What to think of families who never reciprocate playdates?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. I think it's actually easier to host. Kid just shows up, they play, they leave. Maybe you serve a snack. Last play date I invited a girl over and her mom actually requested it at their home so she didn't have to bring the 2yo along.

Ive always just thought of playdates as casual playtime that involves a drive. No need for anything elaborate!

Whoops, realized pp wasn't whom I thought. I mean, I agree that I could care less who's hosting and who's driving. I think it's pretty equal and does not create an obligation.

Also, my daughter requests who she wants to have over. I'd never insist on a particular playdate just to reciprocate. She has four or five good friends at school. We can generally manage a playdate every other weekend,so it takes a few months to see everyone even once.

You sound nasty. I host playdates and make sure I host every girl throughout the course of the year. Why? Because I encourage my dd to play with everyone and I see how it's easier for some girls to mix. My daughter is outgoing/popular so she would be fine with her little group but that is not the right way to go and I am raising her to be nice. We go to a private school and have wealth and I notice the parents who just stick in their little snobby group. I don't want my dd to grow up like that so she is encouraged to play with everyone. I have also noticed a lot of nice friendships develop that might not otherwise due to life circumstance. I will also add that I am not offended if a playdate isn't reciprocated--I get that some people may feel funny about their home or work so much that their time off is precious. As long as people are nice we are good.

You sound nuts. We both work and can host/attend 1-2 play date a month. Sorry, I'm not go to helicopter my daughters play dates. I have no idea of the household income of her friends. Glad you are encouraging your daughter to play with those not as "wealthy and popular" as she is. Maybe if you paid less attention to those things she'll have a chance to grow up nicer than her mom.

Sorry you are mean..own it. Work has nothing to do with encouraging your child to play with everyone. I do pay attention..that's why I am a good mom, I don't live in a bubble and I am not going to pretend that I don't know which areas are clearly not wealthy. The address list is sent out in the beggining of each year. I am also present enough to see which girls are a bit shy (this is not a socio economic thing) , might have a little social awkwardness..and I make a point to talk to my child about looking out for everyone..I am raising a child to be a good person longterm. I don't care about winning a popularity context. If I rubbed pp the wrong way it's because she knows that she is self involved..there is too much of this. I worry for our future if everyone continues to just say "well my kid is happy whatever on the rest"--bad idea.

Busted. I'm totally mean. Because when my daughter asks if Suzy can come over and play, I email Suzy's mom and ask if she wants to drop her by for a few hours this weekend or the next. I'll immediately go research the address list to see who lives in the good neighborhoods, head over to the school to scope out who looks socially awkward, and explain to my special snowflake that rich, popular girls like herself need to make sure that everyone in the class gets a turn at the privledge of her company, and that this weeks Mommy has decided it's Anna's turn to come over. Got it.

Yup you are busted. I noticed you focused on neighborhoods completely missing the point--neighborhoods are only one factor. Bottom line is you should think about school friends more than just your snowflake. It is fine for Suzy to ask about a playdate with a friend and have said playdates but also important to encourage playdates with everyone. I notice that the wealthy group tends to be insular and the truth hurts so be it. To act as if you are clueless is just dishonest. To also act like you have no idea who the girls are who are struggling is either dishonest or you are out of touch..both bad. The reality is moms who don't encourage their kids to be nice and to look out for their classmates grow up to be equally self centered adults. Frankly those shy classmates may just be the brightest and your child may benefit from a relationship with someone who is shy and maybe more socially awkward. I want to stress that I am not saying that anyone's daughter doesn't have favorite friends...that is normal but too many moms just think of their own kid and don't go beyond that. This is also beyond playdates this is also "how was school..tell me about so and so I don't hear you talking about her. Maybe it would be nice to get to know her better etc etc. You reach out to so and sos mom and if a playdate doesn't work for either of your schedules you ask if maybe a little time after school on the playground would work. For working moms I tend to offer to do something at school and then bring the friend back to aftercare..this is not rocket science. And if both kids are in aftercare maybe playdates aren't necessary but asking and encouraging friends and making sure you post at bday parties is also important. I realize this is goes right over pp head but figure this might make someone reading think twice.

Weird. And what adult uses the word popular?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why no one would find playdates important. It is a crucial part of being a human being. Hell, they even have dog parks for dog socialization. You know, so they don't act like...well, animals.

In my opinion kids get way too much socialization, and not enough time with mom and dad or family. I am talking about kids who go to school of course. Both of my kids have been in full time daycare/preschool/elementary school since they were 5 months old. They also have weekend activities like sports or other academic programs with peers (well, the older one does, the younger one is still a baby). During winter or summer breaks, it's camp, basically a giant play date. If anything, I worry that I don't have enough time to be an important influence in their lives as they grow. I absolutely do not worry that they lack socialization and will act like animals.

[Anonymous]

Are you telling yourself, PP?