What to think of families who never reciprocate playdates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. I think it's actually easier to host. Kid just shows up, they play, they leave. Maybe you serve a snack. Last play date I invited a girl over and her mom actually requested it at their home so she didn't have to bring the 2yo along.

Ive always just thought of playdates as casual playtime that involves a drive. No need for anything elaborate!

Whoops, realized pp wasn't whom I thought. I mean, I agree that I could care less who's hosting and who's driving. I think it's pretty equal and does not create an obligation.

Also, my daughter requests who she wants to have over. I'd never insist on a particular playdate just to reciprocate. She has four or five good friends at school. We can generally manage a playdate every other weekend,so it takes a few months to see everyone even once.

You sound nasty. I host playdates and make sure I host every girl throughout the course of the year. Why? Because I encourage my dd to play with everyone and I see how it's easier for some girls to mix. My daughter is outgoing/popular so she would be fine with her little group but that is not the right way to go and I am raising her to be nice. We go to a private school and have wealth and I notice the parents who just stick in their little snobby group. I don't want my dd to grow up like that so she is encouraged to play with everyone. I have also noticed a lot of nice friendships develop that might not otherwise due to life circumstance. I will also add that I am not offended if a playdate isn't reciprocated--I get that some people may feel funny about their home or work so much that their time off is precious. As long as people are nice we are good.

You sound nuts. We both work and can host/attend 1-2 play date a month. Sorry, I'm not go to helicopter my daughters play dates. I have no idea of the household income of her friends. Glad you are encouraging your daughter to play with those not as "wealthy and popular" as she is. Maybe if you paid less attention to those things she'll have a chance to grow up nicer than her mom.

Sorry you are mean..own it. Work has nothing to do with encouraging your child to play with everyone. I do pay attention..that's why I am a good mom, I don't live in a bubble and I am not going to pretend that I don't know which areas are clearly not wealthy. The address list is sent out in the beggining of each year. I am also present enough to see which girls are a bit shy (this is not a socio economic thing) , might have a little social awkwardness..and I make a point to talk to my child about looking out for everyone..I am raising a child to be a good person longterm. I don't care about winning a popularity context. If I rubbed pp the wrong way it's because she knows that she is self involved..there is too much of this. I worry for our future if everyone continues to just say "well my kid is happy whatever on the rest"--bad idea.

Busted. I'm totally mean. Because when my daughter asks if Suzy can come over and play, I email Suzy's mom and ask if she wants to drop her by for a few hours this weekend or the next. I'll immediately go research the address list to see who lives in the good neighborhoods, head over to the school to scope out who looks socially awkward, and explain to my special snowflake that rich, popular girls like herself need to make sure that everyone in the class gets a turn at the privledge of her company, and that this weeks Mommy has decided it's Anna's turn to come over. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe their home is small, maybe they have nervous pets...

Doesn't matter to me. If they enjoy coming over and everyone has a good time, I'll keep inviting.

[Anonymous]

We are terrible about inviting DD's friends to play. We both work full time out of the house. That means weekends are spent running errands and doing chores. And some family time. I battled with depression for the first 7 years of DD's life (still probably battling, but it's improved some). I'm an off-the-chart introvert. We also did very little child-proofing of our home, as DD doesn't have a problem following rules and not playing with the crystal, throwing balls inside, jumping on the sofa, etc. Our tile floor has huge chips in it from the visitor who dropped handweights on it. Never occurred to me to hide the handweights! We also have dogs who are rather intimidating to strangers. And some of DD's friends are either allergic to dogs or terrified (to the point of crying hysterically) of them. Those are all contributing factors to our not hosting as often as we should.

