Cliquey parents

[Anonymous]

I have had the experience of parents who really want my child to be friends with their child. However, it doesn't really work. When they have playdates, they don't "play" with each other.

I have also discouraged my daughter from friendships with girls who display for mean girl behavior, and so will try to sidestep those parents. And sometimes there are parents who do not understand boundaries or have done something off putting (consistently).

What appears to be gate-keeping may just be parents who get along better and have kids with more similar interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:School is the kid's turf. This should not be about your adult social life. Pursue relationships with parents if it's necessary to help your kid socialize with kids of *their choosing*

+1

Who has time for this? I have friends at my child’s school but only because we get along well and I like them. But if my kid wanted to have a play date with a kid who reads a lot or plays chess or basketball or golf or whatever, great!

Completely agree but sadly some parents (moms) don’t feel that way. See the recent thread where some lovely lady proclaimed that her kids don’t have time for playdates with “families we barely know” because they already have a super solid friend group (which apparently is already closed in elementary school.)

I don't know people who are having endless playdates. I have 3 kids and mine do no playdates during the week and rarely on weekends. We don't have time because with 3 kids there are so many practices, games, tournaments, meets, etc. So with limited time for a play date who do you think takes precedence? Especially weekdays right after school. You seem to want to be in a world that doesn't even exist where everyone is done for the day at 3pm and the kids run around outside until the street lights go on or mom calls them in for supper. People are busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the experience of parents who really want my child to be friends with their child. However, it doesn't really work. When they have playdates, they don't "play" with each other.

I have also discouraged my daughter from friendships with girls who display for mean girl behavior, and so will try to sidestep those parents. And sometimes there are parents who do not understand boundaries or have done something off putting (consistently).

What appears to be gate-keeping may just be parents who get along better and have kids with more similar interests.

Maybe. But sometimes it's not that. We moved mid-elementary and it was hard for DD to cultivate friends because the families had their set groups and weren't interested in their kids playing with someone new. And no this was not a case of me trying to force friendships, I don't do that. This was DD meeting girls at school or via activities, having mutual interest, but then the kids are never available to get together outside of school because the families are getting together. Another thing that happened a lot was that the moms would set up camps and activities for their kids together, and since I wasn't friends with them, DD wouldn't be a part of it and it would lead to her being on the outside of stuff. Like a big group of girls from her 3rd grade class all signed up for the same sequence of camps the following summer because their moms coordinated. DD wound up in the same camps, but not at the same time. In the fall, all the girls were like "hey how come you didn't do camp with us? we didn't see you all summer." But we just didn't know.

Sure, most of this is unintentional. The other moms weren't trying to exclude my kid or our family. But if there hadn't been such a tight family clique in that cohort, things might have been more casual which would have made it easier for DD to develop friendships outside school. Instead she spent 3rd-5th mostly only having friends at school and then occasionally hanging out with friends from other settings. It was only in middle school when the kids have more control over their lives outside school that she became friends with those girls and now has actual school-based friendships. And even then, the moms were kind of standoffish. There's one mom who still talks about my DD like she is "new" to the friend group -- DD and her daughter have known each other for 5 years. It's just a closed off mentality, even if it's not on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the experience of parents who really want my child to be friends with their child. However, it doesn't really work. When they have playdates, they don't "play" with each other.

I have also discouraged my daughter from friendships with girls who display for mean girl behavior, and so will try to sidestep those parents. And sometimes there are parents who do not understand boundaries or have done something off putting (consistently).

What appears to be gate-keeping may just be parents who get along better and have kids with more similar interests.

Maybe. But sometimes it's not that. We moved mid-elementary and it was hard for DD to cultivate friends because the families had their set groups and weren't interested in their kids playing with someone new. And no this was not a case of me trying to force friendships, I don't do that. This was DD meeting girls at school or via activities, having mutual interest, but then the kids are never available to get together outside of school because the families are getting together. Another thing that happened a lot was that the moms would set up camps and activities for their kids together, and since I wasn't friends with them, DD wouldn't be a part of it and it would lead to her being on the outside of stuff. Like a big group of girls from her 3rd grade class all signed up for the same sequence of camps the following summer because their moms coordinated. DD wound up in the same camps, but not at the same time. In the fall, all the girls were like "hey how come you didn't do camp with us? we didn't see you all summer." But we just didn't know.

Sure, most of this is unintentional. The other moms weren't trying to exclude my kid or our family. But if there hadn't been such a tight family clique in that cohort, things might have been more casual which would have made it easier for DD to develop friendships outside school. Instead she spent 3rd-5th mostly only having friends at school and then occasionally hanging out with friends from other settings. It was only in middle school when the kids have more control over their lives outside school that she became friends with those girls and now has actual school-based friendships. And even then, the moms were kind of standoffish. There's one mom who still talks about my DD like she is "new" to the friend group -- DD and her daughter have known each other for 5 years. It's just a closed off mentality, even if it's not on purpose.

oh poor DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the experience of parents who really want my child to be friends with their child. However, it doesn't really work. When they have playdates, they don't "play" with each other.

I have also discouraged my daughter from friendships with girls who display for mean girl behavior, and so will try to sidestep those parents. And sometimes there are parents who do not understand boundaries or have done something off putting (consistently).

