What do you wish you had known/done differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

Did you mean private schools that are in the T50? Because you could apply EA to a bunch of public in the T50.

In any case, if you can’t get into one of BU, BC, NEU in RD, then you don’t have a shot at T10, at all.

If you’re a normal high stats kid, even w/ just okay ECs, it’s hard not to get into any T40, much less T50. So either the kid is not high stats or there’s a glaring red flag in the application.

Getting into NEU RD is a sign your child has middling stats and is full pay. You will be yield protected by a yield protection school if they think you are likely heading elsewhere. They’ll only accept you if there’s a high chance they think you’ll go. And “T40” at face value means nothing. Wake Forest and W&M which aren’t even “T50” now > the university of Florida, which is a “T30” now. Big shakeup in the rankings, new methodology, UC Merced is 59. We’re all old enough to know the reputations of these schools yet some of you seem to be out of the loop. Are there a lot of people that didn’t go to college on this sub or know people who did?

That sounds outdated.

[Anonymous]

this is a little abstract, but if you have the kind of kid who discounts themselves, or whose automatic answer is "I can't," push them to stick with whatever they are rejecting. A lot of times that rejection is rooted in fear of failure.

I agree with PPs that this isn't even worth thinking about until 8th grade/9th grade. Before that kids should do whatever they want. But I do regret not encouraging my particular child to stick with activities they had started (scouts, music) or not trying to get them extra opportunities to, say, go to camp to focus on their sport or to learn about journalism. I didn't suggest anything in terms of clubs in HS, DC didn't want to apply to any magnets because of friends, we didn't send DC to sports camps. Seeing my child's personality more clearly now with hindsight, they actually would have liked to have continued with more activities and challenged themselves more, and regret that they didn't do so. We were so busy with work that the second our kid said they wanted to drop something we dropped it, but I didn't realize how much all of the other kids in their high school were piling on activities and awards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

OP, I think you are already doing what is most important: reading about the process, researching your questions and just overall staying informed of the trends as the years go by. My oldest just graduated from college and my youngest just finished her freshman year and all I can share is that the entire college application process is so specific to each student and each school and then to each situation with those two factors considered. In other words, there is little to no way to develop a strategy years ahead of time. The key is, I believe, is to educate yourself. I did and still do, obviously as I am here reading these threads (I have a HS nephew that I am now helping with the process).

I remember listening to some of my kids' friends as some applied to colleges and I would be shocked to hear how ill-informed they were. I would gently ask if their parents were helping them and they'd say they were and I would feel so badly for that kid as it was painfully obvious which ones had the guidance of someone who was current of the college admissions process and which parents were basing their guidance on knowledge that was years and decades old.

Its sad that the college process needs an adult to be so involved. Parents have full time jobs and have to do this as well and its not the smartest kids who get in, its those with the sophisticated private counselors and parents. What a messed up system. As immigrants we were clueless when our first applied to college but we did some patchwork packaging and he was fortunate to land in a good place. For the second kid we have paid a private counselor but I think we will have to work on it ourselves as well because the counselor does not seem that great.

Strong disagree. The very definition of parenting involves providing one's child with an education, in addition to food and clothing. In my opinion NO parent has an excuse to not educate themselves so they are better informed to try to help their child. And I do not mean to get your kid into a T20 or T50 or whatever. My kids did not go to those kind of schools but I damn well made sure that I knew what the process was to guide them to where they were meant to attend.

Parents are 100% responsible to read and learn and figure out what the plan may be in applying and paying for colleges (if their child is to go on that track - trade schools are cool too) just as you work to figure out what to put on the table for their dinner. And there is so much free resources out there about the college application process (this site for one - just commit to reading a lot so you start to see patterns in the more authentic and helpful information that is offered). This PP says they were clueless about the college application process? Well, so many of us were. My husband and I did not go to college and did not have any family members to help us but you know what we did? We talked to our kids' friends parents, we asked their teachers questions, we took books out of the library, we read DCUM, we listened to podcasts, we talked to neighbors and we learned little by little. Oh, and before the PP comes back to say that we were privileged to have the time to do so, just don't. We have 3.5 jobs between us and a significant health issue but we made the time because it is our job as parents to be there to help our kids.

It (obviously) makes me so mad when parents use excuses for parenting their kids.

I was clueless with my first kid but guess what they ended up at a T15 because they had very strong stats and we came up with a profile summer before senior year. I thought sending them to a good HS was enough but I was wrong. I dont think parents should have to do so much to package their kids. Now that I know how this is done I made sure to hire a private counselor in 9th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

OP, I think you are already doing what is most important: reading about the process, researching your questions and just overall staying informed of the trends as the years go by. My oldest just graduated from college and my youngest just finished her freshman year and all I can share is that the entire college application process is so specific to each student and each school and then to each situation with those two factors considered. In other words, there is little to no way to develop a strategy years ahead of time. The key is, I believe, is to educate yourself. I did and still do, obviously as I am here reading these threads (I have a HS nephew that I am now helping with the process).