So... we really do intend on doing a better job of reciprocating, but it doesn't always happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are terrible about inviting DD's friends to play. We both work full time out of the house. That means weekends are spent running errands and doing chores. And some family time. I battled with depression for the first 7 years of DD's life (still probably battling, but it's improved some). I'm an off-the-chart introvert. We also did very little child-proofing of our home, as DD doesn't have a problem following rules and not playing with the crystal, throwing balls inside, jumping on the sofa, etc. Our tile floor has huge chips in it from the visitor who dropped handweights on it. Never occurred to me to hide the handweights! We also have dogs who are rather intimidating to strangers. And some of DD's friends are either allergic to dogs or terrified (to the point of crying hysterically) of them. Those are all contributing factors to our not hosting as often as we should.

So... we really do intend on doing a better job of reciprocating, but it doesn't always happen.

Change "dogs" to "cats" and "7yoDD" to "6yoDD" and you pretty much have described our lifestyle to a "t"!!

[Anonymous]

We have a tiny apartment and host playdates. I don't care if other people don't reciprocate -- I figure they have their reasons, and I'm not going to take it personally or get offended. Who has the time and energy to worry about stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

I have been on both sides of this. For a long time we lived in a small condo that was not conducive to hosting playdates. Just not enough space to do it comfortably. I felt really bad about not being able to reciprocate. We have since moved and now have a huge playroom and yard that is perfect for hosting so we do it all the time. I have also noticed that the playdates are not recriprocated very frequently, if at all in some cases, but I just presume it is because they have some reason for not wanting to host. They are always happy to come to our place. I just don't worry about it too much.

[Anonymous]

When are most of you doing playdates? I don't generally host playdates because DH and I both work full-time and weekend time is mostly for us as a family. We got to kid's birthday parties and soccer games but I actually don't like to give up too much family time on the weekends. Oldest child is only 5, though, so he might care more about having friends over as he gets older. For now, he's happy hanging out with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. I think it's actually easier to host. Kid just shows up, they play, they leave. Maybe you serve a snack. Last play date I invited a girl over and her mom actually requested it at their home so she didn't have to bring the 2yo along.

Ive always just thought of playdates as casual playtime that involves a drive. No need for anything elaborate!

Whoops, realized pp wasn't whom I thought. I mean, I agree that I could care less who's hosting and who's driving. I think it's pretty equal and does not create an obligation.

Also, my daughter requests who she wants to have over. I'd never insist on a particular playdate just to reciprocate. She has four or five good friends at school. We can generally manage a playdate every other weekend,so it takes a few months to see everyone even once.

You sound nasty. I host playdates and make sure I host every girl throughout the course of the year. Why? Because I encourage my dd to play with everyone and I see how it's easier for some girls to mix. My daughter is outgoing/popular so she would be fine with her little group but that is not the right way to go and I am raising her to be nice. We go to a private school and have wealth and I notice the parents who just stick in their little snobby group. I don't want my dd to grow up like that so she is encouraged to play with everyone. I have also noticed a lot of nice friendships develop that might not otherwise due to life circumstance. I will also add that I am not offended if a playdate isn't reciprocated--I get that some people may feel funny about their home or work so much that their time off is precious. As long as people are nice we are good.

You sound nuts. We both work and can host/attend 1-2 play date a month. Sorry, I'm not go to helicopter my daughters play dates. I have no idea of the household income of her friends. Glad you are encouraging your daughter to play with those not as "wealthy and popular" as she is. Maybe if you paid less attention to those things she'll have a chance to grow up nicer than her mom.

Sorry you are mean..own it. Work has nothing to do with encouraging your child to play with everyone. I do pay attention..that's why I am a good mom, I don't live in a bubble and I am not going to pretend that I don't know which areas are clearly not wealthy. The address list is sent out in the beggining of each year. I am also present enough to see which girls are a bit shy (this is not a socio economic thing) , might have a little social awkwardness..and I make a point to talk to my child about looking out for everyone..I am raising a child to be a good person longterm. I don't care about winning a popularity context. If I rubbed pp the wrong way it's because she knows that she is self involved..there is too much of this. I worry for our future if everyone continues to just say "well my kid is happy whatever on the rest"--bad idea.

