paying for "extras" on top of child support

[Anonymous]

"But what hasn't been disclosed to the kids is the HUGE amount she gets in alimony. If there was any fairness to it, there would be no alimony and the child support should be higher. "

What was the Court's reasoning/basis for the HUGE alimony amount?

[Anonymous]

The court's reasoning was because at the time of the divorce, she had taken a low paying job ($38k/yr). She has a BS in computer science. I don't know how much she makes now, but 3 years after the divorce, she was making $75k/year. Most people don't double their pay in 3 years, unless you were underpaid before.
Frankly, my husbands attorney should have asked for "potential income" to be considered based on her work experience and education.

[Anonymous]

10:31 You sound very angry and resentful. You are really emotionally invested in the details of DH's alimony and child support. If it's as effed up as you describe, why doesn't DH renegotiate? Isn't there an annual recalculation? Is DH secretly fine with his generosity, and you resent that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:31 You sound very angry and resentful. You are really emotionally invested in the details of DH's alimony and child support. If it's as effed up as you describe, why doesn't DH renegotiate? Isn't there an annual recalculation? Is DH secretly fine with his generosity, and you resent that?

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:31 You sound very angry and resentful. You are really emotionally invested in the details of DH's alimony and child support. If it's as effed up as you describe, why doesn't DH renegotiate? Isn't there an annual recalculation? Is DH secretly fine with his generosity, and you resent that?

10:31 here. I am angry and resentful that she has portrayed my DH as unsupportive of the kids. She has told him not to disclose the financial arrangement, although she has told the children that they can't have this or that because she gets so little in child support. It infuriates me that his relationship with his children has been undermined because they think he pays very little in child support. And technically - it is true - he pays little in child support because her attorney recommended high alimony and low child support (I have no idea why...). The court completely went with her attorney's recommendation. But its not like she's not getting any money.
He did attempt to renogiate twice. Once before we were married, he tried for joint legal custody at appeal, and he was denied because his lawyer never told him he had to arrange for an in-home visit from child welfare or something. Then, we renogotiated when the oldest turned 18 3 years after the divorce was finalized. She slow rolled it for a year. We ultimately "won", but it cost us more in legal fees than we gained in lowering the child support. So we will not touch it again.
I am all about supporting his children. I just think alimony is a farce, and is the way she chooses to paint him out to be unsupportive by (accurately) stating he pays little in child support, while leaving out that she makes a ton from him in alimony. She once told the kids they had to move because she couldn't afford the house because of him (she could afford the house, she just wanted to move in with her boyfriend). So yes, call me angry and resentful.
I hope one day they realize that he is not un-supportive.

[Anonymous]

They usually have one pay more in alimony as there are tax breaks and other benefits to that vs. paying child support. It is crazy high and my husband was doing the same. His ex actually took him to court as she got greedy and wanted my income and a lot more and it turned out the court took two kids off of child support, stopped the alimony - he continued to pay the same amount as it wasn't worth the war in court after it was over, and the child support was reduced. PLUS, he got more visitation & phone contact. While it sounded great, there is nothing to do to force the contact/visitation so that only lasted as long as court had monitored the situation and as soon as it closed the case, no contact and just money demands. (We stopped all extra's and said if the child needs something to send us a list and we will buy it/mail or send the money directly to the school. She wanted to play up the dead beat dad who isn't helping so if he did things directly it wasn't ok with her so she stopped asking. I love how there is an office to enforce child support/money BUT there is no office to help with visitation/contact and other issues that equally impact children (except the costly route of hiring an attorney and when you pay child support, alimony, extras and need something to live, who can pay that).

[Anonymous]

10:31 DH can correct that with the TRUTH. The children are older, correct? You are so embroiled with this! It's really pretty common, these tensions about finances and time. Maybe step back a bit and chill? Not clear how it's affecting your world.

[Anonymous]

THIS is why I don't date men with minor children.

Too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:31 DH can correct that with the TRUTH. The children are older, correct? You are so embroiled with this! It's really pretty common, these tensions about finances and time. Maybe step back a bit and chill? Not clear how it's affecting your world.

