DD's precocious development driving a wedge between my mommy friends

[Anonymous]

Interesting how so many people refuse to believe these playgroup moms are being mean/weird/hostile, when the majority of replies to OP are mean/weird/hostile. I totally believe OP is for real -- how is it bragging to share facts on an anonymous board? If the kid is doing this stuff, she's doing this stuff -- is her mom not allowed to ever mention it, even in the context of asking for advice about how to handle it?

To the OP -- in my DD's play group there is one kid who is very advanced, particularly in terms of reading (i.e., he can read and has been for a while, at age 4). He's a nice kid and we are all nice to him and treat him like the other kids. His mom is, in my opinion, a piece of work. She cannot stop talking about his achievements. She's totally Type A and has enmeshed herself with him and draws attention to them/herself in a lot of ways that seem nutty to me. I do try to avoid her. I do not try to avoid her kid. So what I'm saying is, (1) based on this thread alone, I think you sound a-ok, but (2) based on my real life example, if the other moms are acting like that, keep a close eye on how you are interacting with the other moms. Try other groups, too -- sounds like it's time to branch out. And I WOULD put him in school, somewhere they are good about accommodating differences -- there are likely kids who are good at different things there, and activities your DD may not have tried and that may not be as up her alley -- and that's probably good for her and you to experience! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have known gifted 2 year olds. They do much better later if it not made out to be a big deal.

Reward the work and not the talent.

[Anonymous]

This thread - the OP's posts whether real or fake and the PPs commenting on the toxic dynamics of playgroups - makes me so so so glad that I don't have time for the playgroup scene (in my case because I work FT, but didn't want to make this a working/SAHM snipe since I know there are lots of SAHMs who don't do it either.) I had a really long maternity leave with my first and did a bit of this and it was truly absurd and excruciatingly stupid - a lot of formerly smart women who just behaved in totally ridiculous fashion and wrapped themselves around their kids like boa constrictors. Thanks for the reminder about how silly these crowds can be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the link, but yeah, we are not there. DD is precocious. I though that was the right word to use. She speaks like a five year old. Her syntax and vocabulary are advanced and she also loves to learn facts and can easily memorize them. For example, she knows at least half of the presidents and can tell you a couple simple facts about each one. We don't drill her. We don;t videotape her. I have never shared this with my friends. It is just one of her many interests. She is also like this about continents, states, animals, planets, and car models of all things.

She is also starting to sound out words, which I have to say is scary. But none of this is shared with other parents. They jsut see her verbal ability. We cannot hide that.

Her gross motor skills are fine. And, I would not call her social issues problems yet. Like you said, She is 2.

I honestly can relate to you. My two and a half year old son knew all the presidents in order and when you said a world capital he would follow with the country name. He was a verbal sponge. I considered it a parlor trick (which I shared with grandparents and aunts). Anyway, not that my son is not bright, but I will say that early development does not mean they'll keep that pace forever. My son is a verbal 12 year old, who gets pretty good grades in a good school. That's about it. And he was early for everything at the playgroup stage, just as you described with your DD.

I think it's best not to even pay attention to it. In the end, what is to gain by these comparisons? My son was verbally brilliant, and now they all look about the same. It really is unimportant. Even if it carries through and your daughter is super advanced, that only means you need to try to make sure she builds contentment with friends for other reasons.

Speaking as an educator with an interested in gifted education, I would like to point out that one reason children who show early advances seem to lose it as they grow older is that they are not appropriately challenged and encouraged in the early years. There's this self-fulfilling profecy that kids start to even out by around grade 3 .. that may be true -- IF no one does anything to encourage tchildren who are showing precocious behavior early on.

This is very true! The book, Genius Denied addresses this well.

[Anonymous]

"I have an example that I just remembered. A couple of months ago DD stood at the top of the slide and unprompted counted to 20 before sliding down. Two moms in earshot literaly turned around and left right after that. They did not say a word to me. It was really weird. Coincidence? possibly. "

NP here. OP, I have refrained from commenting, although I have read much of this thread (not all), but I read the above and have to agree with the PPs who wondered, what were you expecting?? Do you think they should have congratulated you? Exclaimed in wonder? (Also, as an aside, your daughter is now 2, right? Hate to break it to you, but counting to 20 at two, even a young two, isn't actually all that remarkable. I know a number of kids who could do that, including one of my own. Is it somewhat "advanced" for the age? Probably. So amazing that it should be heralded? Sorry, but no.)

You truly in your heart of hearts believe that these mothers turned around and left because they heard your daughter count to 20? That's just bizarre.

OP - look at all of your posts. You are bragging about your child's achievements in each one and demanding affirmation from all of us. It sounds like the one who is competitive is you, and your need to constantly hear from others how amazing your child is.

What did you expect your friends to do? Should they have said to you" WOW! She is so advanced! "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have known gifted 2 year olds. They do much better later if it not made out to be a big deal.

Reward the work and not the talent.

Adding to that - often kids who are advanced in some areas or gifted still have their own set of strengths and weaknesses. Also, it is detrimental to tell them 'oh you're so smart" and "you're the best" and other related comments because then when they do struggle with something or don't 'get it' right away or when they aren't the best at something within a group they will give up and get upset with themselves. It's also possible they will get a little too full of themselves as well.

