Unhappily Surprised by Second Pregnancy

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are really looking for people to support you decision to terminate your pregnancy. It seems like some part of you is still ambivalent or worries that you will regret the decision, but that overall you feel that not continuing the pregnancy is best. You haven't made any indication that you really want this baby. I doubt you'll ever be able to get to a place where you feel 100% with your decision...either way, there will be some rough water ahead, as you either figure out how to incorporate another child into your life, or deal with the emotional fallout (if any) from ending your pregnancy. It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person who is trying to do what's best for yourself and your family. Having had an unplanned child myself, it's hard in retrospect for me to imagine terminating (because she's here and she's great, and I don't even get now why I was so freaked out about being pregnant with her), but I didn't own my own business or feel as strongly as you seem to, about how negatively a baby would impact my life.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar position. I found out on Sunday morning that I am pregnant with Baby #3. We were irresponsible. Switching birth control and not using protection in between. Both children were conceived with fertility treatments so I never ever thought I would get pregnant on my own. My children are 2 years old and 7 months old. Both pregnancies had their own complications and I also struggled with ppd after my first child was born after an extended nicu stay.

We did not plan on having a third child. I've just lost all my baby weight and accepted a new position and am scheduled to speak at several conferences next year all around my edd so I also understand what it's like to feel like the timing is not right. I feel really shocked and stressed about this pregnancy. I found myself googling abortion options this afternoon and just crying about it. I feel completely overwhelmed just thinking about managing a 3 year old, a 15 month old and a newborn.

I am pro-choice but because of all I went through to have my first two children, I've realized that the only choice for me is to have this baby. I'm afraid I'll never forgive myself if I don't. Having a third child definitely wasn't the plan, but it's the plan now.

I'm not going to judge you, OP if you end up making a different choice than me. I just wanted to share my story (reading the title of your post really hit home) and wish you good luck. I know the decision is not an easy one, but I hope you are able to find peace and contentment within yourself with whatever decision you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a first time parent at 46 who spent 7 years doing extensive treatment for my wife who had health issues, and finally got to the point that we were only able to succeed in being parent by another 4 years of difficult IVF that ended up requiring us to use a gestational surrogate to carry out children, I'm surprised that I find myself on the opposite side than I would have expected from the avid pro-choicers. Having twins, I can say that this is VERY, VERY hard work and completely life changing. The OP clearly understands that and thinks that at this point in their lives, the new baby will disrupt their lives sufficiently that they may not be able to get it back on track later. For those of us who work in offices, it's much easier to put your life on hold for a couple of years and then get back on track. For an entrepreneur who has a business that may collapse without the attention that she and DH need to devote to it, having a child at the wrong time can be disastrous. I sympathize with your very difficult decision.
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OP here - Thank you for sharing this. I think it's very hard for those who haven't been there to understand the stresses of starting up one's own company. It's much different and we've worked much harder than we ever had at any job before. So yes, that does add a unique element to this dilemma. Our work isn't over at 6 or 7pm, many times we break and then finish things up later after child is asleep. So those early months, when child never slept for long, were HARD for both of us. My husband was shouldering all of the work burden alone on little sleep, and I was shouldering a vast majority of the baby tending with little relief because he was so busy working.

Self greed from potential monetary returns can't be inconvienenced by children. Abortion should'nt be used as birth control, it is a major procedure. Our society has deemed it ok.

So, if the parents have this child, cannot support the business and the business collapses and they are no longer able to support their family, are you going to be there to pay for their financial well-being to ensure that not one, but two children have a roof over their heads, food to eat and clothing to wear? Or are you going to sit back with your secure source of income and tsk, tsk, tsk these parents for being failures. It isn't self-greed, it's self-preservation. This is their only source of income. And, lest you suggest that one or both of them can get another job, mention that to the millions of Americans who are currently still unemployed after YEARS; Americans who have experience that companies would be willing to hire for. These people are entrepreneurs and often the skills that make the most successful small business owners, do not necessarily translate into skills that other companies can use and would be willing to pay for. It's easy to sit on your ivory tower and cast stones at the poor OP, but as several other threads here on DCUM have pointed out, it is irresponsible to bring a child into this world if you can't financially support it. Having this child, may make or break this small business of the families as they have to deal with not one, but two parents who are intimately and significantly involved in the family business. They barely made it through the last time with the first child and you want them to do this with two children?

