paying for "extras" on top of child support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP admits DH is underpaying his ex by several hundred dollars a month! OP is asking what the norm is. There is no norm, there's a range of norms, and what DH is doing is pretty common. I know a divorced mother of three and her ex pays all the private school tuition even though her parents are wealthy.

By the way, if DH is paying all the expenses but underpaying child support, he's really not paying all the expenses. Clear?

Why would you go to court? Spend the money on camp for the child, not lawyers!

$1400 a month for one child in Maryland is perfectly reasonable given that is dad's share and mom also has an obligation to support her child and contribute too. It shouldn't take $2800 to raise one child in less you are in a position that you can afford it or choose to spend your money in that way. Just because you know one person who is very demanding with high expectations does not mean its reasonable. And, her parents have no obligation to pay for her child. They are her and the fathers responsibility. Instead of exclusively relying on their father (or her parents) maybe she should step up more.

$1400 for one child reasonable? Really, daycare can be more than $1400. You do know kids eat and need clothing too. Don't get me wrong the child supports sheet is a great base but if you can give more for your kid why would you not?

[Anonymous]

$1400 sounds like a fortune to me! I receive about $350 a month in Maryland. It is based on the NCP's income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it really doesn't matter what the norm is. The real question is are you doing right by the child. You are paying $1400 in child support. The first $400 to $500 goes to childcare. The next $400 to $500 goes to food and medical copays. That leaves $400 to $500 for the increased costs of housing, clothing, braces (I throw this in because you are almost there with an 8 year old and it's a killer cost) and all of the other things you have to pay for when you have a kid. Sounds to me like in terms of child support, you are doing great. But, then there are the things that as a parent you want to give your child. This is over and above support. Some people want to give their kids great experiences. Some lots of activities. Some a summer pool membership. Some the experience of summer camp. Some want to give private school. Some want to offer educational support in terms of tutoring. What you have to figure out is what it is that you want to give your stepson, in addition to what it costs to raise him, and then pay for it. If you get a request for something that you don't think he needs, then don't. If you get a request that you can't afford, you say no. If you get a request that interferes with what you want to give your other kids (which I don't think you have yet), balance out the needs of all the kids and divide your resources between them.

As for going back to the courts, my question to you is why. Is there really a reason you can't work this out. I am one of five kids, all of whose siblings have divorced and had child support and custody issues/battles. So, I've lived with this up close and personal for more than 20 years now. The thing that seems to have worked best in my family is where the parents worked things out amongst themselves. Courts are adversarial and if things are working, albeit in an unorthodox way, why not keep it working. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

This is an expensive way to live. Even if dad is paying half of all custodial expenses (and if he has visitation, then it shouldn't be half) then childcare for an 8 yr old is costing 800-1000/month, food and medical is costing 800-1000/month and housing costs (independent of the ex's own costs) are another 800-100/month. That is way overestimating these costs in my opinion. There is no way some of the $1400 couldn't go towards activities. I have 4 kids - there is no way they each cost me anything close to $2800 a month beyond my own expenses (which mom and dad both have).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP admits DH is underpaying his ex by several hundred dollars a month! OP is asking what the norm is. There is no norm, there's a range of norms, and what DH is doing is pretty common. I know a divorced mother of three and her ex pays all the private school tuition even though her parents are wealthy.

By the way, if DH is paying all the expenses but underpaying child support, he's really not paying all the expenses. Clear?

Why would you go to court? Spend the money on camp for the child, not lawyers!

$1400 a month for one child in Maryland is perfectly reasonable given that is dad's share and mom also has an obligation to support her child and contribute too. It shouldn't take $2800 to raise one child in less you are in a position that you can afford it or choose to spend your money in that way. Just because you know one person who is very demanding with high expectations does not mean its reasonable. And, her parents have no obligation to pay for her child. They are her and the fathers responsibility. Instead of exclusively relying on their father (or her parents) maybe she should step up more.

$1400 for one child reasonable? Really, daycare can be more than $1400. You do know kids eat and need clothing too. Don't get me

wrong the child supports sheet is a great base but if you can give more for your kid why would you not?

The child is not an infant or toddler needing expensive child care and MOM or cp should be providing a portion to half of the childs needs. Food should not be more than $200 max and many things are shared as is housing and utilities as mom needs a place to live too. Noris clothing if you shop reasonably and we have a toddler who outgrows clothing every few months. There is reasonable and then greedy. Dad has a right to enjoy his income like mom.

[Anonymous]

00:25 What state is this? (Not sure if you're OP.) Did your income go into the actual calculation? Or did they offset something because of higher taxes?

In DC, only the parent's income goes into the calculator. I'm in DC.

If you're OP, than what gives, you say if you went back to court you'd end up paying more by several hundred dollars a month.

[Anonymous]

Op here. No I was not PP. My income is not a factor into the child support payments although it is my understanding that if DH lost his job it would become one. We live in DC.

Just an update DH is going to pay for camp. He is going to use it as an opportunity to open up a dialogue with his ex. To the Pps who recommended mediation- thanks. He will probably have to go that route as he and his ex have a lot of difficulty communicating. But that is another post for another day. Also DH currently pays all medical and gives his ex money in the beginning of the school year for clothes. Our concern initially arose out of the tone of his ex's email regarding camp but we definitely want an amicable relationship for the sake of DSS and yes, after thinking things through we want to avoid court.