I have to agree with the other poster, you very self-centered. "Im raising my child to be a good person by forcing her to be friends with the poor people"

How about you just let her be friends with whomever and maybe she won't care about who is rich or poor. Forcing her into friendships because she has to be friends with poor people to isn't the way to go about it.

You freak me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do host playdates with a few families whose company I enjoy and whose kids play well with my kids. If I don't want them to come over to my house, I suggest meeting up at the playground or at a jumping place or gym etc.
It signals that I'm interested in having our kids play together but don't have the time to clean up my house or if DH is doing a home improvement project.

I personally find playdates appealing because it gives my kids social interaction that they enjoy and gives me some much needed adult conversation.

I understand that pets, small houses, messy houses, etc may mean you don't want people over--but this PP hits the nail on the head. Do a playdate somewhere other than your house. Offer to take the kids somewhere fun (doesn't have to be costly). There are ways to host that don't require having people in your home.

[Anonymous]

I rarely host play dates because I don't have the spare time or energy. Two FT working parents, 4 kids. None of my children are lacking in socialization - school, preschool, parks, kid-friendly events, tons of sibling interaction.

I don't have enough eyes or hands to keep track of the play date kid(s) plus my own, as most of the weekend time is all about getting done the tasks we can't get to during the week. The SAH crowd lives in a different world in this respect. For us, weekends are incredibly busy already and adding a okay date is HARD.

[Anonymous]

*okay date = play date. Thank you iPhone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. I think it's actually easier to host. Kid just shows up, they play, they leave. Maybe you serve a snack. Last play date I invited a girl over and her mom actually requested it at their home so she didn't have to bring the 2yo along.

Ive always just thought of playdates as casual playtime that involves a drive. No need for anything elaborate!

Whoops, realized pp wasn't whom I thought. I mean, I agree that I could care less who's hosting and who's driving. I think it's pretty equal and does not create an obligation.

Also, my daughter requests who she wants to have over. I'd never insist on a particular playdate just to reciprocate. She has four or five good friends at school. We can generally manage a playdate every other weekend,so it takes a few months to see everyone even once.

You sound nasty. I host playdates and make sure I host every girl throughout the course of the year. Why? Because I encourage my dd to play with everyone and I see how it's easier for some girls to mix. My daughter is outgoing/popular so she would be fine with her little group but that is not the right way to go and I am raising her to be nice. We go to a private school and have wealth and I notice the parents who just stick in their little snobby group. I don't want my dd to grow up like that so she is encouraged to play with everyone. I have also noticed a lot of nice friendships develop that might not otherwise due to life circumstance. I will also add that I am not offended if a playdate isn't reciprocated--I get that some people may feel funny about their home or work so much that their time off is precious. As long as people are nice we are good.

You sound nuts. We both work and can host/attend 1-2 play date a month. Sorry, I'm not go to helicopter my daughters play dates. I have no idea of the household income of her friends. Glad you are encouraging your daughter to play with those not as "wealthy and popular" as she is. Maybe if you paid less attention to those things she'll have a chance to grow up nicer than her mom.

Sorry you are mean..own it. Work has nothing to do with encouraging your child to play with everyone. I do pay attention..that's why I am a good mom, I don't live in a bubble and I am not going to pretend that I don't know which areas are clearly not wealthy. The address list is sent out in the beggining of each year. I am also present enough to see which girls are a bit shy (this is not a socio economic thing) , might have a little social awkwardness..and I make a point to talk to my child about looking out for everyone..I am raising a child to be a good person longterm. I don't care about winning a popularity context. If I rubbed pp the wrong way it's because she knows that she is self involved..there is too much of this. I worry for our future if everyone continues to just say "well my kid is happy whatever on the rest"--bad idea.