I don't need to step back and chill. I've accepted it. Its just seeing all these other posters dog-pile on the OP and create some sort of lie that she's an evil stepmom brings back my feelings of anger and resentment I have to our current situation. Its nothing I dwell on day to day.
Anyway, we don't talk $ with the kids. We never have. We don't want to stoop to her level. We also realize that if we did, she would go crazy and make up some other lies to tell the boys.
Like I wrote, I hope someday they realize that he wasn't as un-supportive as she paints him out to be.

[Anonymous]

"Like I wrote, I hope someday they realize that he wasn't as un-supportive as she paints him out to be. "

Hope is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They usually have one pay more in alimony as there are tax breaks and other benefits to that vs. paying child support. It is crazy high and my husband was doing the same. His ex actually took him to court as she got greedy and wanted my income and a lot more and it turned out the court took two kids off of child support, stopped the alimony - he continued to pay the same amount as it wasn't worth the war in court after it was over, and the child support was reduced. PLUS, he got more visitation & phone contact. While it sounded great, there is nothing to do to force the contact/visitation so that only lasted as long as court had monitored the situation and as soon as it closed the case, no contact and just money demands. (We stopped all extra's and said if the child needs something to send us a list and we will buy it/mail or send the money directly to the school. She wanted to play up the dead beat dad who isn't helping so if he did things directly it wasn't ok with her so she stopped asking. I love how there is an office to enforce child support/money BUT there is no office to help with visitation/contact and other issues that equally impact children (except the costly route of hiring an attorney and when you pay child support, alimony, extras and need something to live, who can pay that).

There is an office to enforce vistiation it is called court. The more I read this crap the less and less likely I am to even ask for suport. Sheesh! Just keeping the stupid out will make out lives better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The court's reasoning was because at the time of the divorce, she had taken a low paying job ($38k/yr). She has a BS in computer science. I don't know how much she makes now, but 3 years after the divorce, she was making $75k/year. Most people don't double their pay in 3 years, unless you were underpaid before.
Frankly, my husbands attorney should have asked for "potential income" to be considered based on her work experience and education.

This is BS BS BS. unless you read the case full complaint, answer, and the financial findings as well as have the truth of what was promissed when you are in nopostion to say her alimony is too freakin' much. Now I'm starting to hate stepmoms and I am probably going to be one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have one pay more in alimony as there are tax breaks and other benefits to that vs. paying child support. It is crazy high and my husband was doing the same. His ex actually took him to court as she got greedy and wanted my income and a lot more and it turned out the court took two kids off of child support, stopped the alimony - he continued to pay the same amount as it wasn't worth the war in court after it was over, and the child support was reduced. PLUS, he got more visitation & phone contact. While it sounded great, there is nothing to do to force the contact/visitation so that only lasted as long as court had monitored the situation and as soon as it closed the case, no contact and just money demands. (We stopped all extra's and said if the child needs something to send us a list and we will buy it/mail or send the money directly to the school. She wanted to play up the dead beat dad who isn't helping so if he did things directly it wasn't ok with her so she stopped asking. I love how there is an office to enforce child support/money BUT there is no office to help with visitation/contact and other issues that equally impact children (except the costly route of hiring an attorney and when you pay child support, alimony, extras and need something to live, who can pay that).

There is an office to enforce vistiation it is called court. The more I read this crap the less and less likely I am to even ask for suport. Sheesh! Just keeping the stupid out will make out lives better.

Court is not an office for enforcing visitation. It is court! It is very expensive. Clearly you haven't had to fight just to see your child. A custodial parent can go to the office for child support and file for free. They will (ok, they aren't great but try) take care of everything and enforce that it gets paid. AGAIN, it is free to make sure the CP gets there money. If a parent doesn't get their visitation, they can't simply walk into an office for free and say, hey, my ex will not let me see my kids. I pay full and above child support and all I ask for is to be a dad/parent. You have to hire an attorney and come up with usually several thousand upfront and beg for visitation and then maybe the CP will allow visitation. If they don't, they rarely hold a CP in contempt or throw them in jail, like they would for failure to pay child support. NCP's/Fathers are basically only good for money! (except for the rare wonderful CP's who encourage the relationship)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The court's reasoning was because at the time of the divorce, she had taken a low paying job ($38k/yr). She has a BS in computer science. I don't know how much she makes now, but 3 years after the divorce, she was making $75k/year. Most people don't double their pay in 3 years, unless you were underpaid before.
Frankly, my husbands attorney should have asked for "potential income" to be considered based on her work experience and education.

