What do you wish you had known/done differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.

I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.

Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.

Yes. This. They are different with a capital D. They run themselves and do from almost day 1, and they spend less time on average studying than peers and outscore everyone anyway, and yet also accomplish more outside of school. It is not grinding for them it seems to be a mindset they are born with, the internal drive, along with incredible intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid had her hopes up for a top school and didn't get it. It was very traumatic for a week or so (and now she's happy where she is).

What shocked me from the experience is that I thought ivies were always hit or miss and so she had several mid level schools on the list-- Northeastern, Boston University, etc. and she was also rejected from most of those. I learned later that those schools care so much about yield and have a ton of applications so bring in a lot in the early rounds and also engage in yield protection. So a kid with 1550 SAT, tons of APs, and all As were rejected from those, also.

I'm not sure what I can say about doing differently except managing expectations!

Can you say what colleges she was rejected by and which ones she got in? Statistically your daughter should have been admitted to a T20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

OP, I think you are already doing what is most important: reading about the process, researching your questions and just overall staying informed of the trends as the years go by. My oldest just graduated from college and my youngest just finished her freshman year and all I can share is that the entire college application process is so specific to each student and each school and then to each situation with those two factors considered. In other words, there is little to no way to develop a strategy years ahead of time. The key is, I believe, is to educate yourself. I did and still do, obviously as I am here reading these threads (I have a HS nephew that I am now helping with the process).

I remember listening to some of my kids' friends as some applied to colleges and I would be shocked to hear how ill-informed they were. I would gently ask if their parents were helping them and they'd say they were and I would feel so badly for that kid as it was painfully obvious which ones had the guidance of someone who was current of the college admissions process and which parents were basing their guidance on knowledge that was years and decades old.

Its sad that the college process needs an adult to be so involved. Parents have full time jobs and have to do this as well and its not the smartest kids who get in, its those with the sophisticated private counselors and parents. What a messed up system. As immigrants we were clueless when our first applied to college but we did some patchwork packaging and he was fortunate to land in a good place. For the second kid we have paid a private counselor but I think we will have to work on it ourselves as well because the counselor does not seem that great.

Strong disagree. The very definition of parenting involves providing one's child with an education, in addition to food and clothing. In my opinion NO parent has an excuse to not educate themselves so they are better informed to try to help their child. And I do not mean to get your kid into a T20 or T50 or whatever. My kids did not go to those kind of schools but I damn well made sure that I knew what the process was to guide them to where they were meant to attend.

Parents are 100% responsible to read and learn and figure out what the plan may be in applying and paying for colleges (if their child is to go on that track - trade schools are cool too) just as you work to figure out what to put on the table for their dinner. And there is so much free resources out there about the college application process (this site for one - just commit to reading a lot so you start to see patterns in the more authentic and helpful information that is offered). This PP says they were clueless about the college application process? Well, so many of us were. My husband and I did not go to college and did not have any family members to help us but you know what we did? We talked to our kids' friends parents, we asked their teachers questions, we took books out of the library, we read DCUM, we listened to podcasts, we talked to neighbors and we learned little by little. Oh, and before the PP comes back to say that we were privileged to have the time to do so, just don't. We have 3.5 jobs between us and a significant health issue but we made the time because it is our job as parents to be there to help our kids.

It (obviously) makes me so mad when parents use excuses for parenting their kids.

I was clueless with my first kid but guess what they ended up at a T15 because they had very strong stats and we came up with a profile summer before senior year. I thought sending them to a good HS was enough but I was wrong. I dont think parents should have to do so much to package their kids. Now that I know how this is done I made sure to hire a private counselor in 9th grade.

Parents do not need to "package their kids" at all. That is not what the prior post was about. What parents have a basic responsibility to do for their children is to educate themselves about the college application process ahead of time so that they can help guide, understand and answer questions when it is time for their child to apply. If that means to hire a private counselor, well, ok that gets the job done but there is no need to always outsource basic parental responsibilities.