I remember listening to some of my kids' friends as some applied to colleges and I would be shocked to hear how ill-informed they were. I would gently ask if their parents were helping them and they'd say they were and I would feel so badly for that kid as it was painfully obvious which ones had the guidance of someone who was current of the college admissions process and which parents were basing their guidance on knowledge that was years and decades old.

Its sad that the college process needs an adult to be so involved. Parents have full time jobs and have to do this as well and its not the smartest kids who get in, its those with the sophisticated private counselors and parents. What a messed up system. As immigrants we were clueless when our first applied to college but we did some patchwork packaging and he was fortunate to land in a good place. For the second kid we have paid a private counselor but I think we will have to work on it ourselves as well because the counselor does not seem that great.

Strong disagree. The very definition of parenting involves providing one's child with an education, in addition to food and clothing. In my opinion NO parent has an excuse to not educate themselves so they are better informed to try to help their child. And I do not mean to get your kid into a T20 or T50 or whatever. My kids did not go to those kind of schools but I damn well made sure that I knew what the process was to guide them to where they were meant to attend.

Parents are 100% responsible to read and learn and figure out what the plan may be in applying and paying for colleges (if their child is to go on that track - trade schools are cool too) just as you work to figure out what to put on the table for their dinner. And there is so much free resources out there about the college application process (this site for one - just commit to reading a lot so you start to see patterns in the more authentic and helpful information that is offered). This PP says they were clueless about the college application process? Well, so many of us were. My husband and I did not go to college and did not have any family members to help us but you know what we did? We talked to our kids' friends parents, we asked their teachers questions, we took books out of the library, we read DCUM, we listened to podcasts, we talked to neighbors and we learned little by little. Oh, and before the PP comes back to say that we were privileged to have the time to do so, just don't. We have 3.5 jobs between us and a significant health issue but we made the time because it is our job as parents to be there to help our kids.

It (obviously) makes me so mad when parents use excuses for parenting their kids.

I was clueless with my first kid but guess what they ended up at a T15 because they had very strong stats and we came up with a profile summer before senior year. I thought sending them to a good HS was enough but I was wrong. I dont think parents should have to do so much to package their kids. Now that I know how this is done I made sure to hire a private counselor in 9th grade.

Parents do not need to "package their kids" at all. That is not what the prior post was about. What parents have a basic responsibility to do for their children is to educate themselves about the college application process ahead of time so that they can help guide, understand and answer questions when it is time for their child to apply. If that means to hire a private counselor, well, ok that gets the job done but there is no need to always outsource basic parental responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

Did you mean private schools that are in the T50? Because you could apply EA to a bunch of public in the T50.

In any case, if you can’t get into one of BU, BC, NEU in RD, then you don’t have a shot at T10, at all.

If you’re a normal high stats kid, even w/ just okay ECs, it’s hard not to get into any T40, much less T50. So either the kid is not high stats or there’s a glaring red flag in the application.

Getting into NEU RD is a sign your child has middling stats and is full pay. You will be yield protected by a yield protection school if they think you are likely heading elsewhere. They’ll only accept you if there’s a high chance they think you’ll go. And “T40” at face value means nothing. Wake Forest and W&M which aren’t even “T50” now > the university of Florida, which is a “T30” now. Big shakeup in the rankings, new methodology, UC Merced is 59. We’re all old enough to know the reputations of these schools yet some of you seem to be out of the loop. Are there a lot of people that didn’t go to college on this sub or know people who did?

That sounds outdated.

1500 accepted ED out of 3400 ED applicants, 2700 enrolled in freshman class. The average student at Northeastern was admitted ED, literally. 21% enrolled submitted test scores and apparently satellite campus stats go unreported but I don’t know. 100k applicants in the overall applicant pool. No essay requirement. This is from their own 24-25 CDS so you’re technically right depending on what you mean by “outdated”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is a little abstract, but if you have the kind of kid who discounts themselves, or whose automatic answer is "I can't," push them to stick with whatever they are rejecting. A lot of times that rejection is rooted in fear of failure.

I agree with PPs that this isn't even worth thinking about until 8th grade/9th grade. Before that kids should do whatever they want. But I do regret not encouraging my particular child to stick with activities they had started (scouts, music) or not trying to get them extra opportunities to, say, go to camp to focus on their sport or to learn about journalism. I didn't suggest anything in terms of clubs in HS, DC didn't want to apply to any magnets because of friends, we didn't send DC to sports camps. Seeing my child's personality more clearly now with hindsight, they actually would have liked to have continued with more activities and challenged themselves more, and regret that they didn't do so. We were so busy with work that the second our kid said they wanted to drop something we dropped it, but I didn't realize how much all of the other kids in their high school were piling on activities and awards.