This is BS BS BS. unless you read the case full complaint, answer, and the financial findings as well as have the truth of what was promissed when you are in nopostion to say her alimony is too freakin' much. Now I'm starting to hate stepmoms and I am probably going to be one.

Actually, I have read it all. I requested all 175 pages of it. Got it in 4 days from the couty clerk. Have all the various orders and other legal paperwork from the lawyer. DH gave me full authority to deal with any legal issues. So I do know. And I have a BS in computer science, so I know what others in my field make. His lawyer was an idiot, and did not remotely question any of her claims. He should have noticed that she had a pay raise (general public knowledge that at a certain time of year EVERY year state employees get a raise). He let things slide. I wish I would have known DH when he was getting divorced because reading through the transcripts, things were said and asked that were not remotely legally admissable, and he did not stand up for himself at all. For instance, during testimony, the ex had DH's brothers wife testify. She said she heard from her husband that DH had got girlfriend after they separated. Not sure how any of that is remotely admissable - pure heresay. And DH did not bring up that she too dated during their separation. He felt it wasn't relevant to the divorce. It wasn't, but neither was his dating after separation yet it got brought up. There was no affair that broke up the marriage. The marriage mutually was over and they both dated during the 3 years it took for the divorce to be finalized.

FWIW, I went through all the documents because I wanted to know the whole story. I know DH (or anyone for that matter) only gives their version of what happened. Then there's the other side's version. And somewhere in between is the truth. So there's things she claimed that I can totally see DH doing. And there's other things that I hear from MIL (who is good friends with ex) that solidify some of the things that he told me were issues. So I know based on what I've heard and read that she was a lazy slob, and he was a high strung workaholic. They were not remotely compatible and both are to blame for the divorce.

Not sure why this makes you want to hate stepmoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They usually have one pay more in alimony as there are tax breaks and other benefits to that vs. paying child support. It is crazy high and my husband was doing the same. His ex actually took him to court as she got greedy and wanted my income and a lot more and it turned out the court took two kids off of child support, stopped the alimony - he continued to pay the same amount as it wasn't worth the war in court after it was over, and the child support was reduced. PLUS, he got more visitation & phone contact. While it sounded great, there is nothing to do to force the contact/visitation so that only lasted as long as court had monitored the situation and as soon as it closed the case, no contact and just money demands. (We stopped all extra's and said if the child needs something to send us a list and we will buy it/mail or send the money directly to the school. She wanted to play up the dead beat dad who isn't helping so if he did things directly it wasn't ok with her so she stopped asking. I love how there is an office to enforce child support/money BUT there is no office to help with visitation/contact and other issues that equally impact children (except the costly route of hiring an attorney and when you pay child support, alimony, extras and need something to live, who can pay that).

There is an office to enforce vistiation it is called court. The more I read this crap the less and less likely I am to even ask for suport. Sheesh! Just keeping the stupid out will make out lives better.

Court is not an office for enforcing visitation. It is court! It is very expensive. Clearly you haven't had to fight just to see your child. A custodial parent can go to the office for child support and file for free. They will (ok, they aren't great but try) take care of everything and enforce that it gets paid. AGAIN, it is free to make sure the CP gets there money. If a parent doesn't get their visitation, they can't simply walk into an office for free and say, hey, my ex will not let me see my kids. I pay full and above child support and all I ask for is to be a dad/parent. You have to hire an attorney and come up with usually several thousand upfront and beg for visitation and then maybe the CP will allow visitation. If they don't, they rarely hold a CP in contempt or throw them in jail, like they would for failure to pay child support. NCP's/Fathers are basically only good for money! (except for the rare wonderful CP's who encourage the relationship)

I hate this. My DH wants to be involved. It's not so much that his ex won't let him, but she's passive agressive and told them they don't have to visit and they can hang out with friends or go on other trips instead. So then DH gets to be the bad guy if he makes them visit.