OP here- thanks for the helpful tips. Before anyone else freaks out, my kids are absolutely enjoying being kids and I have not done anything to “prep” for college besides send them to a good school, read together, give them chores/responsibilities at home, and do activities they enjoy. I was just blindsided when friends with high school age kids were full of regrets about not hiring a college counselor early enough (they said families at their school started in 8th grade!!!), and going by the old “well rounded” kid advice. I made a mental note to start saving for a college counselor in addition to everything else, and also trying to adjust my expectations of what’s normal. I just had a fantastic college experience and hope for the same for my kids, wherever the right school ends up being, but I’m so grateful that I got that experience at a fantastic school I loved. The good experience is worth more to me than the diploma or tuition, and I’m also aware if my kids aren’t happy even at a top school they won’t have that experience.
I was basically just wondering what else you wish you had known in middle school or earlier, because I was so shocked how much has changed. I wish my parents had known more to help me for applying to college, pick classes, and been more involved, but I’m also well aware of the mental health struggles many kids face today with all the pressure.

You do not need a private counselor or packaging or any of that. If your kids have the smarts for Ivy+ and you encourage creative free thinking, curiosity and reading it will all come together.
Everyone we know who hired a counselor had an above-average 1300-1450, 3.9ish student with no natural intellectual curiosity and none of their own thoughts on how to write. None of them got into schools above their natural ability and where their own school counselor predicted they would. Waste of $ IMO. Not a single one of our friends who have an unhooked kid at ivy+ type schools hired a private counselor.

--poster from a few posts above with 2 at ivies one at T5 SLAC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid had her hopes up for a top school and didn't get it. It was very traumatic for a week or so (and now she's happy where she is).

What shocked me from the experience is that I thought ivies were always hit or miss and so she had several mid level schools on the list-- Northeastern, Boston University, etc. and she was also rejected from most of those. I learned later that those schools care so much about yield and have a ton of applications so bring in a lot in the early rounds and also engage in yield protection. So a kid with 1550 SAT, tons of APs, and all As were rejected from those, also.

I'm not sure what I can say about doing differently except managing expectations!

Can you say what colleges she was rejected by and which ones she got in? Statistically your daughter should have been admitted to a T20.

not PP but I would bet $ it is poor rigor. All As is so common schools have to look at rigor more than ever. They compare you to what you take versus what is offered. Plus the student was rejected not WL at the midlevels(NEU, BU) which is not yield protection. PP way over-shot and likely parent did not understand the high school course tracking and what the rigorous APs really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is enjoy your children and encourage them to be who they are and do not even think about this right now. Focus on other things.

+10000

I never thought a second about college when my children in elementary school. Please put it out of your mind.

My DD is headed to one of her dream schools. Encourage free play, reading, friendships, chores and family responsibilities, and being silly.

Well said. I agree completely!

DD will be starting at a T10 in the fall.

TBH, she’s pretty much the same kid now at 18 that she was at 8: self-motivated, focused on many different interests, and very social. Just like back then, she has a huge interest in (and capacity for) staying busy and on the go, but she also still reads a lot for fun and relaxation.

Looking back, I feel like we mostly just followed her lead, trying to say “yes” whenever possible. For sure, we intentionally exposed her to tons of different things along the way, but nothing was ever forced. The choice was always hers re what to join/continue and what to skip/quit.

Bottom line: Kids are amazing. Please don’t worry yet about college. Do your very best to stay present for the moment you’re in right now (not as easy as it sounds), and if possible, find ways to bring some lightness, fun, downtime, and even humor/silliness into your family where possible.

FWIW, both DH and I are both serious people who went to T10 schools, though not the one DD chose, and it’s been incredible to put down our serious/driven/intense sides to be goofy and playful with our kids. Not what we expected, but they really do need that, and it turns out we do, too. Enjoy the ride!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.

I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.

Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.

Yes. This. They are different with a capital D. They run themselves and do from almost day 1, and they spend less time on average studying than peers and outscore everyone anyway, and yet also accomplish more outside of school. It is not grinding for them it seems to be a mindset they are born with, the internal drive, along with incredible intelligence.

Yes. I’m the PP at 22:22. That describes our DD and the other kids we know who did really well with the admissions process this year.

[Anonymous]

I put my kids in violin at age 5. At age 12 they told me they only wanted to play in the orchestra and not take individual lessons. Okay. I started them in chess at age 6. They continue to play at tournaments and socially but they are not chess stars. They did all kinds of sports but they will not be a recruited athlete. They learned how to deal with disappointment when they lost. They learned how to work with different kinds of people. They are going to a competitive high school but they know they are worthy no matter what college they will go to. They work hard, they enjoy working hard, but they also know how to have fun. Read a lot to them. Expose them to many different kinds of things. They will find their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid had her hopes up for a top school and didn't get it. It was very traumatic for a week or so (and now she's happy where she is).

What shocked me from the experience is that I thought ivies were always hit or miss and so she had several mid level schools on the list-- Northeastern, Boston University, etc. and she was also rejected from most of those. I learned later that those schools care so much about yield and have a ton of applications so bring in a lot in the early rounds and also engage in yield protection. So a kid with 1550 SAT, tons of APs, and all As were rejected from those, also.

I'm not sure what I can say about doing differently except managing expectations!

Can you say what colleges she was rejected by and which ones she got in? Statistically your daughter should have been admitted to a T20.

not PP but I would bet $ it is poor rigor. All As is so common schools have to look at rigor more than ever. They compare you to what you take versus what is offered. Plus the student was rejected not WL at the midlevels(NEU, BU) which is not yield protection. PP way over-shot and likely parent did not understand the high school course tracking and what the rigorous APs really are.

Not sure if it’s poor rigor, but like some of us pointed out previously, a student being rejected by all of “NEU, BU, BC” at RD shouldn’t have had a shot at T10 to begin with. It’s not difficult for a normal high stats kid to get into these schools at RD, and you don’t even need high stats for these schools if you ED (esp. full pay)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid had her hopes up for a top school and didn't get it. It was very traumatic for a week or so (and now she's happy where she is).

What shocked me from the experience is that I thought ivies were always hit or miss and so she had several mid level schools on the list-- Northeastern, Boston University, etc. and she was also rejected from most of those. I learned later that those schools care so much about yield and have a ton of applications so bring in a lot in the early rounds and also engage in yield protection. So a kid with 1550 SAT, tons of APs, and all As were rejected from those, also.

I'm not sure what I can say about doing differently except managing expectations!

Can you say what colleges she was rejected by and which ones she got in? Statistically your daughter should have been admitted to a T20.

not PP but I would bet $ it is poor rigor. All As is so common schools have to look at rigor more than ever. They compare you to what you take versus what is offered. Plus the student was rejected not WL at the midlevels(NEU, BU) which is not yield protection. PP way over-shot and likely parent did not understand the high school course tracking and what the rigorous APs really are.

Not sure if it’s poor rigor, but like some of us pointed out previously, a student being rejected by all of “NEU, BU, BC” at RD shouldn’t have had a shot at T10 to begin with. It’s not difficult for a normal high stats kid to get into these schools at RD, and you don’t even need high stats for these schools if you ED (esp. full pay)!

I'm not sure. My high-stat kid got rejected from one of these schools, even with the highest level of rigor.
His sister thinks it was the essays, but who knows. I've seen plenty of similarly qualified high-stat kids, some get in, and some get rejected. With so many applicants, it's a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I’m confused on why you think only top 20 school students can have great experiences. Accept your kids as they are, don’t talk about how great you did. If they’re ambitious and have certain goals then help them achieve them. If they have difficulties with academics find help for them to be the best to their ability. They will find the right college or program.

