I understand that DC may be hard for some of this but your husband needs to kick his fun to the curb and concentrate on the child.

3) Why doesn't your husband work? I don't say this to be rude but am genuinely asking. I don't know if this is the case but many men take working and providing seriously. Maybe his lack of motivation with the child isn't on purpose but a reaction (and not a good one) to being depressed or feeling like a failure since you are bringing home the bacon. Does he want to go back to work?

4) Nagging never solves anything. Believe me, I wear the Queen Nag crown. I have learned that my husband has a button that turns off and he doesn't hear me when I start on him about something that I have said over and over and over. I know him not listening isn't a good thing but I think it is often times the way I communicate my feelings. I'm a bulldozer kind of person and like to tell it like it is. You wouldn't believe how much our approach matters to our men. And, they really take value to what we say. Could he really not understand the speech delay? Could he really not be cut out for this arrangement? Could he be feeling poorly about himself and not able to voice that to you? How do you come to him and talk to him about these issues? Are you being supportive? Are you letting your resentment and annoyances build up?

[Anonymous]

create a mutually agreeable checklist. maybe he's a list guy. Get a basket to throw all his crap in as a quick declutter device.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do my own laundry, fix my own meals (microwave something and fix vegetables), and pay half of the bills. I also fix DC's breakfast every morning and get him dressed. On the weekends, I usually spend half a day cleaning (I don't think DH knows where the toilet brush even lives), the place is in a constant state of clutter (none of it mine or DC's), repairs get completed after a few months, and none of the speech therapy ideas get done, but DC watches a lot of TV and spends a lot of time in a playpen.

DH gets groceries about 90% of the time, does the dishes, does his laundry and DC's, does the repairs around the house (eventually), and pays his half of the bills. He also does almost all of the appointments (car repairs, post office, etc.).

I really want him to do more during the day, especially with DC, and would like him to do things without being asked 50 times. I genuinely don't want to be a nag or put too an unfair amount on his plate, but I feel like he puts me in a position where I have no choice. Asking nicely is just ignored.

It sounds like he does a lot of the housework. Caring for a child takes time.
My husband stays at home. U do most of the laundry - because I want to do it my way. He cooks, does dishes, appointments, home repair. I don't dictate to him what his schedule is or how to do dishes. I'm happy he fixes things - even of it takes a few weeks.
A toddler is a handful. They need constant attention. Take a breath and be appreciative of what he does.

I agree with this. Your DH is already doing a lot - it would be great if contributed a little more to dinner prep but I wouldn't focus on that. As kids get older and can entertain themselves more, that will become easier. Let the clutter go. Hire a housecleaner, even 1x/month will make a different. When you are home, parenting and household responsibilities should be 50/50. Focus on encouraging speech therapy and one outing a day for DC - to park, music class, play date, speech therapy etc. How old is DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do my own laundry, fix my own meals (microwave something and fix vegetables), and pay half of the bills. I also fix DC's breakfast every morning and get him dressed. On the weekends, I usually spend half a day cleaning (I don't think DH knows where the toilet brush even lives), the place is in a constant state of clutter (none of it mine or DC's), repairs get completed after a few months, and none of the speech therapy ideas get done, but DC watches a lot of TV and spends a lot of time in a playpen.

DH gets groceries about 90% of the time, does the dishes, does his laundry and DC's, does the repairs around the house (eventually), and pays his half of the bills. He also does almost all of the appointments (car repairs, post office, etc.).

I really want him to do more during the day, especially with DC, and would like him to do things without being asked 50 times. I genuinely don't want to be a nag or put too an unfair amount on his plate, but I feel like he puts me in a position where I have no choice. Asking nicely is just ignored.

It sounds like he does a lot of the housework. Caring for a child takes time.
My husband stays at home. U do most of the laundry - because I want to do it my way. He cooks, does dishes, appointments, home repair. I don't dictate to him what his schedule is or how to do dishes. I'm happy he fixes things - even of it takes a few weeks.
A toddler is a handful. They need constant attention. Take a breath and be appreciative of what he does.