What appears to be gate-keeping may just be parents who get along better and have kids with more similar interests.

Maybe. But sometimes it's not that. We moved mid-elementary and it was hard for DD to cultivate friends because the families had their set groups and weren't interested in their kids playing with someone new. And no this was not a case of me trying to force friendships, I don't do that. This was DD meeting girls at school or via activities, having mutual interest, but then the kids are never available to get together outside of school because the families are getting together. Another thing that happened a lot was that the moms would set up camps and activities for their kids together, and since I wasn't friends with them, DD wouldn't be a part of it and it would lead to her being on the outside of stuff. Like a big group of girls from her 3rd grade class all signed up for the same sequence of camps the following summer because their moms coordinated. DD wound up in the same camps, but not at the same time. In the fall, all the girls were like "hey how come you didn't do camp with us? we didn't see you all summer." But we just didn't know.

Sure, most of this is unintentional. The other moms weren't trying to exclude my kid or our family. But if there hadn't been such a tight family clique in that cohort, things might have been more casual which would have made it easier for DD to develop friendships outside school. Instead she spent 3rd-5th mostly only having friends at school and then occasionally hanging out with friends from other settings. It was only in middle school when the kids have more control over their lives outside school that she became friends with those girls and now has actual school-based friendships. And even then, the moms were kind of standoffish. There's one mom who still talks about my DD like she is "new" to the friend group -- DD and her daughter have known each other for 5 years. It's just a closed off mentality, even if it's not on purpose.

oh poor DD

I know you're being sarcastic but that would be hard to deal with as a kid, especially because it involves adult politics you don't understand. From the kid's perspective, it just feels like people don't want to be her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

Stay mad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

Bulls***. This thread and all others just like it are full of vivid details about all of the cliquey cool and affluent moms and dads you loners allegedly don't want to associate with. Why in the hell do you crazies know this much about random people at your kid's school who are not your friends? Because you're obsessively cyberstalking them and giving them tons of mindshare -- when frankly, they don't give a damn about you. It's unstable and creepy. And is likely why you're blackballed from their groups. You're weirding people out. And it turns out their intuition is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

I agree.

Something I struggle with when it comes to parent friendships is that many parents come on *very* strong in these friendships, I think because they are eager to set up family friendships that will get their kids paired off. For instance, we have had four different families who we barely knew (but our kids were in school and played together) propose joint vacations. This is wild to me. We do sometimes travel with friends, but especially when kids are involved, we have to know people pretty well to do something like share a vacation house. But we've had people invite us on joint travel who are still in my phone as "Maggie Dylan's mom" and I don't even know her last name. It just seems like some people want to rush the beginning part of a friendship when there are kids involved, I'm not totally sure why.

But then, yes, these same people will drop you completely if your kids interests change or you switch schools. I find it very strange. I can't imagine liking someone well enough to want to travel with them but then caring about them so little that if their son quit Little League I would be okay never speaking to them again. Yet I have encountered multiple couples like this during my kids' elementary careers.

This is why pretty much all of our close friends are people we knew before we had kids. This includes a number of people who also had kids around the same time, we we still have "family friends". But the friendship is based on years of knowledge and trust and good communication, not just the fact that we happen to have same age kids in the same school or activity. At this stage in my life, I'm not going to invest any time or energy in shallow friendships that could disappear in the changing of the tides. I consider those people friendly acquaintances and am happy to chat on the bleachers or spend a pleasant few hours volunteering for the school musical with them, but I don't really consider them friends.

Agree 10000%. I learned this the hard way with my first and was really crushed when he didn’t end up making the first team for soccer one year around U11, after having been on the first team for the last few years. Because those moms deleted me from the group chat within about 2 minutes (the chat was not the whole team, but it was the 5-6 families of kids on that team who went to our school and lived in our neighborhood) and we weren’t invited to a single BBQ or pool party that summer with those kids. I honestly hadn’t realized that this was just a shallow friend group of families whose boys were on the first team who also lived in our neighborhood- like I knew we had that in common, but I thought it was a real friend group. It wasn’t- it was 100% convenience based and shallow. My kid stayed friends with the boys at school and at the pool and was fine, it was ME who felt crushed and left out.

With the next 2 kids it was much easier for me to recognize those friend groups for what they were and not put too much emotional stock in them, knowing they were going to shift constantly based on who was on which team and who was in whose class etc etc. And it doesn’t bother me anymore because I know they’re shallow. But man- having us over for a July 4th long weekend at the beach house every summer and then not inviting us because my kid was a late bloomer and got bumped down a team at soccer? Why did this woman host us for vacations if she didn’t even like us enough to talk to us if my son didn’t make her sons soccer team?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

lolz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

The group chats are titled "moms of team x" and you want the group ruined and people's privacy jeopardized so parents with literally no affiliation to the team can lurk in them? And you're taking it personal that you're removed from a group you have literally no ties to (anymore) because... you wanted to keep tabs on them or maybe get jealous and leak screen grabs and gossip? You people are strange. You think you're the FIRST and ONLY parent they've ever displaced after your kid was cut or left the team? This is totally delusional thinking.

It's like trying to join a Nextdoor or private Facebook group of a town or neighborhood you don't live in and getting mad that you can't or were kicked out when it was discovered you don't actually reside there.