DD's precocious development driving a wedge between my mommy friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. My friend has a child who she describes as precocious. Thing is, the child is a brat. She IS advanced, anyone can see that, but the mom uses the precocity as an excuse. Sure you're not doing that?

Yep. I know a friend's sister's child who's the same way. Somewhat advanced, but incredibly fragile. I think this is for two reasons: first, the parents spend an inordinate amount of time teaching the kid "tricks" to the detriment of natural learning that's so important to kids that age; and secondly, because they treat her like a china doll, never allowing her to step out of their shadow and exercise her independence.

There was a video on youtube few years ago with little girl who couldn't have been much older than two. She was sitting in front of a map of the world, and her father would point to a country at random. The little girl would pipe up, "France!" or "Bolivia!" My MIL sent it to me with some comment about how great it was, but it almost made me cry. All I could think of was the amount time those parents spent drilling this parlour trick into her head--time that could've been spent on some developmentally appropriate activity--and how her brain would probably never get the chance to develop organically, but rather would be straight-jacketed by these miswired neural connections for the rest of her life.

Got a lot of views on YouTube, though!!!

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is a troll. Do the trollhunters think that there are no precocious children out there, that what she describes is somehow impossible? And anyway, no troll would type up a post of that length and detail just for shits and giggles.

The only part that rings weird to me is the other moms' reactions. But then, I was one of the people on the "competitive parents" thread who said that no, I have never experienced any kind of kid-related competition among my parent friends. DCUM has certainly shown me that the sour grapes types exist, and in large numbers. I'm just lucky enough not to know any personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is a troll. Do the trollhunters think that there are no precocious children out there, that what she describes is somehow impossible? And anyway, no troll would type up a post of that length and detail just for shits and giggles.

The only part that rings weird to me is the other moms' reactions. But then, I was one of the people on the "competitive parents" thread who said that no, I have never experienced any kind of kid-related competition among my parent friends. DCUM has certainly shown me that the sour grapes types exist, and in large numbers. I'm just lucky enough not to know any personally.

Having read a few of OPs responses, I'm now not quite as certain she's a troll. I am, though, reasonably certain that the standoffishness of the other mothers has nothing to do with the child's development, but rather with the mother's personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/136243.page

Move on. Nothin' to see here folks.

[Anonymous]

I have a ton of mom friends and I could care less whether their children are super advanced or super behind. Meaning--their kid's development has NO impact on whether we spend time together. I spend time with moms with whom I connect on a personal level. Those who are kind, funny, interesting, humble, etc.
If you are being shunned, I GUARANTEE it is all about your attitude and very little (or nothing) to do with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a joke, you may not realize but it's a hurtful one. For those of us raising kids with Asperger's your exaggerated description of advanced development is exactly what we experienced only to learn later that such "precociousness" was actually part of a disorder. So if this is a farce, and I suspect it is as that's how DCUM trends these days, please try to realize that your post reaches a varied body of readers some of whom may be sensitive to your parody.

OP here.

DD is very different. I don't know why this would offend you. If anything, I would hope for some commiseration, as it seems you would understand what it is like to have an 18 month old recognize all the letters and sounds and peak in long sentences. We are not unaware of how DD fits many descriptions of young ASD children. She is obsessed with learning facts.

Honestly, you can stop asking if this is a joke. That is hurting my feelings. I don't know if you are in disbelief of my DD's differences or my genuine feelings on the subject as it affects my freindship. Either way it leaves me more confused than before I posted.

[Anonymous]

Instead of focusing on whose child is doing what, why not focus on your adult friendships with these women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a joke, you may not realize but it's a hurtful one. For those of us raising kids with Asperger's your exaggerated description of advanced development is exactly what we experienced only to learn later that such "precociousness" was actually part of a disorder. So if this is a farce, and I suspect it is as that's how DCUM trends these days, please try to realize that your post reaches a varied body of readers some of whom may be sensitive to your parody.

OP here.

DD is very different. I don't know why this would offend you. If anything, I would hope for some commiseration, as it seems you would understand what it is like to have an 18 month old recognize all the letters and sounds and peak in long sentences. We are not unaware of how DD fits many descriptions of young ASD children. She is obsessed with learning facts.

Honestly, you can stop asking if this is a joke. That is hurting my feelings. I don't know if you are in disbelief of my DD's differences or my genuine feelings on the subject as it affects my freindship. Either way it leaves me more confused than before I posted.