Busted. I'm totally mean. Because when my daughter asks if Suzy can come over and play, I email Suzy's mom and ask if she wants to drop her by for a few hours this weekend or the next. I'll immediately go research the address list to see who lives in the good neighborhoods, head over to the school to scope out who looks socially awkward, and explain to my special snowflake that rich, popular girls like herself need to make sure that everyone in the class gets a turn at the privledge of her company, and that this weeks Mommy has decided it's Anna's turn to come over. Got it.

Yup you are busted. I noticed you focused on neighborhoods completely missing the point--neighborhoods are only one factor. Bottom line is you should think about school friends more than just your snowflake. It is fine for Suzy to ask about a playdate with a friend and have said playdates but also important to encourage playdates with everyone. I notice that the wealthy group tends to be insular and the truth hurts so be it. To act as if you are clueless is just dishonest. To also act like you have no idea who the girls are who are struggling is either dishonest or you are out of touch..both bad. The reality is moms who don't encourage their kids to be nice and to look out for their classmates grow up to be equally self centered adults. Frankly those shy classmates may just be the brightest and your child may benefit from a relationship with someone who is shy and maybe more socially awkward. I want to stress that I am not saying that anyone's daughter doesn't have favorite friends...that is normal but too many moms just think of their own kid and don't go beyond that. This is also beyond playdates this is also "how was school..tell me about so and so I don't hear you talking about her. Maybe it would be nice to get to know her better etc etc. You reach out to so and sos mom and if a playdate doesn't work for either of your schedules you ask if maybe a little time after school on the playground would work. For working moms I tend to offer to do something at school and then bring the friend back to aftercare..this is not rocket science. And if both kids are in aftercare maybe playdates aren't necessary but asking and encouraging friends and making sure you post at bday parties is also important. I realize this is goes right over pp head but figure this might make someone reading think twice.

[Anonymous]

I have definitely reciprocated play dates, but frankly it has always been because I didn't want people to think I was rude. Frankly if I could get away without taking my DD to playdates or hosting them, I would. She is in elementary school and goes to aftercare. I feel like she gets a lot of time with her friends, and weekends are just too short, with chores, errands and activities. It is hard enough getting together with other family friends and there is just not enough time.

Besides time, other concerns I have had are:

We used to live too far out and don't want to inconvenience anyone
Now we live closer in, but in an apartment - not a lot of space, no yard, and not a lot of toys
DD has a baby brother, and things still sort of revolve around his schedule and nap times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have elementary aged kids and there are always parents like that, OP. It sucks and is tiresome.

Actually, I am wondering about all of the social deficiencies that might contribute to this. Maybe its another thread, but no one has studied this?

I don't understand why no one would find playdates important. It is a crucial part of being a human being. Hell, they even have dog parks for dog socialization. You know, so they don't act like...well, animals.

People who think they will be successful in their world, in their own shell, only amongst their own, are sorely mistaken. Socialization is crucial, there is absolutely no getting around it.

DH and I never had playdates. Our four children have never had playdates. Our two oldest, 9 and 7, go to school. Our youngest two, 4 and 2, go to the park with their nanny five days a week.

Are you super religious or something?

No. DS#1 occasionally has a friend or two over. DS#2 gets his social needs met at school. I've never felt the need to orchestrate friendships for my children.

[Anonymous]

I am so happy we have tons of kids the same ages (or a grade or two on either side) living in the streets around us. No planning. The boys see each other at school pick up or meet up after getting off the bus. They organically evolve with no planning ahead. I WAH and many moms also WAh, work part-time, SAh or have a sitter so it is just yelling across the street or knocking on our door like we did as kids.

We also will have short 20 min ones after homework and before heading to practice, etc.

My problem is with the "arranging" ones. We are so damn busy I don't like to be tied down. We've been getting a lot of requests lately from kids that aren't walking distance and I'm not as crazy about those--means I'll have to get in a car, drag sibling out for pick up, etc.

I love the old school way.