Cliquey parents

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

There are only so many hours in a day. Parents everywhere, from the poor to the very rich, bond and pair up when their kids are in the same activities... attend the same church... vacation at the same places. It's not in any way snobby or exclusionary. It's something you all have in common, everyone is vetted, there's lots of car pooling involved, lots of travel, lots of going out to eat, group food and drink, the kids are closer in friendships because they're around each other so much, so the parents become closer because they too are around each other so much. It's perfectly natural and super convenient. Unless you're literally neighbors, it's unlikely a kid super into violin is going to be besties with the sporty kid who makes a competitive sports team.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

Being the rich kid can be positive or negative. For my boys, it doesn’t seem to matter and the kids like to hang out at my house as we have a 5000sf basement and a pantry full of snacks.

For my daughter, I think some of her friends can get jealous of all the things she has. We like to dress comfortably but she has a very full closet. Some girls don’t invite her over after coming to our house.

For the boys, they may say Mikey lives in a mansion and wants to come over. The “popular” girls at my daughter’s school are not all the affluent girls. They aren’t necessarily the prettiest or smartest or athletic either. It seems more personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

lolz

Why is it so hard for you people to see the broad picture? The first person told me I was jealous of her wealth. I responded, no. It’s actually not that. I’m wealthy too, I just don’t like mean women. Objectively, most of us on this board ARE wealthy. Then I was told I was cocky and that I staked this woman’s Redfin estimate, when in reality I’d been there after our kids’ sporting event.

It’s almost like you can’t imagine a scenario in which a wealthy woman is nasty to other people, and other people - even wealthy ones - don’t like nasty attitudes. Very strange.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

There are only so many hours in a day. Parents everywhere, from the poor to the very rich, bond and pair up when their kids are in the same activities... attend the same church... vacation at the same places. It's not in any way snobby or exclusionary. It's something you all have in common, everyone is vetted, there's lots of car pooling involved, lots of travel, lots of going out to eat, group food and drink, the kids are closer in friendships because they're around each other so much, so the parents become closer because they too are around each other so much. It's perfectly natural and super convenient. Unless you're literally neighbors, it's unlikely a kid super into violin is going to be besties with the sporty kid who makes a competitive sports team.

I’m talking about the parents of those kids . Why could a parent of a violin kid not be friends with a parent of a soccer kid? Or, if 2 women become friends because of kid soccer, and one kid quits soccer, would a true meaningful friendship evaporate immediately? Of course not. Unless the sole basis of the friendship was kid soccer, which is fine and natural but also means the friendship was super shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

The group chats are titled "moms of team x" and you want the group ruined and people's privacy jeopardized so parents with literally no affiliation to the team can lurk in them? And you're taking it personal that you're removed from a group you have literally no ties to (anymore) because... you wanted to keep tabs on them or maybe get jealous and leak screen grabs and gossip? You people are strange. You think you're the FIRST and ONLY parent they've ever displaced after your kid was cut or left the team? This is totally delusional thinking.

It's like trying to join a Nextdoor or private Facebook group of a town or neighborhood you don't live in and getting mad that you can't or were kicked out when it was discovered you don't actually reside there.

I think you’re talking about my post about getting deleted from a group chat when my kid got demoted to the second team? If so, the group chat was not titled anything, and it didn’t include the entire team, as I stated. It included just a handful of moms whose kids happened to be on the team- we met due to the team, we all lived within a mile or so of each other, and we all hung out a ton outside of the team. As soon as my kid got demoted, the chat disappeared for me. That means that it was not a true friendship , it means these women just wanted to be “coppermine soccer moms!” together (different club but same idea). I am actually saying there is nothing wrong with that either but that it’s harsh to realize it when it happens to you, that you thought you had a real friend group but in reality it was just a shallow convenience “friend” group, and that I learned to keep sports moms at arms length emotionally with my next kid.

Your rant is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

Being the rich kid can be positive or negative. For my boys, it doesn’t seem to matter and the kids like to hang out at my house as we have a 5000sf basement and a pantry full of snacks.

For my daughter, I think some of her friends can get jealous of all the things she has. We like to dress comfortably but she has a very full closet. Some girls don’t invite her over after coming to our house.

For the boys, they may say Mikey lives in a mansion and wants to come over. The “popular” girls at my daughter’s school are not all the affluent girls. They aren’t necessarily the prettiest or smartest or athletic either. It seems more personality.

NP. They’re the boy-crazy girls.

[Anonymous]

maturing at an age appropriate rate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

Being the rich kid can be positive or negative. For my boys, it doesn’t seem to matter and the kids like to hang out at my house as we have a 5000sf basement and a pantry full of snacks.

For my daughter, I think some of her friends can get jealous of all the things she has. We like to dress comfortably but she has a very full closet. Some girls don’t invite her over after coming to our house.

For the boys, they may say Mikey lives in a mansion and wants to come over. The “popular” girls at my daughter’s school are not all the affluent girls. They aren’t necessarily the prettiest or smartest or athletic either. It seems more personality.