Does your daughter have any noise sensitivity? Particular anxieties? Favor a special color or character? If this post is for real you should worry less about a playgroup and more about a developmental evaluation. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a ton of mom friends and I could care less whether their children are super advanced or super behind. Meaning--their kid's development has NO impact on whether we spend time together. I spend time with moms with whom I connect on a personal level. Those who are kind, funny, interesting, humble, etc.
If you are being shunned, I GUARANTEE it is all about your attitude and very little (or nothing) to do with your child.

OP here.

You might be right. It might be all me. It really might be all in my head. I do come back to this thought all the time. But, then there are little things that happen that make me wonder. Like I said, it is an elephant in the room. We all do a good job in ignoring it. Including me. I have just sensed a bit more than just ignoring.

[Anonymous]

OP, please don't listen to the rude and unfortunate comments. The reactions you are receiving here are sadly part of being a parent of a gifted kid.

Here is something I've taken from Hoagies Gifted website. It's an excellent resource and it sounds like you'll need all the guidance you can with your little one's unique needs.

Hard Won Truths
by Juliet Thomas
It's really hard to go against everything you've grown up to believe - schools always know what's best for kids, they have their best interests at heart, 7 year olds belong in 1st grade... etc. But with a PGlet (editor's note: fond name for our pg children) child, you've landed at an alternative destination, and the historical assumptions don't work here.

Here's four rules-to-live-by that we've learned the hard way - your mileage may vary, but they might help you, too:

Rule # 1 - Keep quiet. With immediate effect, stop discussing your decisions regarding your son with anyone besides your husband. That includes family, friends, neighbors, clergy, everyone. If you find people who are helpful and supportive (even if they don't always agree), you can selectively add them back in, but do so cautiously. Their reaction to your decisions will rarely be purely based on you and your son, and will much more likely be mired in their own "stuff". People have a huge set of their own biases, their own history and their own motivations. People often seem to feel quite defensive - if you're doing this for your son, maybe they didn't do enough for theirs, etc. Or, maybe they'd hate to admit that cousin Jimmy really IS that much smarter than their kid. Whatever their issues, you have a big enough challenge ahead of you - plowing through other people's "stuff" is extra drag you don't need. When people ask what you're doing - just say you're trying your best to accommodate his "special needs". You can even throw in something about taking his counselor's advice! Don't give details about the calculus he's doing when he's 8, simply tell them "he's really happy and things are going well - thanks!" Come here to celebrate specific successes - we understand and celebrate well.

Rule # 2 - Trust yourself and your kid. No one knows your son better than you and your husband. There are certainly a few select experts in xg (editor's note: highly, exceptionally or profoundly gifted) kids that can give you advice, there are a few great websites like Hoagies and Uniquely Gifted (www.uniquelygifted.org) to guide you to helpful resources and there are other families who have been through similar things, but no one knows him better than you do. Furthermore, and more importantly, no one cares about him more. When your "mommy radar" is going off - something's wrong - don't let anyone else tell you differently. I truly, truly, truly know how difficult it is to shut out the ever-present noise, telling you to stop worrying, stop "pushing", stop whatever you're doing that makes them uncomfortable. Shut out that noise, but listen to your son. You'll know when you're on the right track by watching and hearing him. Many of us on this list, including me, wish we had listened to our own kids earlier. It is absolutely true that if you don't hear him now, you'll hear him later.

Rule # 3 - You can find a way. Raising an xg kid can be incredibly difficult, but you have what it takes. Sometimes, it seems like the whole world is set up specifically to thwart you. In some ways, it is. It will likely keep you up nights, worrying about everything you've done and will do for him. You'll hit brick walls - you'll think there's no way through. Every solution will be temporary, and sometimes you'll run out of ideas, or money or both. But just remember, there are always options - as long as you're willing to look outside the typical frameworks. You'll probably have to employ a little of Leta Hollingworth's "benign chicanery" along the route. But you will find a way. There are many different solutions - most will be a struggle, and it's impossible to get it 100% right. But, in the end, many things can work, if you respect the underlying assumption of who your son truly is. Never give up.

Rule # 4 - Indeed - let him be a kid - the kid he IS. "Being a kid" doesn't mean you are crammed into someone else's rigid model. It means you are free to learn and grow. It means you're loved, cherished and protected from harm, whether that harm comes from physical dangers or from ignorant, self-interested school administrators, defensive friends or jealous neighbors. It means that your basic needs are met, that your joy is valued, that your individuality is guarded. Your worries are kept small, your responsibilities kept manageable. It means that you have someone who will never give up on you - someone who will guide you, teach you, keep the flame burning in your heart as they lead you towards becoming a healthy, happy adult. Enjoy him as a kid, too. As you let him be a kid, you "be a Mom". Revel in the beauty of the world through his eyes, run through the sprinklers, cuddle him when he's afraid, tuck him into bed and read him a story he loves - even if it's one of Feynman's lectures. People tell you to "just let him be a kid", tell them simply - that's exactly what you're doing, thanks.