I definitely can understand OP's dilemma. It's nice and easy for all of you to sit back and make this decision with one or two incomes that are not dependent upon being a small business owner who has to do everything him/herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar position. I found out on Sunday morning that I am pregnant with Baby #3. We were irresponsible. Switching birth control and not using protection in between. Both children were conceived with fertility treatments so I never ever thought I would get pregnant on my own. My children are 2 years old and 7 months old. Both pregnancies had their own complications and I also struggled with ppd after my first child was born after an extended nicu stay.

We did not plan on having a third child. I've just lost all my baby weight and accepted a new position and am scheduled to speak at several conferences next year all around my edd so I also understand what it's like to feel like the timing is not right. I feel really shocked and stressed about this pregnancy. I found myself googling abortion options this afternoon and just crying about it. I feel completely overwhelmed just thinking about managing a 3 year old, a 15 month old and a newborn.

I am pro-choice but because of all I went through to have my first two children, I've realized that the only choice for me is to have this baby. I'm afraid I'll never forgive myself if I don't. Having a third child definitely wasn't the plan, but it's the plan now.

I'm not going to judge you, OP if you end up making a different choice than me. I just wanted to share my story (reading the title of your post really hit home) and wish you good luck. I know the decision is not an easy one, but I hope you are able to find peace and contentment within yourself with whatever decision you choose.

Thank you, I'm sorry you're going through this too. Best of luck to you with your pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

I had an abortion when I was 16. I'm now single and 37, probably will never have a baby.

I regret it every day. Don't do it, you never know what cards the future holds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No one is making the OP start a small business, it is their own self greed for monetary gain. Also If the business failed unless the OP are worthless and stupid they can get a normal salaried job, we are in the DC area. Your arguement is null and void.

A judgmental twit who cannot read. The OP ALREADY HAS a small business that underwent severe difficulties when they had their first child. DH was trying to keep the business afloat himself on very little sleep while OP was trying to handle the child single-handedly, also under sleep deprivation. They had extreme difficulties the first time and that is why they have the dilemma this time.

And while you think they can get a normal salaried job, the current unemployment rate in the district is 11%--one of the highest in the nation. Have you not read anything about the various Occupy movements? The point is that there are millions of people out of work. DH and OP may or may not be able to get another job immediately. Go back under the rock you crawled out from because you really aren't very much in tune with the current employment picture.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I was hired when DC was born. During the interview, MB told me they were planning for a second 'in a couple years'. We always talked about the new addition who would arrive someday. MB got a promotion, so they didn't start trying until DC was 2.5... DC is now 5 and MB is doing IVF because she can't get pregnant. There's no guarantees in life.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be made to feel guilty over the PPs saying their friends or bosses suffer from infertility and bc there are so many people who want babies but cannot have them, you are selfish. My older sister had a stillborn baby and it was, of course, devastating for her. It was terrible for me too bc I was a young teen and her support system bc her husband preferred to grieve alone. I still cry over it when I think of it.

That said, I am pro-abortion rights and so is my sister. My sister's pregnancy was a wanted one that would have been born into a stable time in her life. Someone else's infertility or child loss DOES NOT make you selfish or a bad person for deciding to end a pregnancy that you do not want to bring to term. Having children is a selfish act itself (not that that's a bad thing), so don't allow yourself to be shamed by accusations of being selfish.

And yes, maybe if you get an abortion you won't be able to conceive later. But there are plenty of women who go on to conceive after having had abortions. Maybe you can find some unbiased (neither extremely pro-life or extremely pro-choice) abortion stories that show a range of experiences and emotions. I came across a site like that once but cant remember the name. I do remember a specific story of a woman who terminated a pregnancy because it came at an awful, hectic time in her life. A year later, things had turned around and she and her partner conceived a birthed a healthy child. Don't make your decision based on fear, whether or not you decide to terminate the pregnancy. What is best for your and your family's emotional and financial well-being is what matters.

