Unhappily Surprised by Second Pregnancy

[Anonymous]

If you absolutely, unequivocally, definitely did not want another baby then I'd say do whatever you need to do. But just because the timing is not 100% right? And space is a bit tight? And work is a bit busy? I am pro-choice but having had several babies, I personally could not now get rid of a baby for 'convenience' reasons (as opposed to health reasons). The joy of seeing my first baby develop meant than my subsequent babies were real to me from the time I realized I was pregnant. And I believe that my children (I have four) have really benefitted from the sibling dynamic from a young age. The love, sharing, playing, energy, laughter and comradeship makes up for the fighting, chaos and weariness.

[Anonymous]

THis is a very difficult choice to make, however there are no guarantees in life. You can make all the plans you want, but things can change on a dime. I'm not judging you, but you will probably regret your decision to terminate. Just because it's not convenient doesn't seem like a good reason to end a pregnancy, especially if you have the financial means to raise a child. How old are you OP? Have you considered how you would feel in another couple of years if you find yourself struggling with infertility? Just my two cents....

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that you're trying to convince yourself, but deep down don't want to terminate. The logical part of ourselves can make a really good argument, but decisions like this need to be made with the heart.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying hard to not be judgmental-- afterall, I'm pro-choice-- but I think terminating a pregnancy when you are married and planning on having another in the very near future is irresponsible and immoral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:let me preface this by saying i am prochoice. that being said, it seems as though you are pro-convenience.

Perfectly said.

[Anonymous]

I rarely chime in, but your post really caught my attention. I am very liberal, very pro-choice, but have to say that I am quite shocked that you would terminate a pregnancy because the timing is wrong? I know what a strain kids can be - I only have 1 child because it felt perfect for me, but if you want a second anyway - cant you make it work? I guess I am afraid that you might be haunted for a long time.

Whatever you decide - I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

I am pro-choice. I also am sure 1.5 years can back a huge difference but is still no gurantee that it will be better timing.

I think you are smart to make this decision carefully. I'd ask myself if in a couple years I try again and am unable to have a baby would I regret having terminated a pregancy. Would DH and I be happy with one child or would we be kicking ourselves forever.

Do to various circumstances and choices we have only one child. Occasionally I wish we could have another but it certainly doesn't eat at me. And actually in many ways has worked out for the best.

I would carefully look at the "worst-case scenario" for each decision and determine which I could better live with.

[Anonymous]

i had an unexpected second pregnancy also, and it was also at a very inconvenient time. was terrified, totally unhappy about it, but we went forward, because we wanted another child eventually too (similarly had planned to try about a year from when i got pregnant). i am pro choice but for me abortion did not feel right at all and wasn't even considered. in retrospect i cannot imagine not having her. life would feel very empty. i know we wouldn't know the difference had we decided not to have her, but i'm so, so glad we toughed it out and that she's here with us. over time i got more and more excited about the pregnancy, and even though at the time i felt the age difference (2.5 years) was too small, i now feel that it is good for all of us. this situation taught me that some of the best things in life are unplanned. but i understand how you feel, because i think i felt pretty much the same way. and it sounds like you've invested a lot in your personal and professional life and that you are enjoying things as they are, and i know that is really hard to give up. it feels weird to continue a pregnancy that you aren't excited about ... i've been there. is there a counselor you can talk to, either at planned parenthood or elsewhere? maybe they would have some insights.

i have a friend who had two kids, got pregnant, had an abortion because she felt she wasn't ready for another child, then later went on to have a third child. as far as i know she feels ok with her decision. so i don't think you would necessarily regret deciding not to continue the pregnancy, but it just depends on you as a person.

from your post i get the feeling that you really want to be okay with terminating the pregnancy but there's some part of you that is hesitant. i guess just exploring that part of yourself, and imagining all the possible outcomes (you have a baby and things are okay, you have a baby and things are hard, you don't have the baby and are relived, you don't have the baby and are guilty/sad)...it's hard to know how you'll react but you know yourself best.

best of luck to you with this tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I am all in favor of a woman's right to choose and I think if you had decided to not have anymore children and wanted to terminate, it would make sense. But, to terminate because this happened six months earlier than you had hoped. In the long scheme of life, six months is not that big a slice.

How would you feel if in six months you started to try and couldn't get pregnant? Would you still be happy with your decision? You may be young, but your fertility can decline at any time. I thought I had all the time in the world so I didn't start trying until I was 32. Turns out I am one of the 1 in 350 woman who go into early menopause. 32 was already too late for me.

