Mother extremely angry over DC's name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)

I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"

No! Please do not cave into your manipulative mom! This will only positively reinforce her bad behavior. If you cave, get ready for more blackmailing down the road!

[Anonymous]

Actually, this reminds me of something that happened to my cousin. Her FIL (traditional Asian culture) showed up at around 8 months with an envelope with the names (first and middle) he had picked out for her twins. They were awful (but really, that's irrelevant, I suppose). I think they really thought my cousin would use them too!

When the kids were born, they were deeply upset that their chosen names were not used. I don't think there was a scene at the hospital, but my cousin let her husband handle that one.

Fast forward several years. Her ILs have continued their controlling ways and the result is that they just don't see their grandkids very often (and only live 2 hours away).

[Anonymous]

OP, pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Your mother's reaction is completely inappropriate and disproportional. She had her chance to name a baby, and now it's your turn to name your baby whatever you want to. It's just a name, for pete's sake; why has she gone off the deep end?

[Anonymous]

I'm late to the party but its your kid. She wants to name a kid, tell her she can have her own. Also she'll get over it, if she doesn't, she will just not spend time with the grand kids and its her choice to do so, not yours.

[Anonymous]

This really is pretty straightforward. You and your husband have the right to decide on the names of your offspring.

She has the right to take offense and cut off contact with you or minimize contact with you. So if you believe that may be the ultimate outcome, are you willing to live with the situation or will you regret it in the future? How exactly she will proceed and how it will impact you is only something that you are qualified to evaluate.

We all have to make choices in life .......... it applies to you and to your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: @14"05 and pp she quoted: My relationship with my mom has always been filled with lots of drama. I understand what you're saying and believe me I've considered changing it to the family name just to end the drama. But, I think the damage is already done and also my DH told his parents the name after I told mine and they really like it.

At this point, I'm considering just changing it to something completely different. I talked to my mom today and she basically said this has caused a rift and there's pretty much there is nothing I can do, because even if I change it to the family name, she'll always remember that I considered not using it.

I hope her feelings will fade with time because I think her reaction is disproportionate to the situation.

That's really terrible (not to mention completely ridiculous). Your mom sounds just like the mom of a friend of mine. No matter what my friend does, her mom twists it to be all about her, the mom, and how much my friend supposedly is trying to hurt her. Gets her hair cut? She was trying to hurt her mom's feelings by not consulting her on the style. Doesn't get it cut? Deliberately making herself look frumpy so her mom will look bad in front of her friends. (However that works.) Etc. Insane, insane stuff that normal people don't understand at all. I almost wouldn't believe it if I hadn't witnessed some of it when we were in high school. Your mom's statement that no matter what you do, you have already caused damage, is the same thing. Her reaction isn't just disproportionate, it is crazy and abnormal. You are used to it somewhat so you probably don't realize just how abnormal it is. But as you note, there's nothing you can do at this point. Don't give in -- it won't help. Do what you want to do, and salvage your relationship with your mom as best you can. FWIW, my friend has pretty much stopped speaking with her mom altogether; she sends a card for holidays and birthdays and that's about it. Periodically her mom makes overtures but they always start with the assumption that my friend will grovel and apologize for every real and imagined slight for the past 5 years, so that has never gone anywhere. It sounds like your relationship has survived much better and longer and that is good, but only if it doesn't drive you, your hubsand, and your baby nuts. If it does, you ultimately have to protect yourself and the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really is pretty straightforward. You and your husband have the right to decide on the names of your offspring.

You and your DH are the parents. Only YOU can choose the name of your child. It's not up to your mother as it's not her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if she has dementia. A normal person does not act that way over something so trivial. Would she really limit her own access to her grandchild because of something so stupid?

See if you can get your dad to take her to a therapist. Seriously.

OP here. I don't think it's dementia. She's always been into emotional blackmail. She has a lot of the traits of the 'engulfing mother' on the daughters of narcissistic mothers website. She remembers things in a manner that suits her and then tells everyone else that they're wrong if they try to tell her what really happened, she's done this for as long as I can remember. If I disagree with her, she can't imagine that I would do so out of free will and blames external sources (friends, the media, especially DH).

But, I totally agree that she needs therapy and/or medication. I've suggested it in the past but she doesn't think there is anything wrong. My dad has a hard time standing up to her, unfortunately.

