Unhappily Surprised by Second Pregnancy

[Anonymous]

I just found out I'm pregnant. DC would be 2.5 when the baby is born. This was a total shock and both DH and me wanted to wait until DC was 3 or so to start trying for a second. We own a business and DH works from our home, and there's barely enough room as it is, much less with another baby. We had plans to expand the business over the next year and hopefully get into a bigger house with plenty of room before expanding our family. It'd be possible to do it all, but extremely difficult - there's no one to replace the work I do and if the early months of DC are any indicator, I'd be in no condition to really drive full steam ahead.

I have a termination scheduled, even though DH and me haven't fully decided 100%. But I think we're both pretty close. There's really no part of us at all that's excited by the prospect of continuing this pregnancy. Our first was planned but even still the stress of starting up our business and adjusting to parenthood was a hard road. We're finally in a good place and love being parents and things are going well with the business and our marriage. We really wanted to just enjoy it and build on that for awhile before growing our family.

But at the same time, I think we both feel a bit guilty and sad. We both love our DC so much and think another would be a blessing, even if it was really hard for a long time in the beginning. We both want another one, eventually. I know so many people who have struggled and it feels so indulgent to end this pregnancy when others would love to have it. Yet, to me that's not a good reason to bring a child into the world either.

Somehow terminating seems like the easy way out. Yet, I feel that I also have to consider what's best for my whole family. I don't know how our marriage would take the stress of another while dealing with all these other things. I feel that it's important to raise our DC in a calm and loving environment that's as least stressful as possible. I think having this baby we'd definitely have to sacrifice a lot of that, instead of just enjoy these early years with our DC. We feel that we have about as much as we can handle on our plates right now while still remaining happy and not too overwhelmed. Is it so awful to want to preserve that for awhile longer and try again in a year or two? At this point, we're not too worried about fertility issues as we're young enough and have gotten pregnant twice easily. So we think we'd be able to have another down the road, though I know that's not a given. Even so, I think I could be perfectly happy just having one child if that's how things wound up.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? There's no one in real life to talk to about this except DH, and I need some other perspective. Not interested in any pro-life propaganda, thanks, just honest input.

[Anonymous]

I find it odd that you want to do this to put off having a child for a year or so - is that really such a big amount of time?

[Anonymous]

Oh, wow. No advice for you, since this is a very personal decision, just wishing you the best with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm terrified of the responses you are going to get here. Before it gets too nuts I just wanted to say I'm sure this is a difficult decision for you, and you are smart not to make it lightly. I wish you the best of luck and a happy life, no matter what decision you make!

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes 3 years ago. I was miserable. My DS is now just under 3 and we couldn't be happier. Obviously this is your choice in the end, but what if you decide in a few years you really want another and can't get pregnant. Your older dc will be old enough by the time the baby is born that it will be much easier on you.
Plus I think if you really didn't want another you would have been more careful with birth control. I don't think you should base this decision on your DH business alone. There is always preschool or daycare.
Good luck with your decision

[Anonymous]

reading your post, I admit I was taken aback when I read "I have a termination scheduled". Honestly, from your description, I really think you will regret it.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, I've had that thought too. But to us, it does seem like a substantial time frame. We've grown a lot in the past year and are hoping to make some big moves business wise in the next 1.5 years, and my husband and I are the driving force behind our business. So I can understand if we just had company jobs that it wouldn't make that much difference, but for us we hope to be in a very different place in a year.

[Anonymous]

How do you know in a year or two you may not have stressful situations in your life? You also do not have any guarantee that you will be able to conceive in the future.

[Anonymous]

No advice for you. I know it's a hard decision, but your talking about termination to push it back a h

[Anonymous]

A year... Stupid phone.

Sorry, it just seams heartless.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. I am all in favor of a woman's right to choose and I think if you had decided to not have anymore children and wanted to terminate, it would make sense. But, to terminate because this happened six months earlier than you had hoped. In the long scheme of life, six months is not that big a slice.

How would you feel if in six months you started to try and couldn't get pregnant? Would you still be happy with your decision? You may be young, but your fertility can decline at any time. I thought I had all the time in the world so I didn't start trying until I was 32. Turns out I am one of the 1 in 350 woman who go into early menopause. 32 was already too late for me.

If you really wouldn't mind stopping at one, maybe this makes sense for you. But if not, is a six month difference in age really an obstacle you can't manage?

[Anonymous]

It seems ike you are trying to convince the audience that you are making the right choice- I don't think you will feel right either way you choose. It's just an impossible place to be.


I think you are leaning towards termination- and if this is the right choice for you, own it and accept it. Maybe you can get a few counseling sessions to work out any unresolved feelings.

[Anonymous]

let me preface this by saying i am prochoice. that being said, it seems as though you are pro-convenience.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can see that this is an incredibly tough decision, and I agree with the previous poster that you are right to not take it lightly. I just wanted to say that I completely understand the difference a year can make in one's life and that I think you are right to think about the stress of timing on one's family. It is a big deal from my perspective. Best wishes for being at peace with your decision.

[Anonymous]

This just makes me so, so sad. I had an unplanned second pregnancy, and the timing was terrible (I had literally just gone back to work after maternity leave & found out I was pregnant during my first week back, and we also lived in a teeny house with barely enough room for one baby, much less two, and DH was working/traveling constantly, leaving me on my own with no help most of the time). I was not excited or happy to be pregnant again, but termination never crossed our minds. The kids are just over a year apart and the first year was very difficult, but now we LOVE having them close in age and cannot imagine life without both of them. It was worth every sacrifice we made, and there were many. For me, if I could ever bring myself to terminate a pregnancy, it would have to be in the most dire of circumstances (meaning much more dire than what you are describing).