paying for "extras" on top of child support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If the mom wants/needs camp for her kid, she needs to pay for it."

This just sounds so wrong. It's like you're debating whether or not welfare should pay for the kid's camp. It's his own father you're talking about not contributing to his own kid's camp. Really sad that some children have to grow up feeling like their other parent resents having to pay for them. This person should never have kids in the first place if they resent the obligations that go along with them, including the financial ones.

It's also his own mother that we're talking about. She, too, should never have had kids if she couldn't afford them. That argument goes both ways. If her priorities for child's free time vary from OP's DH, then why should DH automatically be assumed to carry 100% of that burden, be it financial, logistical or otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So leave the kid home all summer with mom? learning and growing how? Kids need to be around other kids to learn and grow. Most kids will be in camp b/c their parents are at work. Again, if DH's husband can afford it why not ? And how on God's green planet is this step mommie dearest business?

Enough with the stepmommy dearest crap. It IS her business. Just like the boy's mom, this family likely has a budget too. They likely have budgeted for child support plus the additional things that DH wants and plans to pay for. Mom coming in with extra upon extra does impact OP and her husband's household budget and bank account. Not to mention, if it's stressful for DH to deal with his ex (which it sounds like it is at least a bit), then that stress comes into their marriage. That's how healthy marriages work, sharing of the good and the not-so-good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: So leave the kid home all summer with mom? learning and growing how? Kids need to be around other kids to learn and grow. Most kids will be in camp b/c their parents are at work. Again, if DH's husband can afford it why not ? And how on God's green planet is this step mommie dearest business?

Enough with the stepmommy dearest crap. It IS her business. Just like the boy's mom, this family likely has a budget too. They likely have budgeted for child support plus the additional things that DH wants and plans to pay for. Mom coming in with extra upon extra does impact OP and her husband's household budget and bank account. Not to mention, if it's stressful for DH to deal with his ex (which it sounds like it is at least a bit), then that stress comes into their marriage. That's how healthy marriages work, sharing of the good and the not-so-good.

OK. She knew there was a kid before she got married. If she didn't want to share the money she should not have wed him. Sorry. I'm all for divorce and second marriage etc... But you dont just get the man. You get the baggage. All of the men I have ever dated with kids made it clear the kids were first. Now my child is first. She doesn't like it she needs to leave. And yes she sounds like a wicked stepmom. How dare real mom want to send kid to camp when she and DS can sit at home and stare at each other for 1/2 the summer. - PLeaze

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: So leave the kid home all summer with mom? learning and growing how? Kids need to be around other kids to learn and grow. Most kids will be in camp b/c their parents are at work. Again, if DH's husband can afford it why not ? And how on God's green planet is this step mommie dearest business?

Enough with the stepmommy dearest crap. It IS her business. Just like the boy's mom, this family likely has a budget too. They likely have budgeted for child support plus the additional things that DH wants and plans to pay for. Mom coming in with extra upon extra does impact OP and her husband's household budget and bank account. Not to mention, if it's stressful for DH to deal with his ex (which it sounds like it is at least a bit), then that stress comes into their marriage. That's how healthy marriages work, sharing of the good and the not-so-good.

OK. She knew there was a kid before she got married. If she didn't want to share the money she should not have wed him. Sorry. I'm all for divorce and second marriage etc... But you dont just get the man. You get the baggage. All of the men I have ever dated with kids made it clear the kids were first. Now my child is first. She doesn't like it she needs to leave. And yes she sounds like a wicked stepmom. How dare real mom want to send kid to camp when she and DS can sit at home and stare at each other for 1/2 the summer. - PLeaze

Or, how about using the child support or part of her income, which is what the child support is there for. He is not ordered to pay these extra's and they do it to be nice. If the real mom wants the child in camp she can use her real money or use the real child support she gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If the mom wants/needs camp for her kid, she needs to pay for it."

