Mother extremely angry over DC's name
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Anonymous
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DH and I decided to tell our parents DC's name. HUGE mistake, I should have listened to my friends who said it was never a good idea. Three out of four parents love the name.
My mother freaked out. I mean completley lost her shit. She hates DC's middle name and is extremely angry with me. There is a "family middle name" that a lot of women in her family give to their first born children and I chose not to use it because I didn't grow up around her family (I've met some of them only a handful of times, they live in another state) and didn't really feel an attachment to it. She and I both have the middle name, but her mother did not. She blames my husband for it when in actuality I chose the middle name, it is similar to both the "family" one and one in DH's family, and I thought it was a nice touch to name DC after both families. Especially since after DC is born, there is a high likelihood that I will be unable to have more children due to a medical problem. She basically never wants to see/speak to DH ever again because she is convinced that he bullied me into not using the name and there is no convincing her otherwise. (My parents live about 30 mins from us, so it will be hard for her to avoid DH entirely and interact w/ DC at the same time). Before this incident, she was planning to come help me with DC while I'm on leave, after DH went back to work. I don't see this happening now. She refuses to speak to me on the phone if DH is in the house. She's told my father that she doesn't even want to come to the hospital when DC is born, though he thinks she's just angry and ranting. She sees my choice of name as some kind of personal betrayal and thinks that I'm being selfish because I didn't take her feelings into account and I should have considered how hurt she'd be. She is also angry because now she will have to tell her family that I picked a different name. Honestly, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I really didn't expect this level of anger, it's disproportionate IMO. I figured she'd be a little disappointed, but would get over it since (1) it's my kid, not hers and (2) she got to name me whatever she wanted and I deserve the same courtesy. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have no idea how to address this situation. I'm hurt, disappointed in my mom, and very angry at her all at the same time. I don't know if there's a solution to this mess, I'm just venting and looking for support from other people with moms who are a similar type of crazy. 
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Anonymous
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(((Hugs))) Is there someone else in your mother's family that can talk with her and bring to reality?
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Anonymous
| I know that's your mom & all but... $&@' her. Also very wrong of you to let your husband take the lame being that she's so irrational. |
Anonymous
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You should listen when people with experience tell you something. It is hard to be mad at a baby that is here and named. It is easier to hate a name when the baby hasn't been born and there is a chance that you can change your mind.
You new moms need to learn how to calm down. |
Anonymous
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Wow. I'd say have a frank and calm conversation with her, letting her know just what you've said here. Tell her that you hope she can get past this and resume the good relationship you've had. Until then, let her rant and rave. If at all sane, she'll get over this.
I'd be perfectly clear though that it is NOT okay to blackball your husband, even if the middle name had been his choice (though it was not). That is not how reasonable adults behave. |
Anonymous
| Your mother is a narcissist...put yourself and your husband and your soon to be born child into an invisible bubble and let all negativity bounce off. I'm sorry you have to do this but it is the only thing to do. She will likely come around when she sees her new grandchild...but only let her in if she is a positive force. |
Anonymous
| My MIL was very upset about one of our children's names (similar situation though she never expressed a preference during the pregnancy and we didn't announce the name until after the child was born). The ILs tried to bully us into changing the child's middle name and we wouldn't. They have barely spoken to us or seen their grandchildren since (7 years). It's a very sad situation. |
Anonymous
Excellent advice We didn't say *()* about our name choices when we were expecting |
Anonymous
| It does sound like your mother is irrationally angry over it. You mentioned a medical condition--any chance she's worried about you and the impending birth, and is choosing this venue to channel some other feelings? I'd suggest letting her settle down for a day or two, and then going for a visit with her. |
Anonymous
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OP here:
First off, I'm not letting DH take the blame for this, I didn't mean my post to make it look that way. I've told her the name was my idea and to leave DH out of it. I've done nothing but defend him. She has chosen not to believe me and continues to blame DH. @ 11:00: my medical condition is not a serious one, it just makes it difficult to get pregnant. She knows this. @10:59: that's awful! I'm sorry your ILs chose to not be involved over a name choice. @10:57: I realize that I made a mistake telling my parents the name. But I really don't think I need to be told to "calm down." My dad told me that for the past week my mom has basically done nothing but scream at him about it and then sulk in a room by herself and said crazy shit about my DH and how she doesn't want to be around my DC. It's kind of hard not to be upset. *shrug* @10:56: my hope is that when she tells her family that I'm not using the name, they'll act like it's not a big deal and then she'll get over it. Right now she is too upset to tell anyone. |
Anonymous
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1) You need to let your mom know in no uncertain terms that the middle name choice was your idea, not your husband's. She'll get over it with you; she may hold a grudge against your DH and that's not fair.
2) Tell your mom that she is entitled to her opinion but ultimately the decision is between you & DH what to name your child. Tell her you hope that she will be able to put her feelings aside and fully welcome this new child and embrace her role as grandma. If she's not able to overcome her objections to the name, you understand and look forward to her joining in on the family action when she feels ready. Leave it at that. 3) When she does calm down, told her your thinking behind the name. While you didn't choose the exact middle name she had in middle, you did try to pay tribute to it along with a name from DH's side. She may be able to appreciate that when she's settled down. |
Anonymous
Sorry, I didn't see your post 2 minutes ago, ignore #1. |
Anonymous
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OP. Just refuse to discuss it. Let her own her own actions, you haven't done anything wrong.
If she starts to talk about anything related to the name, how she feels about the name end the conversation. Don't argue, discuss, placate, mediate, defend, negotiate etc... I think you make it clear you are a family unit. If she wants to be involved with DC then she needs to be pleasant and respectful to DH. Her being this angry over a name is a complete overreaction and it is important you don't give her any power based on this. Her anger has no merit. If she doesn't want to come to the hospital / visit - that is her choice. Hurtful to you but her choice. You don't want her in your house spouting anger. Say nothing about it, don't talk about it. Hopefully once the baby is born she will come around. |
Anonymous
OP here. I think you're right. I don't think there is really anything I can say that will get her to calm down. Maybe the best thing to do is just not engage when it gets brought up. |
Anonymous
| I'm a little heartbroken for you, OP. Your mother is doing damage that will be very difficult, if not impossible, to undo. It's one thing to have an aggresively negative reaction to your baby's name, but to spew things like she won't want to see the baby much, won't ever see your husband again, may not come help after the baby is born...those are the sorts of slights and hurts taht I might not be able to forgive. At that point, trust will have broken down too severely for me to allow her to be a part of my new family. It is shocking that she is choosing to try and make your husband into a villan in all of this. Good for you for refusing to accept this...her blaming him makes it very clear to me that you mother has likely NEVER viewed your husband in a good light and good to know this now because she may very well be the kind of MIL who tries to disrupt your marriage. I think at this point I would not even entertain any discussion of my baby's name, but would only discuss her outrageous behavior. Does your husband have family nearby? Perhaps his family will grow to be your closer extended family. |