NP. They’re the boy-crazy girls.

Yes, they seem more into makeup and phones. My child does not have a phone. She is not up to date with all the trends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

Why do you know what her house looks like? Because you cyberstalked her and her husband? CREEPY af.

This

Calm down. Kids are on the same sports team so been to her house.

I could totally buy a ritzy house like them but we don't want to. But let me brag on a message board that me and my husband are rich too. We're just stealth rich.

Sure, Jan.

Being the rich kid can be positive or negative. For my boys, it doesn’t seem to matter and the kids like to hang out at my house as we have a 5000sf basement and a pantry full of snacks.

For my daughter, I think some of her friends can get jealous of all the things she has. We like to dress comfortably but she has a very full closet. Some girls don’t invite her over after coming to our house.

For the boys, they may say Mikey lives in a mansion and wants to come over. The “popular” girls at my daughter’s school are not all the affluent girls. They aren’t necessarily the prettiest or smartest or athletic either. It seems more personality.

NP. They’re the boy-crazy girls.

I wouldn't have understood this a few years ago but you are totally right. It is wild. Starting in third some of the girls start becoming boy obsessed and these are the girls who kind of manage the social scene for the next few years. My DD was your for her grade and I think entered puberty a bit later even for her age, and was mystified by the whole thing. At one point a girl at school was asking her if she had any crushes like once a week, and DD was always like "no, I don't think so." The girl told her "ok tell us when you get your first crush, we can't waste time on this," and then they refused to hang out with her at recess for the rest of the year! DD handled it fine, she had other friends, and this has actually become a joke in our family now, but I had no idea about this dynamic of the girls who start puberty and become interested in boys first having more social caché. I didn't remember that from my own elementary school experience but, like DD, I was a late bloomer who just did not care about boys at all in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

The group chats are titled "moms of team x" and you want the group ruined and people's privacy jeopardized so parents with literally no affiliation to the team can lurk in them? And you're taking it personal that you're removed from a group you have literally no ties to (anymore) because... you wanted to keep tabs on them or maybe get jealous and leak screen grabs and gossip? You people are strange. You think you're the FIRST and ONLY parent they've ever displaced after your kid was cut or left the team? This is totally delusional thinking.

It's like trying to join a Nextdoor or private Facebook group of a town or neighborhood you don't live in and getting mad that you can't or were kicked out when it was discovered you don't actually reside there.

I think you’re talking about my post about getting deleted from a group chat when my kid got demoted to the second team? If so, the group chat was not titled anything, and it didn’t include the entire team, as I stated. It included just a handful of moms whose kids happened to be on the team- we met due to the team, we all lived within a mile or so of each other, and we all hung out a ton outside of the team. As soon as my kid got demoted, the chat disappeared for me. That means that it was not a true friendship , it means these women just wanted to be “coppermine soccer moms!” together (different club but same idea). I am actually saying there is nothing wrong with that either but that it’s harsh to realize it when it happens to you, that you thought you had a real friend group but in reality it was just a shallow convenience “friend” group, and that I learned to keep sports moms at arms length emotionally with my next kid.

Your rant is weird.

No you are weird you shallow dolt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the experience of parents who really want my child to be friends with their child. However, it doesn't really work. When they have playdates, they don't "play" with each other.

I have also discouraged my daughter from friendships with girls who display for mean girl behavior, and so will try to sidestep those parents. And sometimes there are parents who do not understand boundaries or have done something off putting (consistently).

What appears to be gate-keeping may just be parents who get along better and have kids with more similar interests.

Maybe. But sometimes it's not that. We moved mid-elementary and it was hard for DD to cultivate friends because the families had their set groups and weren't interested in their kids playing with someone new. And no this was not a case of me trying to force friendships, I don't do that. This was DD meeting girls at school or via activities, having mutual interest, but then the kids are never available to get together outside of school because the families are getting together. Another thing that happened a lot was that the moms would set up camps and activities for their kids together, and since I wasn't friends with them, DD wouldn't be a part of it and it would lead to her being on the outside of stuff. Like a big group of girls from her 3rd grade class all signed up for the same sequence of camps the following summer because their moms coordinated. DD wound up in the same camps, but not at the same time. In the fall, all the girls were like "hey how come you didn't do camp with us? we didn't see you all summer." But we just didn't know.

Sure, most of this is unintentional. The other moms weren't trying to exclude my kid or our family. But if there hadn't been such a tight family clique in that cohort, things might have been more casual which would have made it easier for DD to develop friendships outside school. Instead she spent 3rd-5th mostly only having friends at school and then occasionally hanging out with friends from other settings. It was only in middle school when the kids have more control over their lives outside school that she became friends with those girls and now has actual school-based friendships. And even then, the moms were kind of standoffish. There's one mom who still talks about my DD like she is "new" to the friend group -- DD and her daughter have known each other for 5 years. It's just a closed off mentality, even if it's not on purpose.