This just sounds so wrong. It's like you're debating whether or not welfare should pay for the kid's camp. It's his own father you're talking about not contributing to his own kid's camp. Really sad that some children have to grow up feeling like their other parent resents having to pay for them. This person should never have kids in the first place if they resent the obligations that go along with them, including the financial ones.

He is contributing - that is what child support is for. It is to cover the needs of the child via the NCP in the CP's home. If it doesn't cover all expenses, which it should not, then the CP can make up the difference and should also be financially contributing as child support is not supposed to cover all needs, just the NCP's share. If he is supposed to pay for it, the court needs to order it. Above that, it is an extra and if/when they can afford it. Camp is not a necessity if mom (or dad) is not working.

[Anonymous]

No, camp is not a necessity and it is not child support -- I'm talking about not WANTING to pay for camp because it is not a necessity and not child support. That is wrong. I'm the PP who doesn't even get child support. I can't always afford "extras" like camp, but when I can, I pay for them. What if I said "if your father isn't paying for it, why should I?" That is wrong. I do whatever I can to provide the best childhood I can for my kids. Not everything in life is fair or even. How sad to not want to give as much as you can to your own kids because you can't stop comparing how much you give to how much the other parent gives. And again, if they weren't divorced they each would be giving 100%, because they would be functioning as a couple and all of their money would belong to both of them.

I'm so glad I have had the experience of having a deadbeat as my DC's dad. It has taught me so much, and made me a better parent and a more competent, confident person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, camp is not a necessity and it is not child support -- I'm talking about not WANTING to pay for camp because it is not a necessity and not child support. That is wrong. I'm the PP who doesn't even get child support. I can't always afford "extras" like camp, but when I can, I pay for them. What if I said "if your father isn't paying for it, why should I?" That is wrong. I do whatever I can to provide the best childhood I can for my kids. Not everything in life is fair or even. How sad to not want to give as much as you can to your own kids because you can't stop comparing how much you give to how much the other parent gives. And again, if they weren't divorced they each would be giving 100%, because they would be functioning as a couple and all of their money would belong to both of them.

I'm so glad I have had the experience of having a deadbeat as my DC's dad. It has taught me so much, and made me a better parent and a more competent, confident person.

I see your point, speaking as the stepparent of a kid whose mom is the deadbeat. This isn't that kind of situation here. It sounds instead like ex is saying "Here, I want this for you. Dad, you pay for it." She's making decisions based on what she wants for the child, and then turning to the dad with the expectation that he will then assume the costs. OP and her DH are frustrated and trying to figure out a way not to "get out of supporting the child" but instead to not just have their checkbook constantly at the ready whenever ex decides she wants to use it. Yes, OP knew her DH had baggage (btw, a horrible way to refer to a child), but neither of them is happy with having their finances at the whim of his ex.

Just because OP and her DH can afford it, doesn't mean that they should be required to be at the mercy of ex's spending. Maybe they can afford to buy the child a BMW when he turns 16, doesn't mean that they have to do so, and IMO shouldn't be considered bad parents if they don't. And, it will be very wrong of ex to go buy the kid a car and then send the car payments to dad unless they have first talked and agreed on it.

[Anonymous]

vast difference between summer camp and a car. Most people would want their children to go to summer camp because it is an enriching experience for the kids. OP didn't say they had any problems with the kid going to camp -- just with the way the mom asks for the money. Set that aside and think about the kid instead.

BTW the way you describe the dynamic between the DH, her ex and his checkbook sounds just like a married couple's and was probably established when they were married. That may be what is irking the OP, since the money isn't really an issue.

[Anonymous]

meant "his" ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:vast difference between summer camp and a car. Most people would want their children to go to summer camp because it is an enriching experience for the kids. OP didn't say they had any problems with the kid going to camp -- just with the way the mom asks for the money. Set that aside and think about the kid instead.

08:40 here. On this one issue in terms of thinking about the kid, I totally agree with you. My point about the car though is that it sounds as if this camp is just one example in an ongoing line of similar situations. Maybe it does date back to the marriage, and DH is still trying to figure his way out of it, but I still don't believe it's unreasonable for DH (and OP) to want to figure out a way to change the current situation.