I think in the end she will want to be around DC and try to act like a civil human being, but I don't think things will ever be the same between us. She'll always hold a grudge over the name and probably make remarks about it for the rest of her life. She'll probably always cause drama w/ DH's family. And, I'll always remember how she acted right before DC was born.

Having a baby is supposed to be an exciting, happy time. Instead, I'm just sad, disappointed, and above all angry. I'm trying not to let her ruin the experience for me but it's very hard.

Wow, this really struck me, I lived with this for so long with MIL blaming me for DH's life choices, it's awful!

[Anonymous]

Well, it's already permanently ruined in her mind, right? So go with the name you chose and take this as an eye-opener about what NPD really looks like. Consider seeing a therapist to support you on this parenting journey and help you with the oodles of boundaries you are going to need to set if you don't want to let your family life be all about your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it's already permanently ruined in her mind, right? So go with the name you chose and take this as an eye-opener about what NPD really looks like. Consider seeing a therapist to support you on this parenting journey and help you with the oodles of boundaries you are going to need to set if you don't want to let your family life be all about your mother.

OP here. I'm looking for a therapist. I hope I can find one with experience treating people with crazy mothers.

[Anonymous]

I can barely remember my middle sometimes. I would assign no value to your mom's drama. If she is a true narcissist, she will move on to something else when she realizes you aren't going to change name. I have been there done that--therapy is the best thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)

I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"

No! Please do not cave into your manipulative mom! This will only positively reinforce her bad behavior. If you cave, get ready for more blackmailing down the road!

The approach I suggested (an informal middle name) is not caving. It is a gesture of compromise. If I've learned anything over my 55 years, it is that you can't fight unreasonableness with a response of the same nature. Identifying the crux of the problem and suggesting a solution can be disarming, and in any case will give you peace of mind that you did all you could. If you refuse to 'cave' in any way at all it will leave neither of you any options for a future relationship. If that's what you want, okay, but it's not a creative solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your child have a second middle name, just informally? Not the same thing at all, but sometimes people can be mollified. Granted, she is behaving abominably but there may be other reasons and it may require some Tai Chi solution like that. You could make an embroidered pillow with the four names and that might be something to show you care about her wishes. Years from now maybe you all can laugh about the kerfuffle (if she recovers her senses.)

I had a couple of close calls with what my kids would call my grandparents. I wanted them to call my mom 'Grandma' and my MIL 'Nana' so they would be clearly differentiated for the little kids. My mom already had been "Gramma" to a passel of kids. But for my MIL, my child was her first grandchild and she wanted to be Grandma or "Gramma" in the worst way. Thankfully my mom agreed they would be "Nana and Granddad" to my kids, despite being Gramma to 9 others. It was all a tempest in a teapot and I'm sheepish. Years later, yes---we laugh about it. Like when my mom calls the kids and says "It's Gramma!" and the kids correct her: "You mean, Nana?"

No! Please do not cave into your manipulative mom! This will only positively reinforce her bad behavior. If you cave, get ready for more blackmailing down the road!

The approach I suggested (an informal middle name) is not caving. It is a gesture of compromise. If I've learned anything over my 55 years, it is that you can't fight unreasonableness with a response of the same nature. Identifying the crux of the problem and suggesting a solution can be disarming, and in any case will give you peace of mind that you did all you could. If you refuse to 'cave' in any way at all it will leave neither of you any options for a future relationship. If that's what you want, okay, but it's not a creative solution.

I don't think that in all of your 55 years you have encountered somebody with NPD or BPD like OPs mother. If you had, then you would know that caving on the name is not any kind of solution at all - the mother will find some reason that caving is evidence of how the world is out to get her, or will move on to the next crazy thing. And anyway, it is not a reasonable compromise to change your baby's name because your mother had a fit! That would be knuckling under to craziness - not compromise. What you don't get is that you cannot compromise with these kinds of people because it is always, always all about them.

[Anonymous]

Why are you mom and mil in the same settings so often? I think the only times our parents have seen each other were once before wedding, at bridal shower, at wedding, at baby shower. We alternate houses for holidays. Do all three of you live in the same town and are both you and your husband only children? Even for friends that have both families in the same town they would do thanksgiving early with one family and later with the other family. Stop trying to blend your extended families. Not everyone meshes and your mother doesn't want a relationship with your husbands family, fine.

Do not cave on the name. This is your child. Stop discussing it with her. For then next child do not discuss the name before birth.