Unhappily Surprised by Second Pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Abortion is not birth control.
How can a married woman, mother of a child already be "surprised" by a pregnancy?

You may have heard that no form of birth control is 100% effective. In over 15 years of having sex, this is my first unplanned pregnancy. So I'm not exactly using abortion as birth control, but thanks for your insight.

I know plenty of people have survived much harder circumstances and come out happy and in tact. And that could happen to us too. I know very well that children are one of life's greatest joys. But I also think I have to consider the other side - it's a real threat to a marriage to pile on financial stress, sleepless nights, and all the other stuff that comes with it when neither party is fully prepared or on board. A hard year or two can puts cracks in a marriage that may or may not mend. To me, having a strong marriage is vitally important for providing the best environment for DC. I'm not so worried about the child losing our attention and focus, but I am worried that me and DH may become unhappy, stressed, and just not the kind of parents we want to be if we bite off more than we can chew.

I know nothing is guaranteed and you can't control everything in life, but I do think it's worth considering the impact the immediate stress will have on our home and family during our child's early years. And I agree that everyone is different in the amount of stress and chaos they can thrive in. I see moms of four and am in awe of how they hold it all together, but I know that I couldn't do it and still remain a happy balanced person. It's not who I am - I deal better with stress in small quantities. That can't always be controlled, but in this case there is a choice.

Thank you to those that have shared personal anecdotes, they were very helpful to read. DH and I do have more talking to do, but I thought it might be helpful to hear from those who have been in similar situations and it's not exactly something you can discuss in real life. Good idea to explore best and worst case scenarios for both options. Thanks again.

OP, I haven't been in your shoes, as my kids are a totally planned 2.5 years apart. But your comment on marriage struck me. My husband and I have a pretty rock solid marriage, and I think a lot of that has to do with the times of insane stress and hardship that we have endured. It's through having to depend on each other, be totally "real" with each other, find humor and grace in seemingly absurd moments, sacrifice and make hard compromises, learn to parent in ways that feel authentic to us, that we've been able to strengthen our marriage. I'm not saying that's how it works out for everyone, but to me a happy marriage isn't made just when life is all sunshine and roses.

Agreed. My DH and I have gone through some hard times, but together - as a team. I think that is what makes us a strong happy couple.

OP: The thing about choice and the responsibility of having it - at the end of the day, YOU are the one who will make the choice. Only you (not your DH, not DCUM, not your friends). It has to be a choice that you are comfortable with and can live with for the rest of your life, whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

This proves the pro-life point about the true vile nature of abortion, its 99% about convenience not about the health of the mom or the child. The whole health argument is the only point brought up in defense of abortion. The real reasons are convenience it, all of your with this mindset are basically Casey Anthony and getting away with murder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good. Let's all vote on whether we approve of the "six month" PP's decision. Classy.

Post of the Day.

This is why we have a Constitutional right to privacy.

[Anonymous]

If it is a matter of you just wanted to wait 6months-1 year then I wouldn't terminate. In the grand scheme of things that isn't much different.

My boys are 2.5 years apart and it has been perfect. At 3.5 and 6--they are at the perfect age to play together well and have similar interests. They get along famously.

If you don't want another child at all---or their were medical issues or concerns you had since it was unexpected that is an entirely different thing.

I want to throw out there that my first was somewhat unexpected. We were undecided and I went off the pill one month...then by the time I changed my mind...I was already pregnant from that one time. I had a very hard adjustment over the entire pregnancy (which I really didn't feel comfortable confiding in anyone but DH). I was terrified, slightly depressed and going through the motions to pretend I was happy. Then--DS was born and I had the most instanteous crazy love for him right away. I think if you are a planner and somethign like this happens out of the blue it is hard. I also tend to worry and look at all the possible 'wrongs'. I did the same when I was pregnant with second worried about how hard it would be. Teh funny thing is--the reality was my second time around was so much easier and maybe all of that imagining worst case scenario made it suprisingly easy.

I know you won't take this lightly, but I would maybe seek a counselor to talk through things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is a matter of you just wanted to wait 6months-1 year then I wouldn't terminate. In the grand scheme of things that isn't much different.

Maybe not much different for YOU. For others it could make all the difference in the world (and has, based on some of the posts from families that have been through this).

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the poster who says only your heart can make this decision. Logical arguments can be made to support either choice. There is also a shock element.

In a somewhat similar situation, I made an appointment with a church counselor. I think I needed to FEEL that my choice was right, not just how rational my arguments were. The woman there didn't push for one choice or another. She did say when you make the decision right for you, you will be at peace with it. That statement made my choice very clear. I have never regretted that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is a matter of you just wanted to wait 6months-1 year then I wouldn't terminate. In the grand scheme of things that isn't much different.

Maybe not much different for YOU. For others it could make all the difference in the world (and has, based on some of the posts from families that have been through this).