This is good, honest reflection. I think a lot of parents give up out of fatigue and regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

OP, I think you are already doing what is most important: reading about the process, researching your questions and just overall staying informed of the trends as the years go by. My oldest just graduated from college and my youngest just finished her freshman year and all I can share is that the entire college application process is so specific to each student and each school and then to each situation with those two factors considered. In other words, there is little to no way to develop a strategy years ahead of time. The key is, I believe, is to educate yourself. I did and still do, obviously as I am here reading these threads (I have a HS nephew that I am now helping with the process).

I remember listening to some of my kids' friends as some applied to colleges and I would be shocked to hear how ill-informed they were. I would gently ask if their parents were helping them and they'd say they were and I would feel so badly for that kid as it was painfully obvious which ones had the guidance of someone who was current of the college admissions process and which parents were basing their guidance on knowledge that was years and decades old.

Its sad that the college process needs an adult to be so involved. Parents have full time jobs and have to do this as well and its not the smartest kids who get in, its those with the sophisticated private counselors and parents. What a messed up system. As immigrants we were clueless when our first applied to college but we did some patchwork packaging and he was fortunate to land in a good place. For the second kid we have paid a private counselor but I think we will have to work on it ourselves as well because the counselor does not seem that great.

Strong disagree. The very definition of parenting involves providing one's child with an education, in addition to food and clothing. In my opinion NO parent has an excuse to not educate themselves so they are better informed to try to help their child. And I do not mean to get your kid into a T20 or T50 or whatever. My kids did not go to those kind of schools but I damn well made sure that I knew what the process was to guide them to where they were meant to attend.

Parents are 100% responsible to read and learn and figure out what the plan may be in applying and paying for colleges (if their child is to go on that track - trade schools are cool too) just as you work to figure out what to put on the table for their dinner. And there is so much free resources out there about the college application process (this site for one - just commit to reading a lot so you start to see patterns in the more authentic and helpful information that is offered). This PP says they were clueless about the college application process? Well, so many of us were. My husband and I did not go to college and did not have any family members to help us but you know what we did? We talked to our kids' friends parents, we asked their teachers questions, we took books out of the library, we read DCUM, we listened to podcasts, we talked to neighbors and we learned little by little. Oh, and before the PP comes back to say that we were privileged to have the time to do so, just don't. We have 3.5 jobs between us and a significant health issue but we made the time because it is our job as parents to be there to help our kids.

It (obviously) makes me so mad when parents use excuses for parenting their kids.

I was clueless with my first kid but guess what they ended up at a T15 because they had very strong stats and we came up with a profile summer before senior year. I thought sending them to a good HS was enough but I was wrong. I dont think parents should have to do so much to package their kids. Now that I know how this is done I made sure to hire a private counselor in 9th grade.

Parents do not need to "package their kids" at all. That is not what the prior post was about. What parents have a basic responsibility to do for their children is to educate themselves about the college application process ahead of time so that they can help guide, understand and answer questions when it is time for their child to apply. If that means to hire a private counselor, well, ok that gets the job done but there is no need to always outsource basic parental responsibilities.

OP here- thanks for the helpful tips. Before anyone else freaks out, my kids are absolutely enjoying being kids and I have not done anything to “prep” for college besides send them to a good school, read together, give them chores/responsibilities at home, and do activities they enjoy. I was just blindsided when friends with high school age kids were full of regrets about not hiring a college counselor early enough (they said families at their school started in 8th grade!!!), and going by the old “well rounded” kid advice. I made a mental note to start saving for a college counselor in addition to everything else, and also trying to adjust my expectations of what’s normal. I just had a fantastic college experience and hope for the same for my kids, wherever the right school ends up being, but I’m so grateful that I got that experience at a fantastic school I loved. The good experience is worth more to me than the diploma or tuition, and I’m also aware if my kids aren’t happy even at a top school they won’t have that experience.
I was basically just wondering what else you wish you had known in middle school or earlier, because I was so shocked how much has changed. I wish my parents had known more to help me for applying to college, pick classes, and been more involved, but I’m also well aware of the mental health struggles many kids face today with all the pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

Save money.
Send kids to a public school that offers a lot of AP classes, but is not highly competitive (for example, less Asian kids. Love Asian kids, raising 2, just giving real talk)
In elementary, expose them to a bunch of activities. By MS, have them focus on the 1-3 ECs they have potential to be the best at. That should go down to 2 by HS.
Show me a teen's friends, I'll show you who the teen is. A friend group that cares about doing well is crucial. Doesn't need to be every friend, but the core group.
I think college admissions is a reach for the moon, land among the stars thing. Yes, the current landscape is ridiculous, but I disagree with most in that I think it's the journey not the destination, and the journey is worth it. It will give your kid the discipline to not be afraid of hard work and do well later in life.
Encourage constant reading. They always need to be reading something.
Have high standards for grades and conduct, but try to be very loving and someone they can count on.

