Unhappily Surprised by Second Pregnancy

[Anonymous]

How old are you? a few years can make a big difference in your fertility especially if you are around 30. I would consider this a gift.

[Anonymous]

Just to lend my experience OP...

DH and I terminated a pregnancy when we had been dating for a year (not engaged or even living together). I was also on some pretty non-friendly medication, and I knew from the second I stopped denying that I was pregnant, that I needed to terminate. I didn't have decent health insurance, I lived with a roommate in an iffy neighborhood, and my job environment was not a single-mom-friendly one.

So I did it, and was very, very relieved. I think about it every now and then and wonder how life would have turned out, especially knowing now that DH and I would have ended up together (or would we?). But it always ends in remembering how emotionally, financially, and mentally unprepared I was to have a child. I think that if you're reasonably certain you won't question yourself much later on, then this is the right decision. But if it's a struggle right now, then you could be setting yourself up for some serious emotional baggage, and that's also not going to be easy on your family. I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other, just give you my perspective. It's not an easy decision, that's for sure. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP:

We kept number two. We did consider terminating, me for about two seconds after it was out of my mouth, and DH longer. We decided to keep her because we had recently decided to stop at one, but we had one night with a little too much wine and it wasn't the right time in my cycle anyway, and oops. It was hard for us to decide to stop at one, and we felt like this new baby must be divine intervention. Yes, we had some rough patches after #1 was born, but we went to marriage counseling and we both were behind this and it was gonna be great!

What then followed was a very long and ugly multi-year downward spiral. My husband became an alcoholic. We were about as toxic a house as you could see without anyone having phoned 911. I constantly weighed when it would be more damaging to the kids for me to stay than it would be to leave. We tried counseling, but it didn't work. I went to counseling on my own, got stronger and moved forward with plans to divorce my husband.

Ultimately, the ship righted itself, luckily with the last couple of years. DC#2 is 6. In the depths of my despair - you know, during the days when I thought - a lot - about hanging myself? - I never once said I wish she had not been born.

But I do look friends in the eye - the ones who say, "How great! It worked out for you in the end. That was just a little ol' rough patch" - and say that I honestly do not know whether the pain was worth it. I am not at all sure, really, that I should have made myself live through that.

The fear you have about what it could do to your marriage is real. What you have to answer is whether that is a risk you want to take. Honestly, standing here even now, in a now-happy marriage with a really amazing daughter - can I just tell you how smart and sweet and beautiful she is? - I am still not sure what the right answer to the question you face is.

Peace to you, and your husband, and to your family.

[Anonymous]

Our 3rd was unplanned. I cried buckets when the pregnancy test was positive. DH was working for a bank during the financial crisis and was in the middle of a very real nervous breakdown. I had stopped nursing 6 weeks before getting pregnant. It took us 2.5 years to agree to have a 2nd child and all the stress from that and DH's work drama and our marriage was in the toilet. There was no way in hell we were going to have 3.

Fast forward to now. DC3 is 18 months. DH left a job, got laid off from a job and we had to move out of the state where we lived. I would have never predicted all this when I got the positive test over 2 years ago. Life is messy and it's been hard. DH and I are committed to each other and our children. We used extra income to hire help and ease the load as much as we could. We decided we weren't going to let a couple of rough years define for us what it meant to be a family with 3 children. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and while I can't say I'd go back and plan it this way but I'm glad we are where we are.

If you've ever seen the movie Parenthood, in the end the Steve Martin character and his wife are unexpectedly pregnant and really at odds over it. He envisions a roller coaster and talks about how life has it's ups/downs, twist/turns and is one thrilling ride. It might seem trite to compare a real life scenario to a movie, but while I don't recall the scene verbatim, the analogy was one that stuck with me.