If that little bit of time is enough to destroy your marriage, your marriage is probably going to crumble under other stresses in future years.

[Anonymous]

Holy smoke. I can't even believe this post is for real. I am totally pro choice. But I cannot imagine terminating my own pregnancy because the TIMING is INCONVENIENT??? Wow.

I had an unwanted second pregnancy and I figured, I didn't have any excuse to warrant an abortion. I had a job, a home, health insurance, etc. I think there are circumstances that justify this momentous decision but for God's sake OP. 6 months too soon? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy smoke. I can't even believe this post is for real. I am totally pro choice. But I cannot imagine terminating my own pregnancy because the TIMING is INCONVENIENT??? Wow.

I had an unwanted second pregnancy and I figured, I didn't have any excuse to warrant an abortion. I had a job, a home, health insurance, etc. I think there are circumstances that justify this momentous decision but for God's sake OP. 6 months too soon? Really?

Well, ok then--don't have an abortion for that reason. You obviously place a great deal of weight on the existance of a fetus at any stage. But lots of women don't consider this a "momentus decision." These women are not uninformed or callous--they simply do not consider a fetus or zygote to be anywhere near a human life. So, timing and inconvenience are valid considerations for them. There's this narrative right now that abortion is always a Big Deal--that's simply not always true. It doesn't always merit a Very Special Episode.

[Anonymous]

Oh, good. Let's all vote on whether we approve of the "six month" PP's decision. Classy.

Yes, almost as classy as coming on here and telling everyone what a great decision it was to kill your unborn baby because it's more convenient to be pregnant six months later.

And let's be honest - this is all about convenience. She wanted to "enjoy being parents to our first and get some sort of break." If the "6-month PP" didn't want the negative feedback she's getting, she didn't have to post. You put it out there, and people react. There are a lot of negative reactions to this one because it's appalling to many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, good. Let's all vote on whether we approve of the "six month" PP's decision. Classy.

Yes, almost as classy as coming on here and telling everyone what a great decision it was to kill your unborn baby because it's more convenient to be pregnant six months later.

And let's be honest - this is all about convenience. She wanted to "enjoy being parents to our first and get some sort of break." If the "6-month PP" didn't want the negative feedback she's getting, she didn't have to post. You put it out there, and people react. There are a lot of negative reactions to this one because it's appalling to many people.

Annnnnnnnd scene. OP, this thread has officially devolved into a moral stoning of the PPs who shared their personal histories with you. Get out now. And good luck.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people have brought up whether you would be able to get pregnant later, and how that would make you feel. But what about the baby that would now be born in 9 months? Regardless of how you view it now, it will be a baby that would have a personality, abilities and potential just like your older child. Personally, I wouldn't feel right about terminating this child and then later, trying to create a new life with my husband. I am not judging you, just giving you my perspective. Good luck in your decision. I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have many reasons not to want to proceed with this pregnancy. But it really struck me when you made a reference in your original post regarding your struggle with your decision "to bring a child into the world." I couldn't help but instinctively feel that your pregnancy means that that you already have brought a child "into this world" - separated by a few months and your body, and maybe the result of what you feel is a tragic accident, but in at least some respect, he or she already is here -- that is why the decision is considered significant. If you do decide to go forward with the pregnancy, perhaps it is a guarantee that you will have "why did we do this to ourselves" moments of regret and if you decide to terminate, perhaps you will never have a moment of regret, as some of the previous posters have attested. But I'm not sure these are always foolproof indicators of the rightness of a decision. Certainly, if you decide to go forward with your pregnancy, you would be entitled to your keen disappointment -- grief even -- over losing the future you envisioned related to your business, marriage and family. Obviously, you are understandably struggling already with an initial state of disappointment and sense of unfairness and loss that this pregnancy has presented you. This news has turned your life and expectations upside down. But isn't how we respond to life's major curve balls one of the greatest measures of a person? It would be everyone's temptation to take the option that would allow you to hit the "rewind button..." But is it possible that focusing too much on trying to adhere to your pre-existing visions and plans for the future, however closely held and valid they are, is not the best way to make this type of decision? Of course, it is so easy -- so very easy -- for me to wax all philosophical when currently I am not in your shoes .....

[Anonymous]

a new baby puts a lot of stress on a marriage whether it happens now or 6 months from now.

but if you're both determined to make it through, you can do it. don't doubt your own resiliency.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm curious. Is this "our business" or "My husband's business"? The distinction is huge. And what exactly is the business? What will happen in a year to make it viable? I consider myself prochoice, but in your shoes I couldn't end an unwanted pregnancy unless the baby would not survive outside the uterus. Even then, I'm not sure. You mention needing "a break" which to me isn't a healthy attitude. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Is your marriage not as strong as you'd like to believe? You already have one child, you know how you and hubby are as parents and to each other with achild in the mix. This is info you didn't have the first go round. Is there more going on with you or DH that you aren't acknolleging?