[Anonymous]

OP is planning to pop out her own baby and doesn't want DH's kid to interfer with her financial plans for HER kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:vast difference between summer camp and a car. Most people would want their children to go to summer camp because it is an enriching experience for the kids. OP didn't say they had any problems with the kid going to camp -- just with the way the mom asks for the money. Set that aside and think about the kid instead.

BTW the way you describe the dynamic between the DH, her ex and his checkbook sounds just like a married couple's and was probably established when they were married. That may be what is irking the OP, since the money isn't really an issue.

The child is already going to camp (according to the OP) during the weeks he is with him during the summer. I dont think its fair to assume that camp is a positive in this case as many kids like some downtime during the summer too. My dss has to go to camp all summer and while he loves camp for a while, he also loves getting to skip days when I'm off shift. It sounds like the OP and her husband have decided to pay for the camp this time, its entirely appropriate to begin the conversation that decisions involving money above child suppprt need to be mutual.

I wish people would lay off the evil stepmom business. While it's nice that blended families are now explicitly welcomed in this forum, the level of hostility is really off-putting. I don't think we'd put up with homophobic rants on the former gay and lesbian forum. I don't see adoptive parents being told they shouldnt have kids in the first place. Apologies if I'm just not noticing it (and I'm totally referring to just thus forum, not to what people have to deal with in real life) but why the special level of nastiness towards steps?

[Anonymous]

"I wish people would lay off the evil stepmom business. While it's nice that blended families are now explicitly welcomed in this forum, the level of hostility is really off-putting. I don't think we'd put up with homophobic rants on the former gay and lesbian forum. I don't see adoptive parents being told they shouldnt have kids in the first place. Apologies if I'm just not noticing it (and I'm totally referring to just thus forum, not to what people have to deal with in real life) but why the special level of nastiness towards steps? "

Previous experience with step-parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:vast difference between summer camp and a car. Most people would want their children to go to summer camp because it is an enriching experience for the kids. OP didn't say they had any problems with the kid going to camp -- just with the way the mom asks for the money. Set that aside and think about the kid instead.

BTW the way you describe the dynamic between the DH, her ex and his checkbook sounds just like a married couple's and was probably established when they were married. That may be what is irking the OP, since the money isn't really an issue.

The child is already going to camp (according to the OP) during the weeks he is with him during the summer. I dont think its fair to assume that camp is a positive in this case as many kids like some downtime during the summer too. My dss has to go to camp all summer and while he loves camp for a while, he also loves getting to skip days when I'm off shift. It sounds like the OP and her husband have decided to pay for the camp this time, its entirely appropriate to begin the conversation that decisions involving money above child suppprt need to be mutual.

I wish people would lay off the evil stepmom business. While it's nice that blended families are now explicitly welcomed in this forum, the level of hostility is really off-putting. I don't think we'd put up with homophobic rants on the former gay and lesbian forum. I don't see adoptive parents being told they shouldnt have kids in the first place. Apologies if I'm just not noticing it (and I'm totally referring to just thus forum, not to what people have to deal with in real life) but why the special level of nastiness towards steps?

I posted that comment about the DH. He is the father, not the step father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I wish people would lay off the evil stepmom business. While it's nice that blended families are now explicitly welcomed in this forum, the level of hostility is really off-putting. I don't think we'd put up with homophobic rants on the former gay and lesbian forum. I don't see adoptive parents being told they shouldnt have kids in the first place. Apologies if I'm just not noticing it (and I'm totally referring to just thus forum, not to what people have to deal with in real life) but why the special level of nastiness towards steps? "

Previous experience with step-parents.

And, therefore it's okay to be completely bigoted and anti-stepparents based on the subset of stepparents that you do know? I've seen my share of non-custodial divorced/single parents who absolutely suck, both moms and dads. Does that mean that all non-custodial parents suck?

I'm presuming that you would never respond to a post by someone who said "all black people are...", because in your mind sweeping generalizations about a group are okay.