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Unhappily Surprised by Second Pregnancy
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Anonymous
| Like many others here, I am pro-choice. I remember, however, my mother telling me recently that she aborted what should have been her fourth child. At the time they were financially strapped recent immigrants living in a tiny apartment. Not every woman regrets an abortion, you have to do what is best for you and your family. But my mother really regretted her choice and said that if she could make the decision again, she would have dug her heels in and just found a way to make it work, even if it seemed impossible. There will never be a perfect time to have a baby, but only you and your husband can make the right decision. I wish you and your family peace. Also, I know that you plan to have big changes in your situation in the next year, but there is no guarantee that those changes will come. |
Anonymous
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I'm with 20:44--the first thing I'd do is get off this forum and talk it out with my DH, write it out in a journal, do whatever I needed to do to figure out what my best option was.
But if you don't choose to get off this board, I'll chime in and say that I'm not horrified by your reasons for considering an abortion. You have the health and well-being of your family to consider, and it's a legitimate consideration. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have an abortion, but I am saying that I disagree with those who say your reasons are plainly insufficient. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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My mom aborted what would've been her third child. She never regretted it for a second--for her, it was clearly the right thing to do.
All you can do is make the best possible decision you can with the information available. |
Anonymous
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You should have a heart to heart with your husband and your doctor. Planned parenthood has good unbaised worksheets that help you think out your options and your future. I was in a similar position a few years ago and choose to keep my baby. I can't say its been easy in fact its been harder than I ever imagined. Would I make the same choice again? I'm not sure, but I either way I didn't have the benefit of seeing into the future and neither do you.
I disagree with other posters. Abortion was legalized because despite advances in birth control nothing is ever 100%. The reason it is private is because its your decision, not mine, or anyone on this forum. It's going to be hard no matter what you decide, I never really thought of it as a choice at all. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I didn't finish reading the answer, but most of them strike me as hypocrisy. Abortion is either something women have the right to choose because it is "not really a baby," but a "fetus" in any situation, or it is immoral and heartless in any situation. I know there are no black and white issues in life, but to me, this is a clear one - you either consider life a blessing, something to be protected since conception (or maybe 2nd? 3rd trimester?) or it is not really a baby yet, just the "promise of a baby." If the last, op is not "heartless" for choosing abortion in this moment of her life - it is not pro-convenience, it is pro-choice!
Or, if you want to look under other perspective, abortion is almost always a choice of convenience. OP, forget this thread exist, stop looking on DCUrbanMom and go discuss with your husband about the issue. These people here are not going to help you raise this child, care for this child. They are also not going to help you cope in case you regret an abortion. This is really not the kind of thing we ask opinions of strangers on the Internet. |
Anonymous
| You never know what is going to happen with your fertility. What happens if you wait until your "perfect" time and then you are unable to get pregnant? You are so close to your planned time that there is no way I would terminate. My second is six months old right now and the sweetest thing in the world.. I can't imagine not having her because the timing wasn't right. FWIW, my oldest was just over three when she was born, so not that much older than your DC, and it has been a pretty much pain-free transition. |
Anonymous
Agreed. Wishing you and your family the best. |
Anonymous
You may have heard that no form of birth control is 100% effective. In over 15 years of having sex, this is my first unplanned pregnancy. So I'm not exactly using abortion as birth control, but thanks for your insight. I know plenty of people have survived much harder circumstances and come out happy and in tact. And that could happen to us too. I know very well that children are one of life's greatest joys. But I also think I have to consider the other side - it's a real threat to a marriage to pile on financial stress, sleepless nights, and all the other stuff that comes with it when neither party is fully prepared or on board. A hard year or two can puts cracks in a marriage that may or may not mend. To me, having a strong marriage is vitally important for providing the best environment for DC. I'm not so worried about the child losing our attention and focus, but I am worried that me and DH may become unhappy, stressed, and just not the kind of parents we want to be if we bite off more than we can chew. I know nothing is guaranteed and you can't control everything in life, but I do think it's worth considering the impact the immediate stress will have on our home and family during our child's early years. And I agree that everyone is different in the amount of stress and chaos they can thrive in. I see moms of four and am in awe of how they hold it all together, but I know that I couldn't do it and still remain a happy balanced person. It's not who I am - I deal better with stress in small quantities. That can't always be controlled, but in this case there is a choice. Thank you to those that have shared personal anecdotes, they were very helpful to read. DH and I do have more talking to do, but I thought it might be helpful to hear from those who have been in similar situations and it's not exactly something you can discuss in real life. Good idea to explore best and worst case scenarios for both options. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
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You def need to work on making the decision that feels best for your family, recognizing that you have imperfect information about how any of it will feel. Many of these commenters have more imagination than experience.