Thanks to the PPs who shared their experiences. These situations always seem to be complicated, and it is important for me and DH to always remember it is about DSS. I'm just being totally honest when I say it is easy to get wrapped up in emotional responses. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP admits DH is underpaying his ex by several hundred dollars a month! OP is asking what the norm is. There is no norm, there's a range of norms, and what DH is doing is pretty common. I know a divorced mother of three and her ex pays all the private school tuition even though her parents are wealthy.

By the way, if DH is paying all the expenses but underpaying child support, he's really not paying all the expenses. Clear?

Why would you go to court? Spend the money on camp for the child, not lawyers!

$1400 a month for one child in Maryland is perfectly reasonable given that is dad's share and mom also has an obligation to support her child and contribute too. It shouldn't take $2800 to raise one child in less you are in a position that you can afford it or choose to spend your money in that way. Just because you know one person who is very demanding with high expectations does not mean its reasonable. And, her parents have no obligation to pay for her child. They are her and the fathers responsibility. Instead of exclusively relying on their father (or her parents) maybe she should step up more.

$1400 for one child reasonable? Really, daycare can be more than $1400. You do know kids eat and need clothing too. Don't get me

wrong the child supports sheet is a great base but if you can give more for your kid why would you not?

The child is not an infant or toddler needing expensive child care and MOM or cp should be providing a portion to half of the childs needs. Food should not be more than $200 max and many things are shared as is housing and utilities as mom needs a place to live too. Noris clothing if you shop reasonably and we have a toddler who outgrows clothing every few months. There is reasonable and then greedy. Dad has a right to enjoy his income like mom.

If you can give more for your kid why would you not?
I have a friend he is a millionarie. He covers all the costs of the kids and still hooks-up the ex-wife clothes shoes whatever. She makes 6 figures as well. Does his wife care? Probably. Does he give a s*? No he loves his kids and wants them to have the best they can period. Would he and the new lady have more if the stuck to the balance sheet hells yea. But again he loves his kids and he wants them to have whatever they can afford.

[Anonymous]

OP,

The tone of an email started all this? Do you know how easily it is to misconstrue the tone of an email?

I bet she doesn't have an easy life. Sorry, but why can't he continue to pay what he's paying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

The tone of an email started all this? Do you know how easily it is to misconstrue the tone of an email?

I bet she doesn't have an easy life. Sorry, but why can't he continue to pay what he's paying?

I get the sense that mom keeps adding on, with expectations that OP's DH will pay, without prior consultation or discussion. This summer camp being an example. Not unreasonable for OP to ask whether there are ways to manage this so that it doesn't end up cycling out of control. It sounds like OP and her DH adore his son and want to do everything they can for him, while also not being at the whim of the mother.

[Anonymous]

7:33 That's not what OP described:

DH pays $1400/m in support, his ex lives in Charles County with a very low cost of living, and if he went back to court our payments would likely increase a few hundred dollars. He pays 100% of all extra activities which averages out to $100's more a month - so at the end of day he probably wouldn't give her any less than he does now.

This right here suggests they resent the financial because he's not overpaying her by OP's admission!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:33 That's not what OP described:

DH pays $1400/m in support, his ex lives in Charles County with a very low cost of living, and if he went back to court our payments would likely increase a few hundred dollars. He pays 100% of all extra activities which averages out to $100's more a month - so at the end of day he probably wouldn't give her any less than he does now.

This right here suggests they resent the financial because he's not overpaying her by OP's admission!

I interpreted that differently. She was pointing out that Charles County has a very low cost of living vis a vis DC, not that ex is poor and has a low standard of living.

[Anonymous]

The ex is not supposed to be paying the sole cost of raising the child which many of you seem to think. Yes, the mom needs to work and support her kid and the dad contributes not pays for everything! The mom is on a budget whether she wants to be or not and she can not afford all the extras. That's life. So the extra summer camp she wants - she should either pay for it or forgo it.

And I say this as a divorced mom with a school age child who receives child support...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ex is not supposed to be paying the sole cost of raising the child which many of you seem to think. Yes, the mom needs to work and support her kid and the dad contributes not pays for everything! The mom is on a budget whether she wants to be or not and she can not afford all the extras. That's life. So the extra summer camp she wants - she should either pay for it or forgo it.

And I say this as a divorced mom with a school age child who receives child support...

Harsh.

OP, the norm seems to be to resent child support and to constantly try to link it to some weakness in the mom, instead of what it is -- money to pay for things for one's own child.

If this were your child together, wouldn't you want him to go to camp? Wouldn't you pay for it if you could afford it? Almost everyone I know would. Why is it any different for your DH just because he is divorced? He is still raising a child.

I wouldn't consider skipping camp for my kids if I could afford to pay it. And I rarely get child support so I pay for everything. Can you imagine thinking, about your own children, "I already pay for your food, clothing and health insurance. I'm doing enough for you."

[Anonymous]

Op here. This is not about saying 'no' to DSS. We want to give him what he wants. The intention of this thread was to find out how others operate and if what DH is doing is unusual. We now recognize there is no normal and we want to continue to operate as DH has been. That said, DH and his ex need to better communicate about these requests. There are elements of his ex's past relationship with money that DSS's attitude about his dad being 'Rich' that also need to be addressed between DH and ex. I left that out of the initial post because I didn't think it was relevant to our initial question. All these factors is why we think we may need to get a mediator involved at some point as they are complicated. Also I'm not blaming the ex and I'm not resentful about paying for things we can afford.

Anyway thanks again for everyones help and perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: There are elements of his ex's past relationship with money that DSS's attitude about his dad being 'Rich' that also need to be addressed

Oops typo. Should be 'and' DSS's attitude not 'that'.