Mother extremely angry over DC's name
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Anonymous
Are you kidding? All the worst narcissists I know (MIL, best friend from college's mother, grad school roommate) are white women from good long New England stock. Bat. Shit. Crazy. |
Anonymous
| hmmmm....mom might need to think about how un-Christianly her behavior has been over this. Hypocrite. |
Anonymous
+1 Do not engage with crazy. |
Anonymous
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OP, sorry that you have to deal with this just before birth. If your mom will listen, tell her that knowing that this might be your only child you wanted to make sure to respect both you and your husband's families. That is why YOU (e.g. "I") chose a name similar to your ("Mom's") family middle name and also one that is traditional in DH's family. We will probably not have another chance to honor his side of the family so I tried to honor both sides of the family. Also point out to her how unfair she is being in blaming DH for your decision. Try framing it this way and maybe she'll relent a little on the childish behavior towards your DH.
If she won't listen or cooperate, is there a family member she is close to? Say a sister, her mother, an aunt or cousin who can help? I know that you said that your mother has been so upset she won't broach this with her extended family. But if you could approach someone that she will listen to and trust, try to enlist that person, tell her the issues that you may not have another child and want to honor both sides of the family in case this is the only grandchild from your union, and have her help you talk down your mother from the ledge. Good luck and sending thoughts your way. No one really needs such family drama at any time, but especially not this close to birth. |
Anonymous
| PP (12:56), that's kind and sane advice, but at this point I would advocate that you not try and explain anything else to your mother. It only fuels the fire. the fact that you want to also "honor" your husband's family will only add to her entitled outrage. she has exhibited inexcusable behavior at this point and deserves no more explanation. At least that is my view. OP, try to deflect this situation...you are so close to giving birth...your health and the health of your baby are the priority...not you mother. How dare she? |
Anonymous
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If this kind of behavior is not typical of your mother, I don't think this is so much about the name as the fact that her upset about the name is a convenient outlet for her full set of emotions about becoming a grandparent (worry about you, worry about the baby, anxiety about getting older, concerns about legacy).
Particularly with you so close to your due date, I think it's likely that's what happened here. I hope your mom gets over herself soon before she irreparably damages your relationship...I'm really sorry. |
Anonymous
| Unless your mother has made peace with this before your baby is born, you should consider at what point you will call her to tell her that you're in labor. If she's going to arrive at the hospital and launch into gripes about the baby's name or if she can't be trusted to treat your husband, the father of your baby, with respect and kindness then you really shouldn't let her know about the baby's arrival until YOU are ready to have her there in whatever form she arrives in. Good luck. |
Anonymous
OP, I'm sorry your mom is batshit crazy right now, and I hope the sanity fairy visits her real soon. 
Stay strong, and give her space to do all her complaining to someone other than you. Your mother had the chance to name her children, and now this is your chance. I can suggest though, that perhaps your mom is like mine. My mother didn't get to wear the wedding dress she wanted to wear, and when we started talking about MY wedding she began saying things about doing it her way and how my wedding is really for the bride's mother, not the bride. I finally told her that if that's truly how she feels, then I will be happy to pay for the entire wedding myself in order to maintain control, and she'd be lucky to even get an invite. That shut her up promptly. So maybe your mother was pressured into names for you, and she thought your baby would be her chance to make her own decisions, not realizing she can't live vicariously through you. Give her space, ignore her. Somebody else will help you when the baby is born if she hasn't come around yet. Hopefully her crazy will pass soon. Do not absorb this stress by trying to engage with her during The Crazy - she can't hear you. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry OP, that sounds awful, and unfair and very upsetting.
I like 13:36's advice about ignoring her and not engaging. You need to protect your nuclear family. We had some battles with our various parents/grandparents to be (not as harsh as this), and we had some similar nightmares before kids around marriage etc... My husband and I quickly learned that we needed to be a united front, and to protect ourselves and our vision for our family against everyone else's agenda, influence, best (or worst) intentions, etc... Consider this an unfortunate lesson, but a real opportunity, in terms of deciding how you and your husband want your family to be built and run. You and he set the rules and anyone who wants to be supportive and helpful - great. Anyone who is nasty, hurtful, aggressively pushing their own agenda, inappropriate or demeaning of you/your husband/your choices around your child/etc... is not welcome. Even (maybe even especially) if that's your mother. Heaven help you when you get to decisions about breastfeeding, nap schedules, feeding, childcare, discipline, etc... Consider this excellent preparation for all of those times when someone thinks you're doing it wrong. Good luck. And congratulations on your baby!! A newborn really is the ultimate tool for making grandparents come around if they have any shred of reason in them. I hope your mother sees the light and gets a grip. In the meantime just take care of your little family, whatever it means for you. |
Anonymous
| Don't "discuss" things with your mother ~ you "tell" and then drop it. Discuss it no more. |
Anonymous
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Add the name as a second middle on the birth certificate, and then forget about it. My sister did this to appease her DH's mother who insisted he use her late husband's name.
The kid is 12 now, and probably doesn't even know his second middle name is Gustavo. |
Anonymous
No, don't negotiate with terrorists. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Maybe I'm reading to much into this, but there seems to be more to the story.
For example, the way you say "her family" vs. my family. Your mothers family is your family (no matter how many times you've seen them) unless there is something else going on. My family (not from this country) has used the same middle name for the first born daughters for almost 300 years. We didn't use it. My mother was less upset then your mother seems to be. She needs to calm the fuck down. If I can go against 300 years of tradition, you can deal with it. Unless you are my pregnant cousin, then I really need to call my aunt. |
Anonymous
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I have nothing to offer but wanted to share that I think this thread is very helpful in general and particularly like 15:59. Some of you made me LOL |