As I said, your mileage may vary, but these have been some awfully hard-won truths for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a joke, you may not realize but it's a hurtful one. For those of us raising kids with Asperger's your exaggerated description of advanced development is exactly what we experienced only to learn later that such "precociousness" was actually part of a disorder. So if this is a farce, and I suspect it is as that's how DCUM trends these days, please try to realize that your post reaches a varied body of readers some of whom may be sensitive to your parody.

OP here.

DD is very different. I don't know why this would offend you. If anything, I would hope for some commiseration, as it seems you would understand what it is like to have an 18 month old recognize all the letters and sounds and peak in long sentences. We are not unaware of how DD fits many descriptions of young ASD children. She is obsessed with learning facts.

Honestly, you can stop asking if this is a joke. That is hurting my feelings. I don't know if you are in disbelief of my DD's differences or my genuine feelings on the subject as it affects my freindship. Either way it leaves me more confused than before I posted.

Does your daughter have any noise sensitivity? Particular anxieties? Favor a special color or character? If this post is for real you should worry less about a playgroup and more about a developmental evaluation. Seriously.

Thank you for your concern. We are in a wait-and-see pattern right now. She has food texture issues that are getting better and some anxiety. She did a lot of scripting when she was 18 months old, but that has gotten better. We have an ongoing email exchange going with the Ped. So far, there is nothing that can't be written off as typical toddler quirk. Only time will tell. Besides, feeding therapy, she would not benefit from any EI at the moment.

[Anonymous]

From your 1430 post it sounds like this playgroup might not be a great fit...your daughter may be thriving but are you? Play groups are really code for mom support, right? If you think there is an elephant in the room, pull aside (or set up a coffee date) with the most honest and forthright of the moms in the group and ask her with an open-mind if there really is an elephant in the room.

Honestly, why are you a part of this group? (not sarcastic...)

[Anonymous]

OP, would you say that your "friends' in this group are a bit insecure or competitive? If so, that could exlain why they don't say much about your child. I can assure you, in our playgroup you'd get plenty of comments about "Wow, look at her go! She's so verbal for a 2 year old".

But your child is so different from the "average" kid -- you are going to have to get used to being the outlier, and probably have to choose your friends with care, especially if you have happened to fall into a more competitive or insecure group than usual. I fortunately only had a few "friends" like that early on and I dropped them pretty quick -- it just wasn't worth the effort to interact with them, you had to watch everything you said about your child.

Unlike others on this thread, I don't think you are in any way bragging about your child; I also doubt your child is going to "peak" or some such nonsense around age 5. However, it is likely that other kids verbal skills will catch up with her and her precocious verbal ability will be less apparent as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a joke, you may not realize but it's a hurtful one. For those of us raising kids with Asperger's your exaggerated description of advanced development is exactly what we experienced only to learn later that such "precociousness" was actually part of a disorder. So if this is a farce, and I suspect it is as that's how DCUM trends these days, please try to realize that your post reaches a varied body of readers some of whom may be sensitive to your parody.

OP here.

DD is very different. I don't know why this would offend you. If anything, I would hope for some commiseration, as it seems you would understand what it is like to have an 18 month old recognize all the letters and sounds and peak in long sentences. We are not unaware of how DD fits many descriptions of young ASD children. She is obsessed with learning facts.

Honestly, you can stop asking if this is a joke. That is hurting my feelings. I don't know if you are in disbelief of my DD's differences or my genuine feelings on the subject as it affects my freindship. Either way it leaves me more confused than before I posted.

Does your daughter have any noise sensitivity? Particular anxieties? Favor a special color or character? If this post is for real you should worry less about a playgroup and more about a developmental evaluation. Seriously.

Actually sensitivities or overexcitabilities are common and completely NORMAL in young, gifted children. After a ton of worrying about our gifted child the psychologist and dev pedi confirmed that he is completely normal for a gifted kid. They can also be emotionally very sensitive. My little guy was moved to tears when he listened to Bach or Beethoven a little after his first birthday....we have to be very gentle with his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Having read a few of OPs responses, I'm now not quite as certain she's a troll. I am, though, reasonably certain that the standoffishness of the other mothers has nothing to do with the child's development, but rather with the mother's personality.

Yep. Sorry OP, but it sounds like you have a serious chip on your shoulder. You are constantly comparing your child to her peers. That pisses most of us off b/c - quite frankly - I don't want to feel like parenting and children are some sort of competition.