If you really wouldn't mind stopping at one, maybe this makes sense for you. But if not, is a six month difference in age really an obstacle you can't manage?

I agree with this. I am vehemently pro-choice, have done work for NARAL, will fight to the bitter end for a woman's right to choose. But this seems wrong to me.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I promise you that in a year there will be different reasons to be stressed and problems you never imagined. There is never a perfect time to have a baby. If you were 100 percent certain that you did not want anymore children, I could understand a bit more. However, you are considering an abortion over 12 months of time?!?! Please consider that you might not be able to get pregnant again because life often does not go the way we planned it...

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you had to know the kind of responses you'd get to this post, which makes me think you don't really want to abort.

[Anonymous]

OP- Your post does make me sad. Probably because I have a 18mo and am four mo pregnant. We have had health concerns with this pregnancy and are awaiting further anatomical and fetal heart scans to confirm if the baby is ok or if there are problems. So of couse a post like yours is going to make me sad. It does sound like you are trying to convince yourself this is the best decision.

Is timing really a good enough reason to terminate this pregnancy? So few families consist of kids all perfectly timed. Babies don't take up a lot of space. I just wonder if terminating for this reason wouldn't be something you would deeply regret. Do you feel that this is the right decision or something you are trying to justify now but that you might actually regret in the future?

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart goes out to you. I'm sure this is a very difficult situation for you and I can only offer my own story as something for you to keep in mind.

My DS was 8 months old when we were "surprised" by a second pregnancy (I know there are people out there who disagree with the term "surprise," but I was still nursing, had one carefree night with hubby, and was yes, surprised by the positive pregnancy test). We knew we wanted to eventually have another child, but like you, were hoping to wait another year (at least) or so. My DS was EXTREMELY colicky and his newborn phase was very rough on me and my marriage. At 8 months old, it seemed like we were just getting to a happy place with a happy baby. Timing wise, having another child was not ideal - I was hoping to find another job and was even in the process of sending out resumes. My DH and I knew adding another baby to our family would be stressful and would stress our budget to the max, but we never considered termination as an option (and I am VERY pro-choice, so no pro-life propaganda coming from me).

Like you said in your OP, termination just seemed like an easy and guilt-ridden way out. Even though we had a bit of a rocky patch when #1 was born, my DH and I were in a very stable and loving marriage. Having another child would be tough on our finances, but it would not have sent us into the poor house by any means. And ultimately, it was nobody's fault but our own that we were not using protection.

I understand your feelings about giving your first child all the attention and providing a stable upbringing. Trust me, I agonized over the thought that my DS would no longer be my one and only and that I would have to give my attention to another child. I questioned whether I could ever love another child as much as my first. I felt like I was being unfair to my DS by robbing him of all my attention.

Fast forward two years and we now have a beautiful daughter as part of our family. We absolutely cannot imagine our lives without her. My DS and my DD are 17 months apart and they are the best of friends. In retrospect, all of the agonizing I did over adding a second child and possibly taking away my son's happiness was silly. My DS adores his baby sister and watching the two of them play together just lights up my day. Of course, the transition from one to two was far from seamless - the newborn days were once again killer, the sleepless nigths were no fun, breastfeeding a newborn and trying to entertain a toddler sucked at times, my husband and I fought over stupid stuff because we were stressed and sleep-deprived, etc., etc. But DD is now 15 months and things really are getting easy again. And in the long run of things, 15 months is no time at all. I understand you have big plans for your business, but can you put them off that long? If you delay your planned expansion, will it ruin your business or can you keep things the way they are for another year or year and a half? Because, I think you might be surprised how fast your life will return to "normal" (whatever that really means) after adding a second child.

I tell you all of this because I had similar feelings when I first learned about my second pregnancy. But I have absolutely no doubt that I did the right thing by keeping my child. I ask you this, and I am not trying to be snarky - just asking a tough question - if you terminate this pregnancy, will you be able to say the same? That you have no doubts about your decision? Of course you know this, but it is a decision you will have to live with forever.

Good luck with your decision, OP, whatever you decide. I know you are not taking it lightly. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

We were in the same spot a year ago: My advice to you is to get off this forum and don't let a bunch of people you don't know make you feel guilty for exploring your options. Focus on talking with each other and getting on the same page, pronto.

We did keep #2, but honestly it wasn't without a lot of heartache and tension between us -- and it's still hard sometimes.

Best to you.

[Anonymous]

for some perspective, maybe go read some of the posts on the TTC forum, I see how you may think this is such a hard decision, but given you want another child, just not right now seems like you would open yourself to a lifetime of regret, for the record I am pro choice as well