Also - kids often do even out around one point. Kids often develop in bursts. One child may develop more language skills first, another child may be developing physical skills first. Later, they do the opposite and eventually even out. I don't know if we can really accurately say a child is "gifted" until they are in school.

Also, children may be able to do something like rote count until 20, it doesn't mean they have the 1 to 1 correspondence or really understand what counting or those numbers mean. I've also met children who's parents claim their child can read at 3, but in reality those kids are just reciting off the words and have no comprehension of what they are reading, even if it is read a loud to them.

I know the OP is claiming to be serious and is claiming that she does not come off as full of it or she is not thinking her daughter is the best - but based on her original post I'd have to say she is.

[Anonymous]

One more reason I'm glad I work. Playgroups sound like an f-ing nightmare.

[Anonymous]

I am so perplexed by this post. Ok, so OP's child is gifted, that's great. But why is OP so tied up in what other moms in the playgroup think about the child's giftednesss? Is the child enjoying the playgroup? If so, why isn't that enough?

[Anonymous]

I am so perplexed by this post. Ok, so OP's child is gifted, that's great. But why is OP so tied up in what other moms in the playgroup think about the child's giftednesss? Is the child enjoying the playgroup? If so, why isn't that enough?

And for me, the point of the playgroup is to have time to socialize with other moms and to make friends. If she doesn't like the other moms, why is she wasting her time with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more reason I'm glad I work. Playgroups sound like an f-ing nightmare.

Me too....

I guess it's really an unnatural situation. Spending time with people not because you share common interests and friendship but because you happen to have kids the same age can be problematic.

Even if I didn't work I think I would pass on playgroups because I think I would be very uncomfortable in this setting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would say that your daughter is advanced, but not THAT advanced. I consider my son intelligent, but normal, and at 2.5 he does the same things as your daughter (complete sentences, constructs complex fantasty play scenarios, counts before going down the slide, knows all letters/numbers/colors/shapes) with the exception of the potty training and reading (though he's only 2.5, we have another 6 months to go). I myself was reading and writing CVC words at 3. I consider this a normal range of intelligence.

I think, like other PPs, that you either need to find some friends who you can relate better to, or maybe you're an introvert and aren't coming across the right way.

[Anonymous]

The question is not whether this two-year-old is particularly "advanced" or not. That is of interest only to her parents, family, pediatrician, and eventually to her school.

The question is whehter the perceived issue among "mommy friends" is due to their feelings about the child's characteristics or due to their feelings about the mother's focus on what she thinks are extraordinary characteristics.

Smart money is on the latter. OP, you come off as totally oblivious to the way other parents view their own kids and yours. Sure, every group of mothers could have an insecure one who compares. But when you are feeling distance from everyone, take that as a pretty sure sign that it's you. You are not getting "I don't believe it" responses because so many people are mean. You are getting those responses because regardless of what someone thinks about precocious or gifted 2-year-olds, you'd have to search pretty hard to find a mother who would react the way that you say other people are reacting, or even one who has friends who would react that way. It's just not consistent with anyone's experience, regardless of whether they have or know exceptionally talented toddlers.

You're proud of your child. Hope that she lives up to your expectations. The mommy friends aren't there to hear you crow about her. Not becuase they're jealous-- just because that is not what one does with a "friend."

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 month old DS. He maybe says 20 words and never would do sign language. We are not in a playgroup. (Thank God) But, if we were, and there was another 18 month old who was potty trained and speaking in long sentences you better believe that would have an affect on my relationship with the mother. Even if the mom never said anything about it and was a class act, I would feel very...not jealous...but I would constantly feel like everyone would be comparing, and it would be my perfect little boy who looks slow.


Maybe the OP is a head case. But she is not the only one out there. I believe her.

[Anonymous]

I just can't imagine OP's description of events is true. If a kid counted and spoke in sentences, great, I'm not going to talk about it but I also wouldn't just walk away in disgust.

I'm sure this has more to do with the mother's attitude. I have a friend with a kid the same age as mine. We don't spend much time together anymore because it got really annoying that every time we were together, the mom was drilling the kid on something-- shapes, letters, signs, whatever. The kid never got to just relax and play. She started out an easy-going, happy kid, and by the time she was 2 she always seemed nervous, like she was afraid her mom was going to give her a pop quiz at any second.

I'm happy to have my kid spend time with her kid, but it was just irritating to spend time with them together. It seemed like the mom was just waiting for me to say "That's so great that she knows her letters already!" Seriously, who cares? They all catch up eventually, and if the kid is truly a genius, good for her, but I don't really see what it's my job to praise her over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy to have my kid spend time with her kid, but it was just irritating to spend time with them together. It seemed like the mom was just waiting for me to say "That's so great that she knows her letters already!" Seriously, who cares? They all catch up eventually, and if the kid is truly a genius, good for her, but I don't really see what it's my job to praise her over and over.

Oh, my god. Would it have killed you to just say that. This is what the OP is talking about.