Mother extremely angry over DC's name

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother is bullying you! Don't fall for it. I really hope you do NOT let your mother bully you into changing the name. That is what she is hoping to accomplish with this ridiculous behavior. Let her know that she will only be hurting HERSELF and her relationship with her new grandchild with this behavior. She needs to act mature and get over it immediately if she wants to be in your lives.

[Anonymous]

You know, pregnancy comes with enough crap: the worries, the nausea, the aches and pains, the emotional roller coaster, the sleepless nights...you're mother should be nothing but supportive. The fact that she's actually causing you emotional pain is shameful. My mom didn't like the names we had chosen for a boy. (We didn't find out what we were having.) But the worst she said to me before the baby was born was that they were slightly hoping for a girl because they liked our list of girl names better.

Put your foot down now, OP, or you are really going to be in for it when the baby arrives!

[Anonymous]

Print out this thread and mail it to your mom. Allow her to see what a bunch of strangers make of her behavior. She wants a riff? She'll get a riff. Sorry you're going through this OP. However, I'm convinced from what you've described that your mother is someone I would not want my child being influenced by and maybe you should ask yourself the same. Time to start drawing those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is acting crazy

[Anonymous]

Keep to the name you like. I am sorry your mom is such a piece of work, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, one of the problems with a forum such as this one, is that people offer well-intended advice without taking into consideration the longer term ramifications on an individual who takes such advice.

It is easy to say that one should not consider the sentiments of an individual (your mother, in this instance) but one also sees this in many other cases where it involves conflicts with other family members, spouses, friends, etc. But ultimately, you are the one who has to live with the consequences and those who offered you advice will no longer be around.

I am not arguing for or against what you should do in the specific situation you are facing regarding the middle name but what I would say to you is to do what is right for you, your husband and relationships that you would like to preserve. It is all that matters in the ultimate analysis.

[Anonymous]

OP here. @15:39 - I'm afraid the damage is already done between my mom and my DH. She's never really liked him very much and now she strongly dislikes him. Even if I were to do exactly as she wanted, she would still harbor the same dislike for him, and probably will for the rest of her life because she blames him for pretty much everything that she doesn't like about me. She also hates his mother for IMO a silly reason.

My relationship w/ my DH is more important right now because he's my partner in life and we're having DC together. The extended family, I think, will get over the name thing because they used it for their kids and they have no rational reason to care what I do. They might be disappointed for a few minutes or feel bad for my mom because she's so upset, but I don't think there will be any lasting ramifications with them. The only relationship that will suffer now is the one between my mom and I, and I honestly think the damage is already done. I talked to her yesterday and she said some things that she will probably regret in a few months, but she can't un-say them. She's pretty much decided that she would rather avoid DH and his mom than come to the hosptial when I have the baby, and I don't have the words right now to express how hurtful and disappointing that is. At least my dad will be there.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I'm glad I don't have your mom. No one deserves that.

[Anonymous]

Your mother's actions are incredibly hurtful OP, I am sorry you are having to deal with this hurt and pain at such a happy time in your life. I am guessing your mother has been hurtful in the past and this is not a new or uncharacteristic way for her to act. She sounds like she expects to get we way and likely you have given in in the past to keep the peace. You do need to stand up for your DH and your own family unit. Set clear boundaries and expectations and be firm. She can only become a toxic presence in your marriage if you let her. It is incredibly sad and hurtful that she has given you this ultimatum of do what she wants or she won't be involved but that says nothing about you and everything about her. I am glad you have your dad and hopefully lot of other family who will be a positive presence for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'm glad I don't have your mom. No one deserves that.

+1

Such a response by your mom indicates a serious concern. Normal, healthy people do not respond like that. I'm sorry OP and. I wish you all the happiness with the arrival of your baby.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems very clear that your mother has a mental illness, or personality disorder, issue. Getting this upset about a name just isn't rational. You are doing the right thing in defining your "family" as you, DH, and baby-on-the-way.

Stand firm, live your life honestly and well, and hope for the best with your Mom. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother has never really liked my DH, we've been together for almost 20 years and she still acts like such a jerk to him. It came to a real head right before the birth of my 2nd child. My mother reneged on her offer to help after the birth, and was upset my MIL took 3 weeks vacation to come across the country to help us (she offered, I needed it, so I said yes, what am I, stupid?!). She didnt like the name either, was really pushing for a family name in particular, but I didn't want it, and we chose another family name. She accused me of doing it just to spite her. she drove up here the day after I had an emergency csection to yell at me in person, I still had my catheter in. When DC was baptized 3 months later she lied about not being in town. It was incredibly hurtful, I couldn't understand why she was doing this.

It has been 4 years and things are starting to get better. We had a head to head last year where I just said look, I love my DH, he's a good man, husband and father, he isn't going anywhere. He is my priority and if you want to spend time with me or my children you cannot say anything degrading or rude to or about him, period. It is your choice."

It seems to have worked to some degree. I do try to keep them separated because if I put myself in DHs shoes I wouldn't want to be around her either. But I try to reconcile with her at least for the sake of my children having a nice relationship with their grandparents. it is amazing at how nice and accepting my MIL is of me, it is like night and day.

I tell you this because this too may pass. Life is too short, once the baby arrives hopefully all of you can find some sort of peace.

[Anonymous]

Does your mother realize she is shooting herself in the foot? She is cutting off her nose to spite her face? And all the other cliches about people who act childish and irrational? She is the one who will lose out on a relationship with her granddaughter. Everyone else, including your DHs mother, will get to know this innocent sweet child as your mother stews by herself at home. This is what you should point out to her in black and white. Good luck. Sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Stand your ground, stand by your husband, and do whatever you need to do to protect your sanity and keep your stress levels as low as possible for the remainder of your pregnancy.

FWIW, the appeal of grandchildren is UNBELIEVABLY powerful. However bullying and dramatic your mother is being now, once your baby is here she may change her tune.

Just stay calm and consistent. You and your husband will raise your family the way you choose and you hope she will want to be a part of that. You expect her to respect your choices and decisions but very much hope she will be a loving, significant presence in her grandchild's life.

Then leave it to her to decide what to do.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

out of curiosity do you have this middle name? Does your first child have this first name. Your Mom is totally out of line, but that might help to understand. Will this 2nd dc be the only child on that side of the family without this middle name?