[Anonymous]

the fact that you want another in about 1.5 doesn't make sense to abort. A baby is such a blessing. I was pregnant with my first at 27 after one cycle, and I am now 31 with unexplained infertility. You don't know what cards your life holds. If you abort, please remember you may not be able to get pregnant again. A baby is the biggest blessing. For me #1 was completely unplanned and I only found out as I was nearing my last trimester. I now realize she is a blessing and altho we never planned on having kids for several years down the road had we waited, we never would have had that first child. I now firmly believe that God plans our lives the way they were meant to be. Of course you have a choice, but don't take it lightly (which I know you're not) but if it's all about a timeframe as small as 1.5yrs, to me I don't think it makes sense to terminate this life. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I meant to say i found out as I was nearing the end of trimester 1

[Anonymous]

I know I don't know you, OP, but I support you in whatever decision you make. Know that there's someone out there who does while you're reading the rest of these comments.

[Anonymous]

We absolutely positively cannot sustain a 3rd child financially, even if one of us were to quit our job and SAH. We would have to move even further out than we are already, to a smaller house with a less expensive mortgage. It would be hell on us and our 2 children.

However, I've given this a lot of thought, and if the unthinkable does happen (IUDs aren't 100%), we would make it work. I'm as pro-choice as they come and I absolutely support your right to make the decision that you are grappling with, OP. However, I'm also of the mind that abortion should not be birth control. You're in an apparently good marriage, you all both seem capable and intelligent, and the only thing that is in your way is that you're just not ready yet. In my opinion that is NOT a good enough reason to have an abortion. Fear of the unknown is not a good enough reason. Being single and alone and with few options is one thing, or having been raped or having to face the terrible choice of what to do about a fetus that has catastrophic and likely fatal disorders. However, not being ready because you want to grow your business just isn't good enough.

[Anonymous]

[quote I feel that it's important to raise our DC in a calm and loving environment that's as least stressful as possible. I think having this baby we'd definitely have to sacrifice a lot of that, instead of just enjoy these early years with our DC. We feel that we have about as much as we can handle on our plates right now while still remaining happy and not too overwhelmed.

Newsflash: There will be nothing calm or serene about having a second child, whether it's now or down the road. You're going to be stressed. You'll have to make sacrifices. You probably won't enjoy all of those early years. It will be hard on your DC. It will be hard on your marriage. It will be hard on your business. There will be less space, less money, more aggravation. This will be true NO MATTER WHEN you have your second child. So now is as good a time as any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll. No way the OP would talk about "blessings" and be so open to killing the second child.

I disagree. I see that a baby brings many blessings...but if I were newly pregnant, just got an EPT so what, 6 weeks post conception? That's not a baby to me, it's a pregnancy, and I'd be able to think about terminating. Whicle acknoledging that an infant is a blessing, though of course also at times a hige burden, definitely more than I'd want to take on right now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:let me preface this by saying i am prochoice. that being said, it seems as though you are pro-convenience.

Perfectly said.

I completely agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Abortion is not birth control.
How can a married woman, mother of a child already be "surprised" by a pregnancy?

You may have heard that no form of birth control is 100% effective. In over 15 years of having sex, this is my first unplanned pregnancy. So I'm not exactly using abortion as birth control, but thanks for your insight.

I know plenty of people have survived much harder circumstances and come out happy and in tact. And that could happen to us too. I know very well that children are one of life's greatest joys. But I also think I have to consider the other side - it's a real threat to a marriage to pile on financial stress, sleepless nights, and all the other stuff that comes with it when neither party is fully prepared or on board. A hard year or two can puts cracks in a marriage that may or may not mend. To me, having a strong marriage is vitally important for providing the best environment for DC. I'm not so worried about the child losing our attention and focus, but I am worried that me and DH may become unhappy, stressed, and just not the kind of parents we want to be if we bite off more than we can chew.

I know nothing is guaranteed and you can't control everything in life, but I do think it's worth considering the impact the immediate stress will have on our home and family during our child's early years. And I agree that everyone is different in the amount of stress and chaos they can thrive in. I see moms of four and am in awe of how they hold it all together, but I know that I couldn't do it and still remain a happy balanced person. It's not who I am - I deal better with stress in small quantities. That can't always be controlled, but in this case there is a choice.