I have one kid who wants to strive and grind and wants me to push them. So I do.
I have another kid who does not. So I don't.
Know who your kid is and what is right for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

Save money.
Send kids to a public school that offers a lot of AP classes, but is not highly competitive (for example, less Asian kids. Love Asian kids, raising 2, just giving real talk)
In elementary, expose them to a bunch of activities. By MS, have them focus on the 1-3 ECs they have potential to be the best at. That should go down to 2 by HS.
Show me a teen's friends, I'll show you who the teen is. A friend group that cares about doing well is crucial. Doesn't need to be every friend, but the core group.
I think college admissions is a reach for the moon, land among the stars thing. Yes, the current landscape is ridiculous, but I disagree with most in that I think it's the journey not the destination, and the journey is worth it. It will give your kid the discipline to not be afraid of hard work and do well later in life.
Encourage constant reading. They always need to be reading something.
Have high standards for grades and conduct, but try to be very loving and someone they can count on.

I have one kid who wants to strive and grind and wants me to push them. So I do.
I have another kid who does not. So I don't.
Know who your kid is and what is right for them.

Agree with this - also have 2 different kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is enjoy your children and encourage them to be who they are and do not even think about this right now. Focus on other things.

+10000

I never thought a second about college when my children in elementary school. Please put it out of your mind.

My DD is headed to one of her dream schools. Encourage free play, reading, friendships, chores and family responsibilities, and being silly.

My DW and I thought that our DS would probably go to my in-state public or her OOS private. That's was all the thought we put into it. Turns out we were both wrong, and he is doing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best advice and honestly the most useful thing a parent can do for any child heading to college: save money!
And not only for tuition but for the endless other things that is involved at that age. I am surprised how much we have spent on flights back and forth over the four years of our child being at school.

Our 529, started when our DC was very young, enabled him to one of his dream schools when he otherwise couldn't.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need a college counselor. Hire one if you want, but don’t assume the people with counselors get better outcomes. I have a senior this year going to a super selective school. We didn’t use one nor did any of my dc’s close friends who are also going to t10s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

Did you mean private schools that are in the T50? Because you could apply EA to a bunch of public in the T50.

In any case, if you can’t get into one of BU, BC, NEU in RD, then you don’t have a shot at T10, at all.

If you’re a normal high stats kid, even w/ just okay ECs, it’s hard not to get into any T40, much less T50. So either the kid is not high stats or there’s a glaring red flag in the application.

Getting into NEU RD is a sign your child has middling stats and is full pay. You will be yield protected by a yield protection school if they think you are likely heading elsewhere. They’ll only accept you if there’s a high chance they think you’ll go. And “T40” at face value means nothing. Wake Forest and W&M which aren’t even “T50” now > the university of Florida, which is a “T30” now. Big shakeup in the rankings, new methodology, UC Merced is 59. We’re all old enough to know the reputations of these schools yet some of you seem to be out of the loop. Are there a lot of people that didn’t go to college on this sub or know people who did?

That sounds outdated.

1500 accepted ED out of 3400 ED applicants, 2700 enrolled in freshman class. The average student at Northeastern was admitted ED, literally. 21% enrolled submitted test scores and apparently satellite campus stats go unreported but I don’t know. 100k applicants in the overall applicant pool. No essay requirement. This is from their own 24-25 CDS so you’re technically right depending on what you mean by “outdated”

The figures you cited only prove our point: Anyone with high stats could easily get into NEU in RD, and the ED admits are mediocre at best. And if you’re not high stats, I’m not sure why it’s realistic to apply to a T10. In other words, this idea of someone “having a shot at T10, but they might end up not getting into a T50 if the T10 doesn’t work out” rarely, if ever, happens.

[Anonymous]

Realize that college is only 4 years, and despite what the anxiety-ridden parents on here think, it's just one short period in life. Relax and enjoy your kids and let them be who they are--they don't need to go to a top 20 (or even 50!) to be happy and successful in life.

[Anonymous]

Would have:

* Made him read for pleasure more. We've done a half hour a day, but I think 45 minutes to an hour would have been more optimal.

* Upgraded his school experience earlier. Private or elite public, both are good. Better peer group matters, especially for social happiness.

Would not have:

* Tried to force-fun on extracurriculars. He was not cut out for lax or chess, quite obviously in respect. He could have used that time having fun.

* Gone all in on STEM. Now he wants to major in poetry and he has all these robotics extracurriculars. And coding jobs have dried up.

* Toured T10s without knowing if he was academically a candidate.