So as someone who has been there, I will share my experience that an unwanted pregnancy is more painful than a hard-to-achieve pregnancy. I never regretted my termination, even when facing the possiblity that I would never conceive again. |
Anonymous
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I'll add a personal story in the hopes that it helps you. DH and I had been trying to decide whether to have #3. I was 100% in favor and he was almost 100% opposed. I am a SAHM and he works really hard and at the time (2 years ago) the economy was tanking and he was feeling stressed without adding a third child to the mix. Well, I got pregnant (birth control failed) and I was happy but DH was really upset. He never once mentioned termination, but I don't think he slept at all after we found out. I decided that as much as I wanted a third child, I wanted to terminate because I never wanted myself or DH to view our child as a burden or accident. We had two amazing kids we were in a great place. DH agreed so I had an abortion. Fast forward two months later, DH and I decided we both were ready to have another baby. My third baby is 1 now and is a delight and we can't imagine our lives without her. I'm sure we would have been equally enamored with the baby we terminated, but the timing really wasn't right for us. Neither DH nor I have regretting terminating our prior pregnancy.
Not sure if this is relevant or not, but I had gotten pregnant with my first two very easily and also got pregnant after my abortion on the first try. It may have been naive, but infertility wasn't a concern of mine. DH and I also discussed how we would feel if we did want another child and couldn't get pregnant after aborting, and both of us were ok with that. |
Anonymous
OP here, thanks. Yes, my husband and I are talking of course, but we also need some quiet time to think about things on our own before reconvening. And I'm not really looking for people's opinions, or for internet strangers to make my decision for me. I just wanted to hear from those who have been in similar circumstances and hear their reasoning when they were deciding. I've already read some ideas here that will be helpful in opening up more discussion with my husband, which I'm thankful for. Believe me, no one here is going to change my mind by adding a rude judgey comment or two. I just ignore those, and of course expected a fair number given where I posted this! |
Anonymous
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As a first time parent at 46 who spent 7 years doing extensive treatment for my wife who had health issues, and finally got to the point that we were only able to succeed in being parent by another 4 years of difficult IVF that ended up requiring us to use a gestational surrogate to carry out children, I'm surprised that I find myself on the opposite side than I would have expected from the avid pro-choicers. Having twins, I can say that this is VERY, VERY hard work and completely life changing. The OP clearly understands that and thinks that at this point in their lives, the new baby will disrupt their lives sufficiently that they may not be able to get it back on track later. For those of us who work in offices, it's much easier to put your life on hold for a couple of years and then get back on track. For an entrepreneur who has a business that may collapse without the attention that she and DH need to devote to it, having a child at the wrong time can be disastrous. I sympathize with your very difficult decision.
Only you can make the difficult decision, but I'd like to suggest another alternative. Can you carry the child to term to see if your feelings about the stage of your life, business, family, marriage is any different that it appears now? And if it is still going to be that difficult on your family and business, consider giving your child up for adoption. I can say that as part of one of those couples that had many difficulties TTC, that there are many couples out there who would love to adopt an infant and would give the child a wonderful home and life. I know that this is an equally difficult decision to make, but I hope that you consider it. You may find yourself changing your mind as you get closer and closer to the birth. With this option, you can still reserve your right to keep the child in the family, but give it a loving home if you cannot keep it. If you choose to terminate, you lose that choice. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP -- can the business expansion wait another 2 years or does it have to happen now?
In terms of the craziness and pressure of raising kids -- in some ways having them close together will help you down the road. it is a crazy few years, but once they are both over 3 it gets easier. I personally have mine 4 years apart because that's what I thought I could handle, and it was better in the newborn years but I find it is an incovenient spread now! I think your life actually might be less stressful if you have your kids closer together, and then expand the business. If it can wait. |
Anonymous
| If it were me, I would be concerned about possible feelings of guilt, regret, or resentment affecting my marriage if one of us ended up changing our mind, one was more strongly pro termination in the end, or one of us changed how we thought about it after the fact. I'd personally rather hedge my bets with the more familiar stress of a new baby and temporarily strained finances than the murky unknown feelings of loss, especially if I ultimately wanted another child. |
Anonymous
| When is there ever a "perfect time"? Even millionaires don't have it. |