I agree with this. Your DH is already doing a lot - it would be great if contributed a little more to dinner prep but I wouldn't focus on that. As kids get older and can entertain themselves more, that will become easier. Let the clutter go. Hire a housecleaner, even 1x/month will make a different. When you are home, parenting and household responsibilities should be 50/50. Focus on encouraging speech therapy and one outing a day for DC - to park, music class, play date, speech therapy etc. How old is DC?

And limit screen time, for sure. Your DH should be taking DC out, playing together with DC at home, or setting DC up to play on own while DH gets shit done around house (not parking in front of TV! or TV max 30 mins/day, not sure how old DC is?)

[Anonymous]

My husband is a stay at home dad. He does all child care, including school drop off for our oldest. Breakfast for both kids, lunch for our toddler, takes him to the playground or to story time at the library and the occasional play date.

He does all the dishes and keeps the kitchen clean, picks up in the living room and generally keeps the house tidy. (I generally vacuum clean). He handles all day time appointments and does all laundry (why divide laundry up, that seems strange).

I pay the bills, go grocery shopping and cook dinner. He picks up other items, as needed during the week. He also typically works during naptime.

The kids do watch about 20 minutes of TV when the oldest gets home from school. I'd prefer that this doesn't happen, but I'm not up for an argument about it, and often they go to the park instead. That said, both of my children have been late talkers (though oldest has more than caught up now and is very academically advanced). I'm pushing my husband to talk and play more with the youngest, but he may just not be ready to talk much yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Errands, all appointments, laundry, cleaning, picking up, dinner on the table at 6.

...and all set to rock DW's world in bed when she comes home from a hard day's work.

Actually research shows that the more housework a man does, the less sex a couple has.

[Anonymous]

What ever works in your situation. You are a partnership. Not all will pull equal share at all time. You have to make concessions for each other all the time, does not matter who does what %age of work - together you should equal 100%.

[Anonymous]

My DH lost his job over the summer and we decided he'd SAH for a while. We have 3 kids ages 10-7 and two of them have multiple therapy appointments during the week. FWIW, one has a communication disorder that signficantly affects his expressive/receptive language and he goes to speech therapy twice a week.

My DH has ADHD and we've learned that if he doesn't have a list of things to do, nothing gets done. Understandably, it caused problems in our relationship because with one parent home, I was expecting to carry less of the household chore load. DH wasn't happy either. On a different thread, I saw someone had posted info regarding an Activity Log. You basically fill out how you spent your time during the day, rated how you felt while doing it and rated your sense of accomplishment. It's really helped DH see how he spent his time and where he had some black holes (like thinking he was on the Internet for only a few minutes when it was really 2 hours). That has helped him stay on track. I also provide him a detailed list of things that need to be done. It includes basic things like giving kids their meds in the morning and making sure one of the kids sits on the toilet before leaving for school and first thing when he gets home (he has bowel issues) to starting laundry to replacing light bulbs.

I know some might think that it's controlling. It's not. DH's strength is not in organization and planning. That's not a criticism, it's a fact. I'm good at organization and planning so we each do what we're good at. I make lists of things that need to be done and he gets them done. We're both happier with the results because the things that need getting done, get done. Our home life is a lot smoother now and we have more free time in the evenings and weekends.

[Anonymous]

Just put up the baby gate when he is not at home on the weekend. Who cares if he gets mad?

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? if 1 to 1.5 years speech delayed, I'm imagining at least 2.5 Who puts a 2.5 year old in a playpen? ????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? if 1 to 1.5 years speech delayed, I'm imagining at least 2.5 Who puts a 2.5 year old in a playpen? ????

DC is almost 2 and came in at 6-9 months on speech scale. As for PP, DH doesn't have hobbies or activities and seldom leaves the house on his own. By seldom, I mean years ago...that is a whole different issue.