Thank you to those that have shared personal anecdotes, they were very helpful to read. DH and I do have more talking to do, but I thought it might be helpful to hear from those who have been in similar situations and it's not exactly something you can discuss in real life. Good idea to explore best and worst case scenarios for both options. Thanks again.

OP, I haven't been in your shoes, as my kids are a totally planned 2.5 years apart. But your comment on marriage struck me. My husband and I have a pretty rock solid marriage, and I think a lot of that has to do with the times of insane stress and hardship that we have endured. It's through having to depend on each other, be totally "real" with each other, find humor and grace in seemingly absurd moments, sacrifice and make hard compromises, learn to parent in ways that feel authentic to us, that we've been able to strengthen our marriage. I'm not saying that's how it works out for everyone, but to me a happy marriage isn't made just when life is all sunshine and roses.

[Anonymous]

OP I was in your shoes and decided to terminate as we had 1, we're not yet sure about having 2, had just moved and both started new jobs and had dealt with major family issues, marital strain and anxiety and were not ready at all. At the time I felt absolutely certain it was the right decision and still do. 2 years later and we are pregnant with #2 and are planning on having the baby. Raising children is one of the hardest and important jobs there is, and timing can matter. No one but you and your husband will know what is right for your family, and there should be no shame in exploring all options, with a focus on the child you already have, your marriage, your financial and emotional stability and readiness to take on the challenges of another child if you really do not feel ready. There is no perfect time, but there can be wrong times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll. No way the OP would talk about "blessings" and be so open to killing the second child.

I disagree. I see that a baby brings many blessings...but if I were newly pregnant, just got an EPT so what, 6 weeks post conception? That's not a baby to me, it's a pregnancy, and I'd be able to think about terminating. Whicle acknoledging that an infant is a blessing, though of course also at times a hige burden, definitely more than I'd want to take on right now!

OP here, definitely not a troll. Thanks to the above poster, I agree with you though it's still not an easy decision to make. It's not a baby to me yet either, but the potential of a baby. I can't believe that anyone who claims to be pro-choice could use such inflammatory language as 'killing' a child, heartless, or immoral. I assure you that this has been the most difficult decision we've had to make and we've shed many tears. But I expected that this post would bring out the pro-life crazies, so no surprise there and luckily I'm heartless enough to be able to ignore them pretty easily.

Thanks so much to those who have added something to the discussion and shared their experiences. It's helped to read perspectives from those who have continued the pregnancy as well as those who chose to terminate. My husband and I talked again and are about 95% sure of what we're going to do. We're very lucky to be on the same page, I can't imagine how hard it'd be if each of us was on opposite sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a first time parent at 46 who spent 7 years doing extensive treatment for my wife who had health issues, and finally got to the point that we were only able to succeed in being parent by another 4 years of difficult IVF that ended up requiring us to use a gestational surrogate to carry out children, I'm surprised that I find myself on the opposite side than I would have expected from the avid pro-choicers. Having twins, I can say that this is VERY, VERY hard work and completely life changing. The OP clearly understands that and thinks that at this point in their lives, the new baby will disrupt their lives sufficiently that they may not be able to get it back on track later. For those of us who work in offices, it's much easier to put your life on hold for a couple of years and then get back on track. For an entrepreneur who has a business that may collapse without the attention that she and DH need to devote to it, having a child at the wrong time can be disastrous. I sympathize with your very difficult decision.
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OP here - Thank you for sharing this. I think it's very hard for those who haven't been there to understand the stresses of starting up one's own company. It's much different and we've worked much harder than we ever had at any job before. So yes, that does add a unique element to this dilemma. Our work isn't over at 6 or 7pm, many times we break and then finish things up later after child is asleep. So those early months, when child never slept for long, were HARD for both of us. My husband was shouldering all of the work burden alone on little sleep, and I was shouldering a vast majority of the baby tending with little relief because he was so busy working.