Don’t try and dictate your kids’ lives except for the standard going to school every day and doing all of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.

I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.

Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.

This, you can guide/encourage a smart kid, but unless they're driven by an internal motivation, it will be absolutely painful for all. I have two very smart kids, one has no inner drive and the other is completely self motivated. Completely different parenting experiences, motivated kid 1000x easier, I will admit that. And you don't worry about lost potential etc.

I also have 1 of each. Firstborn straight As always, go-getter, works hard, tests great no-prep easy…

Younger sib identical. Tests even higher. Finished last quarter with 3 B’s after 4 years of straight As. Perfectly capable of As, but didn’t care. Sigh.

Three Bs? Oh no! She was probably sick of you being overly involved and decided to let herself relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid had her hopes up for a top school and didn't get it. It was very traumatic for a week or so (and now she's happy where she is).

What shocked me from the experience is that I thought ivies were always hit or miss and so she had several mid level schools on the list-- Northeastern, Boston University, etc. and she was also rejected from most of those. I learned later that those schools care so much about yield and have a ton of applications so bring in a lot in the early rounds and also engage in yield protection. So a kid with 1550 SAT, tons of APs, and all As were rejected from those, also.

I'm not sure what I can say about doing differently except managing expectations!

Can you say what colleges she was rejected by and which ones she got in? Statistically your daughter should have been admitted to a T20.

not PP but I would bet $ it is poor rigor. All As is so common schools have to look at rigor more than ever. They compare you to what you take versus what is offered. Plus the student was rejected not WL at the midlevels(NEU, BU) which is not yield protection. PP way over-shot and likely parent did not understand the high school course tracking and what the rigorous APs really are.

Not sure if it’s poor rigor, but like some of us pointed out previously, a student being rejected by all of “NEU, BU, BC” at RD shouldn’t have had a shot at T10 to begin with. It’s not difficult for a normal high stats kid to get into these schools at RD, and you don’t even need high stats for these schools if you ED (esp. full pay)!

I’m not so sure. Don’t BC, BU and NEU all rely heavily on ED? Not uncommon to hear high stats kids get whipsawed by an ED/SCEA waitlist followed by RD rejections from schools like these.

[Anonymous]

Parent of rising senior, so we're barely getting going but something I wish I had done for myself--gotten educated about the college process earlier and then MADE A RULE AND STUCK TO IT about discussing with spouse and then DC. In other words, talk early and separately with spouse and get on same page about approach. Then agree with DC going into junior year about when and what to discuss for colleges, because some stuff does HAVE to have parental involvement, especially getting time off to travel to visit schools. I thought we could really wait til fall of senior year so wasn't paying much attention and then ended up flailing all through spring semester when we tried to put together internships, camps, college visits, etc. without having had a North Star about our goals, and DC is very unsure about what they want. I would also say we should have started earlier about tradeoffs and not maxing out DC or our schedules with too many activities and failing to complete schoolwork on time. With a lot of working late (and kid activities) this often meant questions came up in a time-pressured environment late at night, and we would have discussions multiple times b/c DC didn't want to talk about it so we had to bring things up again. That has led to too much time and stress around an already terrible process. So really force yourself to limit the time and discussions to counteract the permeating nature of the culture here in DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I believe the children are our are future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be. Everybody searching for a hero. People need someone to look up to I never found anyone who fulfil my needs. A lonely place to be and so I learned to depend on me. I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me. They can't take away my dignity.

[Anonymous]

Keep an open mind. There are many different paths and options out there. It’s not the same landscape we parents navigated and for those of you with younger kids, the landscape will change even more by the time they reach the college admissions stage. 25 years ago, I would have been horrified about the prospect of my kid attending a large state flagship, a school in the South, an urban school, etc. because I was unfamiliar with those options. A lot has changed since then- NYU and Northeastern are hot, northern kids are going to SEC schools, and the South is booming.