(please excuse any typos, woke up at 3:30 am for some reason and decided to get on DCUM )

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm pro-life, but I understand that sometimes it's in the best interests of a child if the parents abort. When parents don't abort, the can end up resenting and mistreating the child. Don't put yourselves and your unborn child in that situation. I was an unwanted child, and, while, as an adult, I'm glad to be alive, if I'd been magically able to influence my parents' decision about the pregnancy, I would absolutely have supported abortion.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you.

I am pro-life (going to be upfront about it), but I have also had an unplanned pregnancy that I cried buckets over, for days and days (no exaggeration). If I were pro-choice, I probably would've considered an abortion. So from that experience, I do understand and have empathy for you, because my pregnancy came at the worst possible time ever for DH, me, and our first child. Anyway, as I'm pro-life, I did have the baby and I can't imagine life without him. I didn't connect with him while he was in the womb and didn't really feel all that maternal for awhile after his birth, but somewhere down the line, I fell in love. I do know that life is harder with two children, but it's better too.

Good luck to you, whatever your decision may be.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, how do you feel about just the pregnancy part? Would you consider adoption? My bio mother was too young and just could not handle a baby and I ended with an incredible family and life is good. I know it is hard, but I just know too many couples with failed IVFs and looking for a baby..... It would be a gift.....

And I am pro-choice too

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been there. #2 was unexpected and too much for us for a variety of reasons. I'll be honest: it almost destroyed our marriage, but 7 years later we are still together as a family of 3 I often wonder what would have been, but I am also at peace with my decision.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have made up your mind about not wanting this inconvenient baby. Then give it to me. I just had my 3rd miscarriage one week ago. I will take your baby at a heart beat. A really young squirrel dropped down from its home in our neighbor's roof into our yard, we brought it in, we wanted to take care of the baby but realized that we don't know how to, so we called up animal shelter to pick up the baby squirrel. Everyone has a soft spot for babies. Don't kill your baby. Think of Steve Jobs. If his mother aborted him, what a loss to the world it would be ... Don't kill your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been there. #2 was unexpected and too much for us for a variety of reasons. I'll be honest: it almost destroyed our marriage, but 7 years later we are still together as a family of 3 I often wonder what would have been, but I am also at peace with my decision.

I'm pro-choice, except for when it comes to my uterus.

We also had a very very unexpected number 2 (unexpected because of past infertility.) Having baby 1 almost destroyed our marriage and so we were very comfortable with our decision to have 1. DC 2 is 8 months old, the marriage is rocky but this time we both recognize that this is a moment in time. Even if life is difficult now, the baby is an absolute joy and I'm thankful for him each and every day. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you have made up your mind about not wanting this inconvenient baby. Then give it to me. I just had my 3rd miscarriage one week ago. I will take your baby at a heart beat. A really young squirrel dropped down from its home in our neighbor's roof into our yard, we brought it in, we wanted to take care of the baby but realized that we don't know how to, so we called up animal shelter to pick up the baby squirrel. Everyone has a soft spot for babies. Don't kill your baby. Think of Steve Jobs. If his mother aborted him, what a loss to the world it would be ... Don't kill your baby.

I'm another one that would take your baby, and as crazy as it sounds to say this over DCUM, I am completely serious. In fact, I would even care for your baby for a year or two until you felt ready to take him or her back into your life. I'm a SAHM, DH has a great job, and we are considering becoming foster parents (or even adopting a special needs child) because we would like to have more children in our lives. After our second child, we waited two years to TTC, but found out at that time that I was going through premature menopause (at age 33). Unfortunately for us, this meant we would not be able to have any more children.

Anyway, I just wanted to echo what a couple others have said. You could carry this baby to term, and if you still feel like you cannot make it work, allow someone else the joy of raising (either permanently or temporarily) your baby.