Why didn’t you reach out to a few of DD’s friends to see what camps they were doing? Most people don’t want to coordinate camps for 20 kids. Be proactive next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

The group chats are titled "moms of team x" and you want the group ruined and people's privacy jeopardized so parents with literally no affiliation to the team can lurk in them? And you're taking it personal that you're removed from a group you have literally no ties to (anymore) because... you wanted to keep tabs on them or maybe get jealous and leak screen grabs and gossip? You people are strange. You think you're the FIRST and ONLY parent they've ever displaced after your kid was cut or left the team? This is totally delusional thinking.

It's like trying to join a Nextdoor or private Facebook group of a town or neighborhood you don't live in and getting mad that you can't or were kicked out when it was discovered you don't actually reside there.

I think you’re talking about my post about getting deleted from a group chat when my kid got demoted to the second team? If so, the group chat was not titled anything, and it didn’t include the entire team, as I stated. It included just a handful of moms whose kids happened to be on the team- we met due to the team, we all lived within a mile or so of each other, and we all hung out a ton outside of the team. As soon as my kid got demoted, the chat disappeared for me. That means that it was not a true friendship , it means these women just wanted to be “coppermine soccer moms!” together (different club but same idea). I am actually saying there is nothing wrong with that either but that it’s harsh to realize it when it happens to you, that you thought you had a real friend group but in reality it was just a shallow convenience “friend” group, and that I learned to keep sports moms at arms length emotionally with my next kid.

Your rant is weird.

To be clear, your kid is literally not on the team and you think you should still be in the player moms' group chat? You are nuts!

[Anonymous]

I don't dislike parent cliques because I want to be in one (shudder). I dislike them because of the vibes. I find it weird when I'm at back to school night or international night or whatever, and the adults act like their are at the homecoming dance their sophomore year of HS, standing in little clumps along the perimeter talking amongst themselves and refusing to make eye contact with anyone not in their crew.

It's just sad. Grow up! Learn how to act in mixed social settings. You are welcome to go have your little wine nights and BBQs among your little cliques later, but you come off so immature in school settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

It isn’t. But it’s shallow if you abandon that friendship as soon as your kids aren’t on the same team anymore. It means you were only friends because your kids were in the same team. Not because you actually bonded and became friends. That’s fine as long as everyone is on the same page! There’s a mom who I sit by at every soccer game who is hilarious and I love sitting by her. But we have not much in common and don’t live near each other and if her kid quit the sport I doubt I’d talk to her again. That’s fine. But it also means we aren’t close friends clearly!!

The group chats are titled "moms of team x" and you want the group ruined and people's privacy jeopardized so parents with literally no affiliation to the team can lurk in them? And you're taking it personal that you're removed from a group you have literally no ties to (anymore) because... you wanted to keep tabs on them or maybe get jealous and leak screen grabs and gossip? You people are strange. You think you're the FIRST and ONLY parent they've ever displaced after your kid was cut or left the team? This is totally delusional thinking.

It's like trying to join a Nextdoor or private Facebook group of a town or neighborhood you don't live in and getting mad that you can't or were kicked out when it was discovered you don't actually reside there.

I think you’re talking about my post about getting deleted from a group chat when my kid got demoted to the second team? If so, the group chat was not titled anything, and it didn’t include the entire team, as I stated. It included just a handful of moms whose kids happened to be on the team- we met due to the team, we all lived within a mile or so of each other, and we all hung out a ton outside of the team. As soon as my kid got demoted, the chat disappeared for me. That means that it was not a true friendship , it means these women just wanted to be “coppermine soccer moms!” together (different club but same idea). I am actually saying there is nothing wrong with that either but that it’s harsh to realize it when it happens to you, that you thought you had a real friend group but in reality it was just a shallow convenience “friend” group, and that I learned to keep sports moms at arms length emotionally with my next kid.

Your rant is weird.

To be clear, your kid is literally not on the team and you think you should still be in the player moms' group chat? You are nuts!

OMG my point is that I didn't realize it was a shallow "player moms group chat" I thought we were all actually friends, who happened to meet at youth soccer for our sons, since we talked about plenty of other things and hung out plenty unrelated to soccer. With my second kid, I knew better. It's fine to have a shallow "player moms group chat" that's solely tied to your kid's soccer team. But that relationship is literally the definition of shallow. I have no idea how you can argue otherwise. Shallow is not synonymous with evil or wrong. It's just shallow. It means it's not deep. As in, it's going to evaporate into thin air when your kid is no longer on the same soccer team as the other woman's kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't dislike parent cliques because I want to be in one (shudder). I dislike them because of the vibes. I find it weird when I'm at back to school night or international night or whatever, and the adults act like their are at the homecoming dance their sophomore year of HS, standing in little clumps along the perimeter talking amongst themselves and refusing to make eye contact with anyone not in their crew.

It's just sad. Grow up! Learn how to act in mixed social settings. You are welcome to go have your little wine nights and BBQs among your little cliques later, but you come off so immature in school settings.

So, you don't really know anyone and want people to not talk to